Scar on Ds face - comments from children

[ThePinkGuitar]

How is best to deal with this?
Ds in foundation year.
He has a scar on forehead due to an accident which was my fault due to which I have ptsd. Im very sensitive about the scar. I’ve paid for lots of treatment for my poor boy and it has helped the appearance compared to what it looked like.
My biggest fear was that kids would name call him at school due to the scar for which I am completely responsible.
This morning he told me some of the children have been asking him what’s wrong with his face and why does he have a big scar, he said it makes him feel so sad.
I feel so sorry for him my beautiful boy and people just see his scar.
It’s breaking my heart.
I’m already on anti d and having counselling I can’t cope with this guilt.

My kids have matching forehead scars, because that's how much of an excellent parent I am!

I’ve got scars on the front of my shoulder from being scalded as a baby. I have no recollection of ever being bothered by it or other people asking. I just told them I was scalded. If, and only if, someone asked further I would tell them the full story. I never felt a need to justify it to anyone.
Most of the time I completely forget.

I’ve also got a scar on my forehead from when I was 3 and playing a really stupid game with my siblings. Equally unbothered by it.

I would, gently, suggest that your own response is affecting how your DS feels about it. I don’t recall anyone ever apologising for my scalds; it was accepted as one of those things 🤷‍♀️

I think @fdgdfgdfgdfg is spot on - yes, young kids are interested and maybe tactless, but not necessarily bullying or saying it looks awful, it's just something different they have noticed.

He might want help answering questions, and just telling him to give a matter of fact answer (or else saying it was Lord Voldemort) is a great solution. It does not need to be a big issue to him and it sounds like you might want to be careful not to make it one because of the guilt you feel. Making it a matter-of-fact thing will help his confidence and to see it's nt a big deal, as it really doesn't have to be.

danmthatonestakentryanotheer

I am really sorry that you had such a terrible experience.
But I do think that the world has moved on.
Typically in any school class today you will have kids with all sorts going on. Whether that is a hearing aid, a wheelchair, an asthma pump or a scar. Kids today grow up surrounded by other kids who have their unique quirks, and they are much, much more accepting than we were as kids, 40 years ago.

I think this is also becuase as a society we no longer think it is acceptable to pick on someone who is different.

As I said up thread, my niece has a huge facial birthmark. Kids in her class just accepted that that was her. She is now an adult and has had very few problems from it.

Of course the Ops son can learn to hide it, but I think it would be easier all round to teach him to be relaxed about it.

A child in my family has a big birthmark on her face. At a family occasion I heard my little Grandson ask her what it was. 3yr old replied "I felled over and hurt it!" and my Grandson accepted that and moved on. I think the scar is probably more your problem than your child's, and I think children, having got an answer won't even bother to think much more about it.

I'd go with the "pirates and villains have the coolest scars" line. Kids will ask - that isn't the same as bullying.

I've noticed a lot of boys actually see scars as a badge of honour.

I think a lot of this is going to boil down to his attitude over it...if he can be nonchalant and relaxed about it, other kids will more than likely be the same. If he's self conscious and anxious, they will pick up on that and it will end up being a big deal. It's really important I think that you lead the way on this for him.

Hopefully the kids were curious rather than mean.

Firstly-there is nothing wrong with his face-he happens to have a scar.

I'm sure people do see past the scar!

I would agree with posters above who have suggested prepping your DC with a reply to questions.

I have scars on my hands and, when left to make up my own answers to these kind of questions, got myself into a heap of bother... I got the scars from surgery, but in my four year old mind I told people that ‘a man in a mask had done it while I was asleep!’

I worked with a lad once who had a massive massive scar over his head. It looked a bit as though his skull had cracked and been joined up again with a slight shift. He wore his hair in a buzzcut so it was noticeable, and I asked him how he got it and he said "I was bitten by a shark". Now, the look of the scar made it looked quite plausible so I obviously said "Really???" with my eyes popping and he laughed and said no, he just got the question all the time (that was me told and I took that on board) and loved the look on people's faces when he gave that answer. Apparently he'd climbed up on something as a toddler and taken a head dive onto a stone floor. A bad injury but luckily with no permanent effects but the scar.

I think for now the "I was in an accident but I'm better now" is a good reply for a child. But maybe the story of my colleague can give him a laugh and help him feel he's not alone in having a noticeable scar that people look at and are curious about. My colleague had decided to take a humourous approach to people's curiosity anyway.

Are you receiving counselling for your PTSD? This should be your main priority. You obviously need help to accept that it happened and MOVE ON. Constantly fussing about it won’t help your son at all and could pass your unnecessary anxieties into him. Please don’t let that happen.

Lots of children have accidents and end up with scars. It’s perfectly natural for other children to enquire about them. That’s not bullying, it’s just normal inquisitive behaviour. Use this thread to think of a few great replies to teach your son, so he can explain about the scar and make it into a positive trait.

I got burnt in a fire when I was a toddler but if anyone asks about my scars, I just tell them matter of factly. It’s really no big deal.

Finally, there are children attending school with obvious disabilities who have to deal with a lot more hassle from other kids, other parents and teachers in some cases. A 4cm scar on your son’s face is nothing by comparison, so please try to gain some perspective.

They will ask once and move on. It will likely be an annoyance but no big deal for him.

My DD has vitiligo. She is sick of people asking why her skin is a funny colour but she generally just says "because it is " and gives them a death stare these days. Then they just get used to her and don't ask again.

Other posters are spot on: you can't go back and make the accident not happen, but you can absolutely make a difference to what it means to your son.

A brisk cheerful reply "I had an accident, I had a fall, I fell and hurt it but I'm better now" will both give his friends the answers they asked for and tell him every time he says it that this is part of his history but in the past and nothing to worry about.

I’m having treatment for ptsd but on a waiting list for emdr (which is what should really help by all accounts) 6 months wait though.
It’s difficult to get perspective due to the ptsd in my mind the scar is linked to the trauma of what happened, the trauma of how much worse it could have been and what future trauma may happen- therefore visually it sets me off on a rollercoaster of what ifs. So perspective would be great if only my mind would let me gain some.

When I was in primary a classmate spilled a pan of boiling water into her lap.

Months in hospital. I remember when she came back we were all so excited to see her, and in awe of her scars. I think it was more thinking she was hard as nails as it had obviously been an awful, painful ordeal. I don’t remember any if the kind of feelings I’d expect as an adult, like pity, or even sympathy that this poor kid was scarred for life. 9 year old me just thought it was really cool and once she’d showed us all i don’t think it was ever mentioned again.

Hi OP, please try to be kind to yourself and begin the process of forgiving yourself. It was an accident and by not forgiving yourself you may be causing more damage to your family.

Changing Faces might be able to point you in the direction of specialist help with your feelings.

www.changingfaces.org.uk/

I've only read your comments but they were probably asking innocently. Maybe you could ask the teacher to have a word with them. She could talk about how everyone has differences and it's a good thing.

Sorry you are going through this OP

Ds has a scar right in the middle of his forehead, around 3cm. He got us when he was 4 and is now 11

Kids are very inquisitive, but logical. He gets asked less now but was quite often when younger
He just said "I had an accident but got glued back together and it's fine now"
Kids often think the glue thing is cool - not sure if your ds had stitches or glue but sometimes giving that little detail satisfies the question

Ds knows it's just part of his skin, does not affect him as a person - it always gives a good opportunity to talk about outside vs inside

I hope you get the help you need soon. You did not purposely cause this - accidents do happen and you have a lovely ds that just happens to have a small scar as a teeny tiny part of his life

You need to turn it into a positive as many posters have also suggested.

Things happen, I don’t know the details of how this happened but they do, my little girl got her hand caught in a lift door when she was 18 months old as I wasn’t paying attention as we came out. I was hysterical at the time which is soooo unlike me. She had bruising but was fine, I have that in my head now but I've moved on. My brother was burned in a cafe when he was a little boy by scolding water down his neck...he’s a police officer now and he’s fine. I’m glad you are having counselling but please know that things happen, he will be fine, it’s part of him now and he’ll know no different. He just says whatever he wants to about it, I love the pirate scar comment above!

@PabloHoneyBee

Same op, I had to google him just now to find his scar. It took me a minute to see it, even actively hunting for it!

I couldn’t see it at all! pleased to see he is still with us, had forgotten Lucy Davis is his daughter.

Am slightly unnerved at his resemblance to Vladimir Putin though, career opportunity as a standin missed there Jasper.

It’s difficult to get perspective due to the ptsd in my mind the scar is linked to the trauma of what happened, the trauma of how much worse it could have been and what future trauma may happen- therefore visually it sets me off on a rollercoaster of what ifs. So perspective would be great if only my mind would let me gain some.

I think you may have to accept that the need to help your son feel good about himself takes precedence over whether you have perspective or not. For his sake, you're just going to have to fake it till you make it. And that may actually help you too. We are influenced by our actions and the way we speak.

I know how hard this is but sometimes it just has to be done. My dd, who is disabled and knows she can look forward to a life of chronic incurable pain, also knows a) that she inherited her condition from me b) that if I had been more on the ball some of the worst effects might have been avoided but it's too late now.

But the thing is, I still have to be the person who fills her with confidence and makes her feel this is something she can cope with. That's my job, I'm her mum. Burdening her with my guilt and angst wouldn't make her life easier in any way. It would just make hard things harder and some things hard that maybe didn't need to be hard.

My 7 year old has vitiligo. When asked she just says ‘they’re just my patches. We’re all different’:

One of my children has a facial scar from an operation. It has never bothered him and actually I think quite likes it because it's part of his story and something that makes him unique. He was lucky because he went back to school after his op (he was in Reception) and came home saying that other kids were envious and were saying things like "oh, that's not fair, I wish I had a scar!" So that was great in helping him see it as a positive thing as I'm not sure I knew how to deal with it. I think kids generally take stuff like this in their stride, but don't have the tact not to mention it, so it's likely they will just be curious rather than mean, but, as pps have said, you need to try and make it into something that makes him unique and (I know it's very hard) not to let him feel that it makes you unhappy.

As someone else mentioned, Harry Potter has a scar on his forehead. Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) has a scar on his chin too. Actor Joaquin Phoenix has a scar between his lip and nose. Prince William has a scar on his forehead and Princess Eugenie has a scar on her back due to surgery.

Try to encourage your son to be comfortable with his scar. Lots of people have them. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

The charity Changing Faces has some excellent guidance on how to support kids with a visible difference. They also have a helpline. They can suggest some stock replies that you could practice with your son.

I've got a large scar - not in quite such a prominent place as your son, but visible depending on the clothes I'm wearing, and big enough for rude people to be curious.

My stock response is that I got it while rescuing a small child from the jaws of a lion while on my gap year. The fact that it's very straight, clearly surgical and therefore obviously a bullshit answer does tend to shut people up.