I said no to boyfriend of 4 years when he got 'amorous' earlier as he always goes home afterwards

[Outdoorsie]

We're together 4 years now - one in 40s and other 50s. Never lived together and no talk of our future. Neither married before and no children. We used to spend maybe one night together a week, but now he's always keen to go home after we've had a nice time together and haven't spent an overnight together in weeks. Lately, he leaves soon after we've had a romantic time together, but recently I've been feeling a bit uncomfortable with this, so today I said I wasn't in the mood when he called in on his way home from the office, after we'd had a brew. He took it ok but he's gone. I feel a bit guilty. AIBU?

You need to think about why you feel guilty for having a boundary.

That sounds like a dream scenario to me! I hate sharing my bed.

I can totally, totally understand your feelings on the matter though, OP. His behaviour is selfish and cold.
Oh, and of course YANBU.

I don't think he's particularly being a dick (no pun intended). He's happy with the way things are now and it's sounds as if you aren't questioning him about the 'change'. How would he know you aren't happy if you aren't telling him?

I have a friend who won't spend the night at a bf's house nor let them spend the night at hers. She likes having that 'boundary' in place since she's not interested in marriage or living together. She's in her late 50s and her DC are now grown and she is 'free' with no intention of tying herself down.

And since he doesn't/won't talk about 'the future' it doesn't sound to me as if he's promising you anything more than you already have. If you aren't happy with things the way they are, then you need to speak up, frankly and honestly.

He's using you and he's not offering you what you want.

I would have an open conversation about it (by messenger/email if you feel the need- not everyone finds it easier to be assertive/handle confrontation and negotiation in the flesh and that's ok.)

Find out where you stand, whether he's looking for the same things with you in future as you hope for. Act accordingly and permanently bin him if he's not after the same things.

If he says the right things, keep an eye out for what his actions do, if they slip back into this pattern after a while (he may make a token effort to keep stringing you along) then bin.

Tell him the truth that you are not happy with the change in your arrangements. But YANBU.

Op hasn't yet come back, I hope she does.

I was wondering, op, in addition to what has already been asked, do you go out together, socialising with others, for meals, cinema etc (when we are not in lockdown of course)? If you do, it isn't purely a sexual relationship.

You say your boyfriend isn't good at opening up about feelings, etc, which is not unusual; however I do think you should ask him plainly and gently if he has any problems that are embarrassing him and that, without any explanation from him, say how you are feeling.

Actually this sort of set up would suit me down to the ground... but if you want more and he's not prepared to give you more then it might be time to move on. Four years is long enough to decide whether you want a commitment or not.

Are you in the UK? If so, he came round after work and he'd gone by 17.47? On a Friday evening?

Have you actually discussed what you both want from this relationship, OP? 2 years in DP buys his own place further away from you ... this is usually the time relationships move forward - or there’s a conversation about the future (I know not everyone wants to cohabit, but there’s usually a conversation about it). And now you see him less than before, and he instigates this. I would have to say I think he’s not invested in your relationship at all, and if he meets someone else I reckon you’ll never see him again. I think the reason he’s not communicating what’s going on in his head is that he knows he has nothing to say that you will want to hear: right now he has his own life in his own house, with regular sex on the side. You are now separate to his life, and he is happy with the set up. If you want more from a relationship, you won’t get it from this man. Good luck x

I think if that’s the type of relationship you want then thats ok .
He sounds like he prefers it all more on his terms than yours.
I’d think you deserve to be treated better IMO.

I was wondering, op, in addition to what has already been asked, do you go out together, socialising with others, for meals, cinema etc (when we are not in lockdown of course)? If you do, it isn't purely a sexual relationship.

My 'ex' would do other stuff to keep the sex/attention coming.

Also, even if there is a bit more to it than just him calling round for a shag- they go out sometimes etc, it's still not the level of relationship OP wants.

@jessstan1

Yes, in normal times we do things like that... dinner and drinks out, etc, weekends away.

As a PP said I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re the only women in his life. He definitely doesn’t see it as a relationship.

I don’t understand why you’d be feeling guilty and not angry and completely used . Sounds like he drops in for a shag then goes home.

You have to talk to him, whether he enjoys it or not. You're not comfortable with the current trend of him never sleeping over. The only way to deal with that is to either continue being uncomfortable with it or tell him. It's not unusual to want him to stay.

I think you need to have some idea of what you do want from him before you broach the topic, though.

He’s using you. He probably doesn’t even see you as a partner sorry to be harsh.

Sounds like you two just drifted apart

[quote Outdoorsie]@jessstan1

Yes, in normal times we do things like that... dinner and drinks out, etc, weekends away.[/quote]
Well then it is more of a relationship than friends with benefits. Please do talk seriously to him, you owe it yourself and it may be a relief to him. Who knows what he is hiding, men develop all sorts of urinary problems as they get older which they find deeply embarrassing. My husband did a bit and he was mortified but I didn't mind, was supportive and a solution was found. I too had some at one time which I managed to sort.

Good luck.

Good luck.

I suppose it depends what you want.

I agree with the others, he's not a boyfriend OP. Time to find someone new, onwards and upwards. X

On the other hand, if you aren't burning with desire to live with him, maybe this arrangement works. You have company to go away with for weekends, out to dinner and occasional sex. Free to see friends, watch Netflix and do what you want in your own home the rest of the time. I don't think you need to finish it if it generally works for you.
Have you googled 'Avoidant personality type'. Does it sound like him?

I'm going to be seeing him tomorrow so I'm going to say it's become too casual when he comes here and then leaves afterwards, that I'd like him to sometimes stay over, I wouldn't expect it every time.

I'm also wondering whether it's reasonable to ask him the extent of his feelings towards me, in that he's never actually said he loves me. I did to him a couple of times before but then stopped when he didn't say it back. Would this be putting pressure on him?

wow... OP you deserve better than this 🌺

It's been 4 years! Yes, it's totally reasonable to ask the extent of his feelings for you.

Wouldn't you rather be with someone who was enthusiastic about spending time with you and planning together for the future? It sounds like this guy isn't that person and is standing in the way of you finding that person.

Christ almighty. He never says he loves you and he doesn’t stay over after sex - and you’re worried about putting pressure on him?!

Woman. You’re being given dry crumbs here. There’s nothing to salvage.

Oh and his way of communicating his feelings is working perfectly for him. He’s telling you you’re convenient and he won’t go an inch further emotionally.