There is a lot of background to my question, so I’m not sure that the average Mumsnet poster would feel the same way as me, if they have not experienced control or coercion in an intimate relationship before. But I’d be interested in your perspectives.
I’ve been married to my husband for over ten years and a couple of years ago I realised that he was exhibiting coercive and controlling behaviour, usually at a lowish but very consistent level. A counsellor ‘tipped me me’ off by highlighting that his behaviour was on the coercive spectrum (in that instance he was refusing to help with the kids bedtime until I tidied up some mess HE had made in the garden). There have also been some significant instances of being made to do things that I don’t want to do, but I won’t go into that here.
Today, he moved a pizza from the bottom to top oven, taking it out of its tray and putting it on the rack directly. When I came to remove it it has melted everywhere and made a mess. I asked him why he hadn’t used a tray and he said there wasn’t one. I opened the bottom oven to show him that he actually removed the pizza from a tray. He then said he hadn’t seen it (once he couldn’t deny it). I asked why he kept doing this when I’d asked him before to use a tray. I said as he made the mess he could sort it out, and then I left the kitchen. No raised voices, no ‘having a go’ but just several questions and an expression of displeasure.
He then refused to eat lunch with the kids and I because he said I was being ‘irritable’ and he didn’t want to be around me. He used to do this a lot in the past. What worries me about this incident is a) maximising my behaviour - I honestly don’t think it was unreasonable to raise the issue with him but whenever I do something he doesn’t like he ‘maximises’ my behaviour by branding it unreasonable/irritable/flying into a rage etc. b) I felt coerced by his refusal to join lunch - he’s basically making it clear (as he has on many other occasions) that if I raise an issue with him I run the risk of him boycotting our family lunch (so next time I’m less likely to raise any issues, so as not to rock the boat). I should be clear that he doesn’t do this with every issue I raise and sometimes does take stuff on board, but he is very quick to boycott meals if I raise something before a meal. Equally if something comes up after a meal during clear up (once the kids are in bed), he threatens to leave the house to ‘remove himself from me’ (which in practice means that I end up doing the clear up by myself - so again it makes me not want to raise stuff).
So my question is, am I being unreasonable or over sensitive to feel uncomfortable/coerced/controlled by his behaviour? I feel so worn down by his behaviour over time and he’s always telling me that I’m the problem, so I now have little confidence in my own feelings and judgement. Would therefore appreciate others views.