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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Raging (but quietly)

113 replies

WakingUp55643 · 17/11/2020 12:54

I'm a quiet person. When I get angry about something I just try and keep it to myself to keep the peace in the house. There are many many things I could give as an example, but this is from last night.
Dh spilled half a bottle of vegetable oil on the kitchen floor (not because he was cooking, to be clear. That doesn't happen.) and immediately called for me. Why tf he couldn't just deal with it I don't know. So I went in, started mopping it up with kitchen roll, he got some newspaper, made a half hearted attempt to clear more of it, then I asked him to go to the garden and get the bucket so I could wash the floor properly. He brought the bucket in and I got all the cleaning stuff out, scrubbing brush etc, and he said, "right, I'm just going to the co-op, do you want anything?" and left me on the floor scrubbing away. When he got back and I was clearing up the bristles that had come out of the brush, also having sorted out the mad broken cupboard full of carrier bags, he said, "oh, well done." All of this made me miss University Challenge (my only telly of the bloody week!) but he had helpfully put it on pause............ AIBU to be raging??
To add to this, he sat down (after I'd caught up with UC) and put on Kate Bush - This Woman's Work on youtube on the telly (did he not see the irony?) and continued with his music while I got the kids ready for bed. Then I ended up kicking over my glass of lemonade, cleaned that up, while he sat there joking on with our youngest, oblivious to me having to run upstairs to the bathroom for a cry. I felt like my head was going to burst. Anyway, that's it. I may have made it sound a bit drama queen-y, but this is just one evening....... Would you be angry?

OP posts:
Fuckitsstillraining · 17/11/2020 14:02

I was falling into the same routine as you, theres only husband and I but if he made a mess I cleaned it up, I copped on though and stopped. Took a few occasions of him cleaning up but really only running a cloth around, I'd then ask him when was he going to actually clean it up. He has learnt now to do it right or do it twice, I told him my problem, admitted I was partly to blame and then told him I was going to keep pointing out what I needed him to do and that doing it was going to be easier than listening to me.

madcatladyforever · 17/11/2020 14:04

This would never happen to me because I'm not the house maid. If my ex made a horrendous mess he would have to clean it up properly.
You need to stand up for yourself more.

PopsicleHustler · 17/11/2020 14:04

When he said I am going shop, do you want anything, you should have started naming all your favourite chocolates and goodies lol.

Clarice99 · 17/11/2020 14:06

There's no way I'd have cleaned it up. I would help, if needed, but I wouldn't take on the entire task and let my DH bugger off to the shops.

It's time to stop raging inwardly and start being assertive.

There's no reward for being a martyr Grin

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 17/11/2020 14:08

I agree with others. You are raging because you've not taken any action. You don't need to rage! I cant imaging being with anyone like your husband, if mine had come to get me I'd have said ok I'll keep the kids out the way while you deal with it...or are you asking me to clean it...why? How come you can't?' There doesnt need to be a big show down.
Why don't you start now. Tell him it's been bothering you and ask why he came to get you instead of clearing it up himself. If he says he didnt know how to clean it up ask why he didnt ask you. Ask why he didnt put the kids to bed after youd cleaned up his mess for him. Tell him you feel taken for granted when people expect you to clean up messes they've made themselves and say with a smile that youd prefer not to do it any more so best not ask you in future.

Billben · 17/11/2020 14:08

The only person you should be angry with is yourself. You have a voice, use it.

Exactly this. There is no way my DH would have called for me if he had dropped that oil (unless he needed more rags to clean it up with and couldn’t find them for example). Because he knows that I would have told him to sod off. Don’t get more wrong I probably would have given him a hand but he would not have just expected me to do it and expect to get away with it.

FourDecades · 17/11/2020 14:11

Personally...l think you are a mug

Eddielzzard · 17/11/2020 14:11

No wonder you're resentful! Stop biting your tongue, stand up for yourself and you won't feel hard done by. Next time he calls you, don't step in, say 'oh no! Bummer.' and leave the room. If he does a crap job, tell him how to fix it. Don't do it yourself.

ravenmum · 17/11/2020 14:17

Are you still only toying with the idea of leaving, despite the many threads about how you are a single mum with a lazy, irritating housemate and haven't had sex in ten years?

OhCaptain · 17/11/2020 14:18

@ravenmum

Are you still only toying with the idea of leaving, despite the many threads about how you are a single mum with a lazy, irritating housemate and haven't had sex in ten years?
Ah...
DelphineWalsh · 17/11/2020 14:21

Stop being quiet when you're raging.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 17/11/2020 14:21

As others have said, I voted YABU because you’re enabling him to be a useless sack of minge and made a martyr of yourself. It doesn’t have to be this way.

AfterSchoolWorry · 17/11/2020 14:25

@TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag

As others have said, I voted YABU because you’re enabling him to be a useless sack of minge and made a martyr of yourself. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Ditto
Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2020 14:26

I've just read your other posts, op. It's time to end this sham of a marriage, and you know it. You've already wasted enough years on this man.

MashedSweetSpud · 17/11/2020 14:27

I wouldn’t have cleaned it up.

My days of martyrdom are gone. No one appreciates it so why bother? You get more respect when you don’t do it.

Next time just laugh and carry on watching tv.

CloudyVanilla · 17/11/2020 14:30

I'm sorry but I voted AIBU because it seems like you absolutely do not communicate your needs with your partner and you are willing to let him lean on you that way. He sounds like an okay guy who needs some work and you sound okay but like you also need some work with boundaries and communication.

Everyone's circumstances are different but I can say I feel like you are playing the role of the martyr but the man you are with seema oblivious. Honestly I would have called my partner if I had make a big mess like that.

Actually on reflection, if he never cooks and helps with the kids he sounds selfish. BUT. It remains that you are allowing him to be selfish and while you are not responsible for his behaviour you are responsible for your own.

Brighterthansunflowers · 17/11/2020 14:30

YANBU to be annoyed but YABU for jumping in to sort it out and silently seething about it. This is your husband. You should be able to speak up! Stop being a martyr

CloudyVanilla · 17/11/2020 14:31

This reply has been deleted

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RainingBatsAndFrogs · 17/11/2020 14:33

Had my DH called me like that I would have said 'oh no, what a mess, bad luck! Once you have mopped it all up can you make sure you scrub it with hot water and XXX product because otherwise it will soak into the floor and might be slippery'.
'Also, when you go to the Co-op to replace the bottle, could you bring me wine please, to drink while I watch University Challenge? Thank you!'.

switswooo · 17/11/2020 14:35

Are you still only toying with the idea of leaving, despite the many threads about how you are a single mum with a lazy, irritating housemate and haven't had sex in ten years?

I was just about to roll out my standard 'why are you enabling this shit?' line. Feel cheated now.

LittleTiger007 · 17/11/2020 14:37

I would be loudly fuming... but maybe that’s why my husband would not do this.
Give him a chance to do the right thing and express your feelings. You simply cleaned it up - it was his mess. Offer to ‘help’ as a poster above suggested.
Sometimes in my experience men don’t see the jobs that we do or that need doing. Talk about it and don’t be a martyr.

Communicate - regularly - before this drives you around the bend and breaks up your relationship. When you finally explode he will not have seen it coming if you’re crying silently in another room. Your children will also be watching and learning from you. Do you want them to either be a skivvy doing all the jobs and silently resenting it? Or on the other hand to be married to a person like this?

Tenyearsgone · 17/11/2020 14:37

I was going to say I would have helped to clean it up, because we do help each other out. But if the OP is trolling I won't. 😂 Even though I just did.

WakingUp55643 · 17/11/2020 14:43

@YukoandHiro @ravenmum @Aquamarine1029 Yep, you've all got it. It's way bigger than this. But I think last night's incident describes the two of us perfectly in our situation - he carries on not contributing much, relying on me, and I let him do it, while trying to cope with my own feelings due to his depression/anxiety. I do utterly feel like I am wasting my time, but me being me, I try to put up with things to make sure everyone else is alright. Totally guilty of martyrdom, and sadly I have learned that from my mam. I hate saying that, but she's like this too. I know in my mind what I want, but for circumstances I won't go into, I've never been able to put my needs or wants first, and I can't seem to let that go.

OP posts:
LittleTiger007 · 17/11/2020 14:45

If you have posted regularly about your marriage op then you need to understand that a marriage takes two.
He’s being lazy because you are letting him. Talk to him. Posting in mumsnet won’t help your marriage unless you read these comments and start making a change.
Good luck

myneighboursarerude · 17/11/2020 14:47

Because you would do it.

Why did he need to?

You need to tell him your expectations and explain why his behaviour has upset you. His reaction will outline where you stand in future.