To think being drunk twice a week is too much?

[Poppy745]

My husband is mid 30s and he’s drunk twice a week, sometimes even three times a week.

We have a young family and although most mornings he does get up and help me with the kids, you can tell he’s hungover and is grumpy most of the time. He also doesn’t come to bed until 3/4am when he’s drinking so he doesn’t sleep for very long. He works away/works from home so this doesn’t affect his work.

I’m not a big drinker at all, I never drink at home, I only drink if there is an occasion like a wedding or party.. so I don’t actually know what is normal in regards to drinking.

He’s drunk again tonight and I just hate looking at him to be honest.

I should add it wouldn’t bother me if he had a few beers a couple nights a week, it’s a whole bottle of vodka he drinks each time.

Your drinking is normal
He's an alcoholic

That's a lot ,my DH drinks at the weekend but never enough to get drunk. I cut back when I was diagnosed with diabetes.. This year a friend of mine died from multiple organ failure caused by alcohol abuse.

If it’s a litre that’s 40 units in one sitting. If it’s 70cl it’s still about 28. That’s a huge amount in one sitting - the equivalent of about 3 bottles of wine. If he can function the next day at all, that’s quite remarkable and shows huge tolerance to alcohol.

He’s drunk again tonight and I just hate looking at him to be honest.

OP this is the most important point. Whether or not he meets the technical definition of an alcoholic (and I think he does) isn't relevant. What's relevant is that its ruining your relationship and you are losing respect and affection for him. That's enough. Even if he was drinking a quarter of that amount.

The definition of an alcohol problem is when your alcohol consumption has an impact on your life and your relationships.

I left my husband mainly because of his alcohol consumption. He was drinking slightly less than yours drinks. He didn't think his drinking was excessive but it was excessive for me and I knew I couldn't ever make peace with the amount he drank.

Have you raised it with him? I assume you have and he's said its not excessive...

He's certainly alcohol dependent, which is so bloody boring for everyone else. Plus it must be costing a fair bit, all that booze. He must feel like crap during the day, and he won't be safe to drive. He needs to want to stop, before something awful happens - you just don't know how happy you are until you're not.

That's a lot. My partner is the same - I'd call him (and he calls himself now, finally) a functioning alcoholic. He knows that he has to stop at some point, he's resigned to that, but is 'getting around to it'. Admitting it took years though, just to warn you. He's an intelligent man, with a responsible job, earns a LOT of money - hence the 'functioning' bit, but he's pissed a lot of the time. Lockdown/2020 in general has not helped.

My biggest issue is around how it's really boring.

Does he drink when he works away? Or is this his ‘off’ time and he thinks downing booze is him relaxing?

Either way it’s too much but if he’s one of those three weeks on, two weeks off, unfortunately many drink when they’re off.

So he drinks a bottle of vodka 3 nights a week, he's convinced himself that it doesn't affect his work, and since he's doing it at home and you don't drink, I can only assume that he's drinking alone?

He has a problem and he needs to seek help.

Don't live in denial. Your husband is an alcoholic, and this is going to get much, much worse unless you take very swift action now. His drinking should be a dealbreaker for you.

If he is drinking a whole bottle of vodka each time then this is serious problem drinking. He needs to address this.

The sight of a parent drunk or hungover is not something I would want for my children.

What does he say about his alcohol use and how it affects him and his family?

A bottle to suggests the 70cl one as 35cl is half a bottle. I was about to say yabu until I read the amounts he's drinking!

Once a week is too much. DH probably has one or two small beers a month. And probably one drunk night every 1-2 months.
I could not be arsed with a drunk husband 2 out of 7 nights.

That’s 40 units in one evening and 120 in a week.

How the duck is he still standing the next morning? I’d be more than hung over - I’d be throwing up out of my eyeballs for the next 18 hours or so.

He will be dead soon if he keeps it up

Firstly he isn't helping" with the kids, it's not your job that he helps with, it's just as much his so please don't see it as helping.

How much is he actually drinking?

If it's one or two drinks (I can get drunk off one beer ) I wouldn't be bothered EXCEPT for the fact he stays up so late and is drunk in the morning.

A whole bottle of vodka twice per week! . He’s an alcoholic. I thought you were going to say he has a few beers and gets tipsy on a fri/sat night. There’s absolutely nothing positive or enjoyable about downing a bottle of Vodka. His tolerance must be massive.

I should add it wouldn’t bother me if he had a few beers a couple nights a week, it’s a whole bottle of vodka he drinks each time.

I'd bet serious money he drinks almost every night. You just don't know about it.

*grumpy in the morning not drunk 🤦🏼‍♀️

Ok so I don't know how I missed about the bottle of vodka 3 times a week it will catch up with him.

Honestly OP - if you're willing to stick around while he overcomes addiction then know it's gonna be a hard road. But no one would blame you if you wanted to leave.

A whole bottle of vodka is definitely alcoholic territory.

How big is the bottle? Do you mean a 75cl one? If so, that's massively outside of normal. A whole bottle of vodka to yourself, on a regular basis is something only alcoholics do.

I'm really sorry to say it but alcoholism is a horrible disease. I've been known to drink heavily myself, but I watched a friend of mine descend into alcoholism over many years. He was a family friend and I was one of the last to stick by him as I'd known him so long. But he lost everything, he just couldn't leave the drink alone. Not only most of his friends but also his lovely wife and kids. It was a living nightmare for them. I'm in touch with his now ex-wife but I can't bare to be in the same room as him any more, he's put everyone through so much, I can't imagine now his ex-wife feels.

The worst thing abotu alcoholism is you really can't cure them. Love doesn't conquer all. The alcoholic has to want to give up, and they have to seek professional help.

If your husband doesn't accept it's an issue, then he's a long way from kicking the habit and I really think you need to start making plans to leave. You might not be ready to take that step yet, but I would advise at least starting to think through the practicalities.

That's 30 units 2 or 3 times a week. Compared to the 14 units we're supposed to keep within. He has a problem, and aside from his family life, he's screwing up his health in a big way.

What happens if he has a few days off drinking? Can he even do that?

3 bottles of vodka a week?! And that’s only the alcohol you know about.

That’s a shed load of alcohol.

That is far too much. A bottle of vodka in one go?

and they have to seek professional help

Not necessarily. Some people can find their own motivation.