He says I was selfish to end the relationship over lockdown

[NCdecs]

A couple of days ago I made the decision to end the 8 month relationship with my partner. We are both in our late 30s/early 40s and he was the first relationship after my divorce last year. As the months went by I started to have doubts about long term compatibility and those feelings became too strong to ignore. From the outset I’d told him about my marriage and that I’d stayed despite not feeling happy and would not make the same mistake again as it’s unfair on both parties.

When I explained that he hadn’t done anything wrong, I just didn’t feel the relationship was right for me long term, he could not accept this as a valid reason. He was repeatedly saying things like “what have I done wrong?” “Why can’t you just love me” which was heartbreaking to hear. He told me he felt that me ending the relationship over lockdown and so close to Christmas was terrible of me as he lives on his own away from friends and family and the only thing keeping him going was seeing me (support bubble). He said that he would now spiral and spend the rest of lockdown very depressed and lonely, on his own and drinking excessive amounts to console himself. He told me that if I cared about him even slightly I would have carried on the relationship until the new year at least, for his sake.

Hearing this has made me feel incredibly guilty and worried for his welfare over the next few weeks. I thought carefully about what to do and concluded that there is never a right time and that it would be best to end things sooner rather than later. AIBU?

No you’re fine...you did good, ending your relationship when you came to understand it had no future. His suggestion that you hang on in there to spare him from a downward spiral into sadness and excessive drinking is preposterous. He will most likely come to see that himself after a time. It’s a silly and desperate thing to say.

Blackmail is horrible, or even attempted blackmail. Sore losers such as Donald Trump are not nice either.

You have done the right thing, possibly found out in time about the real person he is.

Your instincts were spot on, don’t feel guilty for keeping your promise to yourself. His me, me, me pity party says a lot about him and that emotionally he has a lot of growing up to do.

Block and don’t be manipulated into maintaining any kind of contact.

Run don’t walk ! And block him.
He is not your responsibility now.

All respect would fly out of the window after listening to that whiny, manipulative drivel.

The time is right for you to end this. That's the only thing that needs to be considered - what is right for you.

You absolutely did the right thing. I've been with one of these, and it is not healthy. I blocked on everything, because I tried to go back to being friends, but it was weird. Every time I went out with someone else or did anything, he'd message about it like I had to explain myself and answer to him. Just. No.

Go with your gut instinct. This man-child is a manipulative moron. You have done yourself a huge favour. 👍❤️

You don't owe him anything, especially not since he's tried to emotionally blackmail you into staying with him! MASSIVE red flag.

Get away from him and stay away from him - it's NOT your responsibility to make sure that HE is happy!

Yabu for feeling guilty

If you'd carried on to new year you'd be called heartless for chucking him straight after Christmas, or so close to valentine's. He's got time to plan to see family still, he's a grown up and will cope, or not 🤷‍♀️ but either way it isn't your problem now!!

I hope @NCdecs that you wake up and see how everyone says you’re absolutely right to end this relationship and I hope you get enormous comfort from it.

Well done you! You dodged a massive bullet!

That’s some serious emotional blackmail right there, you’ve had a lucky escape. Well, that and your intuition. In your shoes I’d block him on everything now.

@SandyY2K

You're not responsible for him and tbh, his attitudes would confirm you made the right decision.

I really don't like the guilt tripping and trying to make you responsible for his mental health.

This is the kind of man I'd block without a second thought. He sounds unstable.

Absolutely!

He is upset - that's fair enough.

However it is not appropriate to try to guilt/blackmail you into continuing in a relationship you aren't comfortable with.

If you had relented he would have become even more dependent, and you would have become even more unhappy, and it would have become harder and harder to extricate yourself. He sounds like he could have become very controlling and manipulative. You have done exactly the right thing.

You clearly made the right decision.

I've frequently in the past carried things in longer because it's 'almost Xmas / his birthday / the holidays booked' etc. Always a terrible idea as it just makes the 'sunk costs' worse. Plus, as all others have said, he's a manipulative twat.

If he's started with this type of manipulation, then be prepared for suicide threats too. It's when you say no to some people that you get to see what they're really like.

While it is reasonable for him to be upset, the emotional blackmail is extreme. You will not be responsible for him spiralling into depression and you certainly won’t be responsible for him choosingto drink heavily! It is probably the best time to have ended it. We have no idea how much longer lockdown will continue and it only mid November so nowhere near Christmas. He can still meet friends outside or form a new support bubble. If you’d continued till after Christmas it would be to cold to meet people outside, then it would be around Valentine’s Day and so on.

Hopefully some of these things were said in the heat of the moment, a knee jerk reaction to the splitting up news.

However, if the relationship wasn’t right, then you did the right thing. His emotional well-being is not your responsibility, and if he decides to drink, that’s solely his decesion. Had you carried on over Christmas, then no doubt he would have said something similar in January.

Wow, he really doesn't see you as an actual person with your own feelings and choices, does he?

You're just a facility for providing services to him.

Another entitled man who thinks women only exist to serve them.

I would be thinking he has used all this on at least one previous occasion if he came out with that little lot.

He is an adult and should be able to govern his own emotions. Unless you are a qualified and registered mental health nurse and you are his patient then he has no right to abdicate his emtional health on to you.

Head for the hills. He is all about him.

You are quite right to make a clean break now. It would be much more selfish to hang on for a quiet life when deep down you know there is no future in this.

The above would be true even if he was a nice, reasonable man you just didn’t have chemistry with. The fact that he has tried to manipulate you in this way shows you have had a very lucky escape!

It’s very impressive that you not only realised this relationship was wrong but that you also acted on your instincts. IMO you should be feeling very proud of yourself right now.

And incidentally - ‘so near Christmas’ my arse! It’s still 6 weeks away! Plenty of time for him to find another girlfriend!

You don’t owe anyone a relationship or companionship. The ‘why can’t you just love me’ question makes me feel a bit repulsed tbh.

You made the right decision, good on you. Ignore his emotional blackmail, he'll wallow but be fine.