To find DP insufferable sometimes

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This afternoon I was making the family a pasta bake.

He comes over to inspect the way I'm layering the pasta and other ingredients and tells me I'm doing it wrong.

He remarks that it's going to be 'watery' because I put a few drops of water into the sauce jar to get out the remainder of the sauce, to minimise waste.

I tell him it won't and carry on with what I'm doing.

He then waits until I've put the food into the oven to say "I just hope it'll be alright with them tomatoes in it"

I asked what he was talking about and he said tomatoes make food 'watery'

After telling him not to be daft (it was a few cherry tomatoes, halved) he admits he didn't want tomatoes in it.

He saw me preparing them and saw them sitting on the chopping board for at least 10 minutes before I added them, yet failed to say a word.

I went to the toilet and came back to find him turning the oven up to high, I said it doesn't need to be so high it'll burn (the pasta and bacon bits had already been cooked)

To that he replied "i should have listened to myself this morning when I told myself to keep my mouth shut today and not say anything to you today"

I asked him to elaborate and he said "because of your PMS"

I do suffer from PMS but feel as though it's not at all relevant in this situation, I've been in a perfectly fine mood all day.

I bit my tongue throughout his constant critiques and interfering with my cooking.

He has aspergers and sometimes can come across really fucking rude.

Would you be upset by this or no? There are times when I seriously question the relationship.

Why are you continuing the relationship?

First and foremost I love him, I also don't want the children to come from a broken home.

The reason I wrote that I don't think he likes me much anymore is because he hasn't always been this rude to me. It has become progressively more frequent as the years have gone by.

What is your recommendation then @BoulangerieBabs? Her DP is acting unpleasant, that means his behaviour - whatever the reason behind that behaviour - is unpleasant. Is she supposed to just suck it up because he is autistic? Does her happiness and comfort mean nothing in a relationship?

YANBU OP. It is so frustrating when someone won’t just come out and say actually they don’t want and can we have instead and decides to make passive aggressive rude comments.

He has apologised twice as it was clear he'd upset me, but we'll be here again next week. It's a regular occurrence.

Don’t be stupid about this OP, just leave him, you’re not happy. Also leaving him won’t make your child come from a ‘broken home’ plenty of children have divorced parents, but staying with him and creating an unhappy household will give the child a broken home.

It's highly unlikely that he was masking with you for 5 years, maybe 1 or 2, so in this instance he's just being an arse. DS1 and I are both diagnosed with ASC and can manage not to be dickheads. Actually DS1 can be a dickhead to his younger brother but that has nothing to do with autism.

It is so frustrating when someone won’t just come out and say actually they don’t want and can we have instead and decides to make passive aggressive rude comments.

Absolutely! The irony is he's always saying he wishes NT people would just say what they mean. He's very black and white but is perfectly able of being passive aggressive rather than just saying what he means.

Fuck knows why he's been festering in resentment of my PMS all day, it doesn't impact him even a fraction of how it impacts me. I'm not an angry person with it either.

I don't tend to want sex when I'm pre menstrual as I have alot of troubling symptoms, that's probably why he resents that.

It has become progressively more frequent as the years have gone by.

That is normal for abuse. The harder it is for you to leave (children, marriage, time...) the worse they get. And of course he wouldn't have started out as a prick because then you'd have got rid at the beginning.

The apologising and then continuing is also standard for abuse.

In what way is an abusive home not already broken?

PMS is a way for a misogynist to put you down for being female. That's it. Nothing complicated.

I have a rule that anyone who picks fault in a meal I am making can go without eating it.

See, as soon as he started criticising my cooking, he'd be out the room.

Why didn't you just cut him off before he upset you? I would have told my DH to leave me to cook and if he'd made a comment like that, he'd be wearing the dinner.

He did a good job of masking these unpleasant traits for the first 5 or so years so I'm not convinced it's his autism, moreso that he perhaps doesn't like me very much these days.

I would not be convinced that it was his autism, either.

Calling autistic traits unpleasant really doesn't bode well for your future relationship with your ds --and is a thoroughly unpleasant thing to say

His behaviour towards her is unpleasant. It is an honest thing to say.

I have never thought of him as abusive moreso somebody who can be very rude sometimes, but because I know he has autism it's hard to know where to draw the line as others have said people with ASD can be very blunt and appear rude.

I agree he has been misogynistic though and that's the part I'm pissed off about, not him faffing over the tomatoes however annoying that is.

I asked him to elaborate and he said "because of your PMS"

That just gave me the rage - and I'm long past PMS and even the menopause!

My DH is like this and my PMS is the difference between hitting him with a frying pan or not.

I can be emotional during PMS week but that manifests in me being more sensitive and I can feel quite down.

There was zero correlation between my PMS and me saying the oven doesn't want to be on high though, I said it in a perfectly reasonable matter of fact way. I wasnt arsy or blunt.

The fact he responded with crap about my PMS just says to me that he was being petulant as he didn't like being corrected.

Oven doesn't need to be on high, rather.

Most adults with autism understand how to stay polite, even with family. We may be a little blunt but honestly, we know what’s ok most of the time. Well, those of us who are ‘high functioning’ do anyway.

@MustardMitt

What is your recommendation then *@BoulangerieBabs*? Her DP is acting unpleasant, that means his behaviour - whatever the reason behind that behaviour - is unpleasant. Is she supposed to just suck it up because he is autistic? Does her happiness and comfort mean nothing in a relationship?

YANBU OP. It is so frustrating when someone won’t just come out and say actually they don’t want and can we have instead and decides to make passive aggressive rude comments.

That she either discusses it with him and unpicks things or she calls it a day.

Autism is very hard to live with sometimes, there's no two ways about it.

My ds will say whatever comes in to his head, he has no filter, it hurts when he says things sometimes but I know it's the ASD and not him being nasty. If he's read or her that a woman's hormones can cause a woman to be 'grumpy' then he will take that as so, at face value. I can try my damnedest to educate him but it frequently just doesn't compute.

Look, yes, he's fucking rude
And yes, he's annoying snd the passive aggressive interference is irritating snd needs managing
He is Autistic spectrum disorder and you know that now

So he wants black and white instructions
Give him them

"Dear Partner,
-Stay out of the kitchen when I am cooking and do not interfere.
-If you want to cook, you cook and I will stay out of the kitchen when you are cooking so you can do it your way"

Then stick to it

My ds will say whatever comes in to his head, he has no filter, it hurts when he says things sometimes but I know it's the ASD and not him being nasty. If he's read or her that a woman's hormones can cause a woman to be 'grumpy' then he will take that as so, at face value. I can try my damnedest to educate him but it frequently just doesn't compute.

I understand that.

I wasn't being grumpy though, there was nothing about the way I spoke that would give the impression that I'm in a bad mood.

When he apologised he said "I'm sorry for being an arsehole" so he knew what he was doing.

He was rude but I hate DH putting water in the jar to get every drop out. It does make it watery.

I suppose it could make the dish watery if you use too much water, but the couple of spoons of water I used made no difference at all.

I do it with every jar of sauce and he has never complained about the food being watery as it never has been.

I agree with you PP about making it clear I don't want him interfering with my cooking from now on.

Some dumb ass changing the temperature of my oven while I'm cooking would've gotten an earful add in the hounding over the allegedly watery sauce, dislike of tomatoes and the cherry on top of that shit sandwich the PMS accusation? He'd be out of my house for the day sourcing a meal because my kitchen would be closed to him

@AuntyMabelandPippin

See, as soon as he started criticising my cooking, he'd be out the room.

Why didn't you just cut him off before he upset you? I would have told my DH to leave me to cook and if he'd made a comment like that, he'd be wearing the dinner.

Same

You sound unapproachable tbh
Does he have any say in what he eats at all?
And I suffer from PMS too and when I reflect back on my past conversations... I regret