I said no to boyfriend of 4 years when he got 'amorous' earlier as he always goes home afterwards

[Outdoorsie]

We're together 4 years now - one in 40s and other 50s. Never lived together and no talk of our future. Neither married before and no children. We used to spend maybe one night together a week, but now he's always keen to go home after we've had a nice time together and haven't spent an overnight together in weeks. Lately, he leaves soon after we've had a romantic time together, but recently I've been feeling a bit uncomfortable with this, so today I said I wasn't in the mood when he called in on his way home from the office, after we'd had a brew. He took it ok but he's gone. I feel a bit guilty. AIBU?

I suppose I've read before where some people say actions speak louder than words and some people aren't just good at saying it, and besides the issues here he does treat me well, so I'm not sure if it's fair to ask him.

It's been 4 years! Yes, it's totally reasonable to ask the extent of his feelings for you.

This!

You need to know where you stand OP even if it means hearing something you don’t want to hear.

Be honest with him if you want more commitment and more of a proper relationship tell him exactly what you want.

He might say he doesn’t love you which you can then move on and find someone else.
Or he might be willing to do those things considering it’s been 4 years.
You just need to be careful that he means what he says so if after 2 weeks nothing has changed then you know where you stand and you need to end it.

What are you getting out of this relationship? Would it not be better to end it and find someone else?

How does he treat you well OP?

Are you prepared to walk away if he doesn't want to change things?

I also think you are a booty call.

I find it interesting that you say in your OP that you have never married. I wonder if you have anything with which to compare how you are now being treated - your question of whether it would be reasonable to ask him about how he feels comes across as spectacularly naive and from a place of low self esteem. This sort of behaviour after 4 years is not normal unless you have mutually agreed to be essentially friends with benefits. This is not how your description comes across.

He shouldn’t be coming round during lockdown anyway

We live alone and are allowed a support bubble together

What do you mean by “treats you well”?

Failing to see how he treats you well.

Your his f buddy,get rid.

@Outdoorsie

I'm going to be seeing him tomorrow so I'm going to say it's become too casual when he comes here and then leaves afterwards, that I'd like him to sometimes stay over, I wouldn't expect it every time.

I'm also wondering whether it's reasonable to ask him the extent of his feelings towards me, in that he's never actually said he loves me. I did to him a couple of times before but then stopped when he didn't say it back. Would this be putting pressure on him?

"would this be putting too much pressure on him". Jesus love, you're too old for this shit. Get some self respect. Decide what YOU want and do it.

4 years OP.

I think you are you may be a lovely convenience for him.

This sounds like it suits him very well.

Be very careful of wasting time with someone who is just enjoying your company but has absolutely no interest in progressing the relationship.

If this is all you both want, then fine.

If you want more, speak clearly, get answers, and make your own decisions.

The ‘putting pressure’ on him sounds like his words.
Has he tried to say you’re putting pressure on him/pushing him away because you’ve mentioned things like this before?

Don’t fall for things like that. If you want more you want more - that’s nit putting pressure on him it’s finding out where you stand so you can stop wasting your time and find someone who wants the same things as you.

What you want from a relationship is not what he wants or is prepared to offer. Ending the relationship would be perfectly reasonable.

Alarm bells are ringing to me, if there's no kids etc you would expect after 6-12 months discussion on living together to arise, have you ever discussed the future? Sounds like he just wants a fwb

Oh op, you deserve more than this. He has someone else or is just not serious about you. Call it a day, move on, be happy.

I hope you manage to get some answers op. This all sounds quite a sad existence for you.

he does treat me well, so I'm not sure if it's fair to ask him.

oh dear 🌺

"would this be putting too much pressure on him". Jesus love, you're too old for this shit. Get some self respect. Decide what YOU want and do it.

What GoldenCurtain said.

You're a mature woman with an 'established' life and home. You know what you want in a relationship and you are (apparently) not getting it from him. Why would it be 'pressure' to ask him if he wants the same things you do?

@BlueThistles

he does treat me well, so I'm not sure if it's fair to ask him.

oh dear 🌺

You must talk to him about this because it obviously bothers you.