To think being drunk twice a week is too much?

[Poppy745]

My husband is mid 30s and he’s drunk twice a week, sometimes even three times a week.

We have a young family and although most mornings he does get up and help me with the kids, you can tell he’s hungover and is grumpy most of the time. He also doesn’t come to bed until 3/4am when he’s drinking so he doesn’t sleep for very long. He works away/works from home so this doesn’t affect his work.

I’m not a big drinker at all, I never drink at home, I only drink if there is an occasion like a wedding or party.. so I don’t actually know what is normal in regards to drinking.

He’s drunk again tonight and I just hate looking at him to be honest.

I should add it wouldn’t bother me if he had a few beers a couple nights a week, it’s a whole bottle of vodka he drinks each time.

Do you mean a full 1l bottle of spirits 2-3 times a week? That's about 120 units if alcohol and the weekly advised limit for an adult is 14 units. So I'm sorry to say he has a serious alcohol problem.

Last time I brought it up he explained that with alcohol he relaxes, and that I was basically mean for trying to take this time away from him

Mine said very similar. It's a bad sign that he knows he needs alcohol to relax and is OK with that. He's had alcohol misuse modelled to him as well. I'm with Lobsterquadrille - he's an alcoholic. You can't help him, you can only help yourself. Personally I would recommend leaving this relationship. I stayed in mine for far too long. My husband died alone in the flat he moved into once I finally acted, still drinking. He was 58.

I'm not sure what the NHS recommendation is for the number of times one should be drunk in a week.

But if you were drunk on Monday and Wednesday and Friday, that would be three times which I suspect is not a good thing however if you were drunk on Monday and stayed drunk until Friday then that would be only once and presumably much better!

When a person uses alcohol on a regular basis as an aid to relaxation and to change the way they feel, then they potentially have a serious problem. It’s really not about the quantities consumed (as that will steadily increase over time to ensure the same effect is felt).

OP, you need to research alcohol dependency to understand the implications of this situation.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

You need to confront your DH about his drinking (and ideally, you need to make him leave), because unless you take a stand he will continue to kid himself it’s perfectly normal and that he’s in control of his drinking because he doesn’t get drunk every night or whatever. But he’s already well down the slippery slope as he isn’t in control at all.

It will only get worse.

The relaxation is an easing of the need for alcohol.

Alcohol removes vitamin B from the system while seemingly relaxing us. So it is a vicious circle.

But what are you going to do about this, OP? You cannot change him, unfortunately.

I don't say this lightly but if this were my dh I would be considering leaving until he sorted himself out. That's an insane amount of alcohol. He has a serious drinking problem.

Do not facilitate him. Your poor kids.

So he drank about 500ml of vodka? That alone is 20 units of alcohol. I hope you dont let him drive your kids anywhere the next day or to be brutal you are as bad as he is.

@ScienceSensibility

How vile. I couldn’t bear this. I would lose all respect for a partner if they were like this, and once the respect has gone...

You say you can’t bear to look at him when he is in that state. I don’t blame you. This will be your one and only life, so either he gets help with his clear alcohol problem, or divorce him.

Children really suffer growing up in a house with an alcohol abuser for a parent.

All of what PPs have said is true, but worth emphasising is this: Children really suffer growing up in a house with an alcohol abuser for a parent.

My stepfather was an alcoholic. We had to grow up with a grumpy disengaged "parent" whose alcohol supplies came first, absolutely top priority over trivial, unimportant things like, for example, new school uniforms, family food, school trips.

We couldn't go on school trips because we couldn't afford them. So we had to stay in school when everyone else got to go. My school blouses were frayed at the cuffs and I couldn't bend my arm fully as the sleeves were too tight. There were rows about "luxury" food items (like Penguin biscuits) my mum bought in the weekly shop. We did not go to any clubs or activities and days out were very very rare. We spent hours in a playground next to the pub, and I don't mean like two hours, I mean more than six.

I have zero tolerance for alcoholics. ZERO. I don't care if people say "Oh, it's an illness, they can't help it" blah blah. I care only about the destruction left in their wake and the suffering of children who have no choice but to put up with this blighting their lives. You have a choice not to put up with this and you have a choice to not allow your children's lives to be damaged by it. Don't let it! They only get one chance at childhood. Put your children's best interests first!

OP, why do you believe he stays sober when he's away from home? I would think he'd be drinking more, then, because he wouldn't have anyone disapproving of it.

My exH drank after work every night. He was never home before 10pm and the early hours on a Friday night. My children grew up hearing him vomiting in the early hours and every weekend I took them out on my own as he was either sleeping it off or horribly hungover and bad tempered. I ended the relationship after he hit my daughter while drunk, about ten years later than I should have. Don't be like me.

Wouldn't be for me.

There is no point “bringing this up” with him OP. There is no way he thinks that’s healthy.
Consider Al Anon for you.
Normal drinking? Sometimes fancy a glass or two. Not sinking bottles like that.
And it doesn’t have to be daily. He feels he “needs” it to relax and blames you for trying to stop him.
He’s an alcoholic. You can’t change that.
Please put yourself and your kids first. Any NEVER let him drive you or the kids anywhere. One of those benders will take him over the limit the day after.