To find DP insufferable sometimes

[Brickwall20]

This afternoon I was making the family a pasta bake.

He comes over to inspect the way I'm layering the pasta and other ingredients and tells me I'm doing it wrong.

He remarks that it's going to be 'watery' because I put a few drops of water into the sauce jar to get out the remainder of the sauce, to minimise waste.

I tell him it won't and carry on with what I'm doing.

He then waits until I've put the food into the oven to say "I just hope it'll be alright with them tomatoes in it"

I asked what he was talking about and he said tomatoes make food 'watery'

After telling him not to be daft (it was a few cherry tomatoes, halved) he admits he didn't want tomatoes in it.

He saw me preparing them and saw them sitting on the chopping board for at least 10 minutes before I added them, yet failed to say a word.

I went to the toilet and came back to find him turning the oven up to high, I said it doesn't need to be so high it'll burn (the pasta and bacon bits had already been cooked)

To that he replied "i should have listened to myself this morning when I told myself to keep my mouth shut today and not say anything to you today"

I asked him to elaborate and he said "because of your PMS"

I do suffer from PMS but feel as though it's not at all relevant in this situation, I've been in a perfectly fine mood all day.

I bit my tongue throughout his constant critiques and interfering with my cooking.

He has aspergers and sometimes can come across really fucking rude.

Would you be upset by this or no? There are times when I seriously question the relationship.

Tell him that its really fucking annoying when he stands there and comments on your cooking. You find it rude and insulting and you need him to make himself scarce when youre cooking.

@Piwlyfbicsly

You sound unapproachable tbh Does he have any say in what he eats at all? And I suffer from PMS too and when I reflect back on my past conversations... I regret

Of course he does, it was him who chose to have pasta bake.

If I was unapproachable he wouldn't have kept approaching me to critique my cooking surely.

I'm a bit confused as to what gives you that impression of me? Is it because he said he should have known better than to say anything to me today?

Really annoying behaviour and anyone who says 'them tomatoes' is a disgrace.

Anyone can have a say in what they eat by preparing it themselves

Also, if he didn't want tomatoes he should have just said so.

Waiting until I've added them to the meal to make a passive remark after seeing them on the side for the past ten minutes is just daft.

If he had said he didn't want them then they wouldn't have gone into the food.

As it happens he cleared his plate and said it was lovely. He caused a fuss for nothing.

It would annoy me

But to me this is not divorceable , but yes reason for you to tell him to stop being so annoying!

It sounds awful though, cooking for a man who hovers and critiques. I’d stop cooking, or get him to leave the kitchen!

I once walked off leaving the pan on the stove and dh had to finish it

Does he resent you for not wanting sex?

Next time he does it tell him he can cook. Leave the kitchen and go have a lovely relaxing bath, a long walk or an hour or two with a glass of wine and a good book.

Continue doing that every time he does it.

I agree that you need to focus on looking at him, saying I’m not going to keep putting up with this while I cook our dinner, coming back to later to apologise for being an asshole doesn’t make it ok. You finish dinner, I’m going for an asshole free walk.

If you do that a few times I think he will get the message pretty clearly, and much faster with way less emotional energy needed from you than endless discussions to try and get them to see.

My ex was like this. For 8 years I put up with his behaviour as I thought he was on the spectrum and couldn't help it. The controlling behaviour escalated over time and he became increasingly physical with my children and eventually me. Since we split nearly 4 years ago I've been dragged to court twice over child custody. I've watched him switch his behaviour on and off. He is abusive, manipulative and very clever.

Op I split from my husband last week for exactly this reason. He also has HFA but in denial. I've given it 14 years. Enough is enough....

Does he resent me for not wanting sex? I'm not sure, probably.

As is usually the case there are other issues with the relationship, one particular bone of contention being his irresponsibility. I won't drip feed or derail but things are far from great.

I'm probably going to sound awful here but if I'd had the benefit of foresight then I wouldn't have settled down with him.

I'm sorry to read that some of you can relate to parts of my post and have had a shit time of it with ex husbands.

For you Alice and Macken x

Sounds like he is using ASD as an excuse to be abusive.

OP, if you’re not happy then don’t sacrifice yourself, your kids will be fine.

I have thought about leaving (or rather making him leave) but do worry about the impact that would have on our son. We spent a week apart once during a cross roads of the relationship and DS was inconsolable to the point of almost making himself ill (he's autistic too)

@HollyandIvyandallthingsYule

Next time he does it tell him he can cook. Leave the kitchen and go have a lovely relaxing bath, a long walk or an hour or two with a glass of wine and a good book.

Continue doing that every time he does it.

I read this on here, and DH and I have quoted it often to each other.

You interfere. You volunteer.

And as per the quote. I have put the utensils down and gone out for a run. A very Long run.

@Brickwall20 that sounds tough and I empathise 100% with what you are saying. It’s very tough doing the executive functioning for an entire family and it’s also tough not having that sense of intuitive emotional support. Do you find that the flash points are those moments when you do just need someone to exercise that kind of emotionally intelligent communication and you don’t have the energy to stand back and spell out what you need at that moment or just brush it off? Eg the tomatoes!

Do you find that the flash points are those moments when you do just need someone to exercise that kind of emotionally intelligent communication and you don’t have the energy to stand back and spell out what you need at that moment or just brush it off? Eg the tomatoes!

Yes! It can be very frustrating. I understand autism reasonably well these days as I've had to educate myself for both of their sakes, but it's not easy to live with.

It worries me that DS is likely to have the same problems in relationships and not everybody is as patient as me (I appreciate I might not sound very patient in my OP but that's because I'm venting here so that I don't IRL)

He sounds like a right arsehole OP.

Don't resign and sacrifice your life for your son.

At the very least either tell him cook himself or spare you his unsolicited advice.

If anyone game me cooking criticism like that, I would exit the kitchen.

I have an ex with Asperger's, and the problem is he used it to excuse what he knew was bad behaviour.

I always knew the difference because if I got upset, he would say 'sorry I can't help it, it's my Asperger's' meaning he knows he was a dick, whereas when it really WAS his Asperger's he didn't apologise because he didn't understand why I was upset.

You can either deal with it or you can't. I couldn't.

annoying someone over their cooking isnt abusive ffs, its just annoying. Same as backseat driving. I think some people here see abuse as anything anyone ever does thats irritating. They ascribe malicious intent. Fact is, lots of people are hard to live with. Even our own kids. You have to pull people up on it sometimes.

You really do have to just tell him outright. "Youre doing it again. Piss off and leave me to cook, or do it yourself"
If it continues to happen, then you need a talk when not in the heat of the moment, if he really IS sorry, then you need a way to remind him that isnt confrontational.
Nobody is perfect, and if he is aspie, then he is going to have some social communication difficulties. Thats the nature of it. Im sure you can work with this if you want to keep the relationship and not batter each other

I couldn't be doing with this autism or not it is manners. If someone else is making dinner you eat it and be thankful. Let him do all the cooking

@Sparticuscaticus

Look, yes, he's fucking rude And yes, he's annoying snd the passive aggressive interference is irritating snd needs managing He is Autistic spectrum disorder and you know that now

So he wants black and white instructions
Give him them

"Dear Partner,
-Stay out of the kitchen when I am cooking and do not interfere.
-If you want to cook, you cook and I will stay out of the kitchen when you are cooking so you can do it your way"

Then stick to it

If you want to cook going forward, he doesn't get a fucking option if he wants to eat

Enjoy your pasta bake, put the other half in the fridge or freezer for another day. Let rude misogynist git cook his own meals just the way he likes them.

I once lived with someone who claimed to be dyslexic (read books voraciously, so I was never 100%) convinced, and thought it covered being excruciatingly rude, bullying, not being able to cook/wash up, have affairs, just about anything you can think of really..........