I said no to boyfriend of 4 years when he got 'amorous' earlier as he always goes home afterwards

[Outdoorsie]

We're together 4 years now - one in 40s and other 50s. Never lived together and no talk of our future. Neither married before and no children. We used to spend maybe one night together a week, but now he's always keen to go home after we've had a nice time together and haven't spent an overnight together in weeks. Lately, he leaves soon after we've had a romantic time together, but recently I've been feeling a bit uncomfortable with this, so today I said I wasn't in the mood when he called in on his way home from the office, after we'd had a brew. He took it ok but he's gone. I feel a bit guilty. AIBU?

Yes you are being unreasonable to feel guilty. If he just passes by on the way home from work to have sex with you then leaves straight away, that’s not much of a boyfriend

Could it be because one of you snores? What does he say when you ask why he is going? Do you stay at his sometimes? In which case, does he throw you out at the end of the eve?

He's not really your boyfriend is he? It sounds like he's just using you for sex.
Do you want a relationship like that?

Ha ha , so his booty call fell through and he left.Says a lot about him.

Before Covid, did you go out on dates and socialise as a couple? Or was it always a tea and evening in?

What do you want from this relationship? It sounds like it's going nowhere, and you don't seem happy with this? If he won't give you what you need, why don't you end it?

What's making you feel guilty?

If you're not happy with the arrangement then it's fine to tell him what's bothering you. I probably wouldn't get into the habit of saying you're not in the mood as a way of hoping he realises the problem on his own though.

Wow, he is using you for sex

Where is this "relationship" going

Are you the only woman in his life?

You need to tell him you want him to stay over.

Your a booty call nothing more, he’s not a boyfriend.

I hate that expression, "He's using you for sex." Men and women both enjoy sex, ffs. We aren't just the reluctant vessels for their lusty organs.

I would have done the same.
Or ask him outright why he always leaves after sex.
It seems a lot like he's using you for sex. Not that sexy...

@BrandyandDeath Yes, but op doesn't seem too happy about the situation.
Women can also use men for sex if they make out it's a relationship when it's clearly just about one thing.

You sure he’s not married?

Are you publicly a couple? As in, do you go out together (pre lockdown), socialise together, attend events together?

Or is this a v v low key / hook up arrangement ?

@BrandyandDeath

I hate that expression, "He's using you for sex." Men and women both enjoy sex, ffs. We aren't just the reluctant vessels for their lusty organs.

True. Women can use men for sex too. But in this case, the OP specifically said she wasn't comfortable with the situation.

@BrandyandDeath

I hate that expression, "He's using you for sex." Men and women both enjoy sex, ffs. We aren't just the reluctant vessels for their lusty organs.

Well quite clearly OP thinks she is in a relationship with her BF, he however seems to think she is a drop in sex service.

Where is the relationship bit?

@BrandyandDeath

I hate that expression, "He's using you for sex." Men and women both enjoy sex, ffs. We aren't just the reluctant vessels for their lusty organs.

When the OP wants a relationship, it is 'using' because that's not how it started. It's all he's coming round for

He's treating you as a FWB not a partner! Bin him, he just wants sex unfortunately.

Is there any reason why after 4 years things haven't moved on ie. living together etc? Is that what you both want ?

He bought a new house in a different village 2 years into our relationship so I suppose that was a bit of a backward step. For this reason we've only really been seeing each other at weekends, occasional weekdays. Yes, I've stayed in his alternative weekends. He's never brought up our future... I've tried to but he's not great at talking about feelings or emotions. I think he goes home for the simple reason he's set in his ways and just likes to get home to his own place!

I would.move on and find someone who really appreciates you and who wants more than a weekend/weekday fumble and back to his for a meal for one.

You are not old, perfectly able to find a proper man for a grown up relationship

Nah. You can do better than this, lady.

It sounds like you want different things. It doesn’t sound like this is the man to grow old with.