... to not want MIL to look after DD?

[WorriedAboutMIL]

Name changed in case MIL knows my username on here!

I'm currently on maternity leave but will be going back to work within the next few weeks. DD is booked into nursery full-time (Monday-Friday). MIL has offered to look after DD one day a week, which is a really kind offer except for the following reasons:

1. MIL can't commit to a certain day or even definitely weekly, so we'd still have to pay for full-time nursery (which is fine, I don't mind this, there might just be minor inconvenience due to chopping and changing etc.)

2. MIL lives an hour away and is rarely on time - usually at least half an hour late. I have a train to catch (well, once we're using offices again) so if she's late it's going to be really difficult for work

3. (and this is the main problem . . . ) I think MIL has mental health issues and I have major concerns that these could impact on her ability to look after a baby.

MIL is in her early sixties and suffers from anxiety. She's also a very obsessive person. At the moment, she's fixated on coronavirus, that it's all a load of nonsense, and she relentlessly researches and tells us about articles that back up her opinion (but not the converse). She had an anxiety attack in the supermarket the other day because she got herself so worked up about people wearing masks. It makes me worry about what would happen if she had one of these episodes when she had DD with her.

Another concern I have is that MIL's conversation is all over the place and it's very hard to talk to her. It's very like speaking to an elderly person with dementia - random, talking about strangers as if I should know them, suddenly very opinionated to the point of anger, disjointed and, quite often, mystifying.

I don't trust her. Which feels awful to say, but I don't. She's done so many little things that make me question her judgement - handing DD a scalding hot chip, kissing DD's face and hands when she was a newborn even though MIL gets cold sores and I'd asked her not to kiss DD, giving DD double the amount of milk I'd advised her to, resulting in DD vomiting all over me etc. Little things, I know. But so many of them.

Am I being unreasonable to worry about this? I don't think I'm more anxious than any other mum - I'll happily hand DD over to nursery, to my family, to close friends - but every instinct tells me that MIL isn't well enough to cope with a baby/toddler.

On the other hand, I don't want to hurt MIL, and I worry about the impact refusing her offer would have on her already-fragile mental health. DH agrees that there are definite concerns and he doesn't know what to do either.

What do you all think?

[quote WorriedAboutMIL]@Nanny0gg I guess the good reasons are that it might help MIL's mental health if she has the distraction of looking after DD (I think she feels sometimes that she doesn't have a purpose in life - she retired against her will).

And I loved my Granny so much - I want DD to feel the same about hers; and obviously they'll be so much closer if they see each other weekly.[/quote]
That isn't your DD's job. So it isn't in any way a good reason.

And just make sure you see lots of her as a family.

My MIL is a specialist practice something or other nurse. I still don’t trust her because she doesn’t listen to what we say. She also has form for past terrible behaviours.

If you’re not comfortable with something you don’t have to do it. End of.

Inconvenient to us as it was, after my nephew broke both his wrists whilst in the care of my PIL (avoidable accident) we never ever left our DC with them alone again.
Your DC's well being trumps that of your MIL.
Get your DH to speak to her.

Nope. I wouldn't trust her with sole care of my child. She's unreliable so shouldn't be relied on for one. But she doesn't seem able to actually look after your daughter, you'd be unreasonable to let her when you dont trust her.
Whether it would be good for MIL is irrelevant, and it really might not be, sole care of someone elses baby is fairly stressful.

the good reasons are that it might help MIL's mental health if she has the distraction of looking after DD

You child is not a mental health support worker OP. Are you willing to risk their safety (and your peace of mind in the working day) so you MIL doesn't feel put out? How could you focus at work on the days MIL has DC, you would be all the time checking in and wondering if DC was safe and cared for. You know what to do, so do it.

I think you know the answer to this, you just understandably don't want to her upset her. You can use the excuse that the nursery aren't very flexible about days / staff ratio planning and it won't work on that basis , and also the distance is an issue with traffic holdups etc.

What you've described makes me question if she can look after herself much less a vulnerable and tiny baby!

@S00LA your post has absolutely baffled me - I have no idea where you got that she's my ex-MIL, and I plainly said in my last paragraph that my DH agrees with me (ie that there are concerns) and we both feel the same - we're not sure what to do. Childcare is a joint decision, not just his to deal with because we happen to be talking about his mother; and given that he works away a lot, yes, it would be me who misses the train.

Everyone else - thank you. I actually feel hugely reassured that I am doing the right thing in trusting my instincts and declining MIL's offer. I was very worried that I was being too protective or anti-MIL. Having read all your responses, it's clear that I'm not and it gives me confidence.

I'll discuss further with DH now but I know that if I feel strongly about this, which I do, he'll agree that we need to decline.

From what you have said here. There is no way you should let MIL have your DD unsupervised.

If you do let MIL have DD you are just going to put yourself under further stress that you do not need returning to work. Also your DD will sense your stressful mood, which won't help her settle either at nursery or with MIL.

I do think some PIL, who are retired do not always understand the two working parents busy and the need for consistent household and childcare routines.

My own PIL certainly do not get that I have to be out of the house at a certain time, so I get meet my work obligations on time. It absolutely frustrates me no end.

Are you comfortable telling MIL no regarding your DD childcare?

You say you want her involved and for her and DD to have a good relationship.
Could she visit on a weekend a couple of times a month and babysit at your house whilst you and DH go out for lunch or shopping locally.
It doesn't sound like you are too worried if you are considering weekly babysitting so therefore the couple of Saturdays or Sundays a month for an hour or two could be ideal?

@EKGEMS yes, the next logical question is, how can we help MIL now that this conversation has crystallised our concerns around her mental health, and we're acknowledging that there are significant issues.

That's a whole new thread!

@Spied Yes, I think this is the way forward. And will definitely make having the "we're very appreciative but no thank you" conversation a bit more palatable.

Best of luck with that-it's such a hugely taboo subject in our society mental health and/or dementia.

So are you WFH at the moment? Could you agree to MIL coming to look after your DD at your house one day a week while you are WFH? That way you could assess her ability to be on time and supervise DD safely while you are also in the house.

Once you need to go back to the office you can say no, as you need to drop DD off to nursery earlier than MIL turns up or some similar reason.

Quit frankly I'm appalled that you would consider your DD as a sort of therapy for your Mil - give your head a wobble, think of a plausible reason and support a relationship that is supervised and safe.

Can you imagine her MH if DD was hurt in her care ?

has MIL been assessed for dementia.
it does sound like it.

What a nasty and inaccurate post ^

Better a tough chat than an accident.. How would your relationship recover from that?

Compromise- tell her she can pick her up early from Nursery one day a week, her choice but she has to give the nursery 48hrs notice regarding which day.

If she picks up at 2:30ish there's loads of time for to do an activity, give her a meal and bond, but ur limiting contact due to concerns, it's a flexible arrangement and she doesn't have to do it, u can catch ur train on time.

@BackforGood

Reason 1, on it's own would be enough. Reason 2, on it's own would be enough.

the things you have written in Reason 3 make it clear YWBVU to let her look after your dc on her own at all.

Exactly this. What I was coming to say. Going back to work after mat leave is stressful enough with reliable childcare. Unreliable and inconsistent childcare makes it a nightmare. That alone (the inconvenience to you) would be enough.

The remaining reasons are safeguarding concerns which make me wonder why you’re even considering leaving your child with her.

It would be a hard no for me. Your child is not a toy for your MIL to play with, nor is she a guinea pig there to try and appease your MIL’s mental health issues.

Dear MIL, thank you so much for your kind offer. At the moment we think it's best for DD to be at nursery for sense of routine and as l need to leave home at a certain time we wouldn't want you getting up really early to get here on time '

You are right to have concerns.

For me one of the worst things you mentioned was almost a throwaway comment by you - MIL handed your daughter a scalding hot chip! That is terrible! Imagine the pain that could have caused!

As others have said, your daughter's safety far outweighs your MIL's feelings. I would not leave her alone with my daughter.

Tell her that nursery don't like you having days off for no reason and they said you could lose your place if you keep chopping and changing and having days off. You can't risk that!

Also, having a baby for a full day is exhausting. She's probably forgotten how tough it is. Very different to having the baby for an hour or so. How will she cope when the baby doesn't want to be put down for hours on end or gas separation anxiety? Sounds like it'll be too much for her.

@MatildaTheCat

YANBU. Tell her it’s a kind offer and you’d love to have her on standby for emergencies such as illness (which will be much more often than you hope). Keep the regular care at the nursery.

To be honest an hour away is a bit hopeless as there will be so many delays even if she was a good timekeeper.

That. And you can say that the nursery isn't happy with DD having random different days away as they can't plan their rotas etc, if you're comfortable with doing that (I think it's a very reasonable assumption to make)

I was far from a paranoid parent, but I would not be happy leaving my daughter with a grandparent like your MIL, and under those conditions.