AIBU or is it ever OK to give out to other people's children

[Babysharksmom]

OK so just to set the background I'm not really fond of SIL but she came to my house recently with another nephew. She proceeded to give out to my child as he 'wasn't sharing' a particular toy with other nephew. In fact he was but that's besides the point. She said 'Ds1 share with nephew "Fucked me right off and now I feel annoyed for not saying piss off and mind your own business and don't feel the need to discipline my child.

Is it OK to discipline another child in said child's parents presence?

What do I say if it happens again

I would be surprised if my child was told to share and they were sharing nicely, I'd then say to the grown up they are sharing really nicely.

I wouldn't be annoyed at another adult for reminding my child of acceptable behaviour that's not telling them off. I wouldn't appreciate someone telling my child off if I was present and paying attention. I have a very small age gap and actually used to appreciate someone pulling my kids up on unacceptable behaviour if I was caught up with the other one.

I wouldn’t discipline someone else’s child unless what they were doing was dangerous or they were physically hurting my child. There’s a huge difference in the standard of behaviour different parents expect and what I would consider rude or unkind isn’t necessarily what they would. This is part of the reason why I would rather stick pins in my eyes than have other people’s kids round. Constantly wondering what is and isn’t acceptable to say when the wee darlings are tearing your house to pieces.

@Babysharksmom

Funny the amount of people that come on to bash the Op on MN. Some of you skipped over my actual point. My child WAS Sharing. He was in my full view. She got it wrong then told him to share.

I have zero problems with my children being disciplined where they need to be disciplined. I do take exception to someone who tells them do something even though they are actually doing it.

You said it was "besides the point" that he was sharing, yet your entire issue is about the fact that he was sharing?

@Babysharksmom

Funny the amount of people that come on to bash the Op on MN. Some of you skipped over my actual point. My child WAS Sharing. He was in my full view. She got it wrong then told him to share.

I have zero problems with my children being disciplined where they need to be disciplined. I do take exception to someone who tells them do something even though they are actually doing it.

In fact he was but that's besides the point.

You literally said it wasn’t the point.

I have zero problems with my children being disciplined where they need to be disciplined. I do take exception to someone who tells them do something even though they are actually doing it.

Not what you said in your OP. You asked if it was okay to discipline a child in its parent's presence.

I'd say yes. Fill yer boots.

With hindsight, I think a lot of these decision in the long term are going to have to be about whether you want your child's life to be easy or difficult? Do you teach them to feel upset and mull over any injustice, or do you model a more robust approach? Would you want your child in years to come to be able to shrug their shoulders and think "oh well, my teacher made a mistake, it's not the end of the world" or swear at the teacher? You are teaching them whether to be hurt or not, to some extent.

Define 'recently'

If it happens again say 'He is sharing'.

It really is no big deal. Unless they are screaming at your child or being physical with your child then there is no harm done. Your child won't be scarred by someone aking them to share when they are.

Off topic here but I do find it so annoying when other people ask that another child 'share' a toy (ie. stop playing with it and give it to their DC) when the first DC has literally just started playing with it. That is not sharing. That is just parent sanctioned 'taking'.

Ive certainly said in the playground to a stranger’s DC ‘you can’t push into the queue’. DC looked stunned, her DM looked embarrassed because she knew her DC was behaving badly and simply wasn’t going to bother stopped them. No fear and no shame in that to me. I’d expect the same if it were my DC (although they’d look sheepish rather than surprised).

If this is the worst thing that’s happened to you today, your life is pretty good.

@corythatwas

With hindsight, I think a lot of these decision in the long term are going to have to be about whether you want your child's life to be easy or difficult? Do you teach them to feel upset and mull over any injustice, or do you model a more robust approach? Would you want your child in years to come to be able to shrug their shoulders and think "oh well, my teacher made a mistake, it's not the end of the world" or swear at the teacher? You are teaching them whether to be hurt or not, to some extent.

Well said. I suspect the OP's child might grow up to be the pupil saying : "I'm doing it aren't I?" and "Don't tell me what to do. You're not my mum."

There is socialising a small child & there is disciplining.

Encouraging a child to share toys, take turns, eat nicely, say please and thank you, play gently, ask before taking things off others etc, is socialising a young child about appropriate behaviour and yes, I absolutely would expect any other adult to gently ask these things of my child.

Disciplining is: sending a child to time out, removing a toy etc and I would expect another adult to check with me/defer to me to choose suitable approach before proceeding.

If he was sharing already she probably just hadnt noticed, in which case I would just calmly say "tom, how about you play with it for 2 more minutes, then we let ben have a go".

Is t it short for ‘Give out shite’ aka have a go at

OP I think you need help

YABVVVVU

OP you don't like SIL.

Asking your son to share - even if he was isn't that big an issue. However if she shouted or was aggressive with it - then I'd take her aside and speak to her about it.
If it is a precious toy then it should be put away if someone comes around.

If someone tries to discipline rather than correct/or remind then I'd have a problem.

And you did say in your OP that the fact your DS was sharing was beside the point - hence everyone ignoring it.

I often tell my niece to stop moaning/whinging/to share. Probably 5 times every meeting which is about 3 Times a week

My sister does the same to my children.

Nah I'd get pissed off if I was there and it was clear he was already sharing

Did she yell at him or anything or was it just said quietly?

She said 'Ds1 share with nephew'

Is that all? Fucks sake, you're one of those mothers, aren't you?

God help their future teachers.

If my sister happened to get it wrong I would probs say

Sister name I think DS name is sharing

It doesn't sound at all like she was discipline your child, rather telling him to share. If she made a mistake (as you say she has, but it's not clear how she could make that error) then this shouldn't induce the raging reaction from you.

This is clearly about your dislike for her, not what she's done on this occasion.

It's not a problem to low level discipline children in front of their parents imo, especially if the parent isn't watching or dealing with it.

If what you say in your post happened to me I would
1/ have no issue with anyone asking my DS to share
2/ if he was sharing I would say 'he is sharing'

I think your point is confused though to be fair.

YABU and with your comment YABVU

To some people, 'sharing' means getting what they want when they want it. Perhaps SIL was demanding that OP's child 'share' something OP's child was using. If so, that's not on.