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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think being drunk twice a week is too much?

112 replies

Poppy745 · 15/11/2020 21:14

My husband is mid 30s and he’s drunk twice a week, sometimes even three times a week.

We have a young family and although most mornings he does get up and help me with the kids, you can tell he’s hungover and is grumpy most of the time. He also doesn’t come to bed until 3/4am when he’s drinking so he doesn’t sleep for very long. He works away/works from home so this doesn’t affect his work.

I’m not a big drinker at all, I never drink at home, I only drink if there is an occasion like a wedding or party.. so I don’t actually know what is normal in regards to drinking.

He’s drunk again tonight and I just hate looking at him to be honest.

I should add it wouldn’t bother me if he had a few beers a couple nights a week, it’s a whole bottle of vodka he drinks each time.

OP posts:

longwigglylines · 15/11/2020 22:19

if you're willing to stick around while he overcomes addiction then know it's gonna be a hard road

It's not just the OP, she has DC too. It's not fair to make them have to live through it. Unless the husband knows he's an alcoholic and is managing to seek help while keeping it away form the DC somehow. But that's fairy land - sounds like the guy hasn't even admitted it's a problem. He's a long way off recovery.

longwigglylines · 15/11/2020 22:21

Some people can find their own motivation

OK, yes, fair enough. I managed to quit alcoholic levels of drinking (not as bad as the OP''s H) because I ended up in an abusive relationship with a guy who was violent when pissed, so that was quite a significant motivation to give up I guess.

But, I really don't want the OP to fall down the trap I did, of thinking you can help your partner give up. You really can't, it has to come from them. And they need to be making the effort to give up. You really can't do it for them.

ScienceSensibility · 15/11/2020 22:22

How vile. I couldn’t bear this. I would lose all respect for a partner if they were like this, and once the respect has gone...

You say you can’t bear to look at him when he is in that state. I don’t blame you. This will be your one and only life, so either he gets help with his clear alcohol problem, or divorce him.

Children really suffer growing up in a house with an alcohol abuser for a parent.

namechangealerttt · 15/11/2020 22:22

I am finally splitting with my husband after 15 years of marriage - he finally quit drinking this year, but the damage was done years ago.

You don't get to spend time together as a couple when they stay up drinking, they are grumpy and disengaged the next day, performance in the bedroom affected on the few number of times we did attempt any sort of intimacy. But the worst for me was the denial, he didn't have a problem, everything else around him was a problem...geez, writing that down I should have left years ago.

Goldencurtain · 15/11/2020 22:26

He 'helps' you with the kids.

Reverse that statement. Would he say you help him with the kids? You are living a sexist nightmare with an alcoholic.

MouseholeCat · 15/11/2020 22:26

This is problem drinking and it is likely it will increase from here. This has become the baseline. Extra nights will start getting added in for "special" occasions or bad days, then they become the norm too.

You can't really change them and confrontation only works in a very slim set of circumstances. Educate and protect yourself. Draw your boundaries but always follow through with them. Al Anon have good resources, but there are plenty of other options out there.

I'm really sorry this is happening, OP.

thepeopleversuswork · 15/11/2020 22:27

Some people can find their own motivation

Some people can, but that's a pretty big "if". And one the OP isn't in control of. And, by the way, there are children involved and the OP has a responsibility to protect them from this.

OP you haven't said to what extent you've discussed this and made your feelings clear to him. I'm going to assume that, like most alcoholics, he's in denial and doesn't think he has a problem.

You have to take control of the situation and leave, I'm afraid. Unless he is incredibly committed to stopping drinking, he won't. And it doesn't sound as if he's anywhere near that point.

Sorry to be so black and white but alcoholics will put this off until they absolutely have to face it and you can't afford to hang around for this to happen.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2020 22:29

If he’s genuinely drinking a whole bottle of vodka then he’s an alcoholic. You’d need to be, to be able to tolerate that. It would have violently ill and likely in hospital, if not dead.

So I think you’re in a difficult position, as he is an alcoholic. Are you sure he only does this two or three times a week? That he doesn’t drink in secret?

Walkaround · 15/11/2020 22:39

A bottle of vodka in one sitting would kill most people. He’s an alcoholic.

Sertchgi123 · 15/11/2020 22:39

No way should he be getting drunk at all, with kids in the house. It’s bad for him, you and the children. 💐

Bagamoyo1 · 15/11/2020 22:48

He’s an alcoholic. No question about it.

Cccc1111 · 15/11/2020 22:54

Is there something going on In his life he’s not telling you, Or he’s really worried about, that he’s trying to use alcohol to block out thinking about?

Also drinking that much he’s really putting himself at risk of pancreatitis - have been around someone with it, It’s very very painful, and can be dangerous.

Winebottle · 15/11/2020 23:03

70cl isn't a crazy amount for a full sized man to drink. Obviously, it is way above what is recommended and very unhealthy but it's ridiculous to say it would kill most people. It's about 26 units which is about 2.5 bottles of wine or 10 pints which is a large amount but not uncommon for an average binge drinker.

Original poster

Poppy745 · 15/11/2020 23:05

Sorry I should have specified the size of bottle, it’s a 70cl bottle. He will easily finish that in 1 night, sometimes there will be a very small amount left in the bottom of the bottle. So far tonight he has had a 35cl, 2 beers and 2 very large grey goose from left over bottles.

I would have considered his father a functioning alcoholic (up until a year ago when he was diagnosed with cancer and hasn’t touched a drop since), he drank most nights (vodka and rose wine mixed) 😷 but as my husband only drinks 2, 3 max nights per week can this still be classed as an alcoholic? I’m not sticking up for him in the slightest but I thought an alcoholic is someone who can’t go a day without alcohol. Again I really don’t know much about normal/abnormal drinking habits so would very much like to hear experiences from other people.

My fear is my kids growing up watching him thinking drinking this amount is normal, probably like what he had watching his father.

He says he rarely drinks when he is away, but how am I supposed to know, I don’t have someone following him.

I’ve mentioned in the past how I’m fed up of the drinking, once he was home for 30 days from work and was drunk 12 out of those 30 days. He eventually cut down to one night a week and he wanted me to actually be impressed, impressed that he was only drunk on a Saturday night. That never lasted long and has crept up again.

I’m in bed trying to sleep and he’s making a noise walking around, loud TV, up and down the stairs for a drink... I’m just fed up

OP posts:

essexmum777 · 15/11/2020 23:12

Why is he so stressed/unhappy that he is self-medicating?

GivingItAMiss · 15/11/2020 23:13

OP you don't need to drink every day to be an alcoholic. You need to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and not be able to stop drinking once you've started. You need to be affecting your relationships.
He's all of those things and take it from someone who has been where you are, it will not improve.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 15/11/2020 23:16

I’m no expert, but I also think he’s a functioning alcoholic. Two bottles of vodka a week is frightening.

He needs to get help before it seriously affects his health. Thx m so sorry, OP. 💐

TatianaBis · 15/11/2020 23:18

but I thought an alcoholic is someone who can’t go a day without alcohol

In all the time you’ve been with him you’ve never googled ‘alcoholic’?

Bagamoyo1 · 15/11/2020 23:18

What makes you think he doesn’t drink when he’s working away?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/11/2020 23:21

@TatianaBis

but I thought an alcoholic is someone who can’t go a day without alcohol

In all the time you’ve been with him you’ve never googled ‘alcoholic’?

Unfair. There is physical alcoholism, basically being under the influence at all times, and a 70cl bottle of vodka every night would do that. And there is psychological addiction, also referred to as alcoholism colloquially and increasingly.

If he's drinking 70cl of vodka when he's at home, he's probably drinking when he's away. And may well be physically addicted, in which case he does need professional help to stop.

Either way, leave, it's not worth it.

thelonggame · 15/11/2020 23:21

Why is he so stressed/unhappy that he is self-medicating?

because he's an alcoholic

Coyoacan · 15/11/2020 23:24

Alcoholism takes many forms, OP.

I used to drink about 200 mls of rum a night, which is comparatively little, but I found it really hard to stop.

You won't be able to make his stop either.

nanbread · 15/11/2020 23:33

That's a dangerous and very unhealthy amount of alcohol to be drinking. I would be really concerned about the longer term health effects (and I say this as someone who used to drink a lot - but still nowhere as much as that). He's almost certainly over the limit well into the next day too.

Does he drink beers etc the other days too?

sadie9 · 15/11/2020 23:57

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

PersonaNonGarter · 16/11/2020 00:01

You need al-anon.

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