... to not want MIL to look after DD?

[WorriedAboutMIL]

Name changed in case MIL knows my username on here!

I'm currently on maternity leave but will be going back to work within the next few weeks. DD is booked into nursery full-time (Monday-Friday). MIL has offered to look after DD one day a week, which is a really kind offer except for the following reasons:

1. MIL can't commit to a certain day or even definitely weekly, so we'd still have to pay for full-time nursery (which is fine, I don't mind this, there might just be minor inconvenience due to chopping and changing etc.)

2. MIL lives an hour away and is rarely on time - usually at least half an hour late. I have a train to catch (well, once we're using offices again) so if she's late it's going to be really difficult for work

3. (and this is the main problem . . . ) I think MIL has mental health issues and I have major concerns that these could impact on her ability to look after a baby.

MIL is in her early sixties and suffers from anxiety. She's also a very obsessive person. At the moment, she's fixated on coronavirus, that it's all a load of nonsense, and she relentlessly researches and tells us about articles that back up her opinion (but not the converse). She had an anxiety attack in the supermarket the other day because she got herself so worked up about people wearing masks. It makes me worry about what would happen if she had one of these episodes when she had DD with her.

Another concern I have is that MIL's conversation is all over the place and it's very hard to talk to her. It's very like speaking to an elderly person with dementia - random, talking about strangers as if I should know them, suddenly very opinionated to the point of anger, disjointed and, quite often, mystifying.

I don't trust her. Which feels awful to say, but I don't. She's done so many little things that make me question her judgement - handing DD a scalding hot chip, kissing DD's face and hands when she was a newborn even though MIL gets cold sores and I'd asked her not to kiss DD, giving DD double the amount of milk I'd advised her to, resulting in DD vomiting all over me etc. Little things, I know. But so many of them.

Am I being unreasonable to worry about this? I don't think I'm more anxious than any other mum - I'll happily hand DD over to nursery, to my family, to close friends - but every instinct tells me that MIL isn't well enough to cope with a baby/toddler.

On the other hand, I don't want to hurt MIL, and I worry about the impact refusing her offer would have on her already-fragile mental health. DH agrees that there are definite concerns and he doesn't know what to do either.

What do you all think?

All very gratefully received comments, thank you.

It has actually made me question how I ever even considered it in the first place. I'm normally the first to say "listen to your instincts" and yet I was trying to talk myself into finding a way of making this work

Then pay for childcare and tell her that you're paying for childcare.
It's only a problem if you let it be.

I'm not sure why you are even asking this question OP you already know that you don't want to. She may also only be saying it as she feels she should rather than she wants to.
Could you say you have to put her in nursery full-time but thanks for the offer....

She may be from the generation which thinks children shouldn't be in childcare and feels guilty she can't help out more or something.
Maybe suggest she could have her on a weekend and just don't leave her unattended for too long or something.

@Allthebubbles

She sounds quite like my MIL who has now has diagnosed dementia, the unrelated stories and sudden unreasonable cross ness about things. I love her but even 10 yrs ago we didn't feel she could cope with the multi tasking involved in childcare. She used to come and help my DH, when I was studying. In that she'd play with the baby but he'd do all meals and nappy changes in between working from home. My children still built a strong relationship with her and love her to bits but the irrationality associated with dementia does mean it's better to have another adult there to mediate. It's really sad but if you can't trust her to be able to cope you can't leave her with the baby.

Same as my mum who was diagnosed with dementia at 63, but had been having symptoms for probably 10 years (or more) before that. One big early symptom (I say that with hindsight) was her inappropriateness and randomness of conversation.

When she met my (now) PILs for the first time, the first thing to come out of her mouth after hello was about how much trouble she'd been having with one of her teeth and all the trips she'd made to the dentist recently.

In this post you've outline your options, protect MILs feelings or protect your childs well being........i know what id pick.......

MIL's mother had Alzheimer's - I'm not sure if it's a hereditary condition but I do know that it's one of MIL's fears, that she will develop it too.

I just feel there is something very wrong - I've only been with DH for five years and I think it's got worse in that time, and DH says she's definitely a lot more "weird" and "difficult" now than she used to be.

What do we do, though? I can't think of a way of suggesting she see a doctor without it going very badly.

Yoh are paying for full time and I would use it. The whole being late thing is enough for me to say no. Let her take dd on a Saturday morning or something.

@hammeringinmyhead

1) MIL can't commit to a certain day or even definitely weekly, so we'd still have to pay for full-time nursery (which is fine, I don't mind this, there might just be minor inconvenience due to chopping and changing etc.)

This is enough for me. My nursery requires "shifts" at the start of the month and they'd be annoyed if you just pick and choose days to miss as it messes with ratios.

Surely if you're paying full time then they dont care if you turn up or not.

You sound like a very kind person but you’re letting that cloud your judgment.

No way is this woman safe enough - she hasn’t even got basic safety awareness.

Include her in her grandchild’s life? Yes. Unsupervised? No

If the nursery have to pay for an extra person on a particular day because OP’s baby is going to be in due to ratios and then the baby doesn’t come in, I can’t see them being too impressed.

I think you need to set aside that ahe is your mil, and think that if this was a nusery worker, would you feel any of the reasons you mentioned are concerning or even possibly a safeguarding issue? If yes, then you would would be being tottally justified not allowing you mil to care for your child at such a young age.

Perhaps you could say gently that you've noticed she seems a bit more anxious and forgetful recently and maybe she should get a check up as being vitamin deficiency could be the cause

Dear Lord, of course you can’t leave your child with her!

No chance.

Child comes first, not her mental health.
Stick with the nursery you will all be much happier for it.

For anyone that hasn't RTFT, I've already decided to follow my instincts and only have supervised visits - thank you.

I'm now wondering what to do to help MIL generally . . .

Just say no OP. It’s a straight choice - you can protect the feelings of a grown woman, or you can protect the welfare of a baby. When you see it like that it’s no choice at all - you can risk the safety of your daughter to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.

You don’t even need to tell her you don’t trust her. Explain that your nursery doesn’t allow a flexible schedule. She doesn’t need to know if that’s true or not.

If the nursery have to pay for an extra person on a particular day because OP’s baby is going to be in due to ratios and then the baby doesn’t come in, I can’t see them being too impressed.

Since OP has paid for the day, it makes no difference to the the nursery whether the child is there or not.

This aside, it sounds reasonable that you don't want to. If you are looking for excuses, say you want her to keep to a routine, don't want to inconvenience MIL including getting up early, and say you want to use her lots for emergencies/random babysitting (dont have to actually do this).

@WorriedAboutMIL

For anyone that hasn't RTFT, I've already decided to follow my instincts and only have supervised visits - thank you.

I'm now wondering what to do to help MIL generally . . .

There's nothing preventing you from contacting her doctor. He/she won't be able to discuss anything with you, but an email expressing your concerns might mean that next time she has an appointment for something else, the doctor can make gentle enquiries of her, or order blood tests.

I think my SIL did this when my MIL began to deteriorate. She knew MIL was due an appointment for something else, and rang ahead, I think.

Yeah - I did think that if I've paid for the day, then the nursery shouldn't be annoyed if DD isn't there. I've still paid for the required ratio even if it's not needed.

@saraclara I'm weighing up the massive betrayal MIL would consider DH contacting her GP to be versus her own good . . . she'd be so upset, it could really damage their relationship. But . . . it might be the only way of helping her . . .

Again, if you'd given them shift patterns and stuck to it, they'd only have to have say 2 staff in for 6 babies, whereas if you don't turn up because MiL fancies a childcare day then they've paid for 3 staff for 7.

I don't know about where you are but my nursery is £5 an hour which is not far off half minimum wage.

@WorriedAboutMIL

Yeah - I did think that if I've paid for the day, then the nursery shouldn't be annoyed if DD isn't there. I've still paid for the required ratio even if it's not needed.

@saraclara I'm weighing up the massive betrayal MIL would consider DH contacting her GP to be versus her own good . . . she'd be so upset, it could really damage their relationship. But . . . it might be the only way of helping her . . .

If you do what I suggest, the GP will keep it confidential. They're not going to say "your DIL contacted us because she's worried". Not at all. They won't mention it. They'll simply use the next time they see her as an opportunity to ask her questions that might open up the chance to investigate the problem.

When you email, simply confirm that you would like and expect them to keep your communication confidential. Better still if it comes from both you and your DH as he's the blood relative.

[quote WorriedAboutMIL]@Nanny0gg I guess the good reasons are that it might help MIL's mental health if she has the distraction of looking after DD (I think she feels sometimes that she doesn't have a purpose in life - she retired against her will).

And I loved my Granny so much - I want DD to feel the same about hers; and obviously they'll be so much closer if they see each other weekly.[/quote]
Your dd isn’t there to support your mil, it should be vice versa. I look after my grandchild 1 day a week - on a set day, they know when I’m coming. We have a set routine of sorts. I’m early 60s in goof health and it’s HARD looking after a baby at my age! Your MIL isn’t able to look after your child I’m afraid.

Why are you even contemplating her looking after your DD?
There’s a whole list of cons there, but not one pro.
Definite no from me!

Absolutely not.

My mum has similar issues that are probably undiagnosed dementia. I have vowed never to let her look after my baby, but for complicated reasons can never actually tell her that.

It’s even harder because my sisters both leave their (older) kids with her all the time.

I think you just have to say nursery have insisted she’s full time or she’ll lose her place, or something similar to save her feelings.

If I ever told my mum, the upset would ruin our relationship forever, and probably send her into an alcoholic spiral ffs, so I just have to ensure she never gets the opportunity.

It’s just not worth the risk.