I said no to boyfriend of 4 years when he got 'amorous' earlier as he always goes home afterwards

[Outdoorsie]

We're together 4 years now - one in 40s and other 50s. Never lived together and no talk of our future. Neither married before and no children. We used to spend maybe one night together a week, but now he's always keen to go home after we've had a nice time together and haven't spent an overnight together in weeks. Lately, he leaves soon after we've had a romantic time together, but recently I've been feeling a bit uncomfortable with this, so today I said I wasn't in the mood when he called in on his way home from the office, after we'd had a brew. He took it ok but he's gone. I feel a bit guilty. AIBU?

I would have alarm bells ringing tbh. Have you been to his place or does he always stay at yours? Ffs never feel guilty for just not being in the mood when it suits him!

YANBU but have you ever asked him why he doesn't stay over? I would see what he says and explain how him leaving soon after makes you feel used. His reaction to that will tell you if it's time to bin him off!

Do you plan meals and cook and eat together, watch TV, go for days out etc (when not locked down)? Does he take an interest in your life at all?

Does he have any signs of social awkwardness/autism?

I wonder if he is on tinder?

Sounds like he is happy for this to stay as a low level commitment. Are you? You mentioned the staying over but if that was resolved would you be ok? Do you want to do things like live together eventually? If you do, end it now and look for someone else.

That’s called a booty call. If you want to be booty called then fine but if you want a relationship this ain’t it. Don’t feel bad for saying no

YABU for not believing that you're worth more

So very sad that you feel like this
It sounds like you want more than he wants to give so I'd look to end it for your own wellbeing. You need to put yourself first, not feel guilty.

You say HE isn’t good at talking about emotions - but it doesn’t sound like you’ve insisted on discussing this head on.

I don't think you are BU at all for telling him you are not in the mood if the pattern you've fallen into is making you uncomfortable. As for feeling guilty; I don't think making it clear sex is off the agenda even if you weren't specifically 'not in the mood' is anything to feel guilty about, is it not rather that you haven't explained to him exactly why you're rejecting the notion of anything physical?

I'm also a bit bemused at some of the sanctimony in here. What exactly is the problem with someone getting what they want and need from an arrangement when they are still blissfully unaware that might not suit the needs of the other party? It's still very much a 'relationship' regardless of the snide commentary.

If I was a single person with a 'friend', I would be glad for them to go home, it would mean I don't have to be around them in the morning :-). I like my bed to myself and a bit of solitude in the mornings. 'All nighters' are a pain unless you are living together, in my humble opinion.

However, if it is a big deal to you, tell the man or, better still, ask him and say plainly that you feel as though you are being used for sex with no commitment. I presume commitment is what you want.

Do you ever go to his? If you do, don't stay the night, go home to sleep.

For some people this would be an ideal relationship - more a FWB.

It's your call OP - are you happy to have things as they are, or do you want more?

It’s just a booty call unfortunately but if you are happy with that then that’s perfectly okay. If not you need to talk it out/or leave.

He's never brought up our future... I've tried to but he's not great at talking about feelings or emotions.

Bullshit ... he's happy with things exactly as they are .. as others have said.. you're a Booty Call ... he isn't sharing his life with you.. he certainly doesn't want you living in his newly purchased house.. screw that .. you deserve better OP 🌺

There's another thing that has occurred to me. Has he started snoring or having to get up a couple of times in the night to go to the loo? The latter is a possibility; if the latter, which is not unusual, it probably does get him down and he would be embarrassed to have to do that in your company.

Ask him if anything is wrong.

I think he is after a more casual R/L maybe? Unless he wants to make any sort of plans for the future, then look around for someone else.

Yes, he basically wants things to stay as they are. The future is.... THIS. If you're happy with that, fine. If not, best talk to him. And if he won't talk about it, there's your answer.

I've tried to but he's not great at talking about feelings or emotions

He's quite able to communicate when he wants a shag though. I'd get rid OP. This relationship is one sided.

You're treading water (and so is he by the sounds of it). The relationship is going nowhere. Indeed, as you say yourself, it's actually gone backwards.

By all means continue treading water with him, but it clearly doesn't satisfy you; so I'd be inclined to swim to shore and have a look around for someone who will be more in sync with you.

He doesn't want to talk about your future because THIS is your future.

If you want more you should probably end the relationship.

So for 4 years you have spent only weekends and the odd night together. Half way through that period (at the point at which most relationships reach the shit or get off the pot stage) he bought his own home.

He clearly doesn’t see a future with you as a couple, but is enjoying essentially sex on demand from a woman who has not sufficiently asserted herself to indicate that this may not be ideal.

Be kinder to yourself OP. Don’t be a doormat and go out a find someone who wants you as part of their life every day.

To be honest it doesn’t sound like he’s your boyfriend, he’s someone you see or a FWB at most—if it’s been 4 years and have never discussed a future together, and he doesn’t stay the night, he’s not your boyfriend

YABVU he is a cock and I would have dumped him by now.

If you want a friend with benefits that's what you have I think. Not really a boyfriend, so decide whether you want to carry on like this or not. It won't change.