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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is it ever OK to give out to other people's children

120 replies

Babysharksmom · 15/11/2020 16:06

OK so just to set the background I'm not really fond of SIL but she came to my house recently with another nephew. She proceeded to give out to my child as he 'wasn't sharing' a particular toy with other nephew. In fact he was but that's besides the point. She said 'Ds1 share with nephew "Fucked me right off and now I feel annoyed for not saying piss off and mind your own business and don't feel the need to discipline my child.

Is it OK to discipline another child in said child's parents presence?

What do I say if it happens again

OP posts:
LauraBassi · 15/11/2020 16:50

Depends.

There clearly is a back story here.

If it was a close friend who I knew well and liked I’d know it was coming from a ‘guiding’ place.

If it came from some one who was an arse and I didn’t like it would really grind my gears.

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 15/11/2020 16:50

I always gently chastised my nieces and nephews and my family also chastised my DSs.

Perfectly normal in families who spend a lot of time together. Daft to wait and say "Sis in law, X isn't sharing. " Sounds like kids telling tales.

We used to all go on holiday together so we all knew each other well.

PawPawNoodle · 15/11/2020 16:53

I tell my neighbours children off all the time, if their parents don't like it then they should spend more time supervising them so I don't need to.

In your situation she wasn't disciplining your child but rather giving them.an instruction. If he was already sharing then happy days. If I was your SIL and you told me to fuck off on the back of it I'd think you were an absolute dickhead and would be off my Christmas list.

Mo81 · 15/11/2020 16:54

I have a large family and we are all very comfortable with telling each others kids off when appropriate.i wouldnt of batted an eyelid over this.

Sparklfairy · 15/11/2020 16:54

@FippertyGibbett

Give out means something very different to me.
What, like 'put out'? Wink
HughGrantsHair · 15/11/2020 16:54

What's wrong with gently reminding a child to behave? I sat with my niece today and if I hadn't have told her not to tip all her toys out and throw all the cushions on the floor in her living room while my sister was in the kitchen, the room would be trashed.

FilthyforFirth · 15/11/2020 16:54

Lots of nieces and nephews on my side of the family. We all tell each others off if and when the need arises. I am happy with siblings telling DS off and I am comfortable telling theirs off.

DH's side on the other hand...

Nottherealslimshady · 15/11/2020 16:55

She asked your son to share with her son. Maybe she wouldn't have had to if you had?
You dont sound particularly nice.

satnighttakeaway · 15/11/2020 16:57

@TicTacTwo

Why do you make other people's children's behaviour your business, what is it to do with you?

You've never stood near the slide and had to remind the children to take turns or wait until previous child has left before next child slides down? Sometimes a gentle reminder from an adult is needed to keep things calm and fair. I'd have no problem with a stranger reminding my kids to take turn or wait a second before sliding down

It's a while since my DC were young enough to go to playgrounds but no, I'm pretty sure Ive over done that, I'd have taken my children to play on something else in that situation and explained why so they knew what was wrong with the behaviour of the other child

I never saw it as my place to expect random children to abide by the rules I choose for mine.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/11/2020 16:58

" If a child is playing with their own toy in their own house and they don't want to hand it over to a visitor, then as far as I'm concerned, that is fine."

I don't even have children, but this strikes me as odd. Similar to having a cup of tea in front of a visitor and not offering them one.

Sceptre86 · 15/11/2020 17:00

I really don't understand why you are being so pervious when she is your child's aunt? You sound like you don't like her and that is clouding your judgement. I always tell my nephew to share and quite frankly if his mum doesn't like it she can take him home. Her child is expected to play with my kids toys and they do share, if my son is not I will tell him and I don't mind if anyone else does too. If a toy is very precious then I would expect it to be put out of sight.

Littleposh · 15/11/2020 17:02

She asked your kid to share and you're sulking??

YABU

GeorgiaGirl52 · 15/11/2020 17:02

@Nottherealslimshady

She asked your son to share with her son. Maybe she wouldn't have had to if you had? You dont sound particularly nice.
She is his aunt after all - not some stranger on the playground.
Reborn2020 · 15/11/2020 17:03

Just WOW

"Fucked me right off and now I feel annoyed for not saying piss off and mind your own business and don't feel the need to discipline my child."

I feel really sorry for the children.

jessstan1 · 15/11/2020 17:04

'Give out' is an alien term to me. Do give over.

Suzi888 · 15/11/2020 17:05

@StanfordPines

If she had said ‘Connor, can you please share the toy and let Oscar have a turn’, then fine. If she said ‘Connor, stop that at once and go to the naughty step’ then unless he had been actually hurting another child and the parent hadn’t seen it, then not fine.
Agree with this.
InTheLongGrass · 15/11/2020 17:05

Yes, I most definitely tell other peoples kids off. Not usually if their parents are about tho.
Last week I told the kids who had taken a school bag off a sobbing child and were trying to stuff it in the bin that they weren't being very nice and needed to hand the bag back. Why would I walk past that?

That said, telling your nephew to share might well not be disciplining - it depends on the tone. But I get the impression you are not that fond of SiL, which might affect how you feel about her actions.

Beamur · 15/11/2020 17:07

I will (mildly) tell off another child. Once or twice I have actually been quite forthright, shall we say - I contacted friend afterwards to clear the air and they were fine about it. Child was being quite challenging and she said it was helpful that someone else tool them to task
Sharing though, I'm not sure we should always ask kids to share. It depends on the item. A precious toy, maybe not. I think it is ok to have things that are just yours.

Original poster
Babysharksmom · 15/11/2020 17:08

Funny the amount of people that come on to bash the Op on MN. Some of you skipped over my actual point. My child WAS Sharing. He was in my full view. She got it wrong then told him to share.

I have zero problems with my children being disciplined where they need to be disciplined. I do take exception to someone who tells them do something even though they are actually doing it.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 15/11/2020 17:08

I think it’s ok to tell off other peoples children if they are doing something awful and the parent isn’t intervening.

For example, when my dd was a toddler, she was playing with a toy at baby group, when two girls wanted it.

They cornered her and attempted to snatch it whilst she screamed upset and scared.

The parents of the other children ignored what they were doing as they were too busy enjoying their coffee, so I went over and told them to leave her alone. They did.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 15/11/2020 17:12

Some of you skipped over my actual point. My child WAS Sharing.

It said in your op that was beside the point.

gurglebelly · 15/11/2020 17:12

A simple 'he/she is sharing' at the time she said it would have sufficed, no need to get so angry and dramatic about it all

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 15/11/2020 17:15

In fact rereading your OP your question is about disciplining in the presence of another parent not disciplining when it wasn’t necessary.

You can’t cause people of missing the point just because they don’t agree with you.

redwinefine · 15/11/2020 17:15

That would annoy me too, OP - especially as he was sharing in the first place!

WhySoSensitive · 15/11/2020 17:21

Is there more backstory here? Does she have form for unnecessary discipline of others children?