To find myself hoping that I will die now?

[AmberAndAlexsMum]

This is going to sound very self-pitying l know. But I am actually sitting here, without thinking about it, suddenly wishing that I could die.

I'm morbidly obese, over 22 stone, heavier than I ever have been. I've got a plethora of related health issues, so feel unwell everyday, with one thing or another. I'm widowed with an adult daughter and teenage son, both Asperger's, both fairly dependent on me. I can't afford to buy myself nice clothing. I have no friends and a family that are not sympathetic, they only want me so they can feel superior. (Don't think they actually realise that). If I try to talk to any of them about my severe depression, they always start telling me about how someone else is in a much more serious situation, blah blah blah.

I've got a crush on an actor that I'm desperately trying to stop be because I know no it's all about me not being attractive to anyone. He wouldn't be even remotely interested in me, and this is just highlighting the fact that I am deeply unattractive and in bottomless depression.
I do realise this is just the depression talking. I've been seeing a counsellor once a week for a few years now and it does help. But every now and then I get myself into this deep pit where I'm not good enough, no one wants me and never will and what's the point?

It actually makes me feel physically sick.

I want to stop, I want to make myself attractive, lose weight, gain a lot more self-worth. Where do I start?

Thank you for reading I appreciate that it does seems very very self-absorbed.

I see OA has already got a mention.
12 step fellowships are an absolute life changer.

The other reason I clicked on the thread was just to send you so much love and encouragement.
Things can change.

Oh love.
You know what? You don’t sound either self putting or self absorbed.
But you do sound overwhelmed.

Firstly: well done for parenting and raising your son and daughter. They are lucky to have you.

Secondly: well done for choosing to come off ADs. See how you get on. If you need to talk to your GP at any point and look for an AD that suits you better, then that’s an option open for you if needed.

Thirdly : Go You! Brilliant that you have managed to buy an exercise bike...and use it! And you are doing it! Small moments of achievement are what you use as the foundation for the next moment! I know this because I have lost nearly 2 stone since early summer, just by being pleased with small signs of progress.

Can you move the bike into your front room? I have started doing my exercise regime in front of the TV, easier to keep going!

Exercise will raise your natural endorphins too.

Oh, and it took me only a week to break my constant toast habit, but I joined a very supportive MN weight loss thread to do it. (Under a different name).

Tiny steps. Each one is an achievement in itself.

Ok so you already have psychological/medical help. Now for the rest.

Make a list of all the things that you want to work on.

1. Weight. Perhaps join slimming world, if you can't afford it then there is a plethora of information online to allow you to follow it..

1. Your health issues. Would these be alleviated somewhat with weight loss?

1. Family. Perhaps you need to step back and ration your time with them?

Are there any hobbies you could pursue, things to lift your self esteem a bit? The weight loss will certainly do that, that would be an amazing achievement in itself.

Thank you again, your support has helped me get through the immediate crisis and I'm going to chat to my counselor on Friday. As I have no RL friends, she has become my rock and has adapted over the years to help me.

She and I both think I am autistic myself, that would explain why both children, with different father's, have it. Also why I have trouble making and keeping friends. 🙂

As I'm diabetic, I'm going to look at the low carb diet that several of you have recommended.

Cheers everyone

please get a hold of this book, it could help you with weightloss and your depression. There is a strong link between what we put in our bodies and our mind (the gut-brain link). I wish you all the best, you are dealing with a lot and it is no wonder that you see death as your only way out but it's not. You just need a helping hand to get you going in the right direction. This book has helped me and I think it could help you too. All the best OP [flowers}

wordery.com/gut-and-psychology-syndrome-natasha-campbell-mcbride-9780954852023?currency=GBP&btrck=VFBCS3hMYkdBUjc3QzN0cExBOW5WbTB5eUxqQ3p4QVhzVW9VakVEVU5FZ2VFWTdUVG55NjE3NFFRMzFFOGhYMQ&utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=ShoppingGB&msclkid=786ed81f73a11368d5ff87aae0bf5ed4

You have had so much to deal with, no wonder you need a bit of support.

I would like to recommend Dr Rangan Chatterjee’s work - he is so sensible and compassionate. He has a podcast and books. I’d start with his Four Pillar Plan book. His old BBC series, Doctor in the house, is on YouTube.

You sound like a lovely person OP and you've cared for your children all these years.
I bang on about vitamin D on threads a lot (immune boosting during Covid), but not many people know that it's crucial for mood too. It's actually a hormone, not a vitamin. Doctors who specialise in the menopause, weight gain, insulin resistance and mood stabilisation, have said that it's impossible to lose weight if you are low or deficient in vitamin D. You are bound to be insulin resistant (it's estimated that everyone who yo-yos overweight 3 stone or so for long periods is). That means that calories in-calories out isn't as straight forward. Please read up on this, as when you get over the hill, weightloss become easy. Podcasts on intermittent fasting by Gin Stevens is a good place to start. The book Feast Fast Repeat by Gin Stevens. The Obesity Code by Dr Jason Fung (YouTube videos are more accessible than the book).
Another thing I saw on MN from a wise poster, is the Secondary Gain factor. You might know this, as you are in therapy. It's about what motivates us to cling to an illness or a problem. To delay tackling it. For example, the idea of dating is scary, so subconsciously we stay fat because it puts us off dating. That's simplistic, but the fear of success and fear of failure can keep us in a negative pattern.
Finally, there is a Facebook page, Intermittent Fasting & Optimal Health UK. That's useful and supportive. I also found Biwi's low carb bootcamp on MN to be very good for a short boost and a way to cut junk out of our diet.
Best of luck. I hope that this time next year you are in a very good place and have a happy life - just as you and your DC deserve. 💐

it's a tough tough time at the moment but on top of that you have so much heartache to work through. Were you able up grieve properly with your demands as a mum as well? It sounds like it's time for you to love yourself, like you have for everyone else. Starting with small things like going for a walk in the sunshine, painting your nails, enjoying your favourite film. Imagine you are your best friend. What would you say to her to make her feel better? Be your own best friend. But do see your Gp as a priority. All the best .

Sorry OP, I had missed your post that you are diabetic, so you will already know about insulin resistance. Diet Doctor website is going for low carb recipes.

Gosh that was sad to read. You've been through a lot OP. Having two children with additional needs and becoming widowed would be incredibly tough for anyone.

Would you consider going back on ADs temporarily to get you out of the initial rut so you can start to care for yourself and your needs? I'm sure others will give you some good advice but I just wanted to say you deserve a happy life and I really hope things improve for you soon

Also, when you take Vitamin D, try to take it with K2. A quick Google will explain why.
I take 4,000IU daily in winter. It's a BetterYou spray already combined with K2 that I get from Holland and Barrett when the penny sale is on.
The heavier you are, the higher the maintenance dose required - but please check with your medical advisor.
That NHS dosage recommendation is for children to avoid rickets - the bare minimum. It doesn't touch the sides on an adult.

Another unmumsnetty hug for you OP.

Echoing some of the other comments about medication. I get really resentful about taking it, needing it etc. I didn't take any for years then went on sertraline for a couple of years. I've just gone onto venlafaxine now which apparently works differently, and have gone up to 225mg as apparently not works differently at that dose. I was really hesitant to go on any medication again, but there are ones that act differently to the most commonly prescribed ones if you would like to give them another go.

Someone said to me recently that if someone has asthma you'd never expect them to stop using their inhalers, so why do we always think we shouldn't be on medication for mental illness?

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. You sound absolutely heroic to me.

I don’t know if this will help- but one thing I have found helpful for healthy eating is a free app called The Daily Dozen. It is definitely not a diet- it wants you to eat certain healthy foods and tick them off as you do so. I find if I eat all the healthy foods a) I feel much better and b) I am too full to eat treats. It just keeps me on track a bit (I am prone to comfort eating).

I hope you get through this dark patch and can give your children a hug tomorrow.

If you think you are autistic maybe look into that more. Autistic people benefit most from the right types of therapy and support. Building up your self esteem in a world that isn't really autism friendly is so important.

This reminds me of something a mother of a child with special needs told me. The carer is the one who ends up being treated and medicated because they have not had the help and support for the years of caring on their own. If you could get help and respite for your still dependant children you might have a chance to heal yourself. How about self referring to Social Services to see what's available. Not an easy thing I know , not to imply that it would be straightforward.

Have you ever tried to contact these charities for your food issues?
www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/contact-us
www.oagb.org.uk/
www.foodaddictsanonymous.org/
They are all excellent , the very best of luck OP.

Update: I have spoken to my doctor, who has been very understanding and concerned. He has persuaded me to go back on antidepressants for a while to try and counteract my low mood.

He also gave me some numbers to contact, and I have contacted the Kent and Medway single point of access mental health team, who have taken me on to help with my crisis.

I am still in crisis, because I am still having difficulty justifying my life, with nothing to look forward to. I asked my doctor to have me assessed for autism and he said he would but he wanted to tackle the immediate problem before it became too overwhelming for me.

I've just ordered myself an embroidery kit of a rainbow - I have done a lot of embroidery in the past, and it seems like a good idea to do some more, something nice to think about.

I want to thank each and everyone of you for your messages of support and helpful suggestions, Although I am not out of the woods yet, I can see the sunshine on the other side, so I'm heading that way.

Big to you all :)

Hi OP

I don't think I have anything to add at the moment in terms of advice but just wanted to say well done on reaching out for help and to send best wishes and support x

Wishing you all the best OP. Take care of yourself

Hugs to you XXX please try a 12 step fellowship!!!

Good on you!

I am so, so sorry to hear this. But please remember that you are worthwhile, you just can't see it right now.

I found that walking therapy has been very helpful. After the first lockdown I was the heaviest I've ever been and working out felt too big of a mountain to climb. I started walking every day and listening to Desert Island discs. I did loops of my nearest park so that it I knew I could just go home whenever I wanted to. It didn't melt two stone off over night, but it made me feel better and the weight did slowly start to follow. Once I lost a couple of lb I felt so pleased with myself that it spurred me on to make some dietary changes, and now I'm in the best shape I've been in for a long time, mentally and physically.

Could you try to do two things a day that are kind to yourself - one walk and one other small act, like reading a book, having a long hot shower/ bath, reading an article online, even just fifteen minutes of being judgemental on Mumsnet.

Also can you ask for help from all of the places who are obliged to give it - your SEN coordinator, your GP, etc? Are there any groups online or in person where you could chat to other aspie mums?

You can do this. We're here and we're cheering you on from all over the world.

OP I just saw your update and I am so proud of you for taking all those fantastic steps. You deserve to be jumping up and down with pride right now. You've done more to help yourself in that post than some people are able to in months and months.

@AmberAndAlexsMum great update, and I so hope the sun is shining at the end of that rainbow. We're all here rooting for you.

Many thanks. I dipped again but accept that will happen, and now I'm making myself concentrate on the good stuff.
The filling is done and sorted.
👍