Was it that serious?

[SandwichMaker]

Last night my partner and I were going to bed, and his breath was smelling quite strong. I asked him if he had brushed his teeth (sometimes he doesn’t brush them before bed which I personally find pretty gross but I asked him politely) so he got in a bit of a huff but went to brush them. Whilst he was in the bathroom I was reading an article on my phone. He lay next to me and I was finishing the article when he started shouting and swearing at me because I was ignoring him, and because I am rude by telling him his breath is bad. I didn’t want to argue so I stayed calm and asked him to stop shouting and swearing, and he just mocked me. He kept shouting at me and then he decided he was leaving. The whole time I just lay quietly in bed. After he left I felt upset and in a bit of shock. It felt like an extreme reaction to what I actually did, but AIBU? Would you be that upset by somebody asking if you had brushed your teeth? He has on occasion told me if my breath is bad or something like that and I just laugh it off or go brush my teeth! I just feel like I can’t do anything right in his eyes, he’s always annoyed about something or other. I even said to him last week that it seems like he doesn’t even like me anymore so why does he want to be with me?

The squashing down is the issue.

The marriage won't work because you're with an abusive man. You want different things. You would like to be happy and harmonious. He wants you to be as squashed under his will as possible; the more squashed the better, because what he's looking for is an ego boost. The smaller you seem, the bigger he feels, by comparison.

You cannot improve your marriage. I'm sorry to be so blunt.

You can improve your life, and the example you set to your children.

You are not the reason for the issues. If you think about it, even if you were a massively faulty person, and he was all sorted and sane, what would happen? He'd either support you while you tried to fix things, or he'd leave you. No psychologically healthy person stays in a relationship when they think everything their partner does is wrong, and criticises incessantly.

Your first step is to turn the volume up on that inner voice. That's the real you. Once you start to hear it and respect it. your thoughts will start to turn from 'Perhaps he's right and I'm a bit crap' to 'He said I was crap, but he's wrong, because I know what I really am.'

That’s a really good point, I hadn’t thought about it that way before. Sometimes he will be annoyed and start an argument but even if I ask him directly what I did wrong or how I can change, he can’t give me a clear answer.

What does it feel like for you when that happens?

Just frustrating and confusing! If he could just tell me what annoyed him or what to change I could work on it. But even if I say okay I will do this differently, he starts on about something else! I think you’re right, it’s not that he actually wants me to change something and improve our relationship - he just wants to berate me.

He does just want to berate you. If he makes you small, he makes himself bigger; he makes himself superior to you. And you allow this, by being willing to change your perfectly acceptable and probably very nice natural ways, to fit in with his needs.

Does anybody else object to you doing things the way you naturally do them? Are you a horrible person who is doing things in ways that hurt others, on a regular basis?

What I'm really asking is 'Can you see any reason why you should change the way you do things'?

No I don’t really have conflict with anybody else in my life. And if there is some sort of issue I’m able to discuss it calmly. Which is what I try to do with him but it never succeeds. It just turns into a battle, even I I stay calm he gets wound up. And sometimes he will say things to try and push my buttons. Then he’ll quite often walk out. And eventually he’ll act like nothing happened or he’ll want to “talk about things” which basically consists of him explaining what I did wrong and how he’s the victim.

It’s very sad to think that he’s doing that on purpose just to make me feel bad and himself feel better. Although thinking about it, on occasion I end up in tears and he has absolutely no reaction. Which I found strange. His family is very toxic and explosive too, I don’t have any contact with them now.

So, what's your answer to this one?

Can you see any reason why you should change the way you do things?

No I don’t think I need to change the way I do things in general, I’m not nasty or rude or anything to him. I think I’m just so used to him being moody or annoyed about things that I got into the habit of overthinking anything I say or do. Sometimes I feel like I’m watching him trying to work out why/if he’s mad and it makes me feel very uneasy. Of course I’m not perfect, so I’m open to changing if I thought it would help. But it’s like the teeth brushing thing, I don’t know how I else I could have said it. I said it politely. Or should I have just ignored his bad breath?! He makes me feel guilty, like I hurt his feelings by doing that. But then he doesn’t care about my feelings obviously.

It very much depends how you said it. It can be an inoffensive no big deal comment, or it can be said in a totally different way. My partner has said it to me in a bossy, overbearing, belittling way that makes me want to kill him, whereas if he was lighthearted and gently teasing it wouldn't be any big deal.

Oh god if I tried to make a joke of it he would get so mad

Are you worried that he might get physical, OP? Has he ever been before?

What are you getting out of a relationship with a temperamental toddler? He seems to have the emotional intelligence of a two year old-you know you can find better fish in the sea!

You’re not going to end it are you?

No he’s never hit me but he has been aggressive in the past, throwing things, punched a door.

I am ending it, I haven’t had any contact with him since he left. The problem is I’ve ended it before but he finds a way back in eventually. That’s what I need to prevent from happening.

He worms his way back in because he knows how to press your 'guilt' button.

The problem is that when he accuses you of making him feel bad, you believe him, despite the fact that you know you haven't done anything wrong.

Is there a part of you that gets angry at him when he guilts you?

No I don’t get angry about it. I feel bad because he talks about wanting to be a family etc and puts the blame on me that that can’t happen. In the past I used to get angry and hold my ground but it just ended up with more shouting and he would keep going, so now I let a lot of stuff go in order to keep the peace.

The 'angry' is what you need, though.

When he says it's your fault that he's hurt in some way, instead of that pressing your guilt button, you need it to press your anger button.

Just like if I said to you now 'We've been chatting on MN, and that means you have to pay me £1000. If you don't, I won't be able to pay my bills, and I'll be homeless.' You could respond to this by feeling terrible that I'm going to be homeless, or (more likely) you could say, 'F off, Eckhart! That's totally unreasonable, and your bills are your business, not mine!'

That's the attitude you need to have with him (inwardly) Recognise where he ends and you begin. If he wants to 'be a family', he needs to listen to and be respectful of his partner. If he doesn't do that, he is the one who needs to feel guilty.

If I could afford it I would pay you Eckhart, you’ve been so helpful!! When I feel myself wavering I’ll have to come back and read this whole thread!

There's a lot of good stuff about boundaries here:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/list-of-posts/

Lots of it is to do with new relationships, but a lot can also be applied to situations like yours. It's quite empowering reading. In losing your anger, you've lost yourself. I hope you find yourself again.

End it. Stick to your guns. He is emotionally abusing you to the extent that you disappear altogether, and you know you deserve better, otherwise you wouldn't have posted this thread.

He has had his chance to be a family. He has blown it. I wouldn’t want to getting into an analysis of what happened with him. Splitting up does not have to be mutual. I’d also consider telling friends and family it’s over now to strengthen your resolve.

My husband was a bit stinky (bit of BO) last night, I told him, we laughed about it, he went & had a wash, we cuddled and went to sleep.
I tell you this because thats what you should expect to happen in a healthy relationship. What happened to you sounds abusive and toxic. I know you say there are children involved and this is why you stay but please reflect on the impact this will be having on their emotional well-being and on their understanding of what relationships should be like.