... to not want MIL to look after DD?

[WorriedAboutMIL]

Name changed in case MIL knows my username on here!

I'm currently on maternity leave but will be going back to work within the next few weeks. DD is booked into nursery full-time (Monday-Friday). MIL has offered to look after DD one day a week, which is a really kind offer except for the following reasons:

1. MIL can't commit to a certain day or even definitely weekly, so we'd still have to pay for full-time nursery (which is fine, I don't mind this, there might just be minor inconvenience due to chopping and changing etc.)

2. MIL lives an hour away and is rarely on time - usually at least half an hour late. I have a train to catch (well, once we're using offices again) so if she's late it's going to be really difficult for work

3. (and this is the main problem . . . ) I think MIL has mental health issues and I have major concerns that these could impact on her ability to look after a baby.

MIL is in her early sixties and suffers from anxiety. She's also a very obsessive person. At the moment, she's fixated on coronavirus, that it's all a load of nonsense, and she relentlessly researches and tells us about articles that back up her opinion (but not the converse). She had an anxiety attack in the supermarket the other day because she got herself so worked up about people wearing masks. It makes me worry about what would happen if she had one of these episodes when she had DD with her.

Another concern I have is that MIL's conversation is all over the place and it's very hard to talk to her. It's very like speaking to an elderly person with dementia - random, talking about strangers as if I should know them, suddenly very opinionated to the point of anger, disjointed and, quite often, mystifying.

I don't trust her. Which feels awful to say, but I don't. She's done so many little things that make me question her judgement - handing DD a scalding hot chip, kissing DD's face and hands when she was a newborn even though MIL gets cold sores and I'd asked her not to kiss DD, giving DD double the amount of milk I'd advised her to, resulting in DD vomiting all over me etc. Little things, I know. But so many of them.

Am I being unreasonable to worry about this? I don't think I'm more anxious than any other mum - I'll happily hand DD over to nursery, to my family, to close friends - but every instinct tells me that MIL isn't well enough to cope with a baby/toddler.

On the other hand, I don't want to hurt MIL, and I worry about the impact refusing her offer would have on her already-fragile mental health. DH agrees that there are definite concerns and he doesn't know what to do either.

What do you all think?

Do you actually think that your dd is going to be safe with your MIL?

1) MIL can't commit to a certain day or even definitely weekly, so we'd still have to pay for full-time nursery (which is fine, I don't mind this, there might just be minor inconvenience due to chopping and changing etc.)

This is enough for me. My nursery requires "shifts" at the start of the month and they'd be annoyed if you just pick and choose days to miss as it messes with ratios.

There isn't one good reason there for MiL to look after her.

Just make sure you see her fairly regularly so she sees her growing up.

I don't know, @Motnight - MIL used to work in healthcare and in theory she has a lot of childcare knowledge, but we can't predict when she's going to have another panic attack.

I just don't know.

@hammeringinmyhead would that still be an issue though, if we're paying for DD to be there full-time? The nursery hasn't lost anything if DD misses a day.

You can't leave her with her. It doesn't sound safe. And I am generally a bit more lax than most parents about safety (dont cut up grapes for 5 year old or make her wear a helmet when scooting etc). Avoidig scalds and feeding her correctly are the bare minimum of care, not 'nice to haves'. Just let her push the pram when you go to the park etc and tell her nursery said children settle better when they go in on set days

From what you’ve said, you’d be unreasonable to LET her look after your DD.

[quote WorriedAboutMIL]@hammeringinmyhead would that still be an issue though, if we're paying for DD to be there full-time? The nursery hasn't lost anything if DD misses a day.[/quote]
It wouldn’t still be an issue with my nursery.

YANBU. Tell her it’s a kind offer and you’d love to have her on standby for emergencies such as illness (which will be much more often than you hope). Keep the regular care at the nursery.

To be honest an hour away is a bit hopeless as there will be so many delays even if she was a good timekeeper.

@WorriedAboutMIL

I don't know, *@Motnight* - MIL used to work in healthcare and in theory she has a lot of childcare knowledge, but we can't predict when she's going to have another panic attack.

I just don't know.

You do know.

You're parents now. Do your job.

@Nanny0gg I guess the good reasons are that it might help MIL's mental health if she has the distraction of looking after DD (I think she feels sometimes that she doesn't have a purpose in life - she retired against her will).

And I loved my Granny so much - I want DD to feel the same about hers; and obviously they'll be so much closer if they see each other weekly.

[quote WorriedAboutMIL]@hammeringinmyhead would that still be an issue though, if we're paying for DD to be there full-time? The nursery hasn't lost anything if DD misses a day.[/quote]
Well, if the ratio is say 3 to 1 and they plan another staff member for baby 7, who then doesn't turn up, yes it does matter.

I mean it would. It would still be an issue with my nursery. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Reason 1, on it's own would be enough.
Reason 2, on it's own would be enough.

the things you have written in Reason 3 make it clear YWBVU to let her look after your dc on her own at all.

I can see why you are concerned, it’s not going to work is it?

Let DH tell him mum, that you both really appreciate her offer, but you think it will be better for DD to be in nursery, as you can’t change days in case nursery can’t cover.

I think you should put your child first and not allow mil to look after her.
If you don't want to hurt her feelings, tell her it's because you need consistent days.
Perhaps try gently push her to seeking help for her mental health.
I won't allow mil to have DS on her own due to her mental health (DH doesn't know what her diagnosis is, she won't discuss. There is a heavy load of anxiety & paranoia though) She caused a lot of emotional/psychological harm to DH when he was growing up, no way I'm letting that affect DS.

No, definitely not a good idea. Pick an excuse that she can't get around and like already said, see her regularly so she is satisfied with seeing little one grow. For me I would use the virus and the distance as a reason. Going in and out of lockdown and tiers, will make things inconsistent and the time she will need to be up to travel to get to you, what if she is delayed by accidents/roadworks, that work won't tolerate you being late and then the time sge would be getting back home (winter/dark nights etc). Lay it on as you are thinking of her and don't want to put her out

It's important you trust your childcare, especially with such a young baby/child.

Just use the excuse of needing a set day and concerns about distance and leave it at that. She offered but she may not actually mind not being depended on.

I'm sorry, with the best will in the world, first and foremost, your child's safety and wellbeing is paramount, and I feel you'd be jeopardising these if you left MIL in sole charge.

OP you don’t want to let her, your instinct says no and it sounds like to me like you’re right.

Tell her it’s such a shame your nursery won’t accommodate the chopping and changing of days 😇

Your child safety comes first. Nothing else matters when deciding on childcare.

Your DD comes first in this, not your MIL's feelings.

Tell her she's welcome to come to visit but you need regular childcare.

No way, safety first then mil feeling's next.

She sounds quite like my MIL who has now has diagnosed dementia, the unrelated stories and sudden unreasonable cross ness about things. I love her but even 10 yrs ago we didn't feel she could cope with the multi tasking involved in childcare. She used to come and help my DH, when I was studying. In that she'd play with the baby but he'd do all meals and nappy changes in between working from home.
My children still built a strong relationship with her and love her to bits but the irrationality associated with dementia does mean it's better to have another adult there to mediate. It's really sad but if you can't trust her to be able to cope you can't leave her with the baby.

Why are you having so much to do with your ex MIL if you ate no longer with her son? She can see baby on his contact time.

And if you are still with baby’s father then stop and let him deal with this. Why would his mother being late make you late for work? Wouldn’t it make HIM late for work ?

What does he think about his incapable confused mother potentially caring for his child?