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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find DP insufferable sometimes

82 replies

Brickwall20 · 19/11/2020 17:21

This afternoon I was making the family a pasta bake.

He comes over to inspect the way I'm layering the pasta and other ingredients and tells me I'm doing it wrong.

He remarks that it's going to be 'watery' because I put a few drops of water into the sauce jar to get out the remainder of the sauce, to minimise waste.

I tell him it won't and carry on with what I'm doing.

He then waits until I've put the food into the oven to say "I just hope it'll be alright with them tomatoes in it"

I asked what he was talking about and he said tomatoes make food 'watery'

After telling him not to be daft (it was a few cherry tomatoes, halved) he admits he didn't want tomatoes in it.

He saw me preparing them and saw them sitting on the chopping board for at least 10 minutes before I added them, yet failed to say a word.

I went to the toilet and came back to find him turning the oven up to high, I said it doesn't need to be so high it'll burn (the pasta and bacon bits had already been cooked)

To that he replied "i should have listened to myself this morning when I told myself to keep my mouth shut today and not say anything to you today"

I asked him to elaborate and he said "because of your PMS"

I do suffer from PMS but feel as though it's not at all relevant in this situation, I've been in a perfectly fine mood all day.

I bit my tongue throughout his constant critiques and interfering with my cooking.

He has aspergers and sometimes can come across really fucking rude.

Would you be upset by this or no? There are times when I seriously question the relationship.

OP posts:
PaperTowels · 19/11/2020 17:23

Eurgh. I was going to say he was insufferable, but then you said he's on the autistic spectrum.

I guess, either you can deal with this sort of behaviour, or you can't.

Although maybe he was just being an arse, and needs some explaining done!

AryaStarkWolf · 19/11/2020 17:25

YANBU that would really annoy me too. My husband does that with the sauce jar sauce too, good idea and it doesn't make the dish watery!

Aquamarine1029 · 19/11/2020 17:25

There are times when I seriously question the relationship.

As you should be. Why are you tolerating this bullshit? His aspergers is no excuse for him being such a controlling prick.

I asked him to elaborate and he said "because of your PMS"

That comment alone is more than enough to dump him. Get rid of this man. You'll be a lot happier.

lastqueenofscotland · 19/11/2020 17:26

God he sounds like an arse

Calcifer12 · 19/11/2020 17:27

I'd tell him to cook his own fucking dinner if he doesn't like yours.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 19/11/2020 17:27

I probably couldn’t put up with that long term.

Are you prepared to?

The PMS comment alone Hmm

He’s being an area and trying to make you the problem.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 19/11/2020 17:28

*arse

Feedingthebirds1 · 19/11/2020 17:28

I wouldn't be upset, I'd be extremely cross. If he's such an expert why isn't he doing it?

He's blaming PMS for what he sees as your 'mood'. I hate it when that's the default accusation. No sunshine, it's because you're a prat.

And at the same time, don't (you or him) use his Asperger's to justify him getting away with it. It may be more difficult for him to moderate his behaviour, but he can learn. It isn't a get out of jail free card to be as obnoxious as he wants.

Candyfloss99 · 19/11/2020 17:30

He's blaming his horrible behaviour on your PMS? No just no. Misogynistic idiot.

BoulangerieBabs · 19/11/2020 17:30

He's autistic,I presume you knew this when you got in to a relationship with him.

If he's anything like my ds then anxiety comes across as rudeness quite often.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 19/11/2020 17:30

I would have told him to fuck off and suggest he cooked. As he clearly thought he would do a better job of it

The PMS comment Confused

DeadGood · 19/11/2020 17:31

Don’t get upset, get contemptuous. That will get through to him.

How dare he turn his shitty behaviour around on you.

BiblioX · 19/11/2020 17:32

Asperger’s isn’t an excuse to be insufferable! He either cooks his own food at all times or he learns to be courteous. Oh and the PMS remark is actually misogynistic and Asperger’s isn’t the reason for that either. You do not have to put up with being treated disrespectfully in your own home. Life’s too short.?

Brickwall20 · 19/11/2020 17:33

I didn't know he was autistic when I met him no, I just thought he was quirky and a stickler for habit. I knew nothing about autism.

I (and he) only made the connection when our son was diagnosed just shy of his third birthday.

It all made sense then.

OP posts:
Brickwall20 · 19/11/2020 17:37

DP was diagnosed at 32.

His formal diagnosis is autism spectrum disorder, not aspergers per se (they don't diafnksd that anymore) but I use the term aspergers so you get an idea of where he is on the spectrum. He is what used to be known as 'high functioning'

He did a good job of masking these unpleasant traits for the first 5 or so years so I'm not convinced it's his autism, moreso that he perhaps doesn't like me very much these days.

OP posts:
vanillandhoney · 19/11/2020 17:38

I think the autism is relevant in that it may go some way to explain his behaviour.

However (and I say this as someone who has also been diagnosed with autism), there is absolutely no need to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. His autism is not your problem in that respect and you're under no obligation to change your behaviour to pacify him.

BoulangerieBabs · 19/11/2020 17:52

He did a good job of masking these unpleasant traits for the first 5 or so years so I'm not convinced it's his autism, moreso that he perhaps doesn't like me very much these days.

Masking is very common in autism and it can cause a lot of damage.

Either you speak to him about it or you end the relationship.

Calling autistic traits unpleasant really doesn't bode well for your future relationship with your ds and is a thoroughly unpleasant thing to say

Nottherealslimshady · 19/11/2020 17:56

Ugh so he's behaving like a tosser but it's your fault for being premenstrual?
If he doesn't want it then he can go without.

He's not being rude because of his autism, he's being rude because he wants to be. Autistic people dont say nasty things, sometimes they misread situations and neurotypicals think they're being rude when really they're just being logical. Like when I used to say "theres nothing you can do about it now" to fellow students who were upset about scoring badly on exams, rude to you, sensible comforting advice to me.

vanillandhoney · 19/11/2020 17:56

He did a good job of masking these unpleasant traits for the first 5 or so years so I'm not convinced it's his autism, moreso that he perhaps doesn't like me very much these days.

I suggest you have a read up of autism and masking behaviours. Masking is EXTREMELY common in people with autism. They learn what is considered acceptable behaviour in terms of social interactions, and do their best to emulate that.

However, it's not possible to mask forever and it is in fact incredibly dangerous to people's mental health.

You also have a DS with autism and no doubt he will display similar behaviours in time. I'm not trying to criticise you but if this is how your DH behaves there is every possibility your DS will be similar.

Autism is not easy to live with for anyone involved but I don't think it's fair to assume he just hid his behaviours and is now being malicious because he doesn't "like you anymore".

Shoxfordian · 19/11/2020 17:56

Acting like that is unpleasant for whoever is on the receiving end of it though, regardless of why he's acting like it.

He sounds exhausting to be around

CounsellorTroi · 19/11/2020 17:59

I always rinse out the tomato tin with water when making chilli and it doesn't make it watery.

Brickwall20 · 19/11/2020 17:59

@BoulangerieBabs

He did a good job of masking these unpleasant traits for the first 5 or so years so I'm not convinced it's his autism, moreso that he perhaps doesn't like me very much these days.

Masking is very common in autism and it can cause a lot of damage.

Either you speak to him about it or you end the relationship.

Calling autistic traits unpleasant really doesn't bode well for your future relationship with your ds and is a thoroughly unpleasant thing to say

Well it is unpleasant isn't it? Like I said, I'm not attributing the PMS comments to his autism. At all.

It was a dig.

I humour him when he's being 'fussy' as I know he likes things a certain way so I let it go over my head, however grating it can be when I'm trying to cook us a meal.

I'm raising a son who will know it's not acceptable to make misogynistic remarks like that. Autism or not.

OP posts:
CoRhona · 19/11/2020 18:01

Another one who thought he was being rude AF until I saw your line about Asperger's.

I worked with someone like this, it became unbearable for me but I do believe they were not being malicious. More that there was simply no filter on what they said.

I have every sympathy with you though, there is just no way I could live with it.

Brickwall20 · 19/11/2020 18:02

I shouldn't have used the word masking.

What I meant was, he did well not to make horrible comments about PMS for the first five or so years.

I know what masking is and I shouldn't have used that word in this context.

OP posts:
user18435677565533 · 19/11/2020 18:03

He sounds like a garden variety abuser who's found a good excuse to hide behind.

He's misogynistic, controlling, and treats you badly to keep you in your place.

Why are you continuing the relationship?

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