To find myself hoping that I will die now?

[AmberAndAlexsMum]

This is going to sound very self-pitying l know. But I am actually sitting here, without thinking about it, suddenly wishing that I could die.

I'm morbidly obese, over 22 stone, heavier than I ever have been. I've got a plethora of related health issues, so feel unwell everyday, with one thing or another. I'm widowed with an adult daughter and teenage son, both Asperger's, both fairly dependent on me. I can't afford to buy myself nice clothing. I have no friends and a family that are not sympathetic, they only want me so they can feel superior. (Don't think they actually realise that). If I try to talk to any of them about my severe depression, they always start telling me about how someone else is in a much more serious situation, blah blah blah.

I've got a crush on an actor that I'm desperately trying to stop be because I know no it's all about me not being attractive to anyone. He wouldn't be even remotely interested in me, and this is just highlighting the fact that I am deeply unattractive and in bottomless depression.
I do realise this is just the depression talking. I've been seeing a counsellor once a week for a few years now and it does help. But every now and then I get myself into this deep pit where I'm not good enough, no one wants me and never will and what's the point?

It actually makes me feel physically sick.

I want to stop, I want to make myself attractive, lose weight, gain a lot more self-worth. Where do I start?

Thank you for reading I appreciate that it does seems very very self-absorbed.

Antidepressants are notoriously tricky to dial in correctly. Most patients need to try a few at different dosages to find one that really works well for them with minimal side effects.

Do have a visit with your GP about trying again with them.

I'm so glad to read that you have a consellor. Is there any help you can get from a Aspergers charity? I think losing weight in the winter is hell btw. It might be better to concentrate to healthy eating instead getting enough veg, protein and if possible going for a walk for 20 mins a day. If you can manager longer that would be great. Hard core weight loss might be easier in spring. I recommend the Michael Moseley Blood Sugar Diet. Oh and I know some people swear that vit D makes them feel better. Not noticed it myself.

Hi Amber and Alex'smum, I just wanted to add to those saying please don't be so hard on yourself as you are already doing so well in a very difficult situation. I wish you could get more help and sympathy fron those closer to you but may be they truly don't understand how to help. So you have to be as kind to youself as possible. Look at all you do for your children, that you have come so far after the loss of your husband, you did not give up and you are taking your doctor's and counsellor's advice and trying as hard as you can to get better. I know what it is like to put on loads of weight and feel it is impossible to move as I got up as high as you at one point. There is loads of good advice here and you are already taking positive steps by using your exercise bike which will help but the one thing I would say after losing about 4 stone in 4 years is be forgiving and patient with yourself as result may be slow but it will happen.

Also may I say try not to criticise yourself as I am sure you know so many others will. It maybe controversial to say but overeating is not the worst thing you could be doing to cope with stress. Also nothing wrong with having a crush on an actor, just use his programmes/films whatever to give yourself light relief and a break. You need a happy place to go to in your own head and it is not harming anyone.
The best thing anyone said to me when I had similar feelings to you is that you can get better from this and you certainly can. Treat yourself like your own loved child who you would forgive any mistake.

What sort of counsellor are you seeing?

Sounds like you are having a very rough time... do not be so hard on yourself... have to tried low carb? There are so many supportive groups on Facebook women who are in your situation very lovely groups the low carb uk by Nicola in particular 😀 there are some great people on there who will very much understand exactly how you feel.
Really helped me last year xx

Well, you managed more than me today, huge respect for your stint on the exercise bike. Little steps grow into big ones, good for you

you've had loads of good advice here, OP, but I just want to send you a hug and - I do hope you find some ways to start to feel better.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Sending an unmumsnetty hug, life sounds really tough for you.

Lots of pp have said more useful things but the one thing that's helped me this year (I've lost about 3 stone and achieved some physical stuff that I never thought I'd be capable of) is that you only have to take one day at a time.

So today has been a success as you've been on your exercise bike and you've reached out for help on Mumsnet. Don't worry about losing all the weight today; just take a day at a time trying to make better food choices and be more active.

I'm a big believer in the power of fresh air too. Could you go for a short walk? Or have you got a garden you can get some fresh air in? Doesn't have to be a lot, but I find 10 mins a day helps me.

My counsellor is not really specific to any one condition. I've been seeing her for three or four years now, and she says she can see a real difference in me. I have come a long way. Started an OU course, made personal changes.

I've had to defer the OU course until next year as I ended up five weeks behind due to being ill constantly for five weeks end Sept/beg Oct. Dratted nuisance, had toothache then double ear infection that was so incredibly painful I ended up on oral morphine and sleeping in a chair because I couldn't lie down. Then immediately as that ended, I had a wisdom tooth pulled which resulted in an infected dry socket, so back on some heavy duty painkillers that only dulled it. Back to sleeping in the bloody chair because I couldn't take the pressure on my face.

That was an absolute nightmare and I've got a major filling on Friday, so that's scaring me :)

Normally, I can go into my happy daydream when everything becomes overwhelming, but for some reason, tonight has just hit me like a ton of bricks and I don't know how to make it better. I must say though, that the kindness and advice on here has helped a lot.

Thank you all.

I have just reread you first post and wanted to add that I think it is a good thing you can use this forum to be honest about your feelings as I have been as low as you and it is so frustrating to not be able to just say how bad you feel and be heard. You are no more 'self-absorbed' than anyone else but you feel bad about it because you are depressed.

It is hard when those around you can't or won't hear you but you do have great inner resources to work with. That is shown by having a 'crush' on someone - in its way that is a creative reaching out beyond yourself so please don't beat yourself up about a small joy.

You have brought up two children despite your loss and health problems that shows such love and dedication. My mum died early so I know what a toll it takes on the surviving parent and how lonely it can be just carrying on for your kids. Sorry of that is too emotional but I do recognise so much in what you wrote and hope you can accept any support you receive.

You deserve it for you just for being you. I am sure you would never be so hard on anyone else but it is harder to give yourself that compassion.

At my worst I know it was hard to accept the smallest pleasure or ease in life it takes enormous practice and patience but you have it for others so you can also give to yourself. One of the best things is to get a good night's sleep (easier said than done I know) and let yourself feel the pleasure in that - like I said small things but they do count so much.

I’m no expert and tell me to sod off if I’m off the mark, but could it be that you are doing something harmful (overeating) as thet is the only thing you get to do just for yourself?

I used to really struggle to motivate myself to exercise even though I really need it (when I don't I get a bad back) and I managed to do it by bribing myself. I allowed myself to watch something only I like while exercising, which I wouldn’ normally have the time for. This turned it from a chore to an escape for me, and meant I soon went up from the half an hour which I ‘had’ to do to an hour.

My back is so much better and it doesn’t feel like a burden at all.

@AmberAndAlexsMum, I have just seen your update and want to apologise if me going on about getting a good night's sleep is too simplistic in light of your dental problems. That's so awful for you , hope your treatment goes well and resolves the issue for you and you can go tobed and sleep normally. Best of luck with that.

Great advice.
One step at a time OP. It all adds up.
One little thing each day you can do to improve yourself and your circumstances - even an extra minute a day on that exercise bike will have you feeling physically and mentally better.

As someone who has just lost a loved one to suicide, I just wanted to come and say - your life matters, YOU matter, please don't ever think you don't. I know this is maybe easy for me to say as I am not in thr grips of depression - grief maybe but not depression. You say your family don't really care - have you told them how severe you are feeling, as in that you want to die? Is your counsellor aware you are in crisis? I would give anything to be able to have my SIL back, sadly I can't do that but if you need someone to talk to, I am here to listen

It’s not self-absorbed to acknowledge that you’re miserable and ask for ideas about how to change. I hate when people diminish suffering by saying that others have it worse. You are entitled to your feelings. I’m reading that your two major issues are weight and loneliness.

For the weight: take a look at intermittent fasting, especially if you are having cravings and comfort eating. I’ve been doing 16-8 fasting for a few months now and my craving have diminished (even though my life is just as stressful). Look up Dr Jason Fung - he talks about lowering insulin levels to reduce body fat. I basically just skip breakfast and eat from 12-8pm most days. Ideally, you’d eat balanced meals and keep added sugar to a minimum, but even if you eat ‘badly’ sometimes, minimising your eating window will help!

For the loneliness: aim to spend quality time with your loved ones and with yourself. When I’m really down or stressed, journaling can help me a lot. Keep taking steps forward to improve and make yourself into someone that people want to have as a friend/partner. Do things that make you feel safe and happy. Take care of yourself the same way you would take care of a loved child.

I came across this on Pinterest recently and it's so true. I don't have any better advice than what everyone else has posted but I hope you get the help that you need.

@JaneJeffer that is so powerful/sad/true

Small steps OP, small steps, but heading in the right direction.

Life is really tough, really tough, it throws a lot of shit at us. Out of the blue.

But what is the one thing you think you could do to take a step in a direction that is positive for you? One thing that would give you some confidence? Is it going for a walk every morning? Doing mindfulness every lunch time? Phoning a friend you've not spoken to for a long time? Quitting chocolate, except for once at the weekend? All these things matter, they will prove to you that you are worthy and capable to move things forward and not feel like this forever.

• you most definitely do not need to die. Really don't do that. If that happens, you certainly don't have the opportunity to realise those dreams you have for yourself

@Soangrywithitall I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My children keep me going. I will be talking to my counselor again on Friday.

I will be looking at all the suggestions posted here. Just living on coffee right now 🙂

[quote AmberAndAlexsMum]@Soangrywithitall I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My children keep me going. I will be talking to my counselor again on Friday.

I will be looking at all the suggestions posted here. Just living on coffee right now 🙂[/quote]
I do wonder if it's time to get a new counsellor. You have been with this one for years and I remember from the basic course I did that it is not recommended to stick with the same counsellor beyond 8-10 sessions.

They get entrenched too and maybe a new perspective would help

Can I also second intermittent fasting? And perhaps look at a low carb diet for a bit - it can have a really positive effect. Pop on over to one of the low carb boot camp threads, look for week 6. We’re a very friendly bunch and some of us are really quite overweight - it’s a very supportive environment in which to lose some weight which might help lift your mood.

It took me ages to find the right anti depressant but it’s been life changing.
Also worth asking about CBT rather than just counselling. I found it so useful.
You may also find your GP can prescribe something to help with the weight. Not pills. More practical support.

And it’s not being self absorbed. You matter.

Well op were here to support you, the happier we can help you become then the better you'll start to feel in yourself then you'll soon find the motivation to loose weight and treat yourself!
If you ever feel like poo or need a pick me up send me a message I'm always here for a hand hold
If you lived close by I'd happily come give you a pampering cheer you up! X

Do you think you might be autistic yourself or have some autistic traits that could affect your quality of life. I ask because often autism is hereditary and also it is often the case that autistic people can have mental health issues alongside their autism. Some physical health problems are also more common. Anyway it's worth thinking about I expect you know a lot about it but maybe it's easy to overlook your own difficulties when you are trying to help your kids.