to quit my job for DM?

[ShouldIquitmyjob]

NC as the details might be outing and I don’t want my friends to see what I post here!

I am 54 and I have a husband of 58, 2 teenage sons and an elderly mum who lives 3 hours away and has early stages Alzheimer’s. I work part-time, currently from home, and try to visit DM every few weeks.

I feel like I’m getting more and more pulled in different directions. My work is taking up more hours and I don’t like my boss, although I love my colleagues. The kids have various typical teenage issues to contend with. And poor DM isn’t feeling well and is quite down, I worry about her and would like to visit her more often.

I’m thinking of quitting my job. Problem is, when I mention quitting to DH he says he’d like to quit too, but I don’t think we can afford for us both to. I have a big pension I can access in April, but his isn’t as good. But - sharing worldly goods and all that... I also think I’d feel bad, as I’m younger than him, if he was working and I wasn’t. His parents are long dead though so he doesn’t have the same issues.

The other problem is - am I quitting for the right reasons - is it really for DM or is it because I don’t like my boss or because I fancy a life of leisure (which I do really). Sometimes when I have a run-in with my boss I could quit there and then, other times I don’t hear from her for a few days all is fine.

I know I am so lucky to have the choice, but I don’t know what to do. Please help, good people of Mumsnet.

YABU - keep working and try to fit everything in
YANBU - quit and visit DM every week

Could you take unpaid sabbatical of a few months to spend quality time with DM while she still has her marbles?

Does taking your pension at 55 rather than 60 or 67 means a big drop from your monthly pension payment? If so, I can understand your OH point. Will you have enough to pay for everything as you currently contribute or will your oh have to make up the difference continuing to work FT?

When will be able to retire?

I wouldn’t quit unless you have the £ not to work again without being unfair to your DH. We are about to have a colossal recession so I wouldn’t bank on being able to get another job in a few years after a career break, especially not a part time one. Does your DH work full time OP? If so I think it is a bit unfair to say you won’t even work part time when he would also like to reduce work.

Practical steps:

1. Perhaps go back to working three normal days instead of five short ones as it may be easier to maintain boundaries. It doesn’t sound like your boss is going to help so think about what you can cut down on / reprioritise / do a less perfect job on without your boss’s say so
2. Get some paid care in place for your mum - if she’s not keen perhaps go for a cleaner / online shopping etc rather than personal care, and have an honest conversation with her about the strain on you - when I am old the last thing I would want is to put stress on my DC, she may not realise where you are at
3. Have an honest conversation with your DH too - if he wants you to carry on working can he help with your mum (eg could he go with you and share the driving? Could he do her online shop?) or do more with your DC / house, similarly the DC - they’re not babies and need to step up
4. Would your sister consider moving? It sounds like if this was possible your mum might move too?

Good luck OP

If there are issues with Dsis are they such that in the future your help might be required for her too? If so is it worth trying to move them both closer to you so you don't end up in the same situation as you are now with your mum being 3 hours away trying to help your Dsis but possibly being considerably older?

What's the current split of finances at home and the split of DC, home & life responsibilities aside from helping DM? If the financial burden is 50/50 and you can maintain that with your pension then it's not really going to change things so other than DH preferring to also retire it makes little difference to him. If you do the lions share of everything else and as a result have always worked less hours contributing less financially but more in what you put into the family then DH needs to understand the household currency of doing the lions share at home = contributing to family finances, just in a different way. If you do/have always split DC/home/life work 50/50 with DH but you contribute less financially then DH has a point.

You say you do a 3 day PT role as 5 short days. Any chance of changing to 3 full days? Firstly it makes it easier to restrict your boss overstepping with demands on your time (simply refuse to access work email on the 2 days you don't work), plus it gives you those 2 days to travel to your mum.

I do worry about DSis in the future and so does DM. I veer from feeling sorry for her to feeling extremely frustrated that she doesn’t help herself. It’s very complex and we’re not that close, I couldn’t take her on too.

My FT equivalent salary is more than DH’s so what we bring in is almost 50/50. I could maintain that with my pension (although possibly not forever) but DH couldn’t with his. I know I’m very lucky from this point of view.

DM doesn’t want to burden me, it’s more that I love her and want what’s best for her. She’s a different person when I visit from the one when I phone her.

@saraclara

Clearly you've never had a parent with Alzheimer's, if you think that doesn't put OP under pressure. And OP wants to give up work so that she can see more of her mother than one every few weeks.

My SIL gave up her job in similar circumstances. As MIL deteriorated, SIL went up every week (similar distance) and stayed for two nights. This enabled her to keep MIL in her own home for longer, and put her on the spot to deal with social services, MIL's doctor, care services etc. She'd clean the house and make sure MIL had food for the rest of the week.

She was great and MIL benefited hugely.

That is very interesting @saraclara, thank you. I think I’m leaning towards what your SIL did. There’s so much that needs doing for DM, every time I visit there’s post to deal with and her bedding to wash, that kind of thing. Did your SIL have a husband and kids at home too? We’ve got exam year, which is extra stress at home.

I think there has been lots of good advice and ideas but think you need to break the issues down to individual ones. For instance your husband wanting to retire early, if he can't afford to, he can't, he needs to figure out ways to resolve that by either putting more into the pension so changing to part time for a while. Then your job, if you don't like it don't use your mum as an excuse to quit, look for another or change the pattern that you work to work for you. Your mum (and sister) the distance is and will be an issue. She says no to every option but then you will end up exhausted because she won't give a little. You need to work out options and get her to pick one. Its fine them saying i don't want to move but they then need to be realistic about having help in the home if they want to stay. She can't expect you to do it all to the detriment of everyone. And she will only deteriorate more and it will just get worse.

The general advice is "put on your own oxygen mask before helping others"

Suggestions

Check you have 35 qualifying years National Insurance contributions to get your full state pension. You can do this online www.gov.uk if you are in UK. You can also check your state pension date & amount due to be paid. Current state pension age is 66, 67, 68 depends on your current age

Can you set up your DM with a cleaner, gardener or other extra help ?

You can go to your DM local pharmacy & get her regular medicines delivered free once sent up, just need to phone to re order

Perhaps discuss with your DSIS & some of your DM neighbors or friends if they are able to assist

You still have yourself, your husband & children to support

@ShouldIquitmyjob, my SIL had husband and 'kids' at home, but kids were early 20s, though they were both needing a bit of TLC for various reasons.

I think her husband used to go up with SIL sometimes, and even when MIL had to go into a care home, they continued doing similar but once a fortnight instead, so that she got visits, they could stay in her house and maintain it (until it was eventually sold) and they could take her out.

They did a sterling job, and fortunately my MIL was just lovely, so it was positive for both parties, and my niece and nephew were totally supportive as they adored their grandma.

Can you move back to 3 long days? So you have 2 clear days a week

Are your children likely to go to university? If so, you will need to factor in a lot more financial support for them

I agree with going back to three long days a week.

Your husband and children could presumably do without you one or two nights a week?

If you can afford to quit. Then quit, if you can’t afford to don’t.

Personally I'd say no, unless it would be easy to get back into the workplace in the future.

My mum quit work at about the same age. She really shouldn't have. She became lonely, and depressed, and there was a huge burden on me to fill the gap work left behind (I was still living with her at the time). I know you've got your DH but even so, I'd not close the door completely.

I've been in a similar position

I live several hours away

Relative wanted me to go & live with them, to provide permanent help

I have NOT given up my FT job & I've kept my freedom & we don't live together

I have traveled every weekend when they have been sick for months at a time to provide support on several occasions

I've supported hospital appointments & discharge etc

Having done this for several years. I would suggest that you need a balance. Being a full time carer takes its toll on time, finances, emotions, physical tiredness, stress, other family & friends

What you are trying to do is help & that is kind & generous. However, you have yourself & others to consider

What can be done to help at your DM's side ?

I don't have a husband or siblings to help, but I have set up some things to help over the years

Of course each person's illness & circumstances are different

Care allowance is approx £65 per week I believe

I'm going to add that you need to take into account for the future

If you want to go on holiday
If you are sick & cannot travel
Covid restrictions

It is easy for people to say "move closer" either your DM or yourself, but sometimes there are reasons or choices not to

Good luck with your decision

Why did you swap from 3 long days to 2 short ones ? I'm also reduced hours but seem to end up working really long hours 4 days a week to get my non paid day off.
Can you apply for parental leave - say it's for teen exams or something- I think you get unpaid up to 16 weeks? Apply for a good block of that to give you a bit of a breather.

Power of attorney

@M1n1MeMadness5

Power of attorney

Yep. Please get her to sign a lasting power of attorney while she still knows what she's doing, if you don't have one already. A financial one will make a vast difference to how easy it will be for you to manage things for her. But do both.

I think I would go back to 3 full days and do as much as you can in those days and find commitments on the other days - don't check email or answer phone to your boss.

Plan your days off carefully so that you are not working.

Thank you all, some great help.

I switched to 5 short days during lockdown so I could be there for the kids some of each day and work while they were doing there schoolwork. It’s worked generally but the days have crept to be longer lately.

Parental leave is a great idea, I’ll look into that.

I do have PoA, and DM lives in a retirement apartment where she does get some help and support, but it means her neighbours are no help as they’re all old too! Same with her friends.

Am also looking into converting our garage...

I’d also like to say how nice everyone has been, thank you. I was a bit scared posting in AIBU!

I'm really glad this thread has given you some ideas @ShouldIquitmyjob .
Working short days was fine when we weren't all wfh, but now it seems to be that as there isn't much reason to leave the house work gets piled on. I'm meant to do 8-4 but over the past few weeks it's been more like 7-7.I've started putting in dog walks in the afternoon so I can actually get a break. Today is my NWD but am about to check emails .

@BubblyBarbara

Could you take unpaid sabbatical of a few months to spend quality time with DM while she still has her marbles?

I was also going to suggest a career break. I regret not doing this when my mother first developed dementia- even though she lived locally to me and I was visiting her every day anyway.