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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was it that serious?

121 replies

SandwichMaker · 20/11/2020 10:59

Last night my partner and I were going to bed, and his breath was smelling quite strong. I asked him if he had brushed his teeth (sometimes he doesn’t brush them before bed which I personally find pretty gross but I asked him politely) so he got in a bit of a huff but went to brush them. Whilst he was in the bathroom I was reading an article on my phone. He lay next to me and I was finishing the article when he started shouting and swearing at me because I was ignoring him, and because I am rude by telling him his breath is bad. I didn’t want to argue so I stayed calm and asked him to stop shouting and swearing, and he just mocked me. He kept shouting at me and then he decided he was leaving. The whole time I just lay quietly in bed. After he left I felt upset and in a bit of shock. It felt like an extreme reaction to what I actually did, but AIBU? Would you be that upset by somebody asking if you had brushed your teeth? He has on occasion told me if my breath is bad or something like that and I just laugh it off or go brush my teeth! I just feel like I can’t do anything right in his eyes, he’s always annoyed about something or other. I even said to him last week that it seems like he doesn’t even like me anymore so why does he want to be with me?

OP posts:
LittleWhiteFeather · 20/11/2020 12:19

"Wear your nice knickers" made me throw up in my mouth. Revolting.

crosspelican · 20/11/2020 12:22

Yes he was expecting sex, he had already told me to wear my nice knickers.

Ew ew ew! God almighty, and he couldn't be arsed brushing his teeth??

But romantic clumsiness aside, "he started shouting and swearing at me...and he just mocked me. He kept shouting at me and then he decided he was leaving."

I would definitely interpret this interaction between the two of you as a sign that the relationship has broken down completely. It could be, depending on his personality, that counselling might help to save it, but even if you had been carping at him all evening and goading him towards this final explosion, it wouldn't change my answer. You either need help, or a divorce, children or not.

If you stay together like this, you are actively teaching your children what adult relationships are supposed to look like.

Practically speaking, what would you need in place to leave? Do you work?

LEELULUMPKIN · 20/11/2020 12:24

On the bright side OP, his Christmas present is easily sorted.

A blow up doll who won't give a shit about his manky breath and he can dress her up to his hearts content.

1forAll74 · 20/11/2020 12:33

He probably wished that you would ditch your phone whilst in bed.

Ferrari458 · 20/11/2020 12:33

Time for you to decide if this is the way you want it to be for the rest of your life Op. Bearing in mind that if he's shouting and swearing at you in your bedroom your children will be able to hear. Bearing in mind that you think he doesn't even like you any more.

FippertyGibbett · 20/11/2020 12:34

I’d change the locks and leave his stuff outside in the rain.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 20/11/2020 12:41

so why does he want to be with me?

You shouldn't be want to be with HIM!

ILikeTrains · 20/11/2020 12:44

Oh dear - the nice knicker comment would have had me reaching for the biggest, greying pair of mummy knickers I could find.

And yes the extra context to the teeth brushing comment helps - if he wants nookie then the least he can do is brush his teeth.

Things don't sound fun in this relationship - time to re-evaluate.

Toilenstripes · 20/11/2020 12:46

I think telling someone they have bad breath is really shaming. However, he’s still an asshole.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 20/11/2020 12:46

So you have to wear your nice knickers but he can't be arsed brushing his teeth for you without having to go on the attack?! Give yourself an early Christmas present and dump the prick 🎁

Sparklesocks · 20/11/2020 12:46

It sounds exhausting OP. Constantly stepping on egg shells hoping something trivial doesn’t set him off yet still expecting sex when it suits him. It’s not acceptable to shout and swear at your partner.

I know you are thinking of the kids but this isn’t sustainable. And it’s possible they’ll start to notice (or overhear) how their dad speaks to their mum and that will impact them much more.

Sadhoot · 20/11/2020 12:47

Wow, are you my neighbour? I am often woken up late at night/early morning by them having a row.

He sounds horrible, OP.

Sadhoot · 20/11/2020 12:48

Toilenstripes

I think telling someone they have bad breath is really shaming.

What??

SandwichMaker · 20/11/2020 12:49

I understand the point about me being on my phone, but he could have just said that or talked to me about it.

I do wonder why I keep trying. Part of me really wants it to work out but I think I’m holding on to a fantasy because it never changes. I feel on edge around him trying to watch his mood and make sure I’m not doing something wrong. WRT sex, he complains if its not frequent enough or if I don’t seem like I’m enjoying it enough (because sometimes I’m not keen but he pressures me until I give him sex)

We don’t live together currently because I found out he was messaging other women, and we split up because of that but decided to try again.

Jesus, when I read it like that it sounds bloody ridiculous. I think I know we need to split for good, but he messes with my head and I end up feeling like I’m the one who caused the problems so I try to change or adapt.

OP posts:
stschiap · 20/11/2020 12:53

(because sometimes I’m not keen but he pressures me until I give him sex)
Bin him. Immediately.

We don’t live together currently because I found out he was messaging other women, and we split up because of that but decided to try again.
Bin him. Immediately.

He wants sex when he wants it. You have to wear your nice knickers. If you're not up for it he pushes you into it anyway.
He doesn't bother to get himself presentable and clean for sex - ie. doesn't brush his teeth.
He messages other women.
He's horrific. You can do WAY better than this.

Ferrari458 · 20/11/2020 12:54

Bloody hell Op, you don't live together anyway. All you need to do is bag his stuff up, change the locks and tell him it's over. Even if you did "cause" problems - which you didn't by the sound of it - if a relationship is over it's over.

Magicpaintbrush · 20/11/2020 12:56

He left because you asked him to brush his teeth? If it were me I'd take this time to pack the rest of his things and concentrate on having a life that didn't involve an immature asshole who verbally abused me.
I completely agree with the above post. He is being a baby about something minor and swearing at you and storming off is disgusting.

msflibble · 20/11/2020 12:58
  • he pressures you into sex you don't want or enjoy then complains you didn't enjoy it
  • he is critical, rude and abusive
  • he has poor hygiene and flounces when it is politely pointed out
  • you're obviously unhappy

this is a clear cut case of LTB I'm afraid

SandwichMaker · 20/11/2020 12:59

Thank you for all your replies. I think I’ve become so used to the way he is that I’ve normalised things in my head that I would have found completely unacceptable in the past. It’s helpful to hear objective opinions on some of his actions/words.

OP posts:
Soxandseven · 20/11/2020 12:59

Please get rid of him, he is not adding to your life, he is taking away from it. And he will continue to wear you down

YoniAndGuy · 20/11/2020 13:00

We don’t live together currently because I found out he was messaging other women, and we split up because of that but decided to try again.

Fuck's sake OP!!!!!!

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 20/11/2020 13:02

Oh dear - the nice knicker comment would have had me reaching for the biggest, greying pair of mummy knickers I could find.
my priority would be a spare duvet and another room
he sounds ghastly

Topseyt · 20/11/2020 13:02

He pressures you for sex, fails to brush his teeth so his breath stinks, messages other women (so he may or may not be seeing them too) and wants you to wear your "nice knickers" for him?

He isn't good relationship material. Dump him. Whilst you still have some shreds of self-respect left. It won't improve from here. Send him back to his own place and tell him to stay there.

Bufferingkisses · 20/11/2020 13:02

Op, he messes with your head because you allow him to speak to you. If you stop contact he can't do that. Your partner pushed you into sex then complains you're not into it. Expects you to perform sex on his schedule. Screams at you for wanting him to be somewhat clean when you are performing sex for him. He is not going to be the idea you have in your head. The problem is not you.

I would say lock the doors, block contact and stay that way. Look at getting yourself some support in place. No one deserves to be someone's sex doll and verbal punching bag.

Nottherealslimshady · 20/11/2020 13:03

Oh god, get rid!

He told you wear his nice knickers because he wanted sex and didn't bother to brush his teeth?! Shows how much respect he has for you.
And he complains that you're not enjoying sex enough? Surely that's his fault.