Suprise snowballed - what do I do now!

[binkyblinky]

TL:DR - do I still give vouchers, or do I send cash? would really like some opinions on this please!

Earlier in the year, a lady from my school set up a Facebook chat no we left school at 1995, so are all in our 40s now.

The lady who set it up didn't have a pleasant experience at school I believe, I believe she has some form of learning disability. She messages the chat every couple of days asking how everyone is, and trying to start conversations. It is clear to me and several of my former classmates that she is incredibly lonely. She has said in the past that she didn't have the best experience at school.

We are very grateful for her setting up the chat and putting people back in touch.

She has had a terrible year. [MNHQ have edited these details to protect identity]

I thought it would be a kind gesture to have a small collection for her, intending to send her some supermarket gift vouchers so that she could perhaps buy all her and her daughters's Christmas food 'on us', so I set up a just giving account and hoped to raise £50-£100 for her.

Well! It's snowballed a bit. And currently I have £295!

Now. This is a large sum of money. It could really help her! Do I send her the cash (I have her address) - or do I send her £100 supermarket vouchers and £200 love to shop vouchers? I don't know much of her situation, whether she is in debt or not. But I kind of feel that it would be great for her to not have to worry about gifts for her daughter, and Christmas food.

AIBU to still give vouchers? Or do I send her cash? (Into her bank account)

Would love some opinions / ideas x

Definitely don’t give money.

Giving someone money because you think they’re living in poverty is embarrassing for them and will likely make her feel like a charity case.

I might be inclined to ask her, “we wanted to get you something to say thank you for getting us all back in touch and we’ve raised a bit of money, is there anything you want or any vouchers you would prefer instead?” That way she does have a say in things and won’t be made to feel as if she has been begging on FB in the hopes of being given cash.

@FudgeDrudge

People suggesting m&s or John Lewis- what planet do you live on? Seriously?

Why? Are poor people now allowed a little luxury?

I'm not saying its the most sensible option but its not risible.

Jesus Christ.

Different fucking world on here sometimes.

I have had a mixed experience with love2shop vouchers (sometimes they don't validate correctly) so def go supermarket.

Or Amazon gift card for 300 as PP said. She could get her child a laptop or almost anything.

@AlternativePerspective

Definitely don’t give money.

Giving someone money because you think they’re living in poverty is embarrassing for them and will likely make her feel like a charity case.

I might be inclined to ask her, “we wanted to get you something to say thank you for getting us all back in touch and we’ve raised a bit of money, is there anything you want or any vouchers you would prefer instead?” That way she does have a say in things and won’t be made to feel as if she has been begging on FB in the hopes of being given cash.

I can guarantee you, if she is that hard up she would be thankful for cash. Rather than traipsing round town looking for some where to spend the vouchers.

Nice idea but but don’t try and control where she spends it.

Jesus Christ.Different fucking world on here sometimes

Do you want to explain why its so completely insane to give poor people vouchers for M&S instead of Tesco, as a gift? You think theyre not good enough for the better quality food, or what?

If you do go ahead with Tesco vouchers (though I prefer the Visa card option) make sure you get several small ones that she can use as and when. Not one for £100 where she has to spend it all. It would be a hell of a Christmas but not much use afterwards.

Out of interest, when you say she's obviously lonely, do you engage with her? You say she 'tries' to start conversations, which makes it sound like she doesn't get very far. You've got the money so give it to her, in whatever form, but don't let it be in lieu of company, even if it is online.

@AlternativePerspective

Definitely don’t give money.

Giving someone money because you think they’re living in poverty is embarrassing for them and will likely make her feel like a charity case.

I might be inclined to ask her, “we wanted to get you something to say thank you for getting us all back in touch and we’ve raised a bit of money, is there anything you want or any vouchers you would prefer instead?” That way she does have a say in things and won’t be made to feel as if she has been begging on FB in the hopes of being given cash.

I’d utterly embarrassed if some one said this too me. ‘We’ve raised money now tell me what you want and I’ll go buy it’. Your treating them like a child.

People really have no idea what it’s like living with out money.

If she’s broke then cash will get swallowed up in her overdraft or bills. Vouchers let her spend more than she would on shopping and saves her some cash to pay the overdraft/bills from her usual budget.
Maybe send a food gift box such as the Morrison’s Christmas hamper so you know she gets some Xmas treats and then Tesco vouchers for the bulk of the rest.
Make sure she knows it’s a thank you for getting you all back together and perhaps say everyone was embarrassingly over generous and you hope the amount doesn’t offend her so she doesn’t expect the same next year.

Actually I've been really fucking skint, like really skin, and I would have been mortified beyond belief if old school mates had given me cash after a whip around. I would have just about died. If they'd given me flowers and vouchers it would have felt totally different.

Vouchers can be spent on food and they would have also freed up my benefits for other things. I would have spent Tescos vouchers on filling up my store cupboard and bulk buying toilet rolls and hygeine essentials. Love2shop vouchers can be spent in TKmax and possibly Argos - that would have got me a decent pair of winter boots and a warm coat, or perhaps something I needed for the house, a good duvet for example.

Stuff that you never have the money for when you're skint because you won't actually die if you have shit holey boots and a crap duvet that's stained and thin and 20 years old, but it would be a lot nicer if you did have them.

If you had the cash you'd never buy them though, because there's always a million other things to spend actual cash on, usually involving other people and their needs, and meanwhile your feet get wet every time it rains, and people ask you if you don't feel the cold because you're wearing a summer raincoat in January

So yes, OP, flowers and vouchers so you can also give the gift of respecting someone's dignity because actually when you're skint that's often the first thing to go and the last thing you can get back.

As you were

@FudgeDrudge

Jesus Christ.Different fucking world on here sometimes

Do you want to explain why its so completely insane to give poor people vouchers for M&S instead of Tesco, as a gift? You think theyre not good enough for the better quality food, or what?

Because when I was really poor, I’d have probably wept at a comparison between how long I could have eaten for with £100 at Tesco vs £100 at M&S?

There is plenty of high quality food at Tesco too.

Would you give someone who you believe may be short of money a £100 F&M hamper, because poor people deserve treats too?

Would you give someone who you believe may be short of money a £100 F&M hamper, because poor people deserve treats too?

I might, yes. Because sometimes you need a little frivolity and decadence, even when you are on the bones of your arse. Especially then.
Bread and roses. Survival is insufficient.

Such a kind thing to do

Vouchers 100%

As a PP said, giving someone money smacks of pity/charity
Vouchers are a gift.

I'd tread very, very carefully on how you present it though - I'd be mortified if someone had done a charity collection for me.

Do make sure the vouchers cover a shop in her area. Our nearest Waitrose is 40 miles away.

"Surprise snowballed"

Gave me a completely different idea, don't Google snowballing

I can see you're trying to do something kind, but if she uses mumsnet too she is going to recognise herself from your op.

I would be really hurt if I read someone posting details of my private life online where people who know me might recognise me or a tabloid might republish it.

You did not need to share the terrible thing that's happened to her daughter online. Would her daughter want the whole world to know that?

Even if there are no convictions, victims of sexual crimes are entitled to lifelong anonymity. People and media who breach that via jigsaw ID are just as liable as those who directly name someone.

Identifiable isn't about random people identifying someone, it's about the person and those who know them being able to recognise themselves by
putting together the details shared - and the harm that can cause.

And also if some of those vouchers were M&S I'd have been delighted, because it would have been such a huge treat, and it would have made me feel like a normal person who could choose to shop in M&S for a change, and that other people didn't see me as Asda smartprice only povvo girl.

So I'd give her a mix of vouchers. That way she can make time last and get necessities as well as a treat.

She can pay some of her bills with the money she frees up and she can get herself something too,which mentally will probably be of more benefit to her that paying off some bill that she'll probably owe again a month later anyway

As I said. I just wanted to do something nice for her, to cheer her up, because she is sad, and lonely. And I thought; a gift voucher to her fave supermarket at this time of year would be great. It's always expensive at Christmas.

I in no way thought I'd raise so much. So hence my dilemma.

I have since found out her fave supermarket is Morrison's, and she can't remember the last time she went clothes shopping for herself, as she spends all her money on her daughter.

@ReallySpicyCurry I think unless you’ve lived it then people can’t really understand the reality and endlessness of it. It’s not like being broke at the end of the month waiting for payday. Unfortunately I understand as this was my life for many years when ds was small. Getting a Christmas hamper was amazing and meant I could treat ds with some chocolates in a Christmas stocking. Cash would have vanished into my overdraft or the electric bill.

Can you not buy tesco vouchers online and get them sent directly so you don’t have the worry of them going missing?

You’ve done a lovely thing. Tesco/another supermarket is great as you can get anything you want in there.

Perhaps ask the group their favourite supermarket or where they’ll do the Christmas shop to make sure its the right one.

Does Morrison’s do clothing? Check what’s available in the local Tesco as some of them have a huge amount of concessions for clothing. Then give her £100 just for her and clothing.

I feel all warm and fuzzy just hearing about it. I think you’re about to make someone’s entire year.

Would you give someone who you believe may be short of money a £100 F&M hamper, because poor people deserve treats too

‘Let them then eat cake!’

When I was on my arse as a single mother that money would have gone on - paying off any immediate debt that may have bailiffs knocking on causing ridiculous stress, trip to Aldi to stock the cupboards up, Heron ( very cheap freezer shop) to fill the freezer up. Plenty on the gas so I dont have to worry about heat over Xmas. Plenty of electric for my drier as I can’t hang it out side and the maiden takes too long. If there was any left then I’d buy dd something and anything left I’d buy myself something.

And I’d go to bed and sleep peacefully

It’s a kind thought giving someone vouchers but it’s insensitive to the realities of people that might be in a financially bad place.

There's some out there would hace snatched the lipstick out of the women's hands at Belsen, because apparently when you're in a miserable situation all you should do is dwell on your misery and not expect or look for any spark of brightness or frivolity because "it's not necessary"

Well, man shall not live by bread alone and all that

Tesco and Amazon would be better than 'love to shop'.