Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was it that serious?

121 replies

SandwichMaker · 20/11/2020 10:59

Last night my partner and I were going to bed, and his breath was smelling quite strong. I asked him if he had brushed his teeth (sometimes he doesn’t brush them before bed which I personally find pretty gross but I asked him politely) so he got in a bit of a huff but went to brush them. Whilst he was in the bathroom I was reading an article on my phone. He lay next to me and I was finishing the article when he started shouting and swearing at me because I was ignoring him, and because I am rude by telling him his breath is bad. I didn’t want to argue so I stayed calm and asked him to stop shouting and swearing, and he just mocked me. He kept shouting at me and then he decided he was leaving. The whole time I just lay quietly in bed. After he left I felt upset and in a bit of shock. It felt like an extreme reaction to what I actually did, but AIBU? Would you be that upset by somebody asking if you had brushed your teeth? He has on occasion told me if my breath is bad or something like that and I just laugh it off or go brush my teeth! I just feel like I can’t do anything right in his eyes, he’s always annoyed about something or other. I even said to him last week that it seems like he doesn’t even like me anymore so why does he want to be with me?

OP posts:
Bufferingkisses · 20/11/2020 13:05

Oh and thinks it's ok to message other women. You deserve more - everyone deserves more than that. Flowers

SandwichMaker · 20/11/2020 13:06

Yoni 😂 I know it sounds so stupid! But the messages I found weren’t anything terrible, it was more the fact that he was hiding it from me. But he has a way of twisting things round on me and before I know it I’m the one feeling guilty. It’s very manipulative actually. I have ended the relationship many times but he somehow weasels his way back in. I start to feel very anxious when we haven’t seen each other for a while but when we’re together I’m not happy either.

OP posts:
Omeara · 20/11/2020 13:06

Every post you write makes him sound even worse. You are worth so much more, don’t let this be your future.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 20/11/2020 13:07

just spotted the "not living together" update

firstly, eeewwwww, staying over rather than living there and he still couldn't be arsed to clean his teeth Hmm

But bonus, you don't even have to make an effort to chuck him out permanently.
If he does have keys, get them back or call a locksmith.

Eckhart · 20/11/2020 13:08

This is emotional abuse and sexual coercion. The fact that there are children involved is a point for leaving, not a point against it. Don't set them an example of this as a way adult relationships work.

The reason you keep staying with him is because strong boundaries were not set as an example to you when you were young. (I would doubt that your parents were happy together/you had a healthy parent-child relationship with both)

The order of events is: Leave him, immediately, then spend some time relearning boundaries before having another relationship. Counselling, perhaps.

There's a little voice inside you that knows what's right. It's the voice that wrote your OP. It's the one that says 'Hang on. Surely he's out of order, there??' Counselling will support you in learning to hear and respect that voice.

That voice is who you are. It's the core of you. If you don't respect it, nobody else will.

Bladedancer · 20/11/2020 13:12

Just to reinforce Eckharts post:- think of what your children are learning from this about how a man behaves towards a woman. Do you really want them to take this as their model for their own future relationships? They, and you, deserve so much better x

Eckhart · 20/11/2020 13:13

But he has a way of twisting things round on me and before I know it I’m the one feeling guilty. It’s very manipulative actually. I have ended the relationship many times but he somehow weasels his way back in

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

It's very common.

Also, have you heard of DARVO? It'll be the technique he uses. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victm/Offender

That's why you end up feeling guilty after you try to talk about him doing something that upset you.

medium.com/the-ascent/one-way-to-disarm-gaslighters-understand-darvo

Bufferingkisses · 20/11/2020 13:14

It is hard to carve out a new life when you've been used to something for a while. Especially now when uts hard to take up a new hobby in see people who support you. But the getting anxious thing is more a symptom of being out of your pattern than anything else, it is a stage you have to go through to get to the other side.

How about old fashioned aversion therapy? The old elastic band on the wrist to administer a twang whenever he pops into your head? Wink

Joking aside, breaking patterns is hard, it takes perseverance but it is achievable. Distraction is always a good start.

IntermittentParps · 20/11/2020 13:18

Bin
Him

ClaireP20 · 20/11/2020 13:24

He is completely overreacting. He'd hate me OP, my husband vapes and that makes his breath stink, and I tell him all the time 'your bloody breath reeks, sort it out'.

He does get the hump but I'm cockney..I give as good as I get. Get your attitude going girl, don't put up with that shite.

Regularsizedrudy · 20/11/2020 13:26

Aww did the poor little man get his feelings hurt boo hoo. Change the locks.

silverbubbles · 20/11/2020 13:28

nice knickers!! and he can't even be arsed to clean his mouth. Is that because he expects you down the business end? Gross.
Get shot of him.

ThirstyGhost · 20/11/2020 13:29

I read this on Twitter today and it made me think how often I see this playing out on here:

"Slowly realising just how much of my life was altered and adjusted to appease and attempt to make one human man happy has been a revelation over these past few months and I finally feel like I'm starting to wake up after a deep sleep"

This is someone who ended a relationship. I think you'd be happier without him. He sounds horrible.

daisychain01 · 20/11/2020 13:31

Who do these men think they are, making zero effort but expecting their wants and needs dished out to them on demand.

Not cleaning teeth before going to bed is a sackable offence, no reprieve. Lazy, inconsiderate and entitled.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 20/11/2020 13:33

YANBU bad breath is gross I hate being breathed on. My partner has a hole in his tooth which he knows about but thinks it is fine as he is not in pain but my god it whiffs. Your partner over reacted

TwylaSands · 20/11/2020 13:34

I read the op and typed that It is a massive over reaction and i would wonder where he spent the night so easily.

Then i thought Id better rtft and saw this:

We don’t live together currently because I found out he was messaging other women, and we split up because of that but decided to try again.

Bin him.

SandwichMaker · 20/11/2020 13:44

He turns it on me by saying that I make him feel bad about himself, make him feel insecure etc. Not that I say things to him all the time but I do expect him to brush his teeth regularly. And when I was pregnant my sense of smell was so strong and he sometimes wasn’t washing his clothes enough and they got that musty smell. His hygiene overall isn’t terrible though.

OP posts:
Sertchgi123 · 20/11/2020 13:46

why does he want to be with me?

Fuck that @SandwichMaker, you should be asking why do you want to be with him?

LauraMipsum · 20/11/2020 13:47

WRT sex, he complains if its not frequent enough or if I don’t seem like I’m enjoying it enough (because sometimes I’m not keen but he pressures me until I give him sex)

He pressures you into sex - so he knows you are not enthusiastically consenting - and then complains you're not pretending to be enthusiastic?

Throw the whole man away.

Eckhart · 20/11/2020 13:47

Nobody can make a secure person feel insecure.

That can be applied to both of you, and your relationship is built with insecurity as its foundation.

That's why it makes you feel crap.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/11/2020 13:47

@SandwichMaker - he sounds fairly unpleasant, in all honesty. If he's not contributing anything positive to your life, then he's just a millstone round your neck, dragging you down. I understand that even a bad relationship can appear to be preferable to being alone, especially when there are children involved, and where you keep hoping that he''ll revert to being someone nicer than he currently is - but you've tried that and it hasn't worked.

Time to decide how much YOU matter in your own life - and then take appropriate steps. Thanks

ChickenyChick · 20/11/2020 13:48

why spend your life with a stinky angry man

honestly! why?

I would not

SandwichMaker · 20/11/2020 13:51

What you’re all saying makes so much sense, thank you for the links

OP posts:
DrDavidBanner · 20/11/2020 14:00

WRT sex, he complains if its not frequent enough or if I don’t seem like I’m enjoying it enough (because sometimes I’m not keen but he pressures me until I give him sex)

Jesus Fucking Wept!!!!.....Oh this comment alone made me nearly turn green and start ripping my clothes off!!!

The bastard, the absolute fucking bastard.

Please, please listen to all the advice here and get all the practical and emotional support you need to leave. He is abusing you, sit down, take a deep breath and read your quote back to yourself because there is a word for it and it shouldn't belong in a marriage Flowers

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/217475-why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-angry-and-controlling-men

IndieTara · 20/11/2020 14:13

I binned my last ex for hygiene reasons. He just wouldn't take it seriously during the many times I brought it up and in the end I'd had enough.
A year later he's still 'bewildered' as to why I split with him and wants to get back together!

Swipe left for the next trending thread