Help - I’m failing my baby and need a kick up the bum

[rubbishmum33]

I have a 7 month old baby and started weaning him about 4 weeks ago. I was determined to give him the healthiest start with food after not BFing (I had a horrendous birth and just couldn’t) but I’m really failing.

So far all he’s had are single bits of fruit (strawberry, watermelon, banana, pear) and sticks of veg (broccoli, carrot, cauliflower, butternut squash). He also had toast with Philadelphia but it seemed very dry for him.

He loves grabbing the food and putting it in his mouth, but has barely swallowed a thing since we’ve started - it all goes on the floor. I tried spoon feeding but he prefers to do it himself.

Since starting I’ve had about 10 days where I’ve given him no food at all (apart from milk obviously) because I just could not face the mess.

I’m a hopeless cook and suddenly feel I need to be making all these meals for my baby. I tried pancakes the other day but messed up somehow and they stuck to the pan, so I had to throw them away.

Water is also not going well - we have a Doidy cup and he ends up drenched in water, even with me holding it - which just adds to the mess.

I’m so worried I’m screwing this up by failing to feed him every day and only giving him single sticks of fruit and veg. He’s also still on one meal and I know I should probably have moved to two by now.

Does anyone have any advice?

It is not a bad thing to tip water over himself. He doesn't have any concept of "bad". He will learn from experience.
Mess is normal.
I often used to joke that I would love to put baby plus highchair through a device similar to a carwash!
Plastic sheet, bib with sleeves, drawer full of face cloths. It gets easier.
My favourite photos of my dc are the ones where they are wearing their breakfast and laughing happily.

Please don't beat yourself up. It's your expectations that are too high and clouding your judgement about what you are achieving.

It's harder for little ones to eat real food and so much easier to just drink milk. Keep putting a little selection of foods in front of him at mealtimes and it'll become the norm (especially when he finds something he likes).

When mine was a baby, I couldn't even pick him up for months without help as I was so ill. I didn't go to baby classes, we just went for walks. I used a lot of easy foods like the pre packed snacks and chopped up veg and fruit. As he got older, we progressed to easy meals like scrambled eggs or beans on toast. In all honesty, this is not how I had planned it but I never achieved 'earth mother' status and everything was near enough the bare minimum to get by as I was so poorly.

Now though (aged 4), you wouldn't know his start was tricky. He eats most things and will always have a go. Nursery helped with some good meals (he used to eat 2 portions a day as he would always have the leftovers if someone wasn't in). Nursery also helped with the socialisation which I was worried about after not going to baby classes/ activities. He's been to 4 nurseries and just started school (we've moved a fair bit) and he's so confident - none of that limited early socialisation mattered.

Keep doing what you're doing and it'll work out. As you get more confident, look online for some recipes and tips on presenting foods that he might like. I'm not going to lie though, it is messy! We use cheeky wipes cloths that are little cotton squares you can put in the wash. Much better than baby wipes.

Another vote for the munchkin cup here. Our little girl is ten months and drinking from it like a pro now. We struggled with other cups for a few months and even this one didn’t seem to be getting much down her but one day it just seemed to click for her.

I agree with everyone above. Start with breakfast it's by far the easiest. Mine has porridge and banana every morning but you can try scrambled eggs, yoghurt and fruit with some oats blended up, fruit smoothies etc.

Don't worry about drinking. Mine just suddenly got it one day. I've got it on video I was so happy haha.

Can you get one of those plastic apron/total top covers for your baby to wear while eating? That will at least help with the mess on him! I don't know what highchair you've got but we were given an old one which had a lift up table which was caked in food (horrible I don't k ow why she didn't clean it!) But it made me realise that the best is the ikea style one that's really simple. Easy to clean and were still using it at 2 years.

Good luck and you aren't failing!

On the doidy cup: I remember buying one with my first and my sister (with older small kids) coming round and getting really cross with baby equipment makers for rinsing vulnerable people who would throw money at anything that would make things easier. I think the doidy cups probably work fine with kids older than 7 months.

You've had good advice on feeding but don't feel bad I honestly have not met anyone who didn't go a bit mad when trying to wean their first. If it's not a horror of mess or a worry about nutrition it's the unfounded terror of choking. So be a bit nicer to yourself, you're doing fine.

With the Doidy cup I only put in a small bit of water before giving it to my DD, it limits the mess. Then I top it up before giving her another sip.
I use a Bibado bib to cover her which means I can just pop that in the washing machine.
She has cucumber sticks and pepper slices to nibble on. I give her some sachets and some of my food if we are having something suitable.
It is hard and it is messy! You aren’t failing tonight parenting is hard!

Food is 'fun' until 12months old - the point is for him to try and make a mess effectively. It doesn't matter that he doesn't take much 'in'. The main source of nutrition is still his milk in any event.
Why don't you just give him the same food as yourself as long as you limit salt/spices when cooking? As for the mess - put something down that can be easily cleaned like a plastic table covering or something!

OP, everyone everywhere feels like a crap mum sometimes - you are not alone and it’s very unlikely you actually are one. The main thing you need to do is relax.

Up to 1, he should be getting most of his nutrition from milk, so as long as that is happening, relax.

Also relax about the mess. All babies make the most terrible mess at mealtimes - just accept it and enjoy the silly things they do and how daft they look with carrot in their hair or porridge on their ears. Get a piece of PU to put under the high chair so it’s all easily cleaned up (or a dog - ours loved weaning time).

If you’re a terrible cook, practice. It’s not rocket science and you will get better. Pancakes are tricky - I’m sure most people have some stick to the pan or end up too greasy. Just try again, or choose something else.

Baby porridge is a dream - quick to make and lots of good nutrition. Same with daal - as long as you don’t let it dry out / burn, you can’t really go wrong. And if it seems to be drying out, just add more water - if you add too much, just keep cooking it. You really can’t ruin it, and you can add all sorts to make it tastier - my LO was really fond of it with fruit / veg in - I’d just add carrots, dried apricots, pears or apples (peeled at first, later didn’t bother) and let them cook down with the lentils. Really simple, easy way to get veg in them, and they can feed themselves.

Have you got any cook books? They might give you some confidence. Also try making food in advance, when the baby is asleep - that way you’re not stressing about them being hungry whilst you cook, you just need to heat it up.

As for the water - if the doidy cup isn’t working, get a supply cup or use a bottle. It really doesn’t matter as long as he’s getting hydration. Have you ever met a 4 year old that can’t use a normal cup? No, so your kid will learn to use one at some point, too.

Finally, to the social anxiety - again, try to relax. I can’t think of many people who feel confident and calm going into totally new situations where they know nobody - I’m very outgoing and my job involves meeting new people all the time, often in strange circumstances, but I still get nervous about ‘fitting in’ at the school gates etc. But the vast majority of people are not dicks, and want to make other people feel welcome and included, so try to remember that when you next go to an activity. Start with a nice smile and see what happens from there.

We all feel like you do sometimes - or most of the time!

You’ve got this.

You aren’t failing at all! He’s exploring food which is exactly what he should be doing, at some point he’ll start eating it bits. Carry on what you’re doing, also you can give him what you eat as long as it’s not too salty etc.

In my mind, weaning would be a breeze. I would whip up yummy purées, spooned lovingly into my baby’s open mouth, here comes the aeroplane...

OMG it was not like that in the slightest. Purées were met with a mouth clamped shut and look of terror. If some made it in, it was immediately spat out. Baby-led weaning went marginally better, but it wasn’t til about 8 months that you’d describe it as “eating” as opposed to “accidentally ingesting” and more like 10-11 months until she actually had meals with milk in between. Needless to say I had much more realistic expectations second time round and it was much less stressful.

Oh and no rush for the water! I'm not sure what's the advice is when formula feeding but my kids (bf) didn't get water separately until much later. Much better that he drinks his milk than fill up with water!

I’d stop worrying! He is only 7 months so I am sure he will get a bit more interested in the food you are giving him. DS barely ate any solid food before he was one. Unfortunately BLW wasn’t a thing in those days and he refused to be fed. Once he could do himself he was fine so bypassed purées altogether. I certainly wouldn’t have gone to the trouble of cooking anything just for him. I have no idea why Doidy cups have come back into fashion. I had one when I was a baby but I am old. They certainly weren’t on the market when DS was a baby. I can’t think of any drinking vessel more guaranteed to cause spills. There is a reason why sippy cups were invented!

Honestly, he will be getting plenty of nutrition from milk at this age.

Regarding classes, they are more for mums to socialise than for the baby’s benefit. If not going to them caused social anxiety, everyone over a certain age would be suffering from it! It actually might be helpful to you to go to something if available as it would get you out to meet other mums. I’m sure around half the mums who attend the first time will be quite nervous, as most of us are when we try new things!

My daughter was a messy eater, and even at 20 months has a tendency to upend her plate when she’s had enough, we have a big PVC table cloth on the floor under her high chair. We more or less followed the plan that came with the Ella’s kitchen wall chart, I think it was something like single veg for the first week, combinations of fruit & veg in the second week, dairy in the third and meat in the fourth, but if your little one doesn’t like being spoon fed that will get messy - we did a combo of spoon feeding and finger food. I really struggled with the routine of meals to start with, so if we were out I didn’t always think ahead to take something for her to eat and she often ended up eating a lot later than she should have done, but she was still having plenty of milk so less of an issue! Could you start with non messy finger food so at least if it ends up on the floor it’s easy to clean up? I’m sure at that age a “meal” was only a couple of different types of purée or pieces of fruit/veg rather than what we would have as a meal.

It’s normal to barely eat at that age. Mine continued exactly as yours until at least 10 month - the odd fistful if things here and there, some yoghurt. We weren’t really doing multiple ‘meals’ until 1 year at least.

I gave my 3 'meals' a day from the start. When I ate something I gave a kid friendly version to the baby where possible. Half the time they just sucked on it, rubbed it in their hair or threw it around. Completely normal. You just need to get over the mess, it's what babies do.

Don’t be so harsh on yourself OP! It sounds like you are doing absolutely fine. At this stage, you shouldn’t be expecting much to actually get swallowed at all, especially if you are giving him finger food - he’s still working out how to chew and move food round his mouth. Until at least 9 months, often later, the vast majority of his nutrition will be coming from his milk. Yes, it would be good if you could make sure he has a go with food every day, but don’t beat yourself up for missing days in these early stages, as long as you still offer plenty of milk.

I also hate cleaning up the weaning mess, but a mat on the floor, neoprene bibs and a ready supply of wipes/flannels makes me feel more prepared. If you have two adults present at any of his mealtimes, having one clean the baby and the other clean the highchair/floor/etc can make it less stressful. My daughter is 8 months and having 2 meals a day, we tend to offer something less messy for one meal (eg plain pasta) and then messier for the other meal (eg juicy fruit, pitta bread with nut butter on) so we don’t feel we’re doing constant clean up.

You’ve got this! Try to keep mealtimes fun for both of you, accept the mess, and cut yourself some slack.

Sr_nutricion on instagram is great on baby-led feeding and the idea that ‘food before 1 is just for fun’ and so is Joe Wicks (Wean in 15). I think his son is the same age as yours so maybe you could follow his progress? You should just be letting your DS try as many flavours and textures as possible at the moment, and yes, making a mess. Licking something, pouring it on himself or throwing it on the floor is totally normal and you are not failing him.

Yes, some babies take to solid food and chomp away but my DS was just like yours and preferred his milk. Before you know it your DS will discover something he loves (for mine it was cucumber sticks) and he’ll devour them. But then he’ll reject them and you’ll have to start over again! As long as his weight is ok you’re doing fine.

And please if anyone has found a suction plate that actually sticks to the sodding table and can’t be hurled across the room please post the link here! (Hijack over)

dgs uses these cups. No spill but gets him used to drinking from rim of a cup.

@rubbishmum33 babies are messy. And as they learn to eat they play with food and make a mess - this is an important part of their development. It comes across that the mess is stopping you here, have you spoken to anyone about it like your health visitor?

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Sounds like you're doing really well and it's just the anxiety talking. Don't stress about the food and let him have fun with it. I used to stress until my mum friend said that food is for fun until they are one. That's when I just started chucking random things in my son's tray and let him play with them. It was messy (particularly pasta and chilli) but he had a great time. Eventually he started putting the food in his mouth and it was fine. There really is no rush.

Also I used to stress about baby groups because I have social anxiety. I dreaded going, but when I went they were actually ok. I think they are just an opportunity for new mums to chat about sleepless nights and nappies. I quite enjoyed them in the end but when I went back to work and my son started nursery I was relieved that I didn't have to go anymore. I also realised that it really didn't make that much of a difference to my baby whether I went or not. He was so small that he didn't need to hang out with other babies, and he could have got his interaction and entertainment at home just as easily. So it really is up to you if you want to go or not.

You can start with baby rice and mix a bit of purée fruit in to add flavour. ASDA do a great range of organic porridge’s for little ones.
Ella’s kitchen do a nice range.

Missing days out is fine as long as they’re getting milk.
Formula is no worse than breast milk. Saying that as someone who breastfed.
Doidy cups are bullshit. I’d get a 360 glass or just use a beaker without the stopper in it, still gets water everywhere but not as bad.
My son was OBSESSED with food from about 2 months, he always tried to grab it from my hands and suck on it, when we started weaning at 6 months he sucked on it and barely “ate” more than a bite or two of BLW. However he’d eat a whole pouch if given half a chance,

Hi OP.

It normal that sometimes they don't eat anything and it just ends up on the floor. This time is all about learning about foods, textures, how to chew etc. My ten month old still sometimes has meals where she doesn't actually really take much on board. My HV told me up until about a year milk is still their main source of nutrition.

I understand it can be overwhelming as I felt this too, there is a lot of pressure to feel like you're giving them the best of everything. I ended up buying a couple of sachets of pre made purees, little finger snacks (Ella's kitchen for example) for the days when I felt overwhelmed, as its super quick.

I also struggle with the mess as I'm a bit obsessive over cleanliness. Best thing I got was the bibs that you put on them like a T shirt. I also started to use a big bin bag under the high chair so I can just scoop it up when finished!

You're not failing though, this sounds perfectly normal. Do you still have a HV you can speak to?