to think any random jackass could be a better mother than me

[crappymummy]

I have namechanged for this post. I am not a troll. I don't expect any responses, I just want to vent.

I am looking back over my decision to have a child with some bitterness-I don't know what arrogance made me think that I could ever be a good mother. I feel like such a useless sack of crap.

My baby doesn't sleep well, wakes up many times in the night (sometimes hourly) and There seems to be nothing I can do about it. Tonight I reached a new low, as when I was trying to put her down and she cried, building up to screaming for about an hour and I lost it and I screamed too.

What kind of mother screams in front of a 5 month old?

I read today that babies whio don't sleep have impaired brain function and are slower to develop physically as all these crucial things occur during sleep. This just adds to my sense that I have f*cked her uop before her life has barely begun.

The sleep is just one of many other issues, I am screwing up big style on all fronts.

I feel so hopeless. What makes it worse is that I feel so alone - I know some other women with babies my child's age who seem to just be flying through it and doing a bang-up job. We meet for coffee weekly and it is hard to keep going as I can't bear the shame and lonliness of being the only person who struggles, but I need the social interaction.

I have no family here, I am from another country. My husband is v supportive but it is unfair to expect him to 'carry me' through this - lack of sleep affects him too.

Without sounding too melodramatic, I feel despair. I don't think this is PND, it is beyond that.

I realise that since this post is on AIBU it may get a lot of YABUs, and criticism/flaming. As I said I am not really looking for anything, just wanting to vent. None of you can make me feel worse than I do right now, or hate me more than I hate myself.

Well, I am also the kind of mother who screamed in front of her 5 month old. Lack of sleep, coupled with post birth hormones, can be truly horrific. I am surrounded by people whose babies slept through from three weeks old.

You are not alone, you are not being unreasonable, you are EXHAUSTED. Have you talked to anyone about it (GP or HV)?

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Don't beat yourself up so much, see if your dh can give you a break so you can get a decent stretch of uninterrupted sleep and life will feel better.

In answer to "what kind of mother screams in front of a 5 month old?" - lots!
You just sound very tired and very stressed out to me. You are so obviously not a bad mother... It will get easier, I promise. Maybe see your GP/HV? And believe me, the women you think are flying through it almost certainly aren't - its like there's something shameful about "admitting" its bloody hard work and not always much fun.

I doubt very much anyone will critise/flame you. Why would they ? Your baby is 5 months old .. when I think back to then (admittedly a long time ago, it could have been me writing this post.

Most people lie about how they are coping (I used to smile sweetly at the coffee shop and never discuss the 25 mins sleep i'd had (no lie) the night before.

You have not fucked her life up

The fact you posted this message is testament to that

I'm sure they'll be lots of proper advice but thats my take on it

Don't be so hard on yourself

Firstly - just wanted to know that I've read this and you have my sympathy.

SEcondly, the fact that you are concerned for both your daughter's well being, your husband's feelings and your own abilities means that you are not a crap mum - you are wanting the best for the most precious people in your life.

I don't know about pND tbh, but it does sound like you would benefit from speaking to someone in real life, again even if it's only to vent as you say.

As for the other women - they will be lying or exaggerating - it's never all plain sailing for everyone. I know I've talked up a situation to get out of confessing what I'm really stressed about, don't like people knowing that much about me tbh.

Just about to make tea, but will come back. No doubt others will come along and listen.

Blimey. You poor thing. You need some sleep and comfort.
No doubt you are doing a good job.
Lack of sleep does not cause developmental delay. So forget that one.
You're just feeling shit

Also remember that the women you meet who seem to be flying through it are very probably going through their tough times too.

Some people here have tried cranial osteopathy (sp?) with excellent results re sleep.

cmummy; change that name right now! im not typing it.

all you are is TIRED.
having a baby is a wonderful experience but also very exhausting. forget all the adverts on tv etc that show model mums running around smiling with their kids, in kitchens the size of my house, real life isnt like that. maybe your expectations are just too high. motherhood is a learning curve, by the time your on baby no; 3 its a doodle!

have you spoken to your health visitor?

Sweetheart you're a good mother. Babies cry & some babies cry all the time, mine did & its not your fault. & screaming is ok compared to shaking/hitting. As for what you have read, if we took notice of everything we read about baby care we would be scared to even touch them, you're not hurting her. If her body needs sleep that badly then she will sleep.
Ignore the other mums, they don't matter.
As long as you keep your baby fed, warm & clean she will be fine.

Some babies are crap sleepers, it's nothing you've done wrong.

Motherhood can be lonely & isolating - it shouldn't be but sadly it often is. Trying to do it alone, beating yourself up for not doing it right & feeling a failure will give you PND even if you don't have it now (been there, done that...).

And I think it is perfectly fair to expect your DH to carry you if you need it, you sound close to breaking point and he may not realise it (mine didn't). Talk to him, tell him how you are feeling.

I almost certainly screamed in front of my 5-month-old. Earlier today I howled at the cieling in front of my 17-month-old. Being a mummy is stressful and non-stop, and sleep deprivation can be vile.

You're obviously not a bad mother because the thing that comes over most strongly in your post is how much you CARE about your LO.

There will be people with far more useful and practical things to say than me, but I didn't want to read and not comment.

I don't think you will get flamed or criticised at all. Noone will want to make you feel worse, i can guarantee it. Your baby not sleeping is not down to you being a bad mother. You ask what kind of mother screams at a 5 month old - I'll tell you that nearly ALL mothers have done it - I have! Most people I know have screamed at their children in temper and regretted it. PLease don't feel bad about it!!

These 'other mothers' who appear to be coping so wonderfully with their kids - do you know for a fact that they are. Are you talking to them about the superficial side of motherhood or are they close friends you can be honest with and they with you. Have you seen any of the many many posts on here from mums who think that they are not coping?

I'm sure you've thought of this but you do sound depressed. Your baby is only 5 months old, it's no time at all to have adjusted to the change in your life she will have made. Loads of babies are not sleeping through at 5 months. Has she always been a bad sleeper? I really have to say again that her sleeping is not your fault!

don't worry, we all lose it at some stage or another.

have you tried swaddling? maybe that reflex thingy is waking her up? we still swaddle ds, he's the same age and recognises it as time for sleep and no flailing arms. when i don't use it we all have a rubbish night.

if you all get a good nights sleep you'll feel more able to cope with other things that crop up as well.

It will get better. There comes a time with all dc when they do sleep for a longer stretch at a time and then sleep right through so dark as the tunnel may seem now, there WILL be light at the end of it.

Is your baby putting on weight alright? Do you think your baby is getting enough to eat? I ask this because when dd screamed and screamed it turned out that due to the stress I was going through, I was not producing enough milk and the poor child was hungry. I didn't know it. I struggled with breastfeeding and in the end my GP said to supplement with the bottle when she was 3 months or so. She was wrinkly looking and I look back in horror thinking how she must have been in pain with hunger.

Anyway, once she tried a bottle , she wouldn't have the breast anymore, she just pushed it away and reached for the bottle. Maybe your dc has a different problem but it could be something that you can actually solve rather than just a crying baby IYSWIM. I hope so.

In the meantime is there any possibility of a relative of yours from overseas coming over to stay with you for a while and give you a hand?

Lots of comments on the sleep issue, & I agree with them but you said your'e screwing up on all fronts. What else are you having trouble with babe?

mummy; do you think you need help right away, are you ok.?

I sat on the kitchen floor and cried then screamed at my dp the other day, my children are nearly 3 and 7

Life is hard, and we all feel like no-one knows quite how bad we have it or are feeling, and you know what, in a way, it's true. NO-ONE except you know exactly what yu are going through, because we aren't you, but you can bet we have been bloody close, and in very similar situations.

Keep posting and hopefully you will see the light at the end of that tunnel, it is there, I thin it's called the eighteenth birthday or something

Can I ask exactly what you're 'screwing up' your DD is onyl 5 months old, theres nto much you can screw up tbh, parents are more a product of their children at that age than vice versa, they certainly aren't going to do as you want/say, unless of course you're claire verity

Oh, and I just wanted to add, those times when baby cries in the middle of the night and you get angry/frustrated enough to want to scream at her call cry-sis and scream/cry at them instead, they will help and support you as much as they can.
Babies cry, it's normal, and it is okay to put them down and let them cry if they need to.

If you're worried about DP's sleeping (I assume is he the breadwinner?) then take baby downstairs when she cries, and/or tell him to get himself some earplugs, you can always wake him when you feel you need him.

lorayn; ive just read op again. she sounds really down, hope shes ok.

I have a 5 months old too..and I lost it completely yesterday..she kept crying and nothing I did made her alright..I lost it and told her to shut the ......... and I'm sorry about it but it was all too much..see..I dont think you are crap, we all have our moments in which it's too much

I know TM , hopefully she is catching up some well needed sleep, or having a good old cry on DH, I know both can do the wonder of good.

I always remember at our antenatal class (about 3 1/2 years ago, pre ds1 and ds2) the lady taking the class, an ex-midwife with grown-up children of her own, telling us something along the lines of "one day, when your babies are still very small, they will cry so much and you will be so tired that you will think about any way to shut them up - I imagined throwing mine out of the window. Of course I never did, just shouted at them instead and walked away. Remember - that is normal."

The room was silent - of course we would never treat our lovely little as yet unborn babies that way. It really stuck in my mind, and it is so true. The crying and sleep deprivation can drive to the lowest ebb - we have all been there I promise. I shouted at my 3 yr-old and 17month old the other day. Not proud of it, I will feel guilty forever, I know I will do it again, but my closest couple of friends, the HONEST ones, all agree - we all lose it at some point. You are doing an incredibly hard job, please do not forget that, and I can tell that you love your baby so much. I'm sorry I can't be of any more practical help, just wanted to say you are not alone xxx

CM - I could have written your entire post.

My DS is nearly 9 months and just doesn't sleep either.

I was in tears the other night because my SIL was on the phone to my DS telling him that my 8 week old neice is sleeping through. It just seems so unfair!

I feel like I'm totally failing.I'm also making a complete ar*e of weaning as well.

BTW - I was told that babies who don't sleep are more intelligent than average .

Don't have much help to offer except to let you know that not everyone is sailing through motherhood.

Oh and I have screamed at my DS as well.

It is so tough having a young baby-lots of babies (most?) aren't sleeping through the night at 5 months. Personally both of mine were still waking a lot at 5 months. Sleep deprivation can make you feel like you are existing on another planet to the rest of the world sometimes.

I don't know about the friends who you meet up with but if they are antenatal friends you really don't know them that well yet as your babies are still young. By that I mean you maybe can't read each other that well yet or really know what makes each other tick. I still see some of my NCT friends, (our kids have just started school ) and we all say they we found it really tough when our children were tiny. I don't know how much we admitted that at the time. I was talking to a mum today while our daughters were at ballet about the sense of shock we had after having our girls. It can be lonely, exhausting and the sense of responsibility can sometimes feel almost overwhelming.

Could you maybe talk to a counsellor about how you are feeling? Maybe that would help.

You may not feel like reading about motherhood, but Anne Enright (who has just won the Booker prize which is what made me think of it), wrote a collection of essays on motherhood called 'Making Babies' and I remember reading that when my daughter was little and really identifying with the experiences she talks about. It is funny and sad but captures the conflicting emotions of early motherhood very well.

My baby hasn't stopped crying for about 3 days now. DH told me off last night because I suggested having him put to sleep like the cat as he so damn miserable. Now what sort of mother would say something like that about her tiny baby eh?

Well I'll tell you...the sort of mother who hasn't had a decent nights sleep for weeks and is in severe need of a break and some pampering!!!

Like the other posters have said, most of us (if not all) have been in similar situations to you. Please don't feel bad about losing it once in a while, sometimes motherhood makes you feel like you are fighting a losing battle (well in my house it does anyway!).

BTW I like to share my misery with the other mothers I know; I find that they are usually very supportive.