to think that not having friends isn't that unusual

[faginssidekick]

AIBU to think that this isn't actually all that unusual in this day and age when people have moved away from their families, have smaller families and work such long hours or have a long commute? At the school gate people (pre covid) seem to stand on their own and not engage with others and children going round to other's houses to play seems to be a rarer thing than it used to be a few years ago? Mine were always in and out of other's houses when they were younger as we lived in a road with a lot of similar aged children but that doesn't seem to happen any more. Obviously that's before this year and covid.

fried shrimp sorry to hear that. I asked as I was widowed at 34 and it was my friends unwavering support that kept me going. If I hadn't had them I dont think I would have survived.

• people are normally acquaintances before some of them become close friends, so generally you need a large pool of acquaintances to find a few people you really click with and can develop a closer friendship.

• when we are talking about instances where the poster does not have a single person they could ask to drop off a bag of essential shopping while in quarantine, that does not require a deep meaningful close friend, does it? Most people would do this for an average friend or acquaintance, I would hope. So when someone says they have no-one to ask to do them a small favour, I read it as that they don't even have any acquaintances.

when we are talking about instances where the poster does not have a single person they could ask to drop off a bag of essential shopping while in quarantine, that does not require a deep meaningful close friend, does it? Most people would do this for an average friend or acquaintance, I would hope. So when someone says they have no-one to ask to do them a small favour, I read it as that they don't even have any acquaintances.

Hmm, I'm not sure I agree, whilst I would be happy to do this if someone asked me, indeed I have my name down as a volunteer for our local service assisting people in lockdown, I don't feel I have anyone I know that I could personally ask. This is at least partly because most people I know don't live nearby - even most of my group of school mum friends live several miles away. Work colleagues who I consider acquaintance level friends are 40 miles away. My OH lives 200 miles from me and my closest friend further still. Also because whenever I have asked for even the smallest help , I have found that people are always too busy or can't do it or tell me to ask someone else or find a partner!

Thankfully I haven't ever needed to call on someone for this purpose but I would struggle if I did.

I’ve had a few potential female friends dump me when they realise I don’t drink. Booze is often key here in the UK.

This!
I see a lot of "Oh yeah we do that in our friendship group"
"So I sent a message to our friendship group WhatsApp the other day...."

😳 These are grown women

@DC3Dakota you'd really not like my friendship groups. Left high school in 2000, we had two group holidays abroad for our 30ths, plus a trip abroad when I was pregnant with the first and a UK holiday when I was pregnant with the 2nd, we have a messenger group . Uni group we get away less bit have done a few UK weekends, most recently when I was pregnant with the 2nd. We have a wattsapp group. Half the echo group are married with kids, all the Uni group are. Both sets are trying to work out holidays for our 40th.

Does that make us terribly juvenile??

same as whitecart. We should be mates!

Actually for the few friends (ex work colleagues) i actively try to keep a friendship with, i drink with them socially. It's the only time i drink.
I don't get friendlier with any school mums or people i meet beyond acquaintance level for this reason.

It is hard, i didn't grow up here and i wish I had more friends. I have a few school and uni friends but being in different countries or parts of UK we just drifted apart over time.

SleepingStandingUp

This!
I see a lot of "Oh yeah we do that in our friendship group"
"So I sent a message to our friendship group WhatsApp the other day...."

😳 These are grown women

Is having a WhatsApp group thought to be very juvenile then? I must have missed that memo....

If you refuse to take advantage of technology that is designed to help people communicate on the grounds that its juvenile then you've only got yourself to blame really...

Do people think friendships should be conducted by carrier pigeon and telegram?

Do people think friendships should be conducted by carrier pigeon and telegram?

How ..novel. If I want to see my friends, I will l enlist a servant to deliver a calling card.

Does that make us terribly juvenile??

No, it sounds infinitely more fun than some of the existences described on here.

I suspect that people say “I sent a message to my friendship group” on MN would probably not use the expression in conversation. They would say, “I messaged Sarah, Zoe, Dawn and Jo and suggested we do Secret Santa”. It’s a form of shorthand, and we all know what they mean, without imagining a Year 9 set up, with matching school bags.

Exactly - but if it’s not something you regularly do, you won’t get the slightly nuanced way of describing it on here, as compared with real life.

@KatharinaRosalie

Do people think friendships should be conducted by carrier pigeon and telegram?

How ..novel. If I want to see my friends, I will l enlist a servant to deliver a calling card.

We do smoke signals. I’ll be honest, it’s a bit hit and miss.

For me it's groups that I do certain things with like a group of mums with kids the same age I go to the park with or my old uni mates who like to meet up now and then. It just makes more sense to contact each other all at once to make and change plans via social media.

DH has no friends - it worries me sometimes but he really doesn’t seem bothered. We don’t socialise with other couples, although he gets on ok with friends that I see & I can picture him hitting it off with their other halves. His hobby is one that can be in groups but he does it solo ( cycling). If we weren’t in the middle of a pandemic, I would wish to see a lot more of my friends but everyone used to be so busy. Trying to plan a few things post lockdown.

@HelloDulling

I suspect that people say “I sent a message to my friendship group” on MN would probably not use the expression in conversation. They would say, “I messaged Sarah, Zoe, Dawn and Jo and suggested we do Secret Santa”. It’s a form of shorthand, and we all know what they mean, without imagining a Year 9 set up, with matching school bags.

Tbf I'd probably say "oh I sent a message to the school lot about that" because well that's how they're identified 🤣

@HelloDulling

I suspect that people say “I sent a message to my friendship group” on MN would probably not use the expression in conversation. They would say, “I messaged Sarah, Zoe, Dawn and Jo and suggested we do Secret Santa”. It’s a form of shorthand, and we all know what they mean, without imagining a Year 9 set up, with matching school bags.

who cares how you describe it really?

Honestly its such a bizarre thing to find fault with people over.

Like these threads about how unbecoming it is for mothers to post selfies on social media etc. People tie themselves up in knots worrying about such utterly trivial stuff... its amazing anyone manages to make friends with all this judgement....

Have found this thread v depressing. Especially the posts abt actively trying to avoid ppl who ask you out for a coffee or invite you over for dinner. An eye-opener. I will just say that parents die, partners leave or die, and children will most certainly leave.

I just don't get how else you'd arrange to meet in a group. Spend ages phoning every single member of said group every time there is any sort of change of plan?

I once asked my mother how groups managed to meet up before mobiles and social media and she admitted that there was a very high failure rate

@Frequentflier

Have found this thread v depressing. Especially the posts abt actively trying to avoid ppl who ask you out for a coffee or invite you over for dinner. An eye-opener. I will just say that parents die, partners leave or die, and children will most certainly leave.

That’s the most depressing thing I read 😛

I also do not agree that ppl with no friends are self- sufficient, less needy and by implication, thus cooler than the rest of us who want friends. Dh has v few friends. Consequently I am his sole emotional outlet when work gets tough. Its tiring and dull. Have told him to go and get some toot suite when lockdown over.

I once asked my mother how groups managed to meet up before mobiles and social media and she admitted that there was a very high failure rate

Was there? I think people used to turn up and stick to plan, because they couldn't text you and say they were going to be an hour late. Although there were times (a lot of times) when people were late and you'd be hanging around wondering if you had the right place and/or the right time. But people did turn up eventually.

@Frequentflier
Have found this thread v depressing. Especially the posts about actively trying to avoid ppl who ask you out for a coffee or invite you over for dinner. An eye-opener. I will just say that parents die, partners leave or die, and children will most certainly leave.

@Frequentflier i agree with you totally. I moved miles away from home 10 yrs, left all my family and friends behind. Have attempted multiple times to make friends, i have invited for coffee and dinner to no avail. In my case ,the people took the free coffee and the free dinners ...and that was that.

@Feministicon "That’s the most depressing thing I read 😛"
@Feministicon your smiley face and ignorant comment is the most depressing thing i think i have seen all 2020! Well done for being one of the most ignorant and insensitive people of 2020!

@Frequentflier

I also do not agree that ppl with no friends are self- sufficient, less needy and by implication, thus cooler than the rest of us who want friends. Dh has v few friends. Consequently I am his sole emotional outlet when work gets tough. Its tiring and dull. Have told him to go and get some toot suite when lockdown over.

I have to say the biggest concern of I met a man with no friends would be that there's no one else he'd go to for anything That might sound selfish but who would be talk to when it's me he's annoyed with? Or if we split up? Or of I died? I don't want to be anyone's entire emotional networks

@Chips 1971 Sorry to hear that. I am an expat and have moved all my life. Understand ppl can be awful and it has happened to me any times. But still think if someone suggests a drink after work, it seems odd to look at them suspicuously.

@Frequentflier

Have found this thread v depressing. Especially the posts abt actively trying to avoid ppl who ask you out for a coffee or invite you over for dinner. An eye-opener. I will just say that parents die, partners leave or die, and children will most certainly leave.

I agree. And for what its worth I don't think FeministIcon is being insensitive, emoji or otherwise.

I think its quite worrying that people are openly hostile to the idea of other people approaching them to make friends. And depressing that people seem to feel that its futile, or that friends are a waste of time or a time-thief or are just all users.

Its perfectly legitimate for people to say they struggle to make friends: I have every sympathy with that. And that's something to work towards resolving.

But the idea that friendship is intrinsically bad or negative is a new one for me and something which frankly scares me...