To want my friend to lose in court.

[Newnamenewopenme]

My friend split with her husband about 9 years ago, we will call her Lisa and him Tom. They have never divorced. Lisa initiated the split as she was seeing someone else - Tom isn’t aware of this. I get the impression Tom was surprised by the split, I saw him a couple of weeks after and he mentioned thinking it was PND so was hoping things would resolve with some space and time to think, Lisa had moved George in by this point. They didn’t own the house and Tom continued to pay the rent and was sending her money (she was bragging at the time). They were both in work full time and Tom had the kids on weekends and all of his annual leave.

Eventually Tom rented a house of his own but it was small and not great for the kids (he worked with my dp at the time so spoke with him frequently). Not long after the split my friend moved into a new rented house and bought a new car, she told Tom it was a company car. Her and George split up around now and Tom’s Mum died, leaving him inheritance.

Around two years after the split Tom bought a house for himself, from what Lisa has said to me he used all of his inheritance. Tom has since met someone and she has moved in and he seems really happy.

Lisa has also met someone and wants to marry him, she has initiated a divorce, blaming Tom for the breakdown of the marriage. Finances are also being sorted and she has claimed he got her in debt - her debt was buying the car. When I spoke to her this morning she was laughing that they had a court date arranged to sort out finances and she was going for his pension, and a payout to settle the “family debts”.

My dp spoke to him recently and Tom is terrified he will have to sell his house and won’t be able to afford anywhere else big enough for his now teenagers. His girlfriend has lost her business due to covid and he can’t afford a solicitor.

Aibu to end the friendship with Lisa, I don’t want to get involved with the divorce but I am so mad at her. We have been friends since nursery and in every other aspect she is lovely.

Well done if you’ve read this far!

What sort of person do you want to be ? What type of friends do you want to surround yourself with ? What makes your friend with Lisa more important than your friendship with Tom?

I think if you don’t get any positives out of your friendship with Lisa, then it’s fine to carefully withdraw. It doesn’t really matter why.

Well the breakdown of the relationship could have been down to him. There must be a reason they split up. Hard to say when you don't know what goes on behind losed doors. Also there could be other dent apart from the car. If they were already sit I doubt she will get anything to pay off a car loan, assuming it was set in her name.

Tom could have started divorce proceedings at any point and was incredibly stupid to buy a house before doing so.

Lisa sounds like a complete nightmare and she’s no friend of yours what with you airing her dirty laundry all over the internet so just cut her off. If Tom is also supposed to be a friend then why didn’t you tell him she was cheating on him?

It all sounds very dramatic. If you’re enjoying it then hang around. If not then walk away.

I doubt it’ll be long before you decide this is too identifying but I could be wrong...

Exactly what AnneLovesGilbert said.

Spot on.

I'm 41 and it took me about 32 years to see the reality of my "best friend" and how toxic she really was, not just to me but to many others around her, especially when she didn't get her own way.
I too had been best friends with her since nursery so I think that's I let it drag on as long as I did. Nostalgia was clouding my judgement.

In your situation ask yourself what she is REALLY adding to your life. I don't think I could stand idly by and watch her attempt to destroy Tom all over again. I would make it known to both her amd Tom that you know the ACTUAL facts and she's altering her story now and boasting about doing so in order to get her hands on Tom's inheritance. I'd also offer a sworn affidavit to that effect for Tim to put before the divorce court.

Yes, you'll lose her friendship but only you know how much that matters to you.

I’m not really friends with Tom, I only know his side because my partner works with him. I would say hello in the street but not really chat anymore. We never did things as a group as my partner was his boss at the time and kept his distance.

I agree he was stupid to buy the house, although surely he would have had the money in his account anyway.

And yes to maybe another debt that she hasn’t mentioned.

She is a really good friend but I just disagree with how she is acting at the moment. She was there for me during the loss of a very close family member last year, this has just made me see a side to her that I never knew existed.

I don’t ever remember her complaining about the relationship and they always seemed happy, they went on date nights all of the time - I don’t imagine I would do that whilst unhappy!

Tom was an idiot to buy a house before divorcing her tbh. But she sounds horrid.

Tom was very foolish to buy the house pre divorce but I’d be tempted to tell him.

Why hasn’t your DP told him the truth about her affair etc?

I would imagine the dates of all these things would be looked at?

Would it not have been easier for her to get the money if it was just sat in his bank? He got it after they had split but he was still paying her rent so I wonder if she will claim they were still together at that point.

My DP won’t get involved, he is very senior at work in comparison to Tom and is concerned it won’t reflect well on him. He doesn’t directly work with him anymore, he briefly line managed him at one point.

hmmmm, inheritances often get treated slightly differently to other marital assets so he may be ok.

He should have divorced her though, silly not to.

If you're not bothered about her friendship, tell your DP to tell him that she was seeing George at the time.

@IndecentFeminist

I would imagine the dates of all these things would be looked at?

Exactly what I thought.

And Tom needs to point out he wants these details and request them.

The worst thing you can do in these situations is fight and fight.

You have to withdraw emotionally and just present facts as facts.

Well he was an idiot for buying a house before they got divorced. What did he expect?

She has an legal right so why shouldn't she?

LOL at the posters trying to sort out the finances (and they are wrong) when this thread is about friendship.

Isn't she just asking for what she would have been entitled to if they had divorced at the time of the split? Presumably she needed a car if she was the resident parent and has lost out to some degree on investing in her own pension if she was responsible for most of the childcare. I would guess that she has also spent a far greater percentage of her income on raising the kids than Tom, if he only has them at weekends. Her pension will also be taken into account when dividing up the matrimonial assets.

If she were trying to go after a share of the inheritance (it sounds like it came not long after they split), it would be a different matter.

@ukgift2016

Well he was an idiot for buying a house before they got divorced. What did he expect?

She has an legal right so why shouldn't she?

Because it’s morally wrong. You must be a special cunt to do this to anybody.

Your friend isn’t ‘lovely’. Your friend is devious, manipulative, a liar and doesn’t have a moral compass - she isn’t lovely!

I would let Tom know the truth. Don’t put anything in writing just speak to him. She doesn’t deserve to get away with it.

Can you imagine what people would say if it was the other way round and it was a husband who had an affair, blamed his wife, ended the marriage, accumulated debts and then tried to screw her over financially......!

Christ. What a bitch. I couldn't be friends with someone like that.

And Tom needs a good solicitor!!

It is painful for a friendship of many years to end but as you so disagree with this, reasonable to end the friendship.

@orangenasturtium she is after a share of the inheritance, that’s what he bought the house with.

The kids were at school when they split, as far as I can remember his Mum did childcare before they were at school - but I might be wrong. If they had divorced at the time of the split there wouldn’t have been anything to share because his Mum hadn’t passed away yet.

She already had a car when they split, again I don’t know the condition of it but I don’t remember her complaining of any issues, it was a long time ago though so not something I’m guaranteed to remember.

I do know for definite that when they split she kept everything that they had in the house and he had to start again.

If you met her you wouldn’t believe this was about her. I think she knows I’m annoyed at how she is acting as I change the subject now if she tries to update me about the divorce. I have cut back in contact with her to avoid it having to come up but I don’t know whether to tell her why.

Your friend is going to lie in court and state that although she had the affair so was actually responsible for the marriage breakdown, she will claim it was her husband’s fault, just so she can take lots of money off him?

If her husband has witness statements to prove she was unfaithful during the marriage, it might help him keep the family home where their teenagers reside.

But that would involve you being a witness against your friend. Obviously your friendship would be lost.

Personally I’d probably let the husband know about the affair, give him and the kids a fighting chance.

But, y’know, other people’s business and all that [shrug].