AIBU or is it ever OK to give out to other people's children

[Babysharksmom]

OK so just to set the background I'm not really fond of SIL but she came to my house recently with another nephew. She proceeded to give out to my child as he 'wasn't sharing' a particular toy with other nephew. In fact he was but that's besides the point. She said 'Ds1 share with nephew "Fucked me right off and now I feel annoyed for not saying piss off and mind your own business and don't feel the need to discipline my child.

Is it OK to discipline another child in said child's parents presence?

What do I say if it happens again

@BaylisAndHardon

I also have no idea what giving out means. From the context I assume discipline or tell off.

She wasn't disciplining him. She was, as PP say, encouraging him to share.

You sound like you are being very precious. Your son should be able to respect and take basic polite instructions from an extended family member in your presence without it being a big drama. These might include: 'don't pour your own juice', or 'don't draw on the table'. Or 'you've had your turn, now it's Sally's turn'

If your son will only take instructions from you, and he sees you making an issue about instructions from others, then you are both going to be in for a miserable time when he goes to school.

Its not her place to tell someone's child to share. If mom thought he needed to share she would have told them. SIL overstepped by telling a child to share when the child was already sharing.

Obviously you dont like her so looking to find fault.

Reminding kids to share isn’t telling them off? It sounds fine to me, not sure why you are so mad

Its not her place to tell someone's child to share. If mom thought he needed to share she would have told them. SIL overstepped by telling a child to share when the child was already sharing.

'Aunt tells child to share' is hardly threadworthy though is it?

Are you always prone to such drama, OP? 🙄

Give out means something very different to me.

I tell other people’s children to share and stop their behaviour if poor. I’m always polite but firm. Perhaps she did it because you didn’t (and perhaps should have?).

Depends your view on sharing, Id have said X doesn't have to share if he doesn't want but he knows that if he doesn't he can't expect other children to share with him.

YABU, she only reminded him to share

I suppose in that situation I’d probably address them collectively ‘boys make sure you’re sharing/it’s time to tidy up/no smoking inside’ etc

@superram

I tell other people’s children to share and stop their behaviour if poor. I’m always polite but firm. Perhaps she did it because you didn’t (and perhaps should have?).

Why do you make other people's children's behaviour your business, what is it to do with you?

In all my years of parenting I've never found the need to take on that role, I don't care is someone else's child doesn't share, why would I?

I believe it takes a village to raise a child. I tell other people’s children off and have thanked other parents for telling mine off....if I’m not there or don’t see the deed of course it’s fine. Even if I am there it’s fine.

Its not ok for her to punish your son but it's fine to ask your son to share. (Whether or not the request is fair is hard to say as we don't know if it's a box of Lego or a favourite toy car )

Not all parents will intervene when their child could so with a gentle telling off. )I'm not saying this is the case with you necessarily but it's the reason why it's ok to say something.)

I understand it's a touchy subject, but honestly your child is going to be told off for minor things by lots of different adults all through their childhood: grandparents, babysitters, nursery staff, teachers, swimming instructors, sports coaches, scout or guide leaders... the list goes on. I can't be bothered with the attitude that nobody but the parent can say anything even slightly critical to a child.

It's important to take concerns of a child seriously if they truly believe an injustice has occurred, but it sounds like you were much more affected by this than your child was.

How will he learn otherwise? It’s not exactly telling off, it’s asking him to share. I live in a village, everyone steps in with other people’s kids if they think they are being out of order and I don’t mind a bit, unless it was totally uncalled for or unfair.

Why do you make other people's children's behaviour your business, what is it to do with you?

You've never stood near the slide and had to remind the children to take turns or wait until previous child has left before next child slides down? Sometimes a gentle reminder from an adult is needed to keep things calm and fair. I'd have no problem with a stranger reminding my kids to take turn or wait a second before sliding down

That's hardly disciplining your child, she told him to share. I would have no problem telling my nieces or nephews to share with their parents sitting there.

"DS1 share with nephew" is too blunt (where's the please for a start?) so the tone would grate on me.

Asking a child to share isn't disciplining them. She's not telling them off just asking them to share. If my child wasn't sharing I'd have no problem with someone asking him too

I tell other children off and have no problem with other people telling mine off. I have even told random children off if they are being mean to my children and their parents don't step in. I have a good relationship with my friends children and my nephews and nieces because they know we'll have fun but I won't stand for them being mean to each other.
Although I agree this doesn't sound like a telling off just a reminder to share.

I didn't realise till now that 'give out' was an Irish expression! Yes, totally common phrase in Ireland!

Asking a child isn’t discipline, its reminding them of basic manners, if the other adult failed to do that then I would step in and say it.

Your SIL is your DC’s aunt, not some random person

As such, why wouldn’t you think she has your child’s interest at heart and is guiding him?

If she says it again ... agree with her! Children do need guidance and to respect adults/not play off against them

I have an enormous family (lots of DNs): no one would think anything of this. Sounds like you are letting dislike colour your thinking

Actual discipline (consequences): best left to parents but other relatives do need to be able to say something up when needed

Depends how close you are to said child but as long as it's not shouting more of reminding them of manners etc. I don't think it does children any harm to be reminded by others how to behave however I'm a firm believer that you need to actively love the child and treat them nice 99% of the time with the odd discipline reminder when needed

I have a slightly different take on it. If a child is playing with their own toy in their own house and they don't want to hand it over to a visitor, then as far as I'm concerned, that is fine. They shouldn't have to.

A child visiting someone else's house has to learn to respect other people's property and to ask before taking. Sometimes they will be told no. Tough. It's character-building.

I think it’s fine if they genuinely do need telling.