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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to quit my job for DM?

84 replies

ShouldIquitmyjob · 19/11/2020 00:15

NC as the details might be outing and I don’t want my friends to see what I post here!

I am 54 and I have a husband of 58, 2 teenage sons and an elderly mum who lives 3 hours away and has early stages Alzheimer’s. I work part-time, currently from home, and try to visit DM every few weeks.

I feel like I’m getting more and more pulled in different directions. My work is taking up more hours and I don’t like my boss, although I love my colleagues. The kids have various typical teenage issues to contend with. And poor DM isn’t feeling well and is quite down, I worry about her and would like to visit her more often.

I’m thinking of quitting my job. Problem is, when I mention quitting to DH he says he’d like to quit too, but I don’t think we can afford for us both to. I have a big pension I can access in April, but his isn’t as good. But - sharing worldly goods and all that... I also think I’d feel bad, as I’m younger than him, if he was working and I wasn’t. His parents are long dead though so he doesn’t have the same issues.

The other problem is - am I quitting for the right reasons - is it really for DM or is it because I don’t like my boss or because I fancy a life of leisure (which I do really). Sometimes when I have a run-in with my boss I could quit there and then, other times I don’t hear from her for a few days all is fine.

I know I am so lucky to have the choice, but I don’t know what to do. Please help, good people of Mumsnet.

YABU - keep working and try to fit everything in
YANBU - quit and visit DM every week

OP posts:
Di11y · 19/11/2020 07:57

I'd go back to working the 3 days so you've got a couple to visit your mum while you look for a new job, and only do a little over your contracted hours and not bust a gut to get all the work done.

ukgift2016 · 19/11/2020 07:58

3 hour drive is long! Especially if you are doing this every week. I think your get fed up with the commute very quickly. You also got to remember being a carer is a job as well so you may not feel as relaxed in your early retirement as you hoped.

I agree with encouraging your mum to move nearer to you, if your sister is not able to provide a caring role then it's a shame your mum has chose to stay where she is. Maybe worth having a discussion regarding care at home? I think that is more realistic due to the distance.

Nottherealslimshady · 19/11/2020 08:00

I dont think you really are doing it for your mum, you can visit your mum. You would just have leisure time. It's the leisure time you want.

I dont think you can quit so you get more free time and expect your husband to keep working when he wants the same thing.

I also think 54 is far too young to quit work and I doubt you would find another job in a career sector again a few years down the line.

Can you really afford to retire? Your pension will have to support you for at least 25 years, will you actually be able to enjoy that time or will you be penny pinching?

RiojaRose · 19/11/2020 08:03

I wonder if you’re trying to resolve a problem that’s too big for one person. Your mother needs (or will need) care, your sister can’t/won’t do half of it, and your mum can’t/won’t do the thing that would make it easier for you. It seems to me that giving up work will put you in an even more exhausting position. I’d suggest you need all kinds of boundaries - at work and within your family.

I also don’t think that giving up work completely at 54 is a sensible or practical decision unless you have to for your own health.

Is changing jobs an option? A bad boss is soul-destroying so you have all my sympathy about that!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/11/2020 08:05

Working 5 short days is not giving any real benefit to being PT.

Can you work 2x full days together, then that gives you 5 clear days off to focus on dc and dm?

Shuddawuddacudda · 19/11/2020 08:16

Well you don't really have a lot to fill in to be honest. Self sufficient teens, support of a husband, a part-time job and a mother who you visit once every 3 weeks. You're hardly under pressure!

That said, if you want the life of Reilly - knock yourself out. You seem to think that you can afford to quit your job. Your DH doesn't so it will probably cause resentment. Your choice. I can't make it for you.

Shuddawuddacudda · 19/11/2020 08:19

*to fit in, not to fill in

You've a pretty laid back life compared to most tbh

chopc · 19/11/2020 08:22

But you don't really have the choice so you? If you are quitting to take care of your DM that's one thing but if it's for a life of leisure why are you any more entitled to it than your DH?

Kazmerelda · 19/11/2020 08:23

@Windyone

I’m slightly younger but have been in a similar situation. So your Mum is going to need care. You and your husband need to work out who’s going to do that. You, a sibling, professional carers? What are the costs of that, emotional and financial? How does that work with your costs/pensions etc. You might think giving up work to look after your mum is a good solution but it will be really difficult emotionally.
This with bells on. I have a disabled mum, been looking after her most of my life. It's getting harder now but if I quit my job and look after her it's not the right solution for everyone.

Please don't underestimate the emotional and physical toll this will take. And also what happens when you can cope, because in the nicest way that point will come.

Original poster
ShouldIquitmyjob · 19/11/2020 08:24

Thank you again for all the replies. I think it’s the fear of the future that’s making me anxious about all this - I don’t know how bad DM will get and how quickly. Unfortunately she and DSis can’t really come to stay - neither drive, DM couldn’t get the train, and she doesn’t want to leave home anymore. She knows what’s happen to her which is really sad to see.

I know I’m lucky with my pension. I think an honest chat with DH is needed, if I can get him to talk!

OP posts:
saraclara · 19/11/2020 08:29

Clearly you've never had a parent with Alzheimer's, if you think that doesn't put OP under pressure. And OP wants to give up work so that she can see more of her mother than one every few weeks.

My SIL gave up her job in similar circumstances. As MIL deteriorated, SIL went up every week (similar distance) and stayed for two nights. This enabled her to keep MIL in her own home for longer, and put her on the spot to deal with social services, MIL's doctor, care services etc. She'd clean the house and make sure MIL had food for the rest of the week.

She was great and MIL benefited hugely.

saraclara · 19/11/2020 08:31

Sorry, meant to quote @Shuddawuddacudda who I was responding to with my first paragraph

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 19/11/2020 08:31

Sounds like going back to working three full days, rather than five part days would give you the time you need to fit in a regular visit and still have a weekend of family/you time would work better.
And encouraging your mother to move closer if you can.

timeisnotaline · 19/11/2020 08:32

You don’t exactly have the choice all to yourself.
If your dh quit too sounds like you would be sunk. I wouldn’t do it without being confident my money would last 40 years.
Can you ask dh to do a bit more on the house and dc side to support you with your mum? And put stronger work boundaries in place to cut back on some of the extra.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 19/11/2020 08:33

OP you need to take a good look at your finances and see if you can afford to live on your pension for 40 years. If you can support your share of the household with it then crack on. If your DH wants to retire does that mean he is going to care for your mum whilst you still work or sit around doing nothing? And can he afford to cover his share of the household if he retires? These are the choices. Take the guilt and emotion for poor DH out of the equation - not many people don’t want to retire early, for the majority of us it is just tough shit.
Whatever you do, change back to three full days not five short ones - that never works.

Goldenhedgehogs · 19/11/2020 08:34

Is your employer a large or small firm? As larger firms are better at recognising Carers and their rights. Basically, you can be assessed or self identify as a carer and then as a carer put in a request for two compressed days, ie working your normal hours over two long days at work then you have a day free and two days to travel up to your mum. Google some carers charities they will tell you how to do this. Employers are not forced to agree to your request but a lot will. Also thinking financially reducing your family income might help with university fees if you are thinking of your kids going to uni. Not sure though, it is worth checking.

MaskingForIt · 19/11/2020 08:37

So will the DH be financially having to support both people why the OP does not work?

It says in the OP that she can claim her pension from April. She can probably carry on working until then, or use her savings.

And if the OP's DH puts more into his pension would the OP have to work FT to compensate it?

No, she’ll be claiming her pension.

BoyTree · 19/11/2020 08:38

Could you work from your mum's? So tough go there for a couple of days at a time, get to see her and spend more time with her but also put in your work hours while you're there?

Goldenhedgehogs · 19/11/2020 08:38

Also ignore people who are saying you want the life of Reilly, it's really not, I live 4.5 hours away from my parents, I am an only child and over the summer my dad died of lung cancer. Managing caring for him, working, being a mum to three teenagers and being a wife broke me as I felt like I was neglecting all of them. Now my mum is widowed but won't move in with us even though we have the room I am contemplating moving closer to her but then that disrupts my children who are happy in school and my husband's job. You do go round and round in circles.

MoonJelly · 19/11/2020 08:41

If your Mum has Alzheimer's, it's pretty dubious that she'll be able to continue living on her own much longer unless she's in sheltered accommodation. It could be an idea to start looking into care homes closer to you.

MaskingForIt · 19/11/2020 08:41

OP you need to take a good look at your finances and see if you can afford to live on your pension for 40 years.

She’ll get an additional £7,000-ish in state pension too, when she’s 67/68, so can weight her private pension in favour of the early years of retirement.

Starlight39 · 19/11/2020 08:43

Can you swap back to 3 normal (long) days at work? It sounds like you're working 5 days a week and your hours are ending up approaching full time! Maybe if you just do 3 days, even if they end up quite long days, then the 2 days you aren't in will be completely free of work and could spend them visiting your mum either every week or every other week.

averythinline · 19/11/2020 08:48

why dont you go back to your 3 days rather than 5 short if thats what your contract is,....I was 3days then picked up a shortterm extra 2 days and its massive change ... 5 short days means you get no flexibility.. that then leaves you 2 whole days off..

i wouldnt quit unless i absolutely had to as i would hate to be dependent on someone else for money and the level of stress that puts them under (I was a sahm for a while when dc small and it was a constant niggle for me - not dh but me!)
I would be looking at what we could do to improve dh pension/hours for the future ...youve both got a potentially long retirement to fund if you're looking at retiring inyour 50s..

does your mum want you to give up your job to visit her more? having seen friends go through this I would save your time/mental and emotional resources for when crisis strikes- have a look on elderly parents board on here....for support and advice
spending time with her yes but sorting out the practicals in advance eg carers/ power of attorney etc esp if she wont move/has no local support..

we struggling with MIL as she has local network but is starting to get taken advantage of but wont have carers/move/do poa or anything and lives 100s miles awy

DonLewis · 19/11/2020 08:51

I quit my job to look after my mum. I was younger than you and didn't have the pension to fall back on.

My dh took on all of the financial responsibilities in that time. We discussed it and we decided that since we'd been together since we were teenagers, and there had been periods where one of us was retraining or whatever, we'd done this kind of thing before and we'd manage again. Our family took a huge financial hit. It was hard.

My mum died eventually and I'm working again now (although very part time). We haven't recovered financially, but by god, I am happy I had that time with my mum. It wasn't an easy time either. She was incredibly sick.

But, you have to do what's right for your family. That was right for our family. But my point is, I was glad I made the decision I made. Hope you can work it out. Flowers

jessycake · 19/11/2020 08:51

Just to say , your mum is liable to get worse and it's unpredictable the course that might take . I would pretend you already have your pension and live on just that amount and see how you manage till april. From experience caring may be a full time job , mentally if not physically .