Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Raging (but quietly)

113 replies

WakingUp55643 · 17/11/2020 12:54

I'm a quiet person. When I get angry about something I just try and keep it to myself to keep the peace in the house. There are many many things I could give as an example, but this is from last night.
Dh spilled half a bottle of vegetable oil on the kitchen floor (not because he was cooking, to be clear. That doesn't happen.) and immediately called for me. Why tf he couldn't just deal with it I don't know. So I went in, started mopping it up with kitchen roll, he got some newspaper, made a half hearted attempt to clear more of it, then I asked him to go to the garden and get the bucket so I could wash the floor properly. He brought the bucket in and I got all the cleaning stuff out, scrubbing brush etc, and he said, "right, I'm just going to the co-op, do you want anything?" and left me on the floor scrubbing away. When he got back and I was clearing up the bristles that had come out of the brush, also having sorted out the mad broken cupboard full of carrier bags, he said, "oh, well done." All of this made me miss University Challenge (my only telly of the bloody week!) but he had helpfully put it on pause............ AIBU to be raging??
To add to this, he sat down (after I'd caught up with UC) and put on Kate Bush - This Woman's Work on youtube on the telly (did he not see the irony?) and continued with his music while I got the kids ready for bed. Then I ended up kicking over my glass of lemonade, cleaned that up, while he sat there joking on with our youngest, oblivious to me having to run upstairs to the bathroom for a cry. I felt like my head was going to burst. Anyway, that's it. I may have made it sound a bit drama queen-y, but this is just one evening....... Would you be angry?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2020 13:24

When I get angry about something I just try and keep it to myself to keep the peace in the house.

Basically, you're expecting your husband to be able to read your mind. I'd ask how that's working out for you but I already know. Stop being a doormat.

Nottherealslimshady · 17/11/2020 13:27

Stop cleaning up after him like he's a child. How did you instantly start cleaning up his spill while he did nothing? He made a mess e cleans it up. Unless he asks you for help in which case, you help and he does the main graft.

Stop seething quietly and make him do his share.

PrincessNutNut · 17/11/2020 13:28

Why did you clean it up for him?

Honestly, OP, there's no great cosmic award for enabling this stupid behaviour and using running upstairs crying and hoping he'll notice as your only form of communicating that it's a problem. This doesn't make you a better person or give you any "points", so to speak. Why do you think it does? Let me guess, you're also a "people pleaser"?

Just stop enabling his selfish and childish behaviour. If he spills, make him clean it up. If you need him to do stuff while you're dealing with the kids, tell him and also tell him that he needs to be aware of what's going on around him so he can do it without being micromanaged. Tell him it's not on for you to have to put your programme on hold while you clean up his mess, and you shouldn't have to tell him that.

Don't try to absolve yourself of responsibility for communicating with him through passive-aggressive gestures that he's supposed to spot while you pretend you were trying to hide them. Stoo enabling and own your perfect right to tell him this is not on.

Chewbecca · 17/11/2020 13:32

I wouldn't have cleaned up after him in the first instance.
I think you need a calm chat with your DH about how you feel and what you want to do differently.

HollowTalk · 17/11/2020 13:34

When he spilled that you should've said, "Oh dear, I'll keep the DC out of the way while you clear it up" and then done just that.

AfterSchoolWorry · 17/11/2020 13:36

Why did you clean it up? 😯

grapewine · 17/11/2020 13:36

It's not that he can't clean it up, it's that he won't because you do it for him. Stop enabling another adult. I understand that you're angry, but this is on you for not telling him to do it himself. YABU for that.

Start using your voice when you're angry/upset. Otherwise, these situations will eat you up.

MintyMabel · 17/11/2020 13:36

How could he deal with it when you gave him no chance?

Do you think he called her through because he wanted her to stand and watch?

VettiyaIruken · 17/11/2020 13:39

Instead of doing it, you should have said accidents happen, you just need a load of kitchen towels then wash the floor.
And walked out again.

hesaidshesaidwhat · 17/11/2020 13:39

Agree with others, you shouldn't have stepped in to clear it up but from your OP it would seem that was what he expected. What would have happened if you had just said 'oh dear, what a mess' and then walked off?

You say he doesn't cook - what was he doing with a bottle of oil then? Did he spill on purpose?

Zoolally · 17/11/2020 13:40

Honestly, you’re raging at yourself, not him. Unless you’re willing to speak up you can’t blame him for acting the way he does. You’ve babied him and he’s taking full advantage.

unmarkedbythat · 17/11/2020 13:41

I wouldn't have cleaned up the oil in the first place though. Why did you?

2bazookas · 17/11/2020 13:42

You went wrong as soon as he spilt the oil.

That was YOUR cue to say " Just going to the co-op, byeeee". and exit.

Stop treating him like your helpless little boy and maybe he'll grow up to be a man. Otherwise you're stuck with a lifetime of servitude and crying in the bathroom.

That's another thing. FGS, if you want to cry, JUST DO IT  RIGHT THERE where everybody can see and hear and know why. Stop sparing  other people 's feelings;  express your own!
YukoandHiro · 17/11/2020 13:43

I saw your other post on the thread about sexless marriages... this isn't really about helping your DH clean up, it's about the fact that you're lonely and you know he wouldn't do the same for you.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/11/2020 13:44

You shouldn't have cleaned it up for him. Not even if he'd have done a shitty job. You've made a rod for your own back.

I've always told DH and our sons (once they were old enough) to clean up their own messes. If they need help, I let them ask for it. By and large they do a good job but I admit there have been times where I've quietly gone in afterwards and 'finished the job' when they aren't looking.

BringMeThatHorizon · 17/11/2020 13:44

I wouldn't have cleaned the oil up. He spilt it, he should clean it up. I might have fetched the bucket in for him if I was feeling helpful.

Trisolaris · 17/11/2020 13:45

My dp can be ridiculously impractical so would probably have called me not knowing how to sort it.

I’d have told him what he needed to do and then gone back to sit down. As we say with kids. How else will they learn?

WakingUp55643 · 17/11/2020 13:46

Wow! Thank you for so many responses!! I do actually think you're all absolutely right. I am a people pleaser, and I do think I allow myself to just plough in and sort things out when I should leave it to whoever has caused it. Totally guilty. And I am enabling him in his manchild ways by letting him get away with not doing stuff. I also see that I have become passive aggressive, and I really hate that, because I'm normally a happy chatty person, but I have become so resentful. There is clearly a longer story behind all of this.....
Thank you x

OP posts:
JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 17/11/2020 13:55

Voted YABU for the fact that you took over and did it. He's a grown man that should be able to clear up the mess he made, it's not rocket science. Don't enable this man child behaviour. I'm sorry that it made you cry though, that's shit.

TwentyViginti · 17/11/2020 13:58

You have two threads on different aspects of your relationship?

Time for a rethink on the dynamics of the relationship? What do you want 2021 to look like for you?

DeciduousPerennial · 17/11/2020 13:58

If you’ve always facilitated this, always do it now, and always will do it in the future then why on earth do you think he will see anything wrong with his behaviour?

OhCaptain · 17/11/2020 13:58

The phrase "there are no victims, only volunteers" comes to mind.

It applies here.

NoProblem123 · 17/11/2020 13:59

You sound lovely but are you a teeny bit controlling?
Do you think nobody can clean as well as you ? Or deal with the children as well as you ?

You are now an enabler but maybe he’s learnt to step back as you like to take control.

Also, YABU to only watch UC when Only Connect is better.

PrincessNutNut · 17/11/2020 14:00

Good luck with it, OP. It's very obvious that there's more to it than just this if he's at the point of calling you when he spills something, but remember you don't have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of someone else's laziness. There's actually no merit in enabling crap behaviour. I daresay it'll come as a bit of a shock to him if it's got this far, but his willingness to change and realise his behaviour isn't on will tell you what kind of person he is.

Yesyoudoknowme · 17/11/2020 14:01

You should have said 'I'll clear up YOUR mess and you put the kids to bed'

However I am EXACTLY like you and I do clear up after everyone because that way I know it is done properly in half the time...