Is DD being dramatic or AIBU

[Tempbbp]

Would really appreciate some thoughts on this. I don't want to minimise DD's health condition, but I wonder whether she should just get on with it?

DD31 was recently diagnosed with autism. She's not got an intellectual impairment, but she's struggled with mental health and anxiety all her life. She works, but she's been off sick for two months with anxiety. She was also off last year. She lives with her wife and their house is always a mess.

DD is saying that she can no longer cope with her job and fears she'll end up having to resign, as she can't find any of the help she needs in both her home life and career. She's tried anti-depressants and access to work, and says neither were successful and she can't cope. She claims that the GP can't offer anything else, and that waiting lists for therapy are really long, but that therapy is unlikely to be helpful because it wasn't when she tried at 18.

I want her to be happy, but she's always up and down and it makes me think sometimes that perhaps she just needs to get a grip. I know that sounds horrible, but looking at the state of the world as it is, she's smart and capable, but always thinks the worst and believes there's no way out. If the GP says they cannot help her beyond medication and therapy, could it be that she just isn't engaging with them enough? Is there something else that can be done or other help available? I don't want to see DD unemployed and I'm really worried she'll just quit her job with nowhere to go. I don't know much about this so apologies if I've said something offensive.

@Rinoachicken

Your OP reads as though you think her being autistic is something that can be treated or fixed

I don't want to fix her autism I want her to be able to remain in full-time employment. For her sake more than anything.

She quit a job once before because she couldn't cope at 22, and even though she was only out of work for six months, it made her mental health a hundred times worse. Having seen that I don't think resigning from her current job is a good solution.

Has she explained to her employer to try and get support ?

I strongly advise you to read up about autism in females. It is quite different to the stereotype, which is based on males.

Sounds like your daughter has been masking for her whole life. Her brain has been working much harder than an NT brain to analyse and deal with everyday stuff, including self care, socialising, etc.

Particularly look up something called “executive functioning” and the autism wheel - Autistic people are all different and have different strengths and weaknesses, just like NT people.

She needs support and understanding. Therapy would be useful, AS LONG AS it is with someone who works with autistic people.

I can understand how you feel - I were told last December that my teenage DD Is autistic and it is a steep learning curve. But it is up to YOU to learn. If you are on FB there are a couple of groups that I have found helpful, you cam DM me if you want more info. just don’t expect sympathy for you - it is your daughter that needs the care right now.

This could be about me several years ago, I couldn't cope in jobs and then being unemployed stressed me out as it showed I wasn't basicallt fitting in with society. Unemployment rate for autistics is insanely high.
I ended up coming to peace with it and just going freelance/gig economy type work which took the stress off.
Adult help for autistics especially those seen as high functioning is pretty much none existent, at least in my area.

do you wear glasses op? if so take them off and try and see/read. If you can't try harder to read as you are not trying hard enough. surely you can see if you try harder?

would you say to someone using a wheelchair that they are not trying hard enough to get up the steps?

Autism is a disability. She can only do what she can do.

Have you talked to Mind or other mental health charities? They may be able to help.
If your daughter is in London, the Mosaic Clubhouse will help her find and keep a job. The clubhouse model really helps those who have severe and chronic mental illness.
If possible, your daughter might first consider volunteering with a charity to get experience and feel comfortable in the work world. Having something to offer on a resume really helps when seeking paid work.

I don't want to fix her autism I want her to be able to remain in full-time employment. For her sake more than anything.

Sadly, it's very unlikely that she'll be able to remain in full time employment. Like a PP said, the employment rates for autistic adults are very, very low.

It may be better for her to find a low-stress, part-time role which will enable her to have plenty of downtime.

Supporting her doesn’t mean telling her what to do. It means acknowledging you don’t have all the answers and guiding her towards finding the best help. Can she see an adult careers advisor to understand the type of employment that will best suit her?

@livinlavida

Yabvvvvvu. As someone with severe PTSD and anxiety and depression, I cannot tell you how upsetting that is to hear. I'm smart and capable - that does not mean I can automatically get a grip. Mental health is NO joke. I would read up on all these mental health conditions and do some research on what your daughter is suffering. I would also try some empathy - how on earth would you feel? You are belittling her home and her ability and blaming her for not beating a condition that she is battling. Honestly if I was told To get a grip from my mother at my lowest, I would cut contact. You are going to do serious, Irreversible damage if you do not sort yourself out.

I'm in the same boat

@Ericaequites

Have you talked to Mind or other mental health charities? They may be able to help. If your daughter is in London, the Mosaic Clubhouse will help her find and keep a job. The clubhouse model really helps those who have severe and chronic mental illness. If possible, your daughter might first consider volunteering with a charity to get experience and feel comfortable in the work world. Having something to offer on a resume really helps when seeking paid work.

She's not in London no. I don't know how those kind of things work and whether they would benefit someone like her? I thought those types of programs are aimed at people who aren't working or have limited experience with paid work. Can they also support those who are in work?

@vanillandhoney

I don't want to fix her autism I want her to be able to remain in full-time employment. For her sake more than anything.

Sadly, it's very unlikely that she'll be able to remain in full time employment. Like a PP said, the employment rates for autistic adults are very, very low.

It may be better for her to find a low-stress, part-time role which will enable her to have plenty of downtime.

But she's always been in full-time employment and autism isn't something that happened to her last week, so I don't see how she'd suddenly end up unemployed unless she resigned and just gave up.

You need to educate yourself on ASD. It has clearly impacted your DD her entire life. Anxiety is a major issue for someone with ASD and they need alot of support around this. Which is why she is having difficulty coping. Your attitude is very poor and to change it requires educating yourself around your DD diagnosis. There are many support networks available for people with autism and families and carers. You need to tap into those

Everyone on here will tell you how horrible you are being etc.
I can see where you are coming from. Yes, she needs support with her anxiety and depression and understanding, but she also needs someone to tell her that simply resigning won't make those problems go away and actually could make her feel worse if it causes her financial and relationship worries.
There are a couple of issues to consider:

1. Counselling - I think many people expect counselling to be some kind of magic wand. It can only really be a space for you to understand what your problems are and give you space and help to think of what could help. She should give it a try but be aware it is a means to working out what she might do.
2. Giving up work depends heavily on her financial circumstances. Can she afford to do this? Yes it will relieve pressure. I live with someone with ASD who hates his work, finds it exhausting and stressful. However, it is a choice for him between work, work with much less money or benefits. He chose work. It is a choice, not a great one but it is reality. She needs to think about her family circumstances and the consequences.

I think you can be supportive, loving and understanding whilst pointing these things out to her. Ultimately, it is her choice. Her choice might be very different to yours, but it is still hers to make.

But she's always been in full-time employment and autism isn't something that happened to her last week, so I don't see how she'd suddenly end up unemployed unless she resigned and just gave up.

I'm autistic and I was in full-time employment for ten years before it all became too much and I had to pick between my mental health and my job - if I'd continued much longer I'd have had a breakdown.

Females with autism are excellent at masking and covering up their condition. They're socially conditioned to act "normally". Unfortunately, masking is absolutely exhausting and doing it 24/7 for life simply isn't possible. How long people can "cope" for will depend on lots of things - how their autism impacts them, what support they have (family, friends, therapy, medication), what work they are able to do and whether that work can be done in a way that benefits them, how much sensory stimulation they can cope with, how strong their mental health is...

Also, you really, really need to change your mindset and your language. Resigning from a job that's damaging your health is not giving up. Being autistic is incredibly difficult and many people simply can't cope with a full-time job. That doesn't mean we're failures or that we've given up. It's just the reality.

When I worked full-time I had panic attacks, meltdowns as a result of sensory overloads and I frequently found myself in tears at work because everything was too much and I couldn't escape the noise, the sounds, the smells.

I now work part-time and my mental health has improved ten-fold. Please don't underestimate how difficult autism is to live with and how difficult it can be to manage alongside "normal" life.

I second what @vanillandhoney has said; especially about changing your mindset. Why do you think you are better placed to know what she needs to do than she is? She clearly managed to mask it well enough that you never pursued a diagnosis when she was under your care, so I think you shouldn't trust what you perceive to be the truth of the matter.

But she's always been in full-time employment and autism isn't something that happened to her last week, so I don't see how she'd suddenly end up unemployed unless she resigned and just gave up
As others have said women with autism tend to mask and then it all falls apart in a dramatic fashion. Where it can be a choice between mental health or continuing with the masking.
medicalxpress.com/news/2020-06-women-camouflaging-autistic-traits-severe.html

@Fouroclockonamarblemorning

I can understand you being frustrated with her. At the end of the day there’s only so much can be done counselling and medication wise.

I don’t think she should dismiss counselling now, just because it didn’t work for her at 18. There’s a big difference being being 18 and being 31. It does make you wonder whether some people are just wired up to be anxious/depressed/a worrier, in the way that some people are very optimistic by nature.

I think I'm wired like that. It's fucking shit. My husband is an optimist which, at the beginning was attractive, now it's fucking annoying because he tells me 'not to worry'

She may have always been in FT employment but she’s clearly not thriving or coping is she. The sheer effort of having to try and function at that level as an autistic person in a NT world, is clearly putting enormous strain on her mental health.

She may very well be batter off finding something PT so that she has enough down time to re-focus and process things.

What is more important to you? that she have FT job or that she’s happy and emotionally stable?

Because it sounds like you care more about her having a job than how it’s negatively effecting her.

And you need to seriously do some research on autism in females. Don’t even dare start trying to advise her or interfere until you at least have a better understanding of her reality and the basics of autism

Must be hard for her OP. And you. Sorry I don't have any advice but didn't want to read and run.

It’s so hard for those suffering with these issues to lead a “normal” life and pressure to “get a grip” is probably really stressful . Three things l’ve realised :

1. When lm frustrated it’s because l want my son to he bloody happy ...so l can be and so l can stop worrying about him ! It’s actually my inability to live my life happily if everything isn’t going my way that is the real problem .
2. I accept him EXACTLY as he is ..and love exactly who he is right now. I tell him that frequently.
3. l just listen but say very little . . I decided to totally let go of judgement and just be available for when he’s ready to ask for help . He often does and then we move forward together without me trying to drag him ..

Best of luck to you both .

OP, I have autistic twins who are 4. They are non verbal, don’t understand words, still in nappies.

Your daughter has the same diagnosis as my children. There’s no distinction between what they have and what she has. That she has managed to achieve what she has with this condition, albeit less severely impacted than my boys, is a testament to how strong she is. But masking is exhausting and can lead to deteriorating mental health. She can’t get over it any more than my twins can suddenly learn to talk. There is no treatment that will make it better although she may be able to manage the anxiety with help.

She sounds a lot like me, except my health issues were physical rather than neurological. People saw a person who was married and doing a stressful and demanding job. They didn’t see that my whole life was work - outside of that I could do nothing but lie flat in my bed, often in tears. I kept going until I couldn’t any more. My flat was a bomb site. DH was doing all the cooking.

I went through occupational health at work and got some home working days - it didn’t help and eventually I had to stop work.

We moved away from London, I took some time to rest and then I started a small business I could manage around my health. Eventually I got much better, had my boys and started a part time job as well, also selected because it was limited hours and flexible.

My boys have just started school and today I cleaned the house, then I rested. Tomorrow I will rest more then on Wednesday I will start working through a list of jobs I need to get done. I’m exhausted after no proper rest for four years and if I don’t go carefully I’ll be unable to function.

Your daughter isn’t coping and that’s evident in many ways. You think she should just be able to push through it because she’s done that before but you’re not realising that she’s in this state because she has been trying to push through.

I'm sorry you are going through that. The feeling I'm getting from DD is that she can't cope with life maintenance (chores, self-care etc) even when she's feeling well.

OP I don't think you understand how exhausting living with autism can be.
The sensory overload, trying to keep meltdowns at bay,masking, trying to feel comfortable in your own clothes (literally), navigating social cues, making yourself understood, trying to understand what other want or mean etc. There is no "feeling well" , it's a daily struggle . Once you add the anxiety and depression, your daughter is juggling full suitcases with a stack of plates on top,on a unicycle that's on fire.

That's why she's tired. That's why things drop off to the side even when "feeling well". That just means the unicycle is not on fire..yet.

Sounds like she may have a lot of anxiety around communicating with other people

YABU, and you need to educate yourself on what life is like for autistic people. Only 16% of autistic adults work full time, and only 32% work at all. That's not because we are lazy, and nobody has told us to get a grip or pull our socks up or some rubbish like that. It's because society is not set up for us to function well.

If you actually care about her, help her to apply for PIP, for a start (be prepared to have to go to appeal), and believe her when she tells you about the executive functioning issues etc she has, and it is not just a matter of putting in more effort.

It's not a good thing that she has masked previously and held down a job for some time; masking is associated with worse mental health outcomes.

And standard counselling is often not effective for autistic people (plus it doesn't change the root causes of their anxiety and depression anyway, which is that it's very difficult to live in a neurotypical world).

@Tempbbp

I would strongly recommend you read the book

Odd Girl Out by Laura James
An Autistic Woman in a Neurotypical World

Laura James was diagnosed with autism in her early 40s and her book gives extraordinary insight into what being an autistic woman actually means for her and for the people around her.

I would also recommend

Spectrum Women edited by Barb Cook & Dr Michelle Garnet
Walking to the Beat of Autism

Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder by Sarah Hendrickx
Understanding Life Experiences from Early Childhood to Old Age