Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Scar on Ds face - comments from children

126 replies

ThePinkGuitar · 19/11/2020 08:40

How is best to deal with this?
Ds in foundation year.
He has a scar on forehead due to an accident which was my fault due to which I have ptsd. Im very sensitive about the scar. I’ve paid for lots of treatment for my poor boy and it has helped the appearance compared to what it looked like.
My biggest fear was that kids would name call him at school due to the scar for which I am completely responsible.
This morning he told me some of the children have been asking him what’s wrong with his face and why does he have a big scar, he said it makes him feel so sad.
I feel so sorry for him my beautiful boy and people just see his scar.
It’s breaking my heart.
I’m already on anti d and having counselling I can’t cope with this guilt.

OP posts:
didiimaginethis · 19/11/2020 13:24

My DS has large scars on his body, easily visible when swimming or when it's hot and he wears shorts. Children will ask, I found with my DS they also like to touch the scar (possibly because it looks so different to his other skin). Reassure your son that children will ask and that's ok - we found the best way to handle it is to simply say a basic version of what happened: "I fell and now I've got this scar" for example.
I used to feel terrible about my beautiful boy now with these awful scars but honestly they don't bother him, they are simply a part of him. Much better to encourage him to answer their questions, they probably won't ask again.

2bazookas · 19/11/2020 13:24

He could tell his friends he has a forehead scar because he's a wizard. Harry Potter has a scar just like his.

I recommend Bio oil, available in chemists, wonderful treatment for any scar. Also smells divine. It's not cheap but the smallest bottle lasts a very long time.

reluctantbrit · 19/11/2020 13:24

I think there are two points here. You are struggling with his scar and how it happend and people's approach to it.

Obviously they are connected but your struggle also means your child picks up on it and it makes him more self consious about it.

I know you work on your side but in th eshort term you and your son have to come up with an approach how to tackle questions. Children at that age are not necessary nasty, they are curious.

It may be worth speaking with the teacher, they could put subtle lessons about why we look different and how to take people's feeling into account into the school day. DD's school did this when they had a child joining with a physical disability.

Equip him with answers, either silly and funny or just a simple "I had an accident" and teach him to love himself.

Joeblack066 · 19/11/2020 13:29

My son had TB when he was 4- it settled in his lymph gland and resulted in massive scarring on the side of his neck and chin. From 5 years old of anyone asked what the scar was his answer was always “Shark bite”! Little ones never questioned it and older ones knew it meant none of your business!!

ZombieAttack · 19/11/2020 13:36

@Joeblack066 no way, that’s what happened to me too!

Joeblack066 · 19/11/2020 13:39

[quote ZombieAttack]@Joeblack066 no way, that’s what happened to me too![/quote]
TB?! Really? The hospital that dealt with my son in the early 90s (in the south) had not seen a case like it. They thought it was the killer flesh eating bug at the time.

MaMisled · 19/11/2020 13:47

A friend had a big facial scar, and as a child, told curious children she was attacked by a shark! Since adulthood, as a very respectable, smart lady, any slightly rude comments or enquiries are met with " i got involved in a knife fight"!

ZombieAttack · 19/11/2020 13:50

@Joeblack066 it didn’t eat my face but I do have a scar from where they operated not knowing it was TB. It was in my lymph glands in my face.

SquashedSpring · 19/11/2020 13:51

Trying not to be too outing here, but my DC has a facial difference. I don't know if this was the right approach, but from when they were tiny I said that everyone looks different from each other and this difference was like eye colour or height for example, just more unusual. I told them that because it is unusual, other children might be curious, so be nice to them and just tell them what it is called or the cause of it is.

I remember being in a playground and an older boy stood pointing and laughing at DC, while who I presume was his grandmother just watched and said nothing. It felt like a knife in the stomach and it made me dread the start of school.

I'd always told dc that we don't comment on people's appearance, so when we got home I told dc that somebody must have forgotten to tell this to the boy from the park. DC replied that it was sad that no one had told the boy and that he felt sorry for him not knowing.

A year later we were down at school and a girl came up to dc and laughing, pointed out the difference. My stomach knotted, but dc just gave the girl a really sympathetic look and gently told her what it was. She looked a bit confused by his response and walked off with nothing more said.

I don't know if DC has faced any comments or meanness in the following years, but if they have, they haven't said anything.

Abetes · 19/11/2020 13:58

My ds has a scar on his face from an accident when he was a toddler. It’s not as big as your son’s but on his cheek so very noticeable. He’s 15 now and thinks it makes him look cool and hard (it doesn’t because he’s a big softie....)

PabloHoneyBee · 19/11/2020 14:05

How very dare you @Abetes! My scar is on my cheek and I am Hard.As.Nails. Wink

1WildTeaParty · 19/11/2020 14:24

So sorry that you have had to suffer for this accident for so long OP. A two year sentence would be harsh even if it had been a crime. Please forgive yourself. Accidents happen; life is like that.

I don't know if it is reassuring but we are all 'different' enough to be picked on by a determined bully. The scar will not change this for your son.

On a project long ago poets were sent to work in hospital departments. Very interesting poems came from the 'skin' clinics and talking to patients/doctors/nurses there. I might be wrong but think that Jackie Kay's poem 'My face is a map' was inspired by such real experience.

It is about a child with dramatic scarring and difficulty speaking because of it. Starting with a story, the girl's mother gave her such self-assurance that in later life she is uncertain about whether she wants or needs to be made to look like everyone else.

RightYesButNo · 19/11/2020 14:29

@ViciousJackdaw

4 cm? From the way you talk about it, you'd think the scar was some huge, disfiguring mark. Your DS needs to know that this is no big deal at all - scars are a fact of life and few children make it to adulthood without incurring some type of injury. You can slather all the gel in the world over it, it won't do a thing for his self-confidence - that comes from within, not from a tube. Acting as though it is some terrible thing is only going to reinforce the idea in his own mind.
I think a lot of people missed OP’s correction: It is 4cm, NOT 4 inches. That said, I think the biggest factor to this is your trauma, OP. Of course you can’t control what gives you PTSD, and it sounds like you’re doing everything possible to get help. But it’s so important that you don’t let your son see that his scar makes you sad. He shouldn’t think his scar is something to be sad about. If other children are just asking him about it, maybe he just doesn’t like being singled out, and you can help him prepare an answer based on lots of good ones recommended by PP.

I have several scars that are at least 4 cm, including one on my face that I don’t even know the genesis of, and as an adult, no one asks me about them. This will probably be forgotten by him as he gets a little bit older, and people are less likely to notice or care.

CastleOfDoom · 19/11/2020 14:57

He’s 15 now and thinks it makes him look cool and hard (it doesn’t because he’s a big softie....)

Ha, my boys 15 (the one with the scar) & 17 were mucking about wrestling and pulling each other's ears. I told them not to as they'll get ears like rugby players. They both said they wanted cauliflower ears as they were cool and would make them look tough HmmGrin

Abetes · 19/11/2020 16:16

@PabloHoneyBee I’m sure you look hard as nails....and distinguished and beautiful and anything you want to be. Whilst little kids ask about these things because they are curious, lots of teenagers think of them as a bit of a badge of honour and then adults really don’t care. So to go back to the OP the notice people take of it will diminish as he grows older and he might easily grow to like it like my ds. Please don’t beat yourself up about it though - if you show confidence, then your ds will gain confidence too.

Beentherefonethat · 19/11/2020 16:26

Can you rub something into it, like bio oil?

I had a scar and rubbed hydrocortisone into it and it’s gone.

feministbias · 19/11/2020 16:35

My dd has two facial scars and a huge one all down a limb which is impossible to hide during summer.

The limb one she treats like a badge of honour.

People ask, she answers, they often have follow up questions. It's never upset her.

Could you be projecting a bit, if he knows it make you sad because you still blame yourself and feel guilty, it will cloud how he sees the scars and himself.

Joeblack066 · 19/11/2020 16:42

[quote ZombieAttack]@Joeblack066 it didn’t eat my face but I do have a scar from where they operated not knowing it was TB. It was in my lymph glands in my face.[/quote]
Amazing! There’s two of you then! His was 1994 🙂

TicTacTwo · 20/11/2020 09:00

If I knew your son I'd show him my scar and explain it's no big deal. Most people have a freckle, mole or other distinguishing mark and his scar is just that. My dd has one her forehead and has always been matter of fact even though I have sometimes seen her touch that area when adjusting her hair or doing her make up and feel a little strange about it.

I think that kids ask because they are curious. They'd never consider a medical issue possibly being upsetting or private. If a new child started in his class and they had something different about them say a wheelchair or hearing aid, he'd probably want to know more too. I suspect that he senses your sadness/discomfort about this. It was an accident and you need to forgive yourself. He's still your perfect little boy ThanksThanks

Thespottytortoise · 20/11/2020 10:03

What is best for you, might not be best for your little boy here unfortunately.

His scar is triggering for you, and you've put a lot of effort into reducing it, but honestly those efforts are more for you than him, unless this scar is very disfiguring. Especially with boys, scars are often considered cool, and more a curiosity than anything.

The more you let your feelings on it show, the more you (at this stage) try to cover his scar, the more self conscious about it he'll become.

You can't make the scar disappear, but you can help him feel ok about it by presenting it to him as a cool unique feature comparing him to Harry potter, a pirate etc

At this age, his attitude towards his scar will largely follow the vibes you give him about it.

Mischance · 20/11/2020 10:09

If he has a scar on his forehead he could say that he is Harry Potter's brother!!!

Children are usually quite accepting of things that are different in their peers. I think you need to try and be upbeat with your son, and also very aware that your guilt about it might inadvertently cause him to make a bigger thing of it than it needs to be. He says he is sad about the others asking him how he got it - it may be that this sadness is compounded by him picking up that emotionally it is a big thing for you.

This is not a criticism of you - I can understand how you might feel; I just think it is good to be aware that your feelings about it could influence how he feels.

StormyInTheNorth · 20/11/2020 10:50

Owner of a facial disfugurement checking in. I don't get the need to tell weird and wonderful stories. I have enough trauma without having to reassure people. When I was little I used to cry and then they'd laugh so that's out. As are the funny stories, because why should your little boy joke about his appearance. He is as beautiful as anyone else.

I go with, "I was born with it." Big smile. Could easily be changed to, "I had an accident."

As for your guilt. I am so sorry you feel like this. Keep going with the therapy and also be strong for your DS. He will pick up on your sadness and internalise about his scar. I certainly got the ugly message from my mother first, not her telling me (not when I was 5, that came late), but I always knew she was embarrassed because she used to scream at people in the street for staring at me.

Witchend · 20/11/2020 11:17

My dd is missing her hand.

Firstly: They will get comments. At reception year they tend to be interested rather than nasty. Encourage your ds to think of them as interested questions, rather than people being nasty.

Secondly: One of the most positive things you can do is encourage your dc to answer honestly without getting upset. "I was born like that" was dd's answer. If she liked the person she would go further into talking about what she could do etc. Actually you'll find that "I had an accident" will be easier for them to accept than "born like that".

Thirdly: How he reacts now will spell out how they will react to it in the future. If he reacts as in "no big deal, so what". Then they'll probably forget about it.

Lastly: He will get nasty comments at times. He will potentially get people staring as they go past. He will have questions about it all the way up, even in adulthood, if it is still visible. In some ways learning to deal with the questions when young, and they're very matter of fact, is better than trying to protect them at that point.

I would have a word with the teacher. Then if you get a child who keeps pestering (you occasionally get a child who really finds it fascinating) they know to tell them to back off.

Some people go for the approach of parent going in and talking about it, and saying how they are just the same as everyone else is. Personally I think that has the potential to back fire-after all if they're the same as everyone else, why do you need to tell them? I certainly think if you're likely to get upset, that isn't a good idea.

Some people like the book "Wonder" for the child. My dd didn't. Her comment was that it gave the message that if people still didn't accept you when you look different then that's because there's something wrong with you inside too. However you may find it helpful when he's a little bit older.

Another thing potentially to do is look out for people like him. Harry Potter is the obvious fictional example, but maybe there might be a soldier on the news, or someone on a quiz programme. "Oh look, they have a scar like yours, isn't that fantastic!"
Make it something special to be proud of, rather than something to be hidden away. That way he will have the inner peace to be able to cope with any negative comments.
Dd was always so proud to see someone else like her.

You can also get dolls made "like you" if that would help.

QueenoftheFarts · 20/11/2020 11:32

My son has a number of surgical scars including one very big one. He was self conscious until someone told him to just say "Shark Attack" if anyone asked. It was never a problem again.

Crinklesmile · 20/11/2020 12:41

Scars are common. And yes, the parent guilt is real. All my children have scars from accidents, playing, etc. Cheesy as it sounds, we just blanket them all with 'every scar tells a tale'
In our house its a running theme that we are just not very hardy creatures, and our skin isnt injury proof.
I have a really big one on my arse cheek. My dad yanked me off a wicker chair and a nail pulled down it. And being an 80s kid it was just washed with tcp and covered with fabric plasters. Should have been stitched but sure.
I showed that sucker to everyone 😅
What I'm saying is, don't feel bad and just accept that they happen.
Humans are easily hurt, but we are amazing at healing too x