To find myself hoping that I will die now?

[AmberAndAlexsMum]

This is going to sound very self-pitying l know. But I am actually sitting here, without thinking about it, suddenly wishing that I could die.

I'm morbidly obese, over 22 stone, heavier than I ever have been. I've got a plethora of related health issues, so feel unwell everyday, with one thing or another. I'm widowed with an adult daughter and teenage son, both Asperger's, both fairly dependent on me. I can't afford to buy myself nice clothing. I have no friends and a family that are not sympathetic, they only want me so they can feel superior. (Don't think they actually realise that). If I try to talk to any of them about my severe depression, they always start telling me about how someone else is in a much more serious situation, blah blah blah.

I've got a crush on an actor that I'm desperately trying to stop be because I know no it's all about me not being attractive to anyone. He wouldn't be even remotely interested in me, and this is just highlighting the fact that I am deeply unattractive and in bottomless depression.
I do realise this is just the depression talking. I've been seeing a counsellor once a week for a few years now and it does help. But every now and then I get myself into this deep pit where I'm not good enough, no one wants me and never will and what's the point?

It actually makes me feel physically sick.

I want to stop, I want to make myself attractive, lose weight, gain a lot more self-worth. Where do I start?

Thank you for reading I appreciate that it does seems very very self-absorbed.

Let’s start with... Have you seen a doctor about your depression? Are you getting help?

Oh you poor love, please don't feel like your life is worth nothing. I suspect that you feel so bad about yourself mainly because of your weight, as you mentioned that first and it probably exacerbates your health problems.

Don't have much to offer in the way of advice, but I really think you should talk to your doctor about a slow and steady weight loss plan, and also your depression. I think that once you start to move in a more positive direction then things will snowball.

Hopefully others will come along and give you more detailed advice, but just wanted to send .

No, when I had counselling, my counsellor told me that people with depression seem self absorbed; when actually they don't have the energy to think about other people.

I don't have any answers for you, but I can imagine how draining life is with two DC with Aspergers, on your own. We struggle with two DC with SEN. Have you spoken to SS?

Are you taking anti-depressants - they take the edge off, until you feel able to make changes?

PS if you need someone to chat to for anything, then send me a private message x

Thank you I have spoken to my doctor frequently about my depression. Was on antidepressants for a long time from 2007 but I came off them two years ago as I wasn't able process the death of my husband properly. I found I couldn't feel properly and the emotions were passing me by.

It's taken me nearly 2 years for the antidepressants to wear off I think. I have noticed that emotions are suddenly coming through and I've talked about it with my counselor.

What is your relationship like with food? Do you comfort eat? I do this and have to be really strict with myself to stop thinking of food as a "treat" and do other things to treat myself instead like doing my nails or a face mask.

Is it possible to consider going back on them, or is that a no-no?

Maybe it's the "rebound" effect of the anti-depressants that's making you feel so low.

Maybe you could see a grief counsellor too? I can't imagine how devastating it must be to lose your husband.

You're addressing the depression, what about the weight next? Is it something you've touched on in your counselling sessions? Maybe see your GP and come up with a realistic diet plan.
Ask your family members if they realise how unhelpful their comments are and request that they look into how to support someone with your diagnosis.

Can you talk to your doctor about different antidepressants that might suit you better? You could also talk to the doc about your weight. Once you’re feeling less overwhelmed generally it will be easier to start to bring your weight down bit by bit.

I really appreciate your help. I most definitely comfort eat, it's a major problem for me because I can eat my way through all the goodies and not actually realise I've done it.

I'm scared of going back on on antidepressants because I hated being so numb all the time.

Every time I decide that I'm going to do something about it, I always come up against what seem to be insurmountable odds, which makes me give up. Cost of change is a definite problem although I did manage to save up enough money to buy a decent exercise bike which is in the garage which I can get to from the kitchen and I have been on it today. So I get some satisfaction from little achievements I just wish I could achieve the bigger stuff.

self worth = small progress toward your goals. Any small progress tbh.
health conditions - related to obesity you said, so if you can make any progress here, you will feel better.
comfort eating- seems like the place to start. Very normal, loads of people do comfort eat their sad feelings (and being widowed, alone and having 2 dependent kids with aspergers - its not surprising you feel shit and turned to food) but there are psychological tools to help with this.
The key point is to start caring for your body, treat it kindly and only put in the small amount of good nutrition it needs. Poor nutrition is just an added stress on a tired body.
Big hugs OP

Everything starts small. Well done on getting on the exercise bike.

You sound really low and maybe the Anti D's are needed again (just for a short time) to get you through this pandemic which is bringing most of us down in some way or another.

Be kind to yourself and take each day as a new start.

I recommend the Weightwatchers program. The app is so so easy, and they do LOADS about mental health on there. It’s transformed my life. Good luck, lovely xxx

if the antids were making you feel numb they weren't the right ones for you, i have bipolar and it took awhile to get the meds right but i can function on a daily basis with then. perhaps your gp can give you a different type/ dose. you certainly shouldn't be feeling like a zombie.

Anti depressants shouldn’t make you feel numb. I am on them and I can still feel happy, sad etc etc. It just means I don’t have extremes like I used to. There are lots of different anti depressants out there and they do different things. I would go and see the GP but say you want to try a different type and explain why. If you don’t like them you don’t have to keep taking them. I have tried several types over the years and the GP’s have generally been really helpful.

OP you don’t sound self-absorbed at all. You sound like you’ve been dealt a rough deal in life and you’re understandably struggling. You sound like the rock that holds your family together and sometimes it just gets a bit much.

You might still be struggling with grief issues from losing your husband - have you seen a bereavement counsellor or listener?

With the weight issues - small steps are the way to go. Don’t set out to lose all the weight in one go, try bits at a time and congratulate yourself on each one. Do you have anywhere near you where you can walk? I find getting fresh air and appreciating nature is very therapeutic.

I’m sorry you feel so bad, and I hope things will look up for you soon. for you

Sorry to hear you're feeling so down, it really sounds like you've been through a lot .

On the weight side, you might find Overeaters Anonymous is helpful, it has really changed my friend's life and it deals with the root causes rather than keeping you trapped in a yoyo of losing/gaining. It's a charity so not expensive to attend meetings and there are loads of resources.

So sorry you're having a hard time, things sound really tough for you OP. Agree with what other posters have said, can you reach out to friends, help someone, take pleasure in other things which have made you feel happy in the past (a hobby, crafting, singing, or whatever)? Must be hard for you with your kids too, but I'm sure they love and value you.

Thank you so much, feeling overwhelmed at the moment

Please try to remember you are worth so much to your children: you've been their calm in a storm all their lives. I know how tough life can be with ASN children, doing it on your own is ridiculously hard.

Keep at it with the small steps- try new meds, keep on with the bike, look after your body.

If you feel like it, come join us on the Lose it thread ( November at the moment). I've recently joined and it's a great bunch of non-judgemental people of all sizes.

Hi OP
You have an awful lot to contend with don't be hard on yourself. I can relate to a lot of what you say and know how overwhelming things can sometimes feel. I think baby steps is the key, make a couple of small changes. Be kind to yourself and PM if you need a chat.

OP you're having a tough time and understandably feeling really low. For a start you are certainly worthy - you've been through something horrible. You are a mother - by the sounds of it you are everything to your children, so you mean something to them. There are people who would miss you if you were not here.

I apologise if this comes across offensive but is the weight issues related to your ill health or do you have health issues because you are over weight? I think that's quite important as if it is the latter it can be a motivator.

oh sorry I misread your OP - you should use the health issues as a major motivator. For your childrens sake and for yours - set yourself small targets. Its the easiest way imo - also be realistic. 1/2 pounds a week doesn't sound like a lot but it is the easiest way to maintain. you will soon notice the difference. Crash diets just don't work. Or they do in the short term but most people put it back on.

You’ve had fantastic advice on here OP.

For me when I was suffering from depression I started an education course as it felt good doing something that was just for me and I knew would improve my future. So have a think about something small you could start doing that will improve your future and self worth.
I would also start by doing a 10 minute walk every day outside in the fresh air which will help clear your head.
You are not going to be able to lose weight if you hate yourself - you need to love your body to want to take care of it. Make a list of everything you like about yourself/life - even just the smallest thing and then one small thing you want to change and then work on that one thing but keep reminding yourself of all the good things too.