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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He says I was selfish to end the relationship over lockdown

108 replies

NCdecs · 18/11/2020 00:45

A couple of days ago I made the decision to end the 8 month relationship with my partner. We are both in our late 30s/early 40s and he was the first relationship after my divorce last year. As the months went by I started to have doubts about long term compatibility and those feelings became too strong to ignore. From the outset I’d told him about my marriage and that I’d stayed despite not feeling happy and would not make the same mistake again as it’s unfair on both parties.

When I explained that he hadn’t done anything wrong, I just didn’t feel the relationship was right for me long term, he could not accept this as a valid reason. He was repeatedly saying things like “what have I done wrong?” “Why can’t you just love me” which was heartbreaking to hear. He told me he felt that me ending the relationship over lockdown and so close to Christmas was terrible of me as he lives on his own away from friends and family and the only thing keeping him going was seeing me (support bubble). He said that he would now spiral and spend the rest of lockdown very depressed and lonely, on his own and drinking excessive amounts to console himself. He told me that if I cared about him even slightly I would have carried on the relationship until the new year at least, for his sake.

Hearing this has made me feel incredibly guilty and worried for his welfare over the next few weeks. I thought carefully about what to do and concluded that there is never a right time and that it would be best to end things sooner rather than later. AIBU?

OP posts:
BettysSpaghetti · 18/11/2020 00:49

You’ve had a very lucky escape. He is trying to emotionally manipulate you.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 18/11/2020 00:51

Hearing what he said should reinforce you made the right decision. You are not responsible for him or his actions

SunscreenCentral · 18/11/2020 00:52

Congratulations! Your emotional intelligence and instincts were bang on the money and you got out nice and early. Next step : block and delete.

SandyY2K · 18/11/2020 00:52

You're not responsible for him and tbh, his attitudes would confirm you made the right decision.

I really don't like the guilt tripping and trying to make you responsible for his mental health.

This is the kind of man I'd block without a second thought. He sounds unstable.

Limpshade · 18/11/2020 00:57

YANBU. A relationship where you have to be (at best) guilt-tripped and (at worst) threatened to stay is not a healthy one. You're right: there is no good time to call it quits, and actually it doesn't sound as if he is in a good enough place to be in a relationship anyway.

MustardMitt · 18/11/2020 00:57

You did the right thing. Don’t worry for his welfare, he’ll be fine.

DelphineWalsh · 18/11/2020 00:58

What a prick. You owe him nothing.

GammyLeg · 18/11/2020 00:58

You're not responsible for his mental health or well being so ignore the emotional blackmail. It's only been eight months, it sounds like you've had a lucky escape before you got in any deeper.

Staying with someone out of pity... just no.

grapewine · 18/11/2020 00:59

You shouldn't feel guilty after that manipulative bs from him - you ought to be relieved. Dodged bullet. Don't let this man pull you back in.

Pollypudding · 18/11/2020 01:05

YANBU you have acted with honesty and integrity. It is his problem that he cannot accept that. He is not your responsibility.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 18/11/2020 01:09

Hearing such a pathetic and selfish response from him has made my vagina shrivel up in protest.

You absolutely did the right thing - and his response proves it. Do not feel bad - ending a relationship as it's not feeling good is a healthy way to lead your life.

He'll sort himself out, or he won't. That's not your responsibility to worry about. Also eight months isn't even that long, it's not as if you were married for years and felt some sense of obligation. Off he fucks to sit in a corner and feel sorry for himself.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/11/2020 01:12

He said that he would now spiral and spend the rest of lockdown very depressed and lonely, on his own and drinking excessive amounts to console himself.

Aww, boo-fucking-whoooo. What a pathetic, manipulative twat. The last thing you should feel is guilty. You have dodged a massive bullet.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/11/2020 01:17

It takes two people to start a relationship and only one to end it. You don't need his consent or agreement to end the relationship and the fact that he thinks you should means he isn't someone that you want to be with.

Lucky escape.

mayflowerapplepie · 18/11/2020 01:18

Wow. Well he has confirmed you made the right decision. He can form a bubble with someone else for support and if he has no one else in his life maybe he needs to address this. Yes it’s shit but there is rarely a good time to break up with someone! Better to do it now than pretend for another 6 months surely?!

Chocaholic9 · 18/11/2020 01:22

Wow. Good thing you got out of this relationship. He is manipulative. No one should stay in a relationship out of pity.

Rubies12345 · 18/11/2020 01:22

@mayflowerapplepie

Wow. Well he has confirmed you made the right decision. He can form a bubble with someone else for support and if he has no one else in his life maybe he needs to address this. Yes it’s shit but there is rarely a good time to break up with someone! Better to do it now than pretend for another 6 months surely?!
Are you allowed to do that?
HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 18/11/2020 01:27

The best Xmas gift you have given yourself. Getting rid of this loser.

Ignore. Block. Delete.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/11/2020 01:28

Boy, did you dodge a HUGE bullet.

Block him. You don't need his emotional blackmail shit.

He said that he would now spiral and spend the rest of lockdown very depressed and lonely, on his own and drinking excessive amounts to console himself.

If you think he is at all serious (I don't), then send him the phone numbers for AA and Samaritans or a MH helpline and then block him.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 18/11/2020 01:37

@Rubies12345

Technically no, but a permanent change of bubble is a really minor rule break!

@NCdecs. If you didn't have the ice before, I bet you do now!!! What a pile of wank.

My new favourite MN phrase... 'Fuck that shit'

You've made a wise escape!!

MyNameIsAlexDrake · 18/11/2020 01:41

Wow, sounds like a lucky escape there!

There's nothing now to stop him making a support bubble with friends / family, do not let him guilt trip you, you have done nothing wrong and don't owe him a single thing.

StrippedFridge · 18/11/2020 01:43

Bloody hell. He is determined to make you feel responsible for his choices and his emotions isn't he. Manchild tantrums are so unattractive.

Stop worrying about his "welfare". He is not a puppy. He is a grown man whose mental health is none of your business anymore. Shows you how selfish he is that he would expect you to stay unhappy to make him happy. All the nope.

WattleOn · 18/11/2020 01:55

His reaction proves you made the right decision. Congratulations!

Starfish5 · 18/11/2020 02:06

@WattleOn

His reaction proves you made the right decision. Congratulations!
Agreed x 1000!
WhereYouLeftIt · 18/11/2020 02:39

I would definitely have doubts about my long term compatibility with such a manipulative arsewipe!

"He said that he would now spiral and spend the rest of lockdown very depressed and lonely, on his own and drinking excessive amounts to console himself. He told me that if I cared about him even slightly I would have carried on the relationship until the new year at least, for his sake."
I would be so tempted to send him a crate of beer for a Christmas present.

Seriously though - WTF? For his sake? If he cared about you even slightly he would have ended the relationship before your doubts got this strong, removing the burden from your shoulders.

See how easy it is to turn his words around?

You did the right thing. Listen to your doubts, they're spot on.

chickenyhead · 18/11/2020 02:44

Wow what a manipulative, entitled prick. You should be unhappy because I am more important.

Message received loud and clear.

Give him back his guilt, it isn't yours. You don't owe him anything.