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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Raging (but quietly)

113 replies

WakingUp55643 · 17/11/2020 12:54

I'm a quiet person. When I get angry about something I just try and keep it to myself to keep the peace in the house. There are many many things I could give as an example, but this is from last night.
Dh spilled half a bottle of vegetable oil on the kitchen floor (not because he was cooking, to be clear. That doesn't happen.) and immediately called for me. Why tf he couldn't just deal with it I don't know. So I went in, started mopping it up with kitchen roll, he got some newspaper, made a half hearted attempt to clear more of it, then I asked him to go to the garden and get the bucket so I could wash the floor properly. He brought the bucket in and I got all the cleaning stuff out, scrubbing brush etc, and he said, "right, I'm just going to the co-op, do you want anything?" and left me on the floor scrubbing away. When he got back and I was clearing up the bristles that had come out of the brush, also having sorted out the mad broken cupboard full of carrier bags, he said, "oh, well done." All of this made me miss University Challenge (my only telly of the bloody week!) but he had helpfully put it on pause............ AIBU to be raging??
To add to this, he sat down (after I'd caught up with UC) and put on Kate Bush - This Woman's Work on youtube on the telly (did he not see the irony?) and continued with his music while I got the kids ready for bed. Then I ended up kicking over my glass of lemonade, cleaned that up, while he sat there joking on with our youngest, oblivious to me having to run upstairs to the bathroom for a cry. I felt like my head was going to burst. Anyway, that's it. I may have made it sound a bit drama queen-y, but this is just one evening....... Would you be angry?

OP posts:
IHaveAGreyLamp · 17/11/2020 12:58

OP you are a classic enabler. Your DH was not going to clean up his mess because he knew you were going to do it, probably from years of prior experience. Am I right? Next time your feckless husband makes a mess, I would calmly point to the cleaning cupboard and explain everything he needs is in there, and then walk off to watch UC!

Caeruleanblue · 17/11/2020 12:58

I dont' trust others to clean up anything oily or sticky so end up always doing it. But why isn't he putting DCs to bed while you catch up on UC, and why did he need to shop, for the household?

SillyLittleBiscuit · 17/11/2020 12:59

I wouldn’t have cleaned it up

Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2020 13:01

The only person you should be angry with is yourself. You have a voice, use it.

You willingly took over cleaning his mess without a word. Why?

Stop being a martyr.

PeggyPorschen · 17/11/2020 13:02

YABU to be a martyr

YANBU to be raging, but stop doing it in silence! It's his mess, he cleans, he's not a child!

OopsUpsideYerHead · 17/11/2020 13:02

As a PP said you are enabling him. You need to firmly tell him this needs to stop and if he makes a mess he clears it up plus he needs to be doing an equal amount of housework.

peachypetite · 17/11/2020 13:03

Why did you start cleaning it?

Shoxfordian · 17/11/2020 13:04

You didn't need to clear it up, you should use your words when you're angry and say how you feel

Oilyoilyoilgob · 17/11/2020 13:04

I’m sorry to point out the obvious, but why did you clean it? Do you normally do everything?
No judgement because I’m a natural helper and doer, I find it very very easy to act like you did!

But really you should’ve maybe helped with the kitchen roll and left him to clear up the rest.

Also bedtime, do it together? Do you tell him that you need to work together on jobs/house/kids?

Not having a dig but if you’re a helper/doer and he’s dithery/likes to sit on his arse then nothing will change unless you speak to him!

To be fair he didn’t do anything wrong with your youngest, if I spill a drink I clean up after myself.
Maybe time to have a sit down and chat about bedtimes for the kids and him not slinking off to coop while you clean up his mess!

Chamberlai · 17/11/2020 13:04

When I get angry about something I just try and keep it to myself to keep the peace in the house.

Big mistake. Who taught you to do that?

Imapotato · 17/11/2020 13:05

I’d have made the clumsy oaf pick it up himself. She sounds like a selfish man (many are like this) but instead of pulling him up on it, you are enabling him to continue being this way.

You need to stop running around after him.

reginaphalangeeee · 17/11/2020 13:06

Why tf he couldn't just deal with it I don't know

You should have asked him that instead of cleaning it up for him!!

Imapotato · 17/11/2020 13:06

Clear it up. Sorry. No idea why I wrote pick!

Imapotato · 17/11/2020 13:06

Also he. I have sausage fingers!

WhySoSensitive · 17/11/2020 13:10

You started cleaning it though and you asked him to get you the bucket etc.
Surely you should have said ‘the buckets outside I’ll grab you it’ ... and left him to it?

WattleOn · 17/11/2020 13:12

I’ll be honest (and possibly shamed)but if I were your DH, I would have done the same thing at one stage. I would have thought something along the lines of:

‘Oh, look she is helping, actually, she knows what she is doing, she doesn’t mind, actually, she is doing it better than me, I’ll stay out of her way’.

But my DH has (slowly) learned to let me deal with things once I have started (otherwise he would be trailing behind me completing a never ending series of half finished jobs).

Also, I now make a point of teaching kids (and DH on a few occasions) to do things for themselves. I’m happy to make suggestions for the best way to clean up a broken glass or stained shirt. With the kids, I’ll even supervise. But they have to do the work themselves (and so do I).

user15368536798589 · 17/11/2020 13:14

You should be angry with yourself. Why on earth are you not communicating?

kazzer2867 · 17/11/2020 13:14

I voted YABU simply because you did it and are now complaining. How about saying no next time.

MustardMitt · 17/11/2020 13:15

So you take over all the cleaning because your husband calls you to, and don’t even verbalise that you’re upset that he’s such a manchild?

You need to start being more assertive. This is your husband, not some random on the street.

Porridgeoat · 17/11/2020 13:17

I think you’ve enabled this. Next time say ‘oh no, what are you going to do’ and slope off leaving him to it

AryaStarkWolf · 17/11/2020 13:17

Yeah sorry OP but it's your own fault for doing it, when he called you, you should have told him to clean his own mess up

Disappointedkoala · 17/11/2020 13:18

I wouldn't have been angry because I wouldn't have been the one cleaning it up.

diddl · 17/11/2020 13:20

How could he deal with it when you gave him no chance?

Porridgeoat · 17/11/2020 13:20

If you’d rather tackle things together, just stop when ever he stops and say ‘ok, I’ll have a break too, we can restart the cleaning together when you’re back’

Then when he’s back tell him ‘oh the oil still needs cleaning up, give me a shout when you’re ready to start and I’ll come and help you’

Oilyoilyoilgob · 17/11/2020 13:21

@WattleOn no shaming from me! There’s been times I’ve accepted ‘help’ under the guise of me being lazy 😂
One, I rarely do it so I think I get away with it 😉 and two, if I did take the mickey I’d expect to be told.

I’m a natural helper so I will happily take over jobs I shouldn’t and I’m learning to step back from this. Especially with my husband leaving crap around!
I now point things out to him and remind him a magic fairy doesn’t normally pick it up, that I do.

Really here OP you really need to have a calm chat. If you needed a hand with bedtime or wanted him to do it speak about sharing it out over the week.