Scar on Ds face - comments from children

[ThePinkGuitar]

How is best to deal with this?
Ds in foundation year.
He has a scar on forehead due to an accident which was my fault due to which I have ptsd. Im very sensitive about the scar. I’ve paid for lots of treatment for my poor boy and it has helped the appearance compared to what it looked like.
My biggest fear was that kids would name call him at school due to the scar for which I am completely responsible.
This morning he told me some of the children have been asking him what’s wrong with his face and why does he have a big scar, he said it makes him feel so sad.
I feel so sorry for him my beautiful boy and people just see his scar.
It’s breaking my heart.
I’m already on anti d and having counselling I can’t cope with this guilt.

DD has a scar above one eye, she didn't like people asking about it as the truth is somewhat complex and sensitive.
We taught her to give an edited version: 'I had an accident when I was young but I don't remember it' that was enough to satisfy them.
I am not aware she was ever bullied for it.

@ThePinkGuitar

Yes I’ve posted on here about it when it first happened and then on and off since. 2 years now 😔 4 inches maybe

Sorry to hear it's still affecting you.

Is it as bad as you think it is? Are you attaching your trauma and seeing it larger than it really is?

How did it happen? Where on for head is it? Could a shaggy fringe help?

he said it makes him feel so sad did he really say this unprompted? Usually children will take things as they come, so yes they will ask about something that is different but they won't do it in a judgmental way at all, and usually the one having something different won't mind the questions (except if he has been previously made to feel this is something to be ashamed of, hopefully you have been careful not to do that).
My DS with autism brings a chew toy to school (Y1), I was afraid about bullying but apparently after a few curious questions his classmates have just accepted it, I heard one tell their parent oh yes this is Tom's chew toy, it helps him.

OP, you really need to try to get over this.

It doesn't sound like the other children are bullying him, it sounds like they're asking him about it, thats not going to damage him long term.

What will hurt him is if he doesn't have a normal relationship with his mother because she's so racked with guilt over an accident. Accidents happen, and all you can do after they've happened is pick up the pieces and move on.

Its great that you're having couselling about this, please continue it and try not to let your son see how bothered you are about it.

I've got a huge scar on my forehead which I've had since I was 9 (I'm mid 50's now). I hid it with either a floppy fringe haircut, or and this may not work for your son, hiding it with flesh toned concealer and foundation. It needs to be done in layers but if you can colour match the tones to his skin colour and blend it, it will make the scar almost invisible. Try not to view it as make-up, but more like camouflage

The kid is 5/6, does he really need to learn his scar is something he should hide?

I was made to grow my hair to cover my birthmark and I hated it. I didn’t care, but I hated being made to feel like i should hide something that was part of me, and that it was automatically assumed others would not like me because of it. Especially as there is fuck all I can do about it.

If he wants to hide it in his teen years then that’s up to him. But until then teach him resilience and to love his appearance. Everyone has flaws.

Can he have a fringe hair cut or if it's really affecting him Maybe cover it lightly with some scar covering make up? I know he shouldn't have to do that but it it makes life easier then there's no harm in it.

At that age it is no more than passing curiosity. Dd has an unusual birthmark and I had same fear but it has rarely invited comment and certainly no bullying. You are projecting your emotion into this.

He has beautiful curly hair but it grows ‘up’ if that makes sense so not able to do a fringe. Interesting re Jasper carrot watched ball quiz (name?!) for years never noticed (consciously -anyway) his scar until I just googled him there 🤔

@ThePinkGuitar

He has beautiful curly hair but it grows ‘up’ if that makes sense so not able to do a fringe. Interesting re Jasper carrot watched ball quiz (name?!) for years never noticed (consciously -anyway) his scar until I just googled him there 🤔

Golden Balls

It was! I did think Golden balls but then thought no they couldn’t have actually called it that but apparently they did 😂

Same op, I had to google him just now to find his scar. It took me a minute to see it, even actively hunting for it!

I don't have scars but have had bad eczema (inc on face) my whole life.

Kids often asked and looked disgusted at it. I told them that I was born in an underwater city and the dry air didn't agree with me Only worked until I was about 7 tbf but it helped as then they looked impressed

Help him come up with a good answer. Preferably a fun one.

The kids in his class have asked, once they are used to it, it will be forgotten about. My dd has something which makes her stand out (not a scar) New dc often comment at first then totally forget about it.

My ds has a scar on his leg, he is older than your ds and enjoys making up outlandish reasons as to why it's there when he's asked about it. Dog attacks, shark attacks etc. Might not be the way to go, but if you relax about it, then hopefully he will be able to not see it as a big deal.

My ds has a huge scar on his body from a surgery. It maybe different from one on the face, but I would do what I did with my ds's scar. Make him proud. It proves he is very brave and that's something he should be proud of, not something he should be sad about.

Don't know if they are into Harry Potter at that age but that might be an idea. My son had serious eye problems when he was that age, when asked he always said he was having an operation to have a bionic eye, the bionic man was big at the time. When he went into glasses after the op he picked back frames and told everyone he was like Clark Kent, I think a Superman film had just come out. The big problem was there was an outbreak of children in his class complaining of eye problems as they all wanted a bionic eye.

Hope he does OK.

Hi OP, I really feel for you:-(.

Every single parent in the entire history of the world has made mistakes with their children and most of the time we get away without consequences and sometimes we don't:-(.

My dd has a scar on her leg from ripping it open on a broken tile I had carelessly left on the bathroom floor. The scar is worse than it would have been because we didn't take it to be glued because it happened at bedtime and it wasn't bleeding much.

Whatever happened was a mistake and you didn't do it on purpose and you have to forgive yourself.

I'm not sure what foundation is and what age your son is but in my experience young children are extremely accepting and while they will definitely notice and ask questions they will accept and get used to anything. The key is to build your sons confidence so that he is not ashamed of his appearance. Part of that will probably be you working through your own guilty feelings about what happened.

Both Ds and his cousin have scars in the same place from accidents! Right next to their eye. Ds was hit in the face with a plastic hockey stick, his cousin fell sideways off a chair. He has been asked about it, he just says I was hit in the face with a hockey stick. To the point.

Young children are inquisitive, it is a great thing to have curiosity. They are not bullying him simply asking him a question. He just needs to say, I fell over. That is it. As he gets older he can invent mad stories

I understand that you are feeling terrible because it is your fault. My friend's son has a damaged finger because she slammed it in a car door by accident, my other friend's son has a similar injury from her shutting his hand in a car boot. Accidents happen. You didn't intentionally hurt your child. The scar will fade, people will forget it is there. You don't need to ever tell anyone the truth, just he fell when he was younger. Done.

@Suze1621

Definitely prep him with an answer and don't project your guilt and sadness onto him.

^ this

My DS15 has had a scar on his forehead since age 4 and he has never had an issue with it. Kids are curious, that's all. Tell them the truth or some elaborate Harry Potter lie and they will forget about it.

I remember a lot of years ago reading the Jasper Carrot always got asked about his scar. He made ever increasingly silly stories of how he got it - he was bitten by a shark for example. I thought that was a fabulous way of dealing with it, so maybe that's something you can adapt? I think Dave Allen did something similar about his missing finger.

I have a scar that I got as a youngster. I was very conscious of it my whole life but ironically the wrinkles now make it less visible so I am happy to avoid Botox

Scars look much more prominent on young skin. Mine faded as I hit my late teens/twenties in particular. I was often amazed when out in bright sunshine when someone would say "Oh I never knew you had a scar!" To me it was totally obvious from the start.

I wear make-up when I fancy it but for reasons unrelated to the scar. I learned to accept it early on and have strong self-esteem which I think came from having to face the world knowing they had questions. In many respects, I think the earlier you acquire the scar, the "better". I mean this very kindly but this has possibly more to do with your feelings on the matter than your son's. Just tell him to either reply "I had an accident but I can't remember any of it" or "It's my superhero mark" or whatever he fancies. Incidentally my mother was equally distraught I remember.

Finally Trudie Styler - one of the most beautiful people alive - has a scar and has spoken frankly about it if you want to google. There are others in public life but I won't list them as they haven't talked about them publicly as far as I know.

I have spilled my guts out - clearly struck a cord with me!

My brother had a massive,long scar on his arm, where he was pretending to throw a javelin and his arm went through a glass door (I'm old, pre safety glass)

At some point he just started telling people it was from a shark bite and then he became the coolest person in the room.

No need to lie, but as PP have said, kids ask, mostly out of curiosity. Your response and your attitude to the scar will definitely impact his response.

My niece has a huge facial birth mark. From the beginning her parents were very cool, laid back and matter of fact about it. She is amazing, totally not bothered. She has occasionally had some nasty comments, but her self esteem around it is solid based on how her parents dealt with it.

You have the opportunity to give him a narrative to tell, I like what a PP said. I had an accident when I was a baby. I think it is cool like a PIRATE!! Then the others will take their lead from him.

By the way, that huge scar on my brothers arm, is hadrly visible now, time and growth does a lot.

My teen dd has a scar on her forehead. She either makes an outrageous story about it or just says "I did it when I was a baby" which in enough to satisfy people's curiousity

@bluebluezoo

I've got a huge scar on my forehead which I've had since I was 9 (I'm mid 50's now). I hid it with either a floppy fringe haircut, or and this may not work for your son, hiding it with flesh toned concealer and foundation. It needs to be done in layers but if you can colour match the tones to his skin colour and blend it, it will make the scar almost invisible. Try not to view it as make-up, but more like camouflage

The kid is 5/6, does he really need to learn his scar is something he should hide?

I was made to grow my hair to cover my birthmark and I hated it. I didn’t care, but I hated being made to feel like i should hide something that was part of me, and that it was automatically assumed others would not like me because of it. Especially as there is fuck all I can do about it.

If he wants to hide it in his teen years then that’s up to him. But until then teach him resilience and to love his appearance. Everyone has flaws.

The kid is 5/6, does he really need to learn his scar is something he should hide?

It depends on what sort of comments he's going to get. I got called a "freak, "ugly", Frankenstein" scarface" and stared at more times than I want to count. I hide mine because it makes life easier for me not others. Even now nearly 40 years later, if I do go out without camouflage I still get comments and questions about the bloody thing. Far from loving my appearance, the comments and stares have made me hate it.

I have two scars on my face, one makes me look a little like the joker and the other is directly down from my eye. No one actually knows how I got them (or I assume no one is telling me!)
When I was a kid and I would get asked I just said I had an exciting life 😂 I don’t know why, I don’t think it was ever mentioned in secondary school and now at nearly 30 they only seem to be noticeable in certain light!