to quit my job for DM?

[ShouldIquitmyjob]

NC as the details might be outing and I don’t want my friends to see what I post here!

I am 54 and I have a husband of 58, 2 teenage sons and an elderly mum who lives 3 hours away and has early stages Alzheimer’s. I work part-time, currently from home, and try to visit DM every few weeks.

I feel like I’m getting more and more pulled in different directions. My work is taking up more hours and I don’t like my boss, although I love my colleagues. The kids have various typical teenage issues to contend with. And poor DM isn’t feeling well and is quite down, I worry about her and would like to visit her more often.

I’m thinking of quitting my job. Problem is, when I mention quitting to DH he says he’d like to quit too, but I don’t think we can afford for us both to. I have a big pension I can access in April, but his isn’t as good. But - sharing worldly goods and all that... I also think I’d feel bad, as I’m younger than him, if he was working and I wasn’t. His parents are long dead though so he doesn’t have the same issues.

The other problem is - am I quitting for the right reasons - is it really for DM or is it because I don’t like my boss or because I fancy a life of leisure (which I do really). Sometimes when I have a run-in with my boss I could quit there and then, other times I don’t hear from her for a few days all is fine.

I know I am so lucky to have the choice, but I don’t know what to do. Please help, good people of Mumsnet.

YABU - keep working and try to fit everything in
YANBU - quit and visit DM every week

Very tough. Any option to go part time?

@FourPlatinumRings OP already said she works part time.

Personally I would not quit unless I have another income source as I would not think it is fair for one person to financially have to support both.

I would love to quit work but it is not fair on my DH to do so, we are both working towards us both going PT eventually

@seayork2020

Personally I would not quit unless I have another income source as I would not think it is fair for one person to financially have to support both.

I would love to quit work but it is not fair on my DH to do so, we are both working towards us both going PT eventually

I better add I know you are working PT OP my point about us working PT was about us not you

How many hours do you work OP? Maybe speak to your manager and be firm and say you are unable to do extra hours due to your mum not being well to your boss.

I’m slightly younger but have been in a similar situation. So your Mum is going to need care. You and your husband need to work out who’s going to do that. You, a sibling, professional carers? What are the costs of that, emotional and financial? How does that work with your costs/pensions etc.
You might think giving up work to look after your mum is a good solution but it will be really difficult emotionally.

if your mum is 3 hours away, and you're currently working part time anyway, will you genuinely be using the time "saved" to look after her?

When my Father was ill, he was a three hour journey away, which effectively made it a full day expedition to visit. We resolved that partially by moving him to a warden assisted retirement flat a lot closer, which worked out well, and he was able to live more or less independently for another five years or so. An hour and a bit drive from me, 15 minutes for my sister; we visited a lot more often and did a lot more practical things when he was closer, but he still had external carers.
By contrast, a friend is about to move her father to an apartment in the same block that he lives in, so that she can check on him daily, drop meals in, etc.

I think you need to weigh up whether you genuinely plan to care for your mum, or you'd really just prefer to be a lady of leisure!
If she stays living three hours away, sounds more like the latter. Not saying don't do it - just have an honest appraisal of what you're doing it for.

@Blossomhill4

How many hours do you work OP? Maybe speak to your manager and be firm and say you are unable to do extra hours due to your mum not being well to your boss.

I work 3 days, which since March I’ve been doing 5 short days but those have got longer. Thing is everyone is working more hours and boss is unsympathetic and just says I need to get the work done. It’s the culture unfortunately.

I thought about asking to work less hours but I suspect the workload won’t really go down so it might be the same hours and less pay!

What about your mum moving to where you live?

@Windyone

I’m slightly younger but have been in a similar situation. So your Mum is going to need care. You and your husband need to work out who’s going to do that. You, a sibling, professional carers? What are the costs of that, emotional and financial? How does that work with your costs/pensions etc. You might think giving up work to look after your mum is a good solution but it will be really difficult emotionally.

DM can afford care but doesn’t want it at the moment. Sibling unfortunately had her own issues and isn’t much help (not her fault), she does bits of shopping but can’t really cope with much more.

It’s more that I want to spend time with DM while she still knows who I am. Plus she’s feeling really lonely with lockdown. She won’t come and live with us or even come to stay any more sadly. It was easier when she did.

@Aquamarine1029

What about your mum moving to where you live?

She doesn’t want to leave DSis, she still feels responsible for her (they don’t live together, but nearby, but DSis has issues)

Have you looked into changing jobs? It might be that you're looking to quit because you don't like your current job.

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

if your mum is 3 hours away, and you're currently working part time anyway, will you genuinely be using the time "saved" to look after her?

When my Father was ill, he was a three hour journey away, which effectively made it a full day expedition to visit. We resolved that partially by moving him to a warden assisted retirement flat a lot closer, which worked out well, and he was able to live more or less independently for another five years or so. An hour and a bit drive from me, 15 minutes for my sister; we visited a lot more often and did a lot more practical things when he was closer, but he still had external carers.
By contrast, a friend is about to move her father to an apartment in the same block that he lives in, so that she can check on him daily, drop meals in, etc.

I think you need to weigh up whether you genuinely plan to care for your mum, or you'd really just prefer to be a lady of leisure!
If she stays living three hours away, sounds more like the latter. Not saying don't do it - just have an honest appraisal of what you're doing it for.

I’d probably go up one day, stay overnight, return the next. I do that quite often now but I’m knackered! I’m too scared to take the train at the moment and driving is tough. And being completely honest, having some free time during the other 3 days is very appealing!

@Skippingabeat

Have you looked into changing jobs? It might be that you're looking to quit because you don't like your current job.

It’s quite hard to get part-time in what I do so I’m lucky in that respect. I like the job itself (but not the boss!)

Thank you all for the replies so far, I’m sorry I keep rebutting them all, I’ve just been around this so many times in my head I’ve lost sight of all reason, hence posting on here for the advice of strangers, which is very helpful.

Quit. You have a good pension and your mum is worth it.
If your DH isn't happy - tell him to pay more into his pension and them maybe he can retire early too.

"It’s more that I want to spend time with DM while she still knows who I am."

OP, this alone is the reason you need to quit your current job.

Perhaps also look into other part time jobs with more reasonable hours (with less pay most likely)?

@notangelinajolie

Quit. You have a good pension and your mum is worth it. If your DH isn't happy - tell him to pay more into his pension and them maybe he can retire early too.

I think she is worth it too. I am normally of the belief that people are more important than money. But practically I do need to think about having enough money for the rest of my life. Although I guess I could always try to work again when DM is no longer with us 😢

@notangelinajolie

Quit. You have a good pension and your mum is worth it. If your DH isn't happy - tell him to pay more into his pension and them maybe he can retire early too.

So will the DH be financially having to support both people why the OP does not work?

And if the OP's DH puts more into his pension would the OP have to work FT to compensate it?

I think get tough at work and learn to put in boundaries - you have a playable hand there

I would do these things:

1. have a meeting with work and say you need to go back to your hours or quit
2. if they won't agree to that, quit, and look for a job that stays within its designated time, so you can see your mum more

You have said clearly what you want to do. Money matters but only to a certain extent.

You may as well put your foot down at work. Go back to part time hours and only do those hours. You've got nothing to lose if you're thinking of quitting. If you work Monday to Wednesday, you have 4 days each week for family stuff.

Would your mum and you Dsis come to stay for a few days every month? To save you being away from your family every week.

Alternatively, can you take a sabbatical and see where you are?

You must have a fantastic pension to allow you to retire at 54! That's another 30-40 years. I'd only do this if I was confident if I could get another job, approaching 60 - which in some sectors can be tricky.

With current medicine etc- you might live til 94, so I’d be thinking whether you have enough money to last the next forty years or not and go from there. It would be awful to have to go back to work in your 60’s after a considerable time off.

Please don’t ‘retire’ because you think you will have an easy life. You will be spending your time on your DM and your teenagers. I too have caring responsibilities and before lockdown would spend my days dashing around trying to fit in art classes, exercise and DM. I think you need to sort out your work situation first of all. If you give up your job you may come to resent the fact that you have become a carer to one and all. Could your mother move nearer to you or into sheltered housing where someone can keep an eye on her?