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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was it that serious?

121 replies

SandwichMaker · 20/11/2020 10:59

Last night my partner and I were going to bed, and his breath was smelling quite strong. I asked him if he had brushed his teeth (sometimes he doesn’t brush them before bed which I personally find pretty gross but I asked him politely) so he got in a bit of a huff but went to brush them. Whilst he was in the bathroom I was reading an article on my phone. He lay next to me and I was finishing the article when he started shouting and swearing at me because I was ignoring him, and because I am rude by telling him his breath is bad. I didn’t want to argue so I stayed calm and asked him to stop shouting and swearing, and he just mocked me. He kept shouting at me and then he decided he was leaving. The whole time I just lay quietly in bed. After he left I felt upset and in a bit of shock. It felt like an extreme reaction to what I actually did, but AIBU? Would you be that upset by somebody asking if you had brushed your teeth? He has on occasion told me if my breath is bad or something like that and I just laugh it off or go brush my teeth! I just feel like I can’t do anything right in his eyes, he’s always annoyed about something or other. I even said to him last week that it seems like he doesn’t even like me anymore so why does he want to be with me?

OP posts:
UnconsideredTrifles · 20/11/2020 11:12

I think the bigger question is why would you want to be with him? He's abusive and unpleasant (and unhygienic!), and if this isn't massively out of character then why would you choose to put up with it?

For what it's worth, at various times my DH and I have each let the other know that there was a breath issue. The correct response is "Urgh, sorry!", to go and clean teeth and that's the end of it.

Bufferingkisses · 20/11/2020 11:15

Wow, looks like you hit the manly pride button! I'd be seriously concerned about his reaction to such a tiny thing and wondering what else would trigger such an overreaction. I certainly wouldn't want episodes like that to be particularly my life.

Alexandernevermind · 20/11/2020 11:16

There is no excuse as an adult in your own home to go to bed without cleaning teeth. Of course you were right to tell him. His reaction was way OTT and suggested deeper issues than "just" poor hygiene.

myhobbyisouting · 20/11/2020 11:20

Well he chose to leave, let him stay there. Why would you want him around anyway. Are there children in the house?

Lipz · 20/11/2020 11:22

He left because you asked him to brush his teeth? If it were me I'd take this time to pack the rest of his things and concentrate on having a life that didn't involve an immature asshole who verbally abused me.

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/11/2020 11:25

He sounds unhinged. Not at all justified to shout and swear over being asked to brush your teeth. Sounds like that is the tip of the iceberg though. Probably deeper issues in the relationship.

coldspaghettio · 20/11/2020 11:26

He sounds like a fucking psycho. A dirty one.

AmandaHoldensLips · 20/11/2020 11:28

Sounds like you've had a narrow escape.

Hope he took all of his stuff with him. If not, chuck the rest out of the window.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 20/11/2020 11:28

Change the locks while he's gone. You deserve better.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 20/11/2020 11:30

Irrespective if the teeth brushing saga...

It's utterly ridiculous to 'leave' over a petty argument or 'feeling ignored' as a one off, so clearly there's much more going on.

If someone started Shouting & swearing at me in bed because I was on my phone, I'd be glad they'd left & change the locks!!

A bit of whinging, moaning or bed clothes tugging or the placement of cold feet works well enough!! Or there's always the radical option of having a conversation about it

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/11/2020 11:31

Looks like the trash took itself out.

I even said to him last week that it seems like he doesn’t even like me anymore so why does he want to be with me?

What did he say to that?

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 20/11/2020 11:34

Unhygienic and abusive, dont have him back.

Poor oral hygiene is directly correlated with heart disease, reminding a partner who has forgotten to brush their teeth is about more than just bad breath.

ElizaDeee · 20/11/2020 11:35

He probably expected to have sex because you told him to brush his teeth, and then when you didn't pander to him immediately he got the hump.

Got riddance to the unhygienic arse. You're better off without someone like that.

SandwichMaker · 20/11/2020 11:36

Yes there certainly are deeper problems in the relationship and this isn’t a one off unfortunately. I just keep trying because there are children involved but I feel completely worn down. He spends so much time telling me what I’m doing wrong that I start to believe that it is my fault, and I was being rude and hurtful by saying his breath smells bad for example. Or whatever it might be next. I’m just realising that I can’t ver give b8n what he wants, there’s always something else for him to complain about. But there’s no point being in a relationship like that is there?

When I asked him if he even liked me anymore he said he wouldn’t bother spending time with me if he didn’t.

OP posts:
Kseniya · 20/11/2020 11:36

only today wanted to write a similar post - about the irritability of a partner.
Mine began to constantly get angry at every little thing, I thought the problem was in me, but why? I am always as calm as you ... smooth out everything in a conversation that is possible, but apparently this is still a general nervousness, due to other problems (maybe problems at work or with finances)? I think so.
maybe you should just ask for a conversation, why everything is happening and ask for an honest answer (if you are ready to hear)

S111n20 · 20/11/2020 11:41

Abusive behaviour will only get worse. Get rid.

ILikeTrains · 20/11/2020 11:48

I may be in the minority here but it would irritate me having my partner question if I had got ready for bed correctly? I'd be a bit 'who the hell are you - my mum/dad?!'

But having said that it does sound like he over reacted to your comments, it sounds like there is more going on here than just grotty teeth.

romeolovedjulliet · 20/11/2020 11:53

mortgaged ? renting ? living together you said partner, this relationship sounds dead in the water, you know what you need to do, for you and the sake of dc who hear and pick up on this rubbish attitude of your partner, don't let them take that as normal behaviour otherwise this goes onto their generation too.

Wyntersdiary · 20/11/2020 11:58

my husband tells me when i need to brush my teeth again and vice versa, we don't make a big deal about it.. id want to know if my breath stank because we have to sleep next to each other.

Obviously it depends how it was said but it seems like he was embarrassed and over reacted.

SandwichMaker · 20/11/2020 11:58

Yes he was expecting sex, he had already told me to wear my nice knickers. But that’s another area that’s never good enough for him even if we’re having sex a few times a week.

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 20/11/2020 12:13

Wear your nice kickers? Just euw.

Does he wear his "nice knickers" for you?

LEELULUMPKIN · 20/11/2020 12:13

Way more going on here than halitosis.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/11/2020 12:13

It doesn’t sound as if he is oozing sex appeal. What do you mean ? The sex? What you’re wearing? He doesn’t sound like a charmer. If he wanted sex, he should have made himself presentable to you for starters.

LEELULUMPKIN · 20/11/2020 12:15

Requesting "nice knickers" being a case in point.

YoniAndGuy · 20/11/2020 12:18

@SandwichMaker

Yes he was expecting sex, he had already told me to wear my nice knickers. But that’s another area that’s never good enough for him even if we’re having sex a few times a week.
Get rid.
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