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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is it ever OK to give out to other people's children

120 replies

Babysharksmom · 15/11/2020 16:06

OK so just to set the background I'm not really fond of SIL but she came to my house recently with another nephew. She proceeded to give out to my child as he 'wasn't sharing' a particular toy with other nephew. In fact he was but that's besides the point. She said 'Ds1 share with nephew "Fucked me right off and now I feel annoyed for not saying piss off and mind your own business and don't feel the need to discipline my child.

Is it OK to discipline another child in said child's parents presence?

What do I say if it happens again

OP posts:
BlazeMonsterMachine · 15/11/2020 18:16

Interesting how one parent thinks that there was sharing and the other thinks that there wasn't....

Who's to say who was "right" and "wrong" in that situation.

As for disciplining chdren, I agree with previous posters about what you mean. Giving guidance is fine. Telling other people's children to go sit on the naughty step not fine (assuming the parent is around).

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 15/11/2020 18:17

How did she think your son wasn’t sharing if he was? If you saw that she got it wrong and told your child off, I’d have told her that she got it wrong. It doesn’t sound like she ‘disciplined’ him though if she only said ‘share with nephew’. But I’d have corrected her just because it’s important things are fair for children.

You’ve said you’re not fond of her so that’s the issue. If it was someone you liked, it maybe wouldn’t have annoyed you.

HomeSchoolerNewbie · 15/11/2020 18:18

Are you more annoyed with yourself for not speaking up, than her for giving out?

VettiyaIruken · 15/11/2020 18:18

So two adults watched the same interaction. One saw sharing and the other did not.

What were the children actually doing? I mean specifically - eg my son was holding the car and the other child was putting a bridge in front of it...

silentpool · 15/11/2020 18:24

Where I come from, all adults will take an authoritative position with a child and will correct bad behaviour (verbally). It was quite common for that to occur and I don't have an issue with it. I will also correct my nieces and nephews. But I don't undermine their parents. If the kids are acting out of turn, I will correct them. But that is very culturally accepted and there are no raised voices involved. I think some parents are too precious about this.

eeyore228 · 15/11/2020 18:33

I think disciplining another child is a line for some people. It totally depends on the situation. There was a lad who decided to cross the road on a roundabout. I watched the first time with my heart in my mouth when I realised what he was doing, I spoke to a teacher at the school he was on route to and they said they would speak to him. The following week he did it again and a car had to slam on its breaks and swerve to miss him, again reported. On Monday I watched him approach and my friend said to me ‘oh my god he’s going to cross there again’. I assured he wasn’t, as he got closer I shouted across the road to use to crossing 30 seconds away and not to dare crossing where he was. He promptly turned a sharp 90 degrees and told me ‘ I wasn’t’. Clearly he was and I don’t regret shouting because if that was my child I would hope someone would do the same. Sometimes it’s needed, plus there are a number of parents who literally ignore what their kids do and I get fed up of my kids being hurt or scared because of another parents refusal to do their job.

oakleaffy · 15/11/2020 18:35

@Twillow

Telling off someone else's child nowadays is a very touchy area - it used to be fairly routine and if you found out your child had been told off by someone else you'd give the child another telling off for embarrassing you! I do wonder if this is a factor in the decline of children's' behaviour.

I'm not that old either!

Agree totally. I have never heard the strange expression 'Giving out'' before...and thought it meant the same as ''Putting out''...EG, Flirting!
toomuchpeppapig · 15/11/2020 18:50

Why didn't you tell her then and there that he was sharing and she didn't need to tell him off? Surely that would have been the easiest solution...?

Saxineno · 15/11/2020 18:52

I wouldn't care less if family asked my child nicely to share better.

LizzieAnt · 15/11/2020 20:04

I have never heard the strange expression 'Giving out'' before...and thought it meant the same as ''Putting out''...EG, Flirting!

It's used all the time in Ireland - personally I never say 'telling off' or 'scold' - those expressions/words aren't widely used here - it's always 'giving out'. It's a direct translation from a phrase in the Irish language.

If someone's really cross they'll be 'giving out mad'. It definitely does not mean flirting! Smile

LizaE · 15/11/2020 23:06

Would you want her to intervene if your kid was about to run into a road or touch a fire etc?

If so, get over yourself op 🙄

BackforGood · 15/11/2020 23:27

YABU and over dramatic.
From what you've written, she hasn't disciplined your child at all, or told them off or 'given out' (if I've understood the meaning of that correctly). She's reminded him about sharing.
As others have said, sometimes people use the word 'sharing' differently. Most children can't actually share until they get to about 7 or 8 - the word 'sharing' if often used when 'turn taking' is what is meant. If one of you thinks he was turn taking and one thinks he wasn't them I'm guessing this was about not handing over the thing the minute the other wanted it.

However, yes, as a general rule I would expect my sister, brother, SiLs or BiLs to speak up / intervene if small children were playing and still learning how to negotiate turn taking. Of course I would.

I suspect the fact you clearly don't like your SiL is completely clouding your judgement.

jessstan1 · 16/11/2020 15:38

@LizzieAnt

I have never heard the strange expression 'Giving out'' before...and thought it meant the same as ''Putting out''...EG, Flirting!

It's used all the time in Ireland - personally I never say 'telling off' or 'scold' - those expressions/words aren't widely used here - it's always 'giving out'. It's a direct translation from a phrase in the Irish language.

If someone's really cross they'll be 'giving out mad'. It definitely does not mean flirting! Smile

Is the op from Ireland? I've never heard the expression here in England.

Op, your sister in law obviously saw, or thought she saw, something that you did not but I doubt she has given it another thought, neither should you. Storm in a teacup, certainly not sufficient for you to say, "F*** me right off", especially with a family member. Honestly!

If that is the worst you and your child ever experience you'll be very lucky. Chill. Kids pick up on heir parents' bad temper.

BubblyBarbara · 16/11/2020 17:48

Even in England we have the phrase don't give it out if you can't take it. It's not a stretch to see how giving out could mean having a go at someone

Tadpolesandfroglets · 17/11/2020 07:32

It’s ‘don’t give it if you can’t take it’ which means giving criticism, which I’m sure she wasn’t doing in this context.I’ve never heard of ‘giving out’.... Could mean shouting, just reprimanding or smacking/disciplining but not entirely sure which....and all are very different.

CircusPolly · 17/11/2020 07:33

YABU and ridiculous

Scarby9 · 17/11/2020 07:40

Why are people still being surprised and acting confused about the phrase 'giving out' after all these posts?
If the meaning wasn't obvious from the context in the OP, then multiple subsequent posters have explaoned the Irish origin.
I'm afraid that for me YABU. She was merely directing him, not having a go.
Having said that, I would - and do - both direct and tell other people's children off if necessary. But then I am a teacher and it now comes naturally!

Christmasmorale · 17/11/2020 09:45

Your SIL wasn’t disciplining your child, she was helping him play.

If your SIL mistakenly encouraged him to share when he already was doing so, you simply should have acknowledged this at the time by saying “yes well done for sharing DS- I can see you’ve been sharing so nicely today”.

This definitely does not warrant being annoyed. Just be less passive and adjust your definition of discipline because this example is not it.

To answer your original question - I think it’s ok to discipline another child if the other parent doesn’t mind - OR if that child is putting another child, an animal or themselves in danger.

Christmasmorale · 17/11/2020 09:50

@toomuchpeppapig

Why didn't you tell her then and there that he was sharing and she didn't need to tell him off? Surely that would have been the easiest solution...?
But even this is too strong. The SIL wasn’t telling OP’s child off. She was asking him to share.

If OP had said what you suggested she’d be teaching her child that any adult that makes suggestions to him or gives play directions is “telling him off” - and therefore being unreasonable.

That’s a heavy burden to put on a child especially since they’ll need to learn to take direction well in school.

ReneeRol · 17/11/2020 11:27

It's fine if another child is attacking yours. Other then that, I'd pay no attention to them, they're the parents responsibility.

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