Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He says I was selfish to end the relationship over lockdown

108 replies

NCdecs · 18/11/2020 00:45

A couple of days ago I made the decision to end the 8 month relationship with my partner. We are both in our late 30s/early 40s and he was the first relationship after my divorce last year. As the months went by I started to have doubts about long term compatibility and those feelings became too strong to ignore. From the outset I’d told him about my marriage and that I’d stayed despite not feeling happy and would not make the same mistake again as it’s unfair on both parties.

When I explained that he hadn’t done anything wrong, I just didn’t feel the relationship was right for me long term, he could not accept this as a valid reason. He was repeatedly saying things like “what have I done wrong?” “Why can’t you just love me” which was heartbreaking to hear. He told me he felt that me ending the relationship over lockdown and so close to Christmas was terrible of me as he lives on his own away from friends and family and the only thing keeping him going was seeing me (support bubble). He said that he would now spiral and spend the rest of lockdown very depressed and lonely, on his own and drinking excessive amounts to console himself. He told me that if I cared about him even slightly I would have carried on the relationship until the new year at least, for his sake.

Hearing this has made me feel incredibly guilty and worried for his welfare over the next few weeks. I thought carefully about what to do and concluded that there is never a right time and that it would be best to end things sooner rather than later. AIBU?

OP posts:
Pringlemonster · 18/11/2020 08:47

Oh my god
Thank goodness you ended it
Master manipulator you had there

Squiffany · 18/11/2020 08:49

@SandyY2K

You're not responsible for him and tbh, his attitudes would confirm you made the right decision.

I really don't like the guilt tripping and trying to make you responsible for his mental health.

This is the kind of man I'd block without a second thought. He sounds unstable.

This.

You’ve done the right thing OP.

Eviebeans · 18/11/2020 08:49

Unfortunately he was confusing his need for a carer with having a partner.

villamariavintrapp · 18/11/2020 08:57

Jesus what a revolting man! Why can't
you just carry on having sex with him till after Christmas for his sake? Yuck! Good riddance.

NCdecs · 18/11/2020 08:59

Wow, thank you everyone!! I have woken up to all of these messages and it has really made me see things from a different perspective so, thank you!

I also woke up to a text from him telling me that he’d already bought me an amazing Christmas present and what a shame it is that I’ll no longer be able to receive it.

BLOCKED.

OP posts:
ThatsMeChickenArm · 18/11/2020 09:06

If this genuinely makes you feel guilty OP, it might help if you did the Freedom program.

As a PP put it. Anyone that starts a sentence with, 'Why can't you just.....' is not someone with your best interests at heart.

There's a reason why he's single and lives in the middle of nowhere

Awomanwalksintoabar · 18/11/2020 09:10

I also woke up to a text from him telling me that he’d already bought me an amazing Christmas present and what a shame it is that I’ll no longer be able to receive it.
Aw no!! Bet you’re gutted you’ll never get to to see the imaginary Christmas present.

Go you - I really admire you.

PizzaForOne · 18/11/2020 09:17

If this was role reversed and a lady was posting on here about being dumped mid lockdown and close to christmas, losing her support bubble with no family/friends nearby I'm sure there would be so much sympathy expressed. And if she had told her partner this I think there would be very few comments referring to 'emotional manipulation'.

He has said how he feels which based on the facts OP has given, is understandable. OP doesn't have to concede and get back with him. A strong response along the lines of her comments in the post that " I thought carefully about what to do and concluded that there is never a right time and that it would be best to end things sooner rather than later." would suffice.

His baiting with the christmas present is a bit far though. So probably best rid ultimately.

mummybug355 · 18/11/2020 09:21

my first thought was run run run and dont go back that is manipulative and personally i think it borders on emotional abuse.
your happiness matters too

S00LA · 18/11/2020 09:21

@Coyoacan

He said that he would now spiral and spend the rest of lockdown very depressed and lonely, on his own and drinking excessive amounts to console himself.

Not someone seeking personal excellence then.

😬😬😬😬
TheDowagerDuchess · 18/11/2020 09:22

Well if you hadn’t been sure you did the right thing m, you definitely know now! That guilt trip would be enough to make sure you ended it in itself!

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 18/11/2020 10:15

He said that he would now spiral and spend the rest of lockdown very depressed and lonely, on his own and drinking excessive amounts to console himself.

Blimey, emotional blackmail much? And no, I don't think there would be much sympathy for a woman who suggested saying this to a male partner @PizzaForOne.

OlympicProcrastinator · 18/11/2020 10:33

He wants a pity relationship? Ugggh zero respect for himself. How in attractive. You did the right thing.

MzHz · 18/11/2020 10:56

@PizzaForOne

If this was role reversed and a lady was posting on here about being dumped mid lockdown and close to christmas, losing her support bubble with no family/friends nearby I'm sure there would be so much sympathy expressed. And if she had told her partner this I think there would be very few comments referring to 'emotional manipulation'.

He has said how he feels which based on the facts OP has given, is understandable. OP doesn't have to concede and get back with him. A strong response along the lines of her comments in the post that " I thought carefully about what to do and concluded that there is never a right time and that it would be best to end things sooner rather than later." would suffice.

His baiting with the christmas present is a bit far though. So probably best rid ultimately.

Nope, don’t think so, she’d have been handed her arse on a plate.
CannibalQueen · 18/11/2020 10:56

Block, block, block. He's trying to emotionally manipulate and blackmail you. Tell him to call the Samaritans and walk away.

LittleBearPad · 18/11/2020 10:58

I’d say run but happily you already have!

Onwards OP!

AryaStarkWolf · 18/11/2020 10:59

I'm not going to pile in on the guy, he got dumped and he's not taking it well, it has been known to happen to people. OP he would have taken it bad no matter when you did it so don't take what he's saying to heart, he's upset right now, I'm sure he'll get over it. Probably best for you both though to cut contact

cheesecrack · 18/11/2020 11:00

Good for you OP. There's a reason divorce rates shoot up in January - everyone holds on until after Xmas.

I did it too. What a stupid mistake. One bloody day dragged out a relationship months after it was over.

gamerchick · 18/11/2020 11:00

@PizzaForOne

If this was role reversed and a lady was posting on here about being dumped mid lockdown and close to christmas, losing her support bubble with no family/friends nearby I'm sure there would be so much sympathy expressed. And if she had told her partner this I think there would be very few comments referring to 'emotional manipulation'.

He has said how he feels which based on the facts OP has given, is understandable. OP doesn't have to concede and get back with him. A strong response along the lines of her comments in the post that " I thought carefully about what to do and concluded that there is never a right time and that it would be best to end things sooner rather than later." would suffice.

His baiting with the christmas present is a bit far though. So probably best rid ultimately.

I really doubt that. There would have been plenty of comments about emotional blackmail and support suggestions on what this sex reversed lady could do to help herself.

He told me he felt that me ending the relationship over lockdown and so close to Christmas was terrible of me as he lives on his own away from friends and family and the only thing keeping him going was seeing me (support bubble). He said that he would now spiral and spend the rest of lockdown very depressed and lonely, on his own and drinking excessive amounts to console himself. He told me that if I cared about him even slightly I would have carried on the relationship until the new year at least, for his sake

None of that is your responsibility, I'm glad you've blocked him.

MuckyPlucky · 18/11/2020 11:09

OP- I literally could’ve written your post this exact time last year! Word-for-word! I too ended a r’ship (1 year duration) for the same reasons and because I’d always been open about the fact I didn’t want to repeat the mistake I made in the past by staying in my previous marriage for the wrong reasons. When I ended my 1-yr relationship he used the EXACT same emotional tactics/words/terms/manipulation as yours is doing! Word-for-word!
His guilt-tripping went on for THREE MONTHS, veering between begging, pleading, anger, resentment, etc (despite me eventually blocking him and asking him to desist). At first I felt terribly guilty (not least because of a previous traumatic episode with someone that I feel I ‘caused’) and he used this guilt to his advantage. Eventually I got so angry at his manipulation I threatened police. Since then, nothing. Well, apart from a creepy box left on my doorstep when I was away on hol 8 months after the break-up, containing all the letters/cards/gifts I’d ever given him.

I’m starting to wonder if we were dating the same guy? If his last name begins with ‘W’ you must DM me!

D4rwin · 18/11/2020 11:18

He has time to now isolate and or form a new bubble before Christmas. He needs to put his grown up pants on. You can both move forward into the new year with a new direction. He's being ridiculous. How he reacts is on him, not your problem.

daisychain01 · 18/11/2020 12:50

@NCdecs

Wow, thank you everyone!! I have woken up to all of these messages and it has really made me see things from a different perspective so, thank you!

I also woke up to a text from him telling me that he’d already bought me an amazing Christmas present and what a shame it is that I’ll no longer be able to receive it.

BLOCKED.

A complete over-reaction on his part after only being together 8 months.

You have agency, you don't need to ask his or anyone else's permission to remove yourself from a relationship that isn't working for you.

As for the petty stunt about the Christmas present, the response could have been "thanks but I'm not a 5 year old, I couldn't care less about Christmas presents, all the best". But Blocking is probably a better response, because you don't need to waste a second more of your life on a simpering idiot.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/11/2020 16:55

''I also woke up to a text from him telling me that he’d already bought me an amazing Christmas present and what a shame it is that I’ll no longer be able to receive it.''

Does he have any mode of behaviour apart from 'manipulative'? And this particular missive is so feckin' childish! Glad you've blocked him.

goldielockdown2 · 18/11/2020 17:11

Ick ick ick. I would find his reaction so annoying and very needy. I'd be angry if someone tried to manipulate me like that.

Neversleepingever · 18/11/2020 17:49

Another entitled man who thinks women only exist to serve them.

^This.