Is DD being dramatic or AIBU

[Tempbbp]

Would really appreciate some thoughts on this. I don't want to minimise DD's health condition, but I wonder whether she should just get on with it?

DD31 was recently diagnosed with autism. She's not got an intellectual impairment, but she's struggled with mental health and anxiety all her life. She works, but she's been off sick for two months with anxiety. She was also off last year. She lives with her wife and their house is always a mess.

DD is saying that she can no longer cope with her job and fears she'll end up having to resign, as she can't find any of the help she needs in both her home life and career. She's tried anti-depressants and access to work, and says neither were successful and she can't cope. She claims that the GP can't offer anything else, and that waiting lists for therapy are really long, but that therapy is unlikely to be helpful because it wasn't when she tried at 18.

I want her to be happy, but she's always up and down and it makes me think sometimes that perhaps she just needs to get a grip. I know that sounds horrible, but looking at the state of the world as it is, she's smart and capable, but always thinks the worst and believes there's no way out. If the GP says they cannot help her beyond medication and therapy, could it be that she just isn't engaging with them enough? Is there something else that can be done or other help available? I don't want to see DD unemployed and I'm really worried she'll just quit her job with nowhere to go. I don't know much about this so apologies if I've said something offensive.

Yes OP, you might expect that, it’s absolutely NOT a given that’s what would happen or even that it would be even approite to “just get a leg made” there’s many people who can’t operate with artificial limbs, their remaining limbs are not viable to connect a artificial limb on too, their too young/too old for it to make any reasonable difference to their lives or the financial burden on the NHS or their family is deemed disproportant.

Then there’s the people who don’t qualify for mobility funding and have to pay out of their own money,

Then there’s the people who pain killers and physio don’t work for.

There’s no difference

“
People like me get told that you go to hospital or see a doctor if you have an issue, and that they will offer help. My DD is saying that is not the case, so I wanted to see whether that's her perception or whether that's reality*

Key word there being offer they’ve offered help you’ve told us that she’s been on anti depressiants - they don’t work, she’s been through the alwfup access to work programme - it doesn’t work

She’s asked for reasonable adjustments - she’s still not coping.

Just like if some one didn’t respond to physio, painkillers etc yeah they don’t have a magic cure

My dh has diagnosed autism and works fulltime. His depression and anxiety has been brought under control with sertraline and quetiapine. It took a lot of time to find drugs that work and he went through what felt like a million different types before these two.
I just wanted to give an alternative to the doom and gloom you've been given already.

"could it be that she just isn't engaging with them enough?"

Wow- I don't think you know how ignorant you sound! Do you think GPS zap you to the top of waiting lists or can magic up therapies the NHS just doesn't fund in many areas? Clearly you have no idea how the health system works or what it's like to endure daily mental suffering.

It is your fault though. And her teachers. Same as it's my parents and my teachers fault. A few more coping mechanisms and social skills taught as kids and maybe we wouldn't be these underperforming, anxious adults 🤷

It's not unusual for people with autism who have been good at masking to run out of steam on it. They may have spent years "getting a grip" but it's stopped working. The anxiety, the stress has just got too much. Your physical health can start to be affected. I'd suggest encouraging self care and accepting that, as an adult, she knows her limits now.

@Meatshake

It is your fault though. And her teachers. Same as it's my parents and my teachers fault. A few more coping mechanisms and social skills taught as kids and maybe we wouldn't be these underperforming, anxious adults 🤷

Oh now, even as an late diagnosed aspie, teachers social workers psychologists yes, absolutely at fault.

My parents forever did everything they could to support a very distressed child that was clearly telling there was something not ok about how I expernced the world.

So no it’s not all parents fault.

Absoultely agree though a few actual coping mechanisms would be better than being depressive anxious adults who have coping mechanisms I’ve had to make up for myself that are actually still seen as odd.

Although as op doesn’t seem to have much understanding of disability beyond being missing a limb maybe your right, but don’t automatically say it’s the parents fault

@Meatshake

It is your fault though. And her teachers. Same as it's my parents and my teachers fault. A few more coping mechanisms and social skills taught as kids and maybe we wouldn't be these underperforming, anxious adults 🤷

I'm sorry, but that is ridiculous. You can say all you like about me not understanding the condition enough or needing to learn and accept things, but it is not my fault that my child's autism didn't get diagnosed at a young age. My DD has excellent social skills. It's probably a major contributing factor to her autism being missed. Does that stop her from being anxious? No.

This is because she has autism I am constantly told, so what would me having taught her social skills have anything to do with it? She was taught social skills and coping mechanisms, she struggles because she has a disability we didn't know she had. I'm not clairvoyant. We put her in front of a psychologist and other medical experts with an open mind and it never came up. She didn't come to me anxious and upset and got told "tough shit". I can recognise autistic traits in her now, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

You need to start believing your DD. It's very simplistic of you and naive to think you go to a doctor and they offer help.
It's taken years for me to even get a diagnosis for a relatively straightforward physical condition.
The 'help' you think your DD has access to probably doesn't even exist.

@Meatshake

It is your fault though. And her teachers. Same as it's my parents and my teachers fault. A few more coping mechanisms and social skills taught as kids and maybe we wouldn't be these underperforming, anxious adults 🤷

No, I don't think that's fair at all.

Autism was very, very undiagnosed 20-30 years ago. Most people who were diagnosed were very developmentally delayed - to the point that they often had to go and live in care homes or attend specialist boarding schools. People in OP's DD's position who coped through masking weren't diagnosed and were just expected to get on with it. There wasn't really a connection between people were severe autism and people with what used to be referred to as "Aspergers".

There's a reason lots of people (women in particular) get diagnosed in their thirties and beyond and it's really not all down to them being failed by parents or teachers.

People don't seem to have much resilience nowadays.

User I find that the kind of people you label as unresilient are actually the most resilient of all as despite the daily challenges they have, they keep on keeping on.

@Meatshake

It is your fault though. And her teachers. Same as it's my parents and my teachers fault. A few more coping mechanisms and social skills taught as kids and maybe we wouldn't be these underperforming, anxious adults 🤷

My dh was diagnosed as an after after our sons diagnosis. I don't think itbis fair to apportion blame when it just wasn't recognised as it is now. As an adult dh has a fulltime job dealing with the public who are often angry by the time they get to him, has no social issues and is no longer anxious. To blame your parents or teachers is far too simplistic.

These skills can be learnt as an adult and like I said in an earlier post the correct medication has done wonders for dh. It took me accompanying dh many times to his appointments to get his meds changed and advocating on his behalf but we got there eventually.

It took me 2 years to get an ADHD assessment, from the same NHS clinic in a major city that also provides services for autism and aspergers. So in my experience, going to the doctor and asking for help doesn't result in receiving help.

I also have a long history with depression and anxiety disorders. Not only do those conditions make you believe you are unworthy of help, but they genuinely make it physically harder to do even basic activities like chores - including booking a GP appointment.

Getting a prescription for anti-depressants is pretty straightforward, but it can take a while and multiple appointments to get the right drug and dose. Given the fact that right now, my GP practice only takes bookings on the day and you need to call each morning at 8am to find out if they have availability - I can totally see that your daughter is majorly unsupported by health professionals.

Again, from my experience, therapy was incredibly helpful - but only the third therapist I visited. With both of the first two, I had to wait 6 months for my NHS referral to receive 6 sessions - and because of underfunding they were not easy to reach (geographically) and would have been impossible without a car.

They also took place during working hours, which meant horrible conversations with my employers at the time.

The last therapist I went to privately, which costs hundreds of pounds a month and had a 3 month waiting list - and I'm fully aware that option just isn't available to anyone with money struggles, or money-based anxiety.

It sounds like right now, your daughter is beyond capacity for things she can deal with. The best way to help her is to offer your support, and to still be there if/when she turns you down.

Would you feel comfortable offering to help book trials with different therapists? Or how about popping over a couple of times a week to tidy and clean with her?

These small gestures aren't much, but would be a kind and considerate way to let her know you are there, and she can lead on you when she's struggling.

@user1493494961

People don't seem to have much resilience nowadays.

Resilience comes at a price.

Resilience = crisis management. Chronic and long term management of difficult situations results in long term mental health issues. Resilience is a short term solution. Having to be resilient ALL the time is horribly bad for your nervous system.

I'm incredibly resilient. I've had to be, all my life. As a result my mental health is fucked.

So bollocks to your comment.

HTH.

@CandyLeBonBon same here. Sorry you're the same

My DD has excellent social skills. It's probably a major contributing factor to her autism being missed. Does that stop her from being anxious? No

No indeed her name excellent social skills are part of the problem and indeed possibly the cause of her anxiety, females with autism have been proven to be brilliant at masking. Mimicking, and observing behaviours that they see being treated positively or as normal in the neurotypical population. However it’s called masking because it’s literally laying over the top of who you really are, it’s exhausting, imagine not being able to be who you are every day of your life, how much attention to not doing something wrong, to learning what each little facial expression, tone of voice means. You’d be anxious too wouldn’t you?!?!

This is because she has autism I am constantly told, so what would me having taught her social skills have anything to do with it? She was taught social skills and coping mechanisms, she struggles because she has a disability we didn't know she had. I'm not clairvoyant.

No your not, and that was a harsh reply, but it’s sort of important that you understand that those social skips are mimicked without any understanding of why or what is really meant by them. Unfortantly a lot of autistic people your daughters age especially females will have mimicked social skills rather than learnt them, and many have coping mechanism will be seen as socially unacceptable which is why your daughter is so anxious
Look up badly learnt social skills and coping mechanisms

I was diagnosed with autism in my early thirties and then several years later with inattentive ADHD. I can only speak for myself, but I certainly don't blame my parents for a lack of diagnosis (pretty sure my dad had undiagnosed autism). I am in full-time employment, but programming that involves very little social interaction. I am definitely a disaster if I'm not working, I can only function with the pressure of a deadline to do something and a structure to my day. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be worried about that, OP. CBT was helpful for my ADHD - I can't really separate out autism/ADHD but it might help your daughter.

Oh and I had a cleaner and did the same rushing around before they came - in the end it was more stressful having a cleaner than not.

@Littlepiggiesinblankets recently I've been wondering whether my DD might also have ADHD, having read up on it a bit. As much as she is anxious, she's also perpetually bored. There always has to be something new and exciting to do. She's impulsive for an autistic person; you'll call her one day and she'll be on the train to some city she's never been to because she felt like travelling that day, or she'll have some new 'thing' that she'll be completely obsessed with. When she's on the phone she has to pace, she talks at a million miles an hour sometimes though I'll admit she's very engaging. Everything needs to be now, or not at all. Patience is a virtue, but it is not hers. She's also always late, no matter how much time she's got to get ready, or to be somewhere.

I think she has some minor issues socially, but in general the main difficulties seem to lie somewhere else. From reading, I recognise her desire to be able to sometimes leave abruptly because she's filled her bucket of being social tolerance, but rather than anxious it makes her tired. The only time she gets anxious in those situations is when she feels trapped and unable to leave when she wants. She gets anxious about basically everything else though. Ironically when everyone else is panicking she's an oasis of calm.

[quote HigherFurtherFasterBaby]@CandyLeBonBon same here. Sorry you're the same [/quote]

As a parent with a ASD daughter this post and your attitude as a mother is so upsetting. Your daughter may only have been diagnosed recently but this is something she has had to deal with alone for 30 years!
ASD makes every day task other people don't even think about very hard to complete, my own daughter struggles to join in, struggles just going to school because of the noise and the uncertainty.
It sounds to me like your daughter has been struggling for a very long time and it has all become too much.
You need to research ASD and understand the anxiety and mental health issues are linked to a condition that cannot be cured. She will most probably never recover as you would like from this.

I think you need to get a grip and be a better parent to your child.

@Tempbbp
She's also always late, no matter how much time she's got to get ready, or to be somewhere.

Always being late is a very common trait of autism. The majority of people with autism suffer from executive function disorder - these functions are cognitive processes, one of which is time management.

autismawarenesscentre.com/executive-function-what-is-it-and-how-do-we-support-it-in-those-with-autism-part-i/

@Tempbbp
I think she has some minor issues socially, but in general the main difficulties seem to lie somewhere else

Are you actually reading what people are trying to tell you? You previously said that your daughter has "excellent social skills". @RizzleDrizzle then explained very clearly that what you are perceiving as excellent social skills is actually your daughter "masking" - which is one of the major and most debilitating parts of being female and autistic. And you reply with "she has some minor issues socially" but that her main difficulties lie somewhere else. What is it that you just don't get about what people are telling you? Either you're not actually reading what we're saying or you are deliberately ignoring us. Either way, I'm done with trying to help you because you clearly don't really want help. I hope your daughter finds someone to help her.

@TibetanTerrier You can have good social skills regardless of whether you've honed those by masking or whether you were born that way. The fact that she may or may not be masking doesn't change how her social skills are perceived. I can be terrified of water and still be an objectively good swimmer, the two aren't mutually exclusive.

I'm going off what my daughter tells me she struggles with most and least. She tells me herself that she enjoys socialising, even if it tires her out. She is the type to have hour long monologues after work about everything that bothered her that day, so I'm not just guessing at what is and isn't a problem. As much as there are posters harping on about how all people with autism are individuals and how everyone struggles in different ways, you are also dead set on deciding exactly how my daughter navigates life exactly in one way because of her autism. It's not that simple.

You can have good social skills regardless of whether you've honed those by masking or whether you were born that way. The fact that she may or may not be masking doesn't change how her social skills are perceived

You still aren’t listening or understanding to be honest I’m only replying YET again because @TibetanTerrier referred to my reply.

It doesn’t matter how her skills are perceived what matters is the energy it takes to do those things literally twenty minutes conversation can exhaust me, everyone tells me I’m articulate, I’m socially aware, make eye contact, the energy to do that is like I’ve run a sodding marathon. Your understanding of disability of any kind is sadly lacking, which is honestly fine but what is frustrating is your inability to listen or willingness to learn or do your own research.

Your daughter is telling you she can’t cope with work but your still here trying to make out she should just get on with it. Shuttering on about her social skills.

Also, monologuing is not a good social skill, talking at a person for an hour without letting them have a word or not allowing them to talk about things they might want to talk about is not excellent social skills. It’s a poorly learnt coping mechanism that is actually very common in autistic behaviour. I can monologue for hours, no one would say it’s good though.