Is DD being dramatic or AIBU

[Tempbbp]

Would really appreciate some thoughts on this. I don't want to minimise DD's health condition, but I wonder whether she should just get on with it?

DD31 was recently diagnosed with autism. She's not got an intellectual impairment, but she's struggled with mental health and anxiety all her life. She works, but she's been off sick for two months with anxiety. She was also off last year. She lives with her wife and their house is always a mess.

DD is saying that she can no longer cope with her job and fears she'll end up having to resign, as she can't find any of the help she needs in both her home life and career. She's tried anti-depressants and access to work, and says neither were successful and she can't cope. She claims that the GP can't offer anything else, and that waiting lists for therapy are really long, but that therapy is unlikely to be helpful because it wasn't when she tried at 18.

I want her to be happy, but she's always up and down and it makes me think sometimes that perhaps she just needs to get a grip. I know that sounds horrible, but looking at the state of the world as it is, she's smart and capable, but always thinks the worst and believes there's no way out. If the GP says they cannot help her beyond medication and therapy, could it be that she just isn't engaging with them enough? Is there something else that can be done or other help available? I don't want to see DD unemployed and I'm really worried she'll just quit her job with nowhere to go. I don't know much about this so apologies if I've said something offensive.

I'd say you're being unreasonable. That's a massive thing for her to find out, and she probably could use some support. She also has mental health issues, which is reflected in her attitudes. It's impossible for us to say whether she is not engaging enough, but even if she were not, that can all be part of the condition, and part of why they're so difficult to treat. From experience, my GP is pretty useless!

I'd say empathy and support are more likely to lead to a positive outcome for her. Perhaps she could speak to her employer about support, they'll be legally obligated to help I'd assume (but hoping someone more knowledgeable will speak to this).

Yabu.

Even if it is a case of her “not trying” when your depressed then it’s very hard to try. She needs support to get help rather than judgement and pressure

I can understand you being frustrated with her. At the end of the day there’s only so much can be done counselling and medication wise.

I don’t think she should dismiss counselling now, just because it didn’t work for her at 18. There’s a big difference being being 18 and being 31. It does make you wonder whether some people are just wired up to be anxious/depressed/a worrier, in the way that some people are very optimistic by nature.

YABU.

As someone who has suffered with anxiety and come out the other side (thankfully) I cannot begin to tell you how difficult it is. let alone being diagnosed with autism on top of that. The mind can be a scary place. How sad that your DD doesn't see a way out and that there is nothing that can help her. She really needs to go back to her GP and get an urgent referral if she is feeling that low.

I know you acknowledged about not being offensive but telling someone with a mental health condition to get a grip is incredibly so.

having anxiety or depression is not a simple case of not being "naturally optimistic"

most people who have depression are unlikely to feel the way they do because they're pessimistic.

It’s possible that she isn’t engaging with services that are available - I know a lot of people who are on ADs and claim nothing works but they’ve never actually given anything a proper go. I don’t know your daughter though.

I also think we’ve (I’m your daughters age) been taught this fallacy that you have to find a career you love. I appreciate that there will be people who love their jobs but most people I know work to pay their bills. They make work bearable either by developing bonds with coworkers or developing cool spreadsheets or playing silly games (we played postcode bingo when I worked in a call centre), but at the end of the day they don’t actually like what they do, just what it allows them to do.

I don’t think YABU or YANBU really, but I can understand why you’re frustrated.

I’m also someone who has come out the other side of depression and anxiety. My anxiety was so bad that I used to sit in the hospital in case I had a heart attack. What changed things for me was one doctor (who was probably having a bad day) - he said that I couldn’t keep living the same life and expect something to change. The pills are medicine, not magic. He was right - I was eating badly, drinking too much, barely getting outside, basically living the same day over and over again expecting to feel better and blaming it on brain chemistry.

YABVU and to be honest, yes, you have been hugely offensive. "Get a grip" indeed. Would you tell someone who was struggling with a physical illness to just "get a grip"? No, of course you wouldn't, so please don't use it towards people who struggle with their mental health.

I'm actually in a very similar position to your DD. I also have autism and always struggled in the workplace. I've been signed off with stress, anxiety and MH issues several times in the past ten years.

Last year I was off for three months and ended up resigning as there was just no way on earth I could cope anymore. My MH was shot, I wasn't sleeping, my anxiety was sky high and my moods were appalling. I now run my own business, part-time, from home.

I don't think I'll ever be able to work full-time again. I struggle with sensory overload, anxiety and am also prone to depression. The autism is just something else on top of that that makes every day life a challenge. Being able to work for myself and having free time to decompress has literally been a life saver for me.

Please support your daughter.

I empathise with your daughter. I've recently been diagnosed with asd and there are things i struggle with. I've spoken to my employer and support is in place for the things I find difficult. I'm also medicated for horrendous anxiety. If your daughter is anything like me, she's spent her life just thinking that she's shit at stuff and waiting to get into trouble for things not done or trying to gauge if I have done something wrong. Couple that with bluntness of speech and others taking things I've said in a different way to how I meant them due to me not communicating properly. It can be utterly shit.

OP, I mean this kindly, but your attitude will not be helping your dd here. I think you need to take some time to learn more about mental health and how anxiety and depression can affect people. I also wonder how much you know about autism?

I understand your concern and even your frustration, but it really isn't as simple as her needing to get a grip. Try to understand more and empathise with her struggles. She desperately needs your help and support, not your judgment.

OP, I don't think your being offensive, just concerned for a family member.

You obviously see DD has a lot of potential, and are worried she will waste it away by letting her worries take over her.

I'm in the same position, my dad has always struggled with jobs, claims he has depression and any job is too stressful for his anxiety. I wish he would get a grip secretly to myself, but outwardly support him. I worry for him, what's a life of benefits and no work going to bring him? How's he ever going to support himself in old age? I certainly won't be as an only child.

It's tough. You care for them,and want the best for them. Ultimately it is her life, she is 31, old enough to know the consequences of leaving a job. I'd encourage her to seek therapy again as a last shot. Has she paid privately for any therapy? I'd encourage that. What's £50 every two weeks for a therapy session when ultimately your life and career depends on it?

I get mental illness can be very debilitating, and awful for the person, however I think the person should be encouraged by those around them to get the correct help.

YABVU and your comment about the state of their house is just plain nasty. If you have good mental health and have never shared your life with someone who doesn't, you don't have a clue how hard it can be, and telling someone to just get a grip is completely unhelpful. You should be kindly encouraging your DD to try therapy again - it didn't work at 18, but she's a different person now, she'll be interacting with a different therapist.and it would be a good idea.

GPs aren't usually very good on mental health, so it isn't surprising your DD's GP is no different. If there are wellbeing services in her area, she should be able to self refer to one of those.

Meanwhile may I respectfully suggest that you do a bit of reading around the topic?

I worry for him, what's a life of benefits and no work going to bring him

I get mental illness can be very debilitating, and awful for the person, however I think the person should be encouraged by those around them to get the correct help.

Just...wow. Clearly spoken by someone who has absolutely no idea what it's like to suffer with debilitating mental health problems.

The OP's DD also has autism which will sadly be another huge barrier to her accessing help and support.

YABVVVU. She has clinically diagnosed conditions and you want to tell her to pull herself together?!
Read up, wise up. Or you’ll do some serious damage.

Yabvvvvvu.
As someone with severe PTSD and anxiety and depression, I cannot tell you how upsetting that is to hear.
I'm smart and capable - that does not mean I can automatically get a grip. Mental health is NO joke. I would read up on all these mental health conditions and do some research on what your daughter is suffering. I would also try some empathy - how on earth would you feel?
You are belittling her home and her ability and blaming her for not beating a condition that she is battling. Honestly if I was told
To get a grip from my mother at my lowest, I would cut contact. You are going to do serious,
Irreversible damage if you do not sort yourself out.

Yabvu but I get it.
I have a solid, full time job as a teacher, huge 4 bed detached house, beautiful furnishings, happy and loving family. I've suffered anxiety and depression for years and this year my house is a shit hole, I'm in week 3 off work and I hate how I'm living but have no motivation to change it. I'm putting on weight, living on take out and alcohol. Each of these things to the outside world is an easy fix. For me right now its massively overwhelming.
Don't judge. Offer to help clean, make a meal plan, financial plan, housework plan. Anything to help.

@JacktomyDaniel

Yabvu but I get it. I have a solid, full time job as a teacher, huge 4 bed detached house, beautiful furnishings, happy and loving family. I've suffered anxiety and depression for years and this year my house is a shit hole, I'm in week 3 off work and I hate how I'm living but have no motivation to change it. I'm putting on weight, living on take out and alcohol. Each of these things to the outside world is an easy fix. For me right now its massively overwhelming. Don't judge. Offer to help clean, make a meal plan, financial plan, housework plan. Anything to help.

Sending hugs 🤗

She's lived with autism all her life, without diagnosis. Which indicates she's been disadvantaged and had to battle harder than people who are NT just to get by.
Maybe she's tired of battling. Maybe she's exhausted and struggling to come to terms with a diagnosis. She has an illness, she deserves support and understanding.

I haven't actually told DD to get a grip, but I've been thinking about it, which is why I'm asking on here. DD is actually very social and whilst she's been called direct, doesn't seem to struggle with friendships or public speaking and that kind of stuff. I mentioned her house because she told me she has meltdowns about chores and hygiene and will not shower etc. Thing is she says she does that when she not struggling mentally too, so I don't quite get how she could get help with that.

She looks quite well from the outside. Not saying that she isn't struggling, but she has a good job and a relationship, own home etc. So I wonder if perhaps the GP isn't seeing the issues? It's always the same cycle. She starts slipping and gets depressed and quits her job to go to a new one, is ok for a while and then it starts again. She says it's worse this time because she can't find a new job easily due to Covid.

I am not thinking she doesn't have problems, but if it's always like this and medication and therapy isn't helping, what else is there realistically? Is she just going to be like this for the rest of her life? I don't want that for her and I want to help, but I also know that it's her life and she's an adult. She seems to have given up and what can I do? I just don't know.

YABVFU dont say any of that shit to her.

Autism often comes with anxiety and depression. Because the world's shit and there is no way out. Its driven me to the verge of killing myself more times than I care to count. The thing that actually pushed me to attempt? Family members minimising my mental health problems and telling me to get a grip.

Could you research autism a bit to get some understanding of what she's going through.

Autistics, particularly females diagnosed late in life tend to "seem" alot of things, you dont know how much she actually struggles.

She will always be like this, there's no cure for autism, she may get better with help and as she gets used to her diagnosis, but she will most likely always struggle with life

DD is actually very social and whilst she's been called direct, doesn't seem to struggle with friendships or public speaking and that kind of stuff.

Look up "masking". Females with autism are generally very good at "fitting in" in public and copying other people's behaviours. Unfortunately, masking full-time is exhausting and can have a huge strain on your MH, leaving you with no energy for anything else.

I mentioned her house because she told me she has meltdowns about chores and hygiene and will not shower etc. Thing is she says she does that when she not struggling mentally too, so I don't quite get how she could get help with that.

Again, this is all very normal for people with both MH problems and autism, and sadly autism very, very frequently goes hand-in-hand with mental health issues. Depression kills your motivation and zaps your energy levels, and autism brings with it it's own problems, including sensory overload and issues with different textures, feelings, smells and sounds, all of which can be triggered by showering (water, soaps) and getting dressed (clothes labels, seams, materials).

I am not thinking she doesn't have problems, but if it's always like this and medication and therapy isn't helping, what else is there realistically? Is she just going to be like this for the rest of her life?

Yes, sadly, that's often the reality for people who have severe MH issues or conditions like autism unless they have a huge amount of support around them and the ability to work part-time or in a job where their "quirks" don't set you back.

Like I said in my previous post, I have autism, depression and anxiety and daily life can be really, really hard at times. I find even the most simple things very overwhelming - someone talking to me while I'm watching TV can trigger sensory overload. Announcements in supermarkets do the same. I can't wear clothes that feel a certain way or I itch and feel uncomfortable and stressed.

Luckily I'm in a very good place at the moment but only because I have the support of my parents and my husband, the ability to work part-time and the ability to have lots of down-time to myself to recover from the overload that comes with daily life.

Working full-time is impossible. I just can't do it. That's just what the reality is for me and I'm glad people around me have accepted it and don't feel sorry for me or push me to change.

Your OP reads as though you think her being autistic is something that can be treated or fixed

No your dd isn't being dramatic. Unfortunately support for autistic people is woefully lacking. I'm generalising but GPs generally know very little about it, and neither do most counsellors. In fact the majority of counsellors won't even see an autistic person because it's too specialist.

I have an autistic dd (although still at school) so I do understand that you come from a place of love and worry. No amount of anxiety medication and counselling will fix autism though.

I say this alot to people you will never really understand anxiety until you have been through it. I've suffered on and of for years if only it was that easy to get a grip as you say. She is telling you she's not coping very well she clearly needs some help maybe even just reassuring everything will be fine. Whatever you do don't tell her to just get on with it that will not help an if she really needs someone to turn to I the future it won't be you.

@JacktomyDaniel

Yabvu but I get it. I have a solid, full time job as a teacher, huge 4 bed detached house, beautiful furnishings, happy and loving family. I've suffered anxiety and depression for years and this year my house is a shit hole, I'm in week 3 off work and I hate how I'm living but have no motivation to change it. I'm putting on weight, living on take out and alcohol. Each of these things to the outside world is an easy fix. For me right now its massively overwhelming. Don't judge. Offer to help clean, make a meal plan, financial plan, housework plan. Anything to help.

I'm sorry you are going through that. The feeling I'm getting from DD is that she can't cope with life maintenance (chores, self-care etc) even when she's feeling well.

DD has a cleaner who visits every Friday. Come Monday the house is full of takeaway boxes, dishes, etc. On Thursday she'll then do a mad dash to tidy ready for cleaning on Friday. Rinse and repeat. I get that she's struggling, but it does get frustrating when this has been going on for years on end and nothing seems to be helping.

I have read some articles and materials about autism, but what they tend to describe is difficulties with social situations, change and abstract thinking. Can someone who knows more explain whether this behaviour is related? What is supposed to help with that?

One thing worth remembering is that females with autism generally learn to mask very well, so they may appear “fine” but really they have just learnt to copy behaviour to meet social norms - hence why so many are only diagnosed in adulthood and after reaching crisis point