To think being drunk twice a week is too much?

[Poppy745]

My husband is mid 30s and he’s drunk twice a week, sometimes even three times a week.

We have a young family and although most mornings he does get up and help me with the kids, you can tell he’s hungover and is grumpy most of the time. He also doesn’t come to bed until 3/4am when he’s drinking so he doesn’t sleep for very long. He works away/works from home so this doesn’t affect his work.

I’m not a big drinker at all, I never drink at home, I only drink if there is an occasion like a wedding or party.. so I don’t actually know what is normal in regards to drinking.

He’s drunk again tonight and I just hate looking at him to be honest.

I should add it wouldn’t bother me if he had a few beers a couple nights a week, it’s a whole bottle of vodka he drinks each time.

I think he is drinking every single day he is away from home and actually drinks more than when he has that freedom when he does when he's with you.

Bloody hell. Agree, alcoholic.
Does he admit he has a problem OP?

A whole bottle of vodka 2-3 times a week is horrific. He needs help.

As a parent, I might enjoy a glass of something once or twice a week but I am cautious incase anything happened and I needed to get my DD to hospital. I wouldn't even drink a bottle of wine to myself sat at home let alone a bottle of vodka. I am personally a gin drinker but I haven't even gotten through one bottle this entire year. And it's 2020!

A whole bottle is more than being drunk

I probably get drunk twice a week but nowhere near on that scale

OP The barely drinks when away is a either (a) a massive insult or (b) horse shit. FWIW I’m betting the latter.

He knows you are or have been concerned about his drinking. Despite this and despite him seemingly thinking his drinking is not problematic, he says that chooses to drink more around you than he does when away. Sounds pretty implausible, right? Unless of course he’s not in control of his drinking.

IMO that is way too much a week. During the summer my husband was doing the same every weekend (when camping) and it reached a boiling point.. I couldn’t do that all year.

It is normal in lots of homes personally it would drive me bonkers for a few reasons, he'd stink if you're sober for starters nevermind how selfish it is.
Countless men think they deserve nights off for hobbies including a drink it's nice for them they can just shut off from the mental load.

could you send an message to your GP and ask for advice with this.
it is very harmful.
good luck OP.

A whole bottle of vodka all to himself. Flipping heck OP you are married to an alcoholic. If he carries on like this he will get liver disease. I had a friend who died because he drank far too much. He started with just drinking at weekends or when he went out but soon moved on to drinking at home one night, then 2 then 3 then before long almost every night. He sweated whisky. He drank of it. If he went for more than a day without alcohol his hands shook and he sweated. He died in hospital waiting for a liver transplant. He had 2 children under 8 years old. His wife divorced him the year before he died so in the end he died alone. Talk to your DH and tell him you are worried by the amount he drinks. Ask if he will cut back for all your sales, including his own.

Don't let him drive you or the kids anywhere ever.

If his father was an alcoholic then he grew up watching his father drinking. There is also supposed to be a genetic link in alcoholism and in addictions in general. I would leave so his children don't have to grow up watching their father drunk. Don't let him drive them anywhere as drinking that amount of alcohol will mean it is still in his body most.of the time.

YOU DON'T 'NEED' TO LOOK AT HIM THO. Why waste years of your life YOU WILL REGRET IT. Sorry OP I'd walk. I presume he wasn't like that before you had kids else you wouldn't have kids with him.

The NHS recommend we consume no more than 14 units of alcohol per week. The average 70cl bottle of vodka equates to 28 units, so he could be having between 56 to 84. Way too much.

In respect of whether he is an alcoholic, carefully consider the diagnostic criteria and see what you think:

*"The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-5) changed from differentiating Alcohol Abuse and Alcohol Dependence to a single category of Alcohol Use Disorder. DSM-5 criteria are as follows:

A maladaptive pattern of substance use leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by 2 or more of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

Alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended.

There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use.

A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol, use alcohol, or recover from its effects.

Craving, or a strong desire or urge to use alcohol.

Recurrent alcohol use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home.

Continued alcohol use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of alcohol.

Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of alcohol use.

Recurrent alcohol use in situations in which it is physically hazardous.

Alcohol use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by alcohol.

Tolerance, as defined by either of the following:

A need for markedly increased amounts of alcohol to achieve intoxication or desired effect.

A markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of alcohol.

Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:

The characteristic withdrawal syndrome for alcohol

Alcohol (or a closely related substance, such as a benzodiazepine) is taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms."*

YANBU OP. I was imagining something like a bottle of wine twice a week, not litres of vodka!

On that note - surely this is also costing your family an absolute fortune? Grey Goose is £35 a bottle or so. Such selfish behaviour.

To help you with the "is he an alcoholic" question...

Start with the number of recommended units a week for men (14).. Now I think that's probably a little low to qualify as alcoholic but is a starting point.

1 unit of alcohol in 25ml vodka, so in a bottle thats 28 units in a 70cl bottle. 3 times a week = 84 units.

Alcoholism can present in a number of ways and binge drinking (which this is) is one way it presents.

Why is it so important for you whether he is 'an alcoholic' or not? What's wrong with saying he drinks far too much to be healthy and it's impacting negatively on your life?

The name 'alcoholic' is subjective. Some take it to mean physical addiction, others psychological. I suggest you take less notice of what his issue is called, and focus on solutions.

Does he admit he has a problem? If not, and you've got to the stage where you hate looking at him, you're not dealing with 'Is he drinking too much?', you're dealing with 'My relationship is over.'

If it's important to have a label, I'd definitely say he's an alcoholic. Alcoholism has a wide spectrum - some people in AA managed to keep it controlled to an extent in that they drank from 12pm, or 6pm, or only on certain days of the week. It's progressive though, often unpredictable, absolutely echo PPs who say that stopping is within the control of the alcoholic - and nobody else - and they can only do that once they accept there's a problem.

It's not unheard of quantities of alcohol but does indicate tolerance built up over a considerable period of time.

It’s not important to have a label to me, I just wanted to know if people thought this was too much alcohol and to hear stories from other people.

There was 3 x 70cl bottles in the cupboard last night with around 1/2 drinks in each one left and I’ve woke up this morning and they don’t have a drop left in them, this is after having his 35cl last night too (he only bought a 35cl because he told me he thought he had more vodka at home) so last night he had less than normal.

It’s a conversation I’m going to be having with him today. Last time I brought it up he explained that with alcohol he relaxes, and that I was basically mean for trying to take this time away from him.

What the heck, being drunk twice a YEAR would be too much for me. Crazy amount or alcohol too.

Given that the body takes 1 hour to deal with each unit (roughly), he's unlikely to be clear of it for very long at a time.

That's why I was asking what he's like if he doesn't have a drink, OP. Does he get anxious/shaky/sweaty, if he has to delay starting to drink for longer than he wants to?

Your latest update is very telling. We have a saying: one drink is too many and a thousand not enough. Once you start, there simply isn't an off switch and to me, that differentiates an alcoholic from a normal drinker. We justify and make every excuse under the sun before we admit to it. He may say that he "chooses" to drink rather than "needing" it, all lies too. Now that you are aware and questioning him, he may become more secretive and hide bottles.

I've been in AA for many years and would suggest that you try Al-Anon. You will find support there and people who have been in your situation.

I’d say he’s an all alcoholic, because in no way can it be enjoyable to drink a bottle of vodka alone while your unhappy wife sleeps upstairs and you feel unwell and bad tempered the whole of the next day, yet he still does it 2-3 times a week. His liver will already be damaged - there will come a point where that damage is irreversible.

He's an alcoholic. It will get worse and already will have, you just haven't noticed or mentioned it. He'll have started out at one bottle a week, maybe being drunk once a week and on a weekend so it's not as bad. Now it's increased.

It will eventually start affecting his work if it already hasn't. It's affecting his family life, your kids will be noticing this.

He either gets help or he leaves. I wouldn't put up with this, eventually he'll be draining you all dry of money for his problem.

Last time I brought it up he explained that with alcohol he relaxes, and that I was basically mean for trying to take this time away from him.

That right there proves its alcoholism. He needs it to function. Without it, he can't relax. He can relax, he just needs to be shown different ways, he does not need alcohol for that.

Last time I brought it up he explained that with alcohol he relaxes, and that I was basically mean for trying to take this time away from him

Also, he leaves you with 2 options here: Codependent, or mean. Which would you prefer to be?

I'd be going for option 3: Gone.