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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He says I was selfish to end the relationship over lockdown

108 replies

NCdecs · 18/11/2020 00:45

A couple of days ago I made the decision to end the 8 month relationship with my partner. We are both in our late 30s/early 40s and he was the first relationship after my divorce last year. As the months went by I started to have doubts about long term compatibility and those feelings became too strong to ignore. From the outset I’d told him about my marriage and that I’d stayed despite not feeling happy and would not make the same mistake again as it’s unfair on both parties.

When I explained that he hadn’t done anything wrong, I just didn’t feel the relationship was right for me long term, he could not accept this as a valid reason. He was repeatedly saying things like “what have I done wrong?” “Why can’t you just love me” which was heartbreaking to hear. He told me he felt that me ending the relationship over lockdown and so close to Christmas was terrible of me as he lives on his own away from friends and family and the only thing keeping him going was seeing me (support bubble). He said that he would now spiral and spend the rest of lockdown very depressed and lonely, on his own and drinking excessive amounts to console himself. He told me that if I cared about him even slightly I would have carried on the relationship until the new year at least, for his sake.

Hearing this has made me feel incredibly guilty and worried for his welfare over the next few weeks. I thought carefully about what to do and concluded that there is never a right time and that it would be best to end things sooner rather than later. AIBU?

OP posts:
PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 18/11/2020 02:45

Finger twiddle wave "I am not the emotional crutch you are looking for"

RantyAnty · 18/11/2020 02:51

What a guilt tripping manipulative arse.

He is free to talk to people online and make new friends.

You did the right thing in ending it.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 18/11/2020 03:03

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS

Finger twiddle wave "I am not the emotional crutch you are looking for"
Halloween GrinHalloween GrinHalloween Grin
Coyoacan · 18/11/2020 03:27

He said that he would now spiral and spend the rest of lockdown very depressed and lonely, on his own and drinking excessive amounts to console himself.

Not someone seeking personal excellence then.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/11/2020 03:38

His response was creepy and tells you all you need to know about this man. Lucky escape.

Needsakickupthearse · 18/11/2020 04:33

Block him.

At least now you have clear confirmation that you did the right thing by ending it.

ChikiTIKI · 18/11/2020 04:33

So almost your whole relationship (bar a few weeks) has been in lockdown, and we have no idea how long this will go on for...

Of course you did the right thing, and his reaction (I. E. Attempt at manipulation) confirms it.

groovergirl · 18/11/2020 04:45

I feel sorry for him, which tells me you did the right thing.
As PPs have suggested, give him the helpline numbers.
Then head out and enjoy your freedom and your Christmas.

Suzi888 · 18/11/2020 04:48

I feel sorry for him but you did the right thing if you were having doubts. Pointless stringing him along.

ReneeRol · 18/11/2020 04:48

What a manipulative man, don't let him guilt trip you, block him.

Mintjulia · 18/11/2020 04:49

He's being ridiculous and manipulative.

He's an adult and responsible for his own well-being. He's trying to emotionally blackmail you into continuing something that isn't right for you, because it suits him. The very definition of selfish. Well done for sticking to your decision.

chickenyhead · 18/11/2020 04:50

I don't feel sorry for the entitled prick at all.

mathanxiety · 18/11/2020 04:50

Hopefully his nauseating attempt to manipulate you into staying has shown you that you made the right call.

Well done for listening to your gut.

Block him.

KittenCalledBob · 18/11/2020 04:58

If you'd broken up with him on Christmas Eve then he might have a point. As it is, you've definitely done the right thing OP.

GreenlandTheMovie · 18/11/2020 05:01

It's only November, it's OK to end a relationship thus far before Christmas. I mean it's OK to end a relationship any time, but if you don't want to do it before Christmas, it's far enough out!

Anniegetyourgun · 18/11/2020 05:44

He doesn't need a girlfriend, he needs a therapist. How much is he paying you for the mental support service? No need to answer...!

Seriously, ditch the guilt. You already said you wouldn't make that mistake again, and yet here you are all guilty because you feel you ought to be making that same mistake again. Eh what? I'm sure any decent human being would feel sorry for another who is clearly not coping amazingly well on their own, but that does not oblige you to stay in a relationship with them. "Why can't you just love me?" I mean, wtf? Love isn't a tap you can turn on and off at will. It's also not up to him to decide whether your reasons are good enough. The only reason you need to break up with somebody (with whom you have no children and no joint commitments) is that you don't want to stay with them and the only thing you owe them in the method of it is common politeness.

If it turns out that the ditched one is one of my offspring I shall feel very sorry for him, of course, but also kick his arse (in a loving way).

Wiredforsound · 18/11/2020 06:00

You have absolutely the right to finish with someone whenever you want for whatever reason you want. It is his choice to drink and whine and try to manipulate you, and is absolutely nothing to do with you. It confirms that you made the right decision. Don’t be manipulated into being his friend/support bubble. Say goodbye and block on everything.

Shoxfordian · 18/11/2020 06:14

Don't feel guilty, you made the right decision. He sounds manipulative, was he like this in the relationship? The freedom programme might help you avoid similar wronguns in future

justanotherneighinparadise · 18/11/2020 06:19

Yeah, nah. He’s not for you, you’re too strong to be wasting your time with this one. Let him find someone more suited to his emotional manipulation and that will leave you free to find some else who is healthy in mind and body.

LondonlovesLola · 18/11/2020 06:25

He said that he would now spiral and spend the rest of lockdown very depressed and lonely, on his own and drinking excessive amounts to console himself. He told me that if I cared about him even slightly I would have carried on the relationship until the new year at least, for his sake.

I hate this kind of emotional blackmail/ manipulation. You’re not his carer.
Lucky escape. Cut contact, don’t answer anymore messages and move on.

TheVanguardSix · 18/11/2020 06:26

Oh heavens, it's all about him, isn't it? Confused
He made it all the way to his early 40s, standing on his own two feet his entire adulthood, without you being his emotional crutch, OP. He will be fine! Do not take the 'guilt' bait. Block! Seriously. Your gut was right and ending this relationship was an excellent decision. As for ending it before Christmas/during lockdown/yada yada yada, there's no time like the christmas present. Grin
Seriously, don't give into the guilt, whatever you do. Stay strong. You've done the right thing.

DailyCandy · 18/11/2020 06:27

One of the best pieces of very simple advice I received from a shrink goes as follows: "people get angry with you when you don't behave the way they want you to behave".
I'll hazard a guess that a lot of this is possibly about sex. It would have suited him very well to have easy access to sex over lockdown... and you took that away... Fuck him.

CatteStreet · 18/11/2020 06:29

'Why can't you just [insert 'feel/show an emotion that suits what the person making this statement wants from you]' is absolute narcissist territory - it suggests bewilderment when other people express wishes and needs of their own and won't act as instruments to service his demands. Also a fair bit of male entitlement to emotional servicing from a woman coming out here. You're best off out of it.

LondonlovesLola · 18/11/2020 06:39

"people get angry with you when you don't behave the way they want you to behave".

That works both ways.

The OP should feel angry at this man for behaving like a whiney child. It’s not how the OP wants her partner to behave.

He is angry because he isn’t getting what he wants and is failing to manipulate her with his pathetic sob story.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 18/11/2020 06:42

His reaction should tell you that you've done the right thing!