Scar on Ds face - comments from children

[ThePinkGuitar]

How is best to deal with this?
Ds in foundation year.
He has a scar on forehead due to an accident which was my fault due to which I have ptsd. Im very sensitive about the scar. I’ve paid for lots of treatment for my poor boy and it has helped the appearance compared to what it looked like.
My biggest fear was that kids would name call him at school due to the scar for which I am completely responsible.
This morning he told me some of the children have been asking him what’s wrong with his face and why does he have a big scar, he said it makes him feel so sad.
I feel so sorry for him my beautiful boy and people just see his scar.
It’s breaking my heart.
I’m already on anti d and having counselling I can’t cope with this guilt.

I came on to recommend the Changing Faces website too - lots of useful information. My son has an obvious physical difference/disability (not facial) and he has found the early years of school to be difficult in terms of constant questioning and unwanted interest from other children, so I can empathise with your feelings. The best way to help him is to be matter-of-fact and model confident behaviour/appropriate responses to any questions (and the kids are going to ask questions).

Most of us have some difference/blemish and as previous posters have said, it will probably be less obvious as he gets older. I have some facial scarring myself and it does not bother me much at all - it is now well hidden amongst the acne scars and wrinkles!

DS is 10 now, and is regaining his confidence regarding his difference but it has taken some time to get to this point. Not one of us is perfect, and your son will be stronger for his difference.

Kids asking is not a bad thing, it's normal natural curiosity - as long as he doesn't think of it as bad (and it absolutely is not! His body got a cut and grew new cells and healed, that's fucking rad that we can do that!) then it's fine, just natural curiosity. Kids will very quickly move past it and just accept that their friend has a scar. I went to school with a kid whose fingers looked like they had elastic bands tied around them, the only issue he had was teachers used to tell him off for tying string around them when he hadn't and it pissed him off. We didn't even notice after a bit until the teachers forgot and said it again. We were all a bit by the end of it. Honestly, it'll just become completely normal.

I've had birth related PTSD - definitely keep up with the therapy (EMDR? It was really helpful here) and know nobody is as harsh a critic as you are on yourself. Keep repeating that you're a good mum and he's just fine.

Thaat is a pity OP but very easy to turn that frown upside down (at least for DS)! Kids are curious about differences, the novelty will wear off. Would be good if you dealt with your guilt as DS will pick up on it and could make him more sensitive possibly even reluctant to talk to you when he feels singled out as he may worry it will upset you.

I'd have lots of conversations about differences. Watch Shrek with him - where having a non-traditional beauty is dealt with wonderfully. Talk about what makes people unique and special. If he is confident it won't be an issue. And he will learn to ignore stares and rudeness as he gets older.

I remember having a friend with an amputated limb at school, she made it seem so cool I was actually jealous at times! It's all in the spin.

You need to separate the two issues of him having a noticeable scar and how it came about. If it hadn't been caused by you what would you tell him to say? Probably just, 'I had an accident when I was a baby' so tell him to say that and I guarantee the kids will be happy with this as an explanation. Dont make up any exciting pirate stories etc just a plain and simple explanation. My son has trich and pulls his own hair out leaving huge bald spots, he told the kids at school the bald spots were cause by a condition that he has, which is the truth. No one ever talks about it anymore it is just an accepted partner him and he is in year 6 now.

He might be a little bit young to have had a duel with Voldemort but bitten be an angry Quokka or saving a puppy from a bear might work well.

Also, I had an accident' works.

Children just ask questions, I've had small children ask, "Mum why does that lady have a walking stick" and mum gets all embarrassed and I just say my legs don't work properly.

Get him to make up an OUTRAGEOUS STORY definitely involving a shark or an orca
and then say "it was ages ago and I do not remember"

Look up Amanda Redman ......

Teach him to simply say some basic version of the truth (sorry I don’t know what that is in this case).

Eg I fell off a chair

My ds has a scar on his face. “I fell off my bike” is all that’s needed.

People who don’t know him aren’t going to feel the trauma of what happened so I basic, causal, light explanatory phrase should do it.

Bless you, kids have accidents all the time - don’t beat yourself up. He’ll love it when he’s older.

‘I had an accident when I was a baby but it’s fine now.’ If they keep asking him tell him just to say ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ if they persist he can tell a teacher.

Kids are nosy fuckers they won’t mean anything by it. By the time he’s grown more 4cm will seem like nothing! Where is it on his face?

Harry Potter wasn't around when I was a kid but my first thought when I read your post was to get him to tell others it was his HP scar.

I would have soooo used that for the scar on my face.

Can you speak to the teacher and ask them if they can have a class discussion on how everyone looks a bit different?

My ds had an accident when he was 1 which resulted in damage to his teeth and a scar under his lip. He's 8 now, his adult teeth are fine, his scar has faded a lot. But I still see freak accident potential everywhere I go. I imagine all sorts of ways in which he might damage his teeth. I sympathise with how you feel. It's horrible. I'm glad you're getting help.

DS got so sick of the questions that we asked his teacher if he could talk about it in class. He explained what had happened to him, showed a photo of him when his scar was fresh and his lip was all swollen. A few other kids joined in and talked about their scars.

My friend's teenager is in a wheelchair and when asked says that her parents dropped a wardrobe on her when she was 5. Which is obviously not true.

Different ways of dealing with these things, I guess you just need to have a chat with your ds and see what he wants to do.

Children are inquisitive but you need to remember that doesn’t come from a bad place.

I had a very prominent birthmark as a child on the back of my head and children did ask but only because they are interested. My dad used to say it was where my batteries go!

Ds has multiple disabilities and so wears a Lycra suit in school and is tube fed, we have always found school explaining things in a child friendly way before it becomes an issue is the best way.

Hi OP, my son has a scar on his upper lip, under his nose to his top lip, not so prominent now he's 14, but was when he was younger of course. The kids all used to say 'what's that?'when they met him, it didnt bother him - he used to say 'it's where I fell into the tv stand' which is the truth. But they never said it to be nasty, kids are lovely and blunt and just ask outright. However, I never made a big thing of it. I used to say to him 'that is a gorgeous mark, makes you so unique and special and handsome' . I was upbeat about it. It certainly never bothered me when other kids asked about it. Nor should it bother you. Keep telling him he is gorgeous. There's a wonderful story in Dawn French's autobiography- she said she was always really outgoing and confident because although a large girl as a child, her parents told her how beautiful she was so often, so she just grew up believing she was. That stayed with me when I had my own kids xx

If it helps I was always secretly jealous of the kids with ‘good’ scars when I was at secondary school.

I’m almost 60 now, still only have a few very tiny scars but come-on, who doesn’t want a scar that they can say “yeah, this is from when a shark attacked me” or “pirates made me walk the plank”

My daughter has a big black birthmark on the top of her lip. A few people have asked her about it, Iv taught her to tell people it’s a special mark. It dosent bother her in the slightest. She’s 8. It’s all about teaching your child to accept it and feel confident

OP I feel for you. My DS has one too on the forehead from an accident. Wasn’t my fault but then the end result is the same.

A parent in the playground said “Hello Harry Potter” to him the other day. It was meant with no malice whatsoever but it really bothered me. DS didn’t understand the reference (too young) but I didn’t know what to say, just made a comment about an A&E visit during lockdown.

If anyone says anything like that again I might say he has magic powers. Try and turn it into a positive.

@ThePinkGuitar Just out of interest, what are you using on it? We are using rosehip oil which is supposed to improve the appearance. A bit too early to see any improvement for us.

I knew a chap with a MASSIVE scar up one arm.
Fine selection of stories for it involving sharks, aliens, pirates and the rest

tripping up and putting a hand through a glass door was rather more boring

and yes, the parents felt UNBELIEVABLY guilty about it for years

My son has a port wine stain birthmark on his face ( and his back, chest, arms and legs) I asked him when he was about ten if he’d ever been teased about it at school and he looked at me like I taken leave of my senses. He said sometimes people ask, I tell them it’s my birthmark and that’s it. Even when he had laser treatment on it and he had temporary scars that looked like cigarette burns he just told the truth if anyone asked and his classmates accepted it.
He’s an adult now and still says it caused him no issues at all.
I was always fairly matter of fact about it and was careful to never suggest it was sad or that he may get children making remarks about it.

@ImMoana we use silicon gel on it kelp-cote it’s really good. We’ve also had scar therapy kind of like massaging the scar I don’t know how it works but few sessions smoothed it out - randomly we have a therapist living in our same village and I hear through word of mouth. If your Near East mids can recommend her.

As with PPs, he needs to own it OP so either deadpan simple answer or he should have fun with a new answer every day with a reward for the most imaginative - when I was a pirate, superhero, lion, tiger, bear, saving the world from aliens...

That means you need to try and hide your feelings though I know that will be hard.

Good luck.

If it can make you feel better I have a large burn scar on my leg from when I was on a motorcycle with my dad as a child and we fell, I never ever thought to blame him or even that it was his fault (even though technically it was) - it was an accident, accidents happen, it is not as if he/you did it on purpose.

I just wanted to say I have a scar on my head from splitting it open when I was 2, its my first memory. It was quite big and obvious as a kid but now I barely notice it. When I was asked about it as a kid I'd just tell people what happened and then change the subject. I think the best way is to encourage him to see it as a memory of something he survived, he needs to own it. If he's not bothered by it kids won't be either. He'll pick up a lot from your reaction to it so as hard as I'm sure it is I think you need to give yourself a break and a bit of forgiveness! I'm sure it was very traumatic but what really matter is he's fine now!

Years one of my boys was with his father and had a weird accident. 22 stiches across his forehead.

It was an enormous trauma that I can remember every moment of still.

His gorgeous face marked.
I was devastated.
I had to keep my devastation to myself as my husband was beyond devastated.

Anyway the surgeon who was superb told me that as soon as it was fully healed he wanted me to put some oil/cream on it every single night at bedtime and gently rub it back and forwards on tge scar, massaging it.

This apparently brings blood to the area and really helps to smooth it out and fade.

I did it religiously, every single night for a several years as did his father.

The difference is impressive.
I can honestly say I don't notice it now.

Any oil or cream will work.
It's all about getting the child into the habit of rubbing it themselves eventually but you doing it every single day for no more than 1 minute.

My DH has a massive scar - it’s about 1cm thick, and 10-12cm long, with visible pink puckered skin. It’s not slap bang in his forehead but winds up the side of his head in front of his ear and up above his forehead. It was caused by surgery and his temple is misformed on that side as a result. It actually effects the shape of his eye socket on that side.

You would think it would be really noticeable, but apparently it isn’t - maybe it’s because he’s a man, but hardly anyone ever notices it. And it’s not just that people don’t say, because I can observe that people don’t clock it (and I didn’t spot it til he pointed it out when I met him).

My point is, don’t feel awful that he’s going through his whole life terribly burdened by this scar, because he probably isn’t. Be kind to yourself, but also as a PP said, the best thing you can do now is give him the confidence to not care about it himself.

4 cm? From the way you talk about it, you'd think the scar was some huge, disfiguring mark. Your DS needs to know that this is no big deal at all - scars are a fact of life and few children make it to adulthood without incurring some type of injury. You can slather all the gel in the world over it, it won't do a thing for his self-confidence - that comes from within, not from a tube. Acting as though it is some terrible thing is only going to reinforce the idea in his own mind.