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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my friend to lose in court.

79 replies

Newnamenewopenme · 14/11/2020 16:51

My friend split with her husband about 9 years ago, we will call her Lisa and him Tom. They have never divorced. Lisa initiated the split as she was seeing someone else - Tom isn’t aware of this. I get the impression Tom was surprised by the split, I saw him a couple of weeks after and he mentioned thinking it was PND so was hoping things would resolve with some space and time to think, Lisa had moved George in by this point. They didn’t own the house and Tom continued to pay the rent and was sending her money (she was bragging at the time). They were both in work full time and Tom had the kids on weekends and all of his annual leave.

Eventually Tom rented a house of his own but it was small and not great for the kids (he worked with my dp at the time so spoke with him frequently). Not long after the split my friend moved into a new rented house and bought a new car, she told Tom it was a company car. Her and George split up around now and Tom’s Mum died, leaving him inheritance.

Around two years after the split Tom bought a house for himself, from what Lisa has said to me he used all of his inheritance. Tom has since met someone and she has moved in and he seems really happy.

Lisa has also met someone and wants to marry him, she has initiated a divorce, blaming Tom for the breakdown of the marriage. Finances are also being sorted and she has claimed he got her in debt - her debt was buying the car. When I spoke to her this morning she was laughing that they had a court date arranged to sort out finances and she was going for his pension, and a payout to settle the “family debts”.

My dp spoke to him recently and Tom is terrified he will have to sell his house and won’t be able to afford anywhere else big enough for his now teenagers. His girlfriend has lost her business due to covid and he can’t afford a solicitor.

Aibu to end the friendship with Lisa, I don’t want to get involved with the divorce but I am so mad at her. We have been friends since nursery and in every other aspect she is lovely.

Well done if you’ve read this far!

OP posts:
justconcedealready · 14/11/2020 18:28

I hope he used his inheritance to buy the house and show they were long separated before he received it. He'll need a very good lawyer.

Retiremental · 14/11/2020 18:32

Weird thread.
Not sure I understand the need to post the details ( which are fairly recognisable) online.
Why can’t you just contact with her? Why need the validation of strangers who have your version of events to judge on?
Odd Confused

KnitsAndGiggles · 14/11/2020 18:33

This really isn't your business. No you shouldn't say anything to Tom since you don't have proof. If you value your friendship with your friend and want to keep her in your life you should just say that discussing the divorce is difficult for you (don't elaborate on why) and ask her to try and keep updates to a minimum. You don't know the reality of their relationship at the time or now.

If you don't want to be her friend anymore then quietly drop her

RuffleCrow · 14/11/2020 18:36

Anyone else getting divorce lawyer popup ads? Hmm

Mydogmylife · 14/11/2020 18:39

@ukgift2016

Well he was an idiot for buying a house before they got divorced. What did he expect?

She has an legal right so why shouldn't she?

Personally I feel just because you can doesn't necessarily mean you should .
Jux · 14/11/2020 18:39

Talk to her. Tell her your thoughts. Personally, what she's planning would be enough to make me end hte friendship - I would never be able to trust her - but you do what you need to do. At least try to make her a decent human being.

Thewithesarehere · 14/11/2020 18:40

I would tell him. Give him a chance to Jane another go at life.

eaglejulesk · 14/11/2020 18:41

She's a bitch - I would be walking away and wouldn't contact her again.

Lou898 · 14/11/2020 18:42

If she’s such a good friend then surely you could tell her you think she’s being unreasonable. I’d be able to with my best friends as they would expect me to. They might not always like it but appreciate honesty and sometimes need to see the other side.

eaglejulesk · 14/11/2020 18:44

Also, a genuine question - I'm a bit mystified by the way things work in the UK - why has it taken this long to sort out finances? I separated from my husband 18 years ago and we aren't divorced, but our finances were sorted right after we separated (through the lawyers).

Waveysnail · 14/11/2020 18:44

Have you not told her that she is being a total bitch?

Unsure33 · 14/11/2020 18:44

I would be just sending him an anonymous letter about George . With an add on. Get a free hour with a family law solicitor. Then leave them to it.

Whatisthisfuckery · 14/11/2020 18:48

Nobody knows the circumstances here and neither does the OP.

OP if you don’t like her then don’t be friends with her. Don’t call yourself a friend then bitch about what you think she’s up to all over the internet.

SchrodingersBox · 14/11/2020 18:51

Fundamentally this is about what sort of person you want to be. If you do not show moral courage and do the right thing you will regret it. There are several in this thread who wouldn't care about screwing him over but I don't think you are one of them.

If it were a man talking about doing this to his ex it would be universal condemnation on here and rightly so.

PixelatedLunchbox · 14/11/2020 18:51

I'm afraid unless he gets a really good judge, Tom is up the creek without a paddle.

They are still legally married, the house he bought, whilst married to her, will likely be seen as a joint asset. It will come down to the judge, who has some discretion in deciding.

She sounds horrid, he sounds thick.

Maybe find new friends?

rwalker · 14/11/2020 18:52

Inheritance generally kept out of settlements and also they had finically spilt as is living separately when he bought the house .Obviously it would of been better for him to of bought after they split but just because they are married doesn't guarantee her half of what he bought after the separation .

SweetCruciferous · 14/11/2020 18:53

From what you have said about the friendship in general, ending it over this seems extreme, why don’t you have a conversation with her about it. It seems there is some animosity towards Tom which is colouring her judgement. Maybe there’s stuff that went on that you don’t know about. As a long-standing friend maybe you could gently point out to her that she’s being unreasonable.

CrazyPigeonLadyMarried2Trans · 14/11/2020 18:54

Lisa sound like the stereotypical 'Take him to court, get everything, live a cushy life and leave him penniless.' type of women that give all divorcees a bad name. You don't really need selfish people like around, they can get really toxic.

isitsummertimeyet · 14/11/2020 18:56

she sounds delightful. if i was you i would let Tom know what shes done and offer to be his character witness at the court date, pull the rug from under her feet.

He was hopeful they would get back together and now years later shes still ruining his life..

emilyfrost · 14/11/2020 19:06

I would end the friendship, and I would have done years ago. She’s an awful human being; cheating on him, going after his money, slagging him off. I wouldn’t associate with that kind of person.

Tom, however, is foolish. He should have divorced her years ago.

MzHz · 14/11/2020 19:10

@Caroncarona

Christ. What a bitch. I couldn't be friends with someone like that.
Me neither

If you lie down with this kinda dog, you’re gonna get fleas @Newnamenewopenme

orangenasturtium · 14/11/2020 19:24

I'm no sure if I am being stupid @Newnamenewopenme but you don't say anything about her specifically asking for 50% of the inheritance. Apologies if I am wrong.

As I understand it, she is only asking for Tom to pay his share of family debt from the time they split? If it is genuine matrimonial debt ie a joint credit card, loan, that is fair. He should have paid it at the time. Possibly the loan for the car if he took the better family car leaving her needing a car for the DC but surely that debt is only a small amount if it is half the cost of a car? Whether the courts will decide the car is a matrimonial debt or not remains to be seen.

The pension could be unfair if she is awarded a share based on the current funds rather than the funds 9 years ago but it would be equally unfair for her not to get any share. The pensions funds can be transferred to her or she can recieve income from his pension, Tom doesn't need to sell his house to pay her the money.

ktp100 · 14/11/2020 20:16

Lisa's a fucking BITCH!!

I'd be filling the ex-hubby in on literally everything from the initial affair to her laughing about robbing him.

I couldn't be friends with someone that shitty.

5zeds · 14/11/2020 22:19

Perhaps he left her with debt, a shitty car and no cash to buy a new on so had to get a loan in order to get to work? Perhaps he was awful to her and the new boyfriend was the only one who’d been kind to her for years?
He hasn’t divorced her. For all we know he’s galloped through her cash and left now doesn’t want to share his.

As I said her marriage is none of your business.

WorldsNumber1MumSuperAwesome · 14/11/2020 22:39

Ok, so this woman is a grade a piece of , and you definitely shouldn't have her in your life anymore, because if that's how she treats the father of her children, I wonder how she would treat her mate. What I recommend is staying friends with her and to gather evidence; get proof of what she's done and back the father in court. I know you said you don't want to get involved in the divorce but ultimate you know what she's up to and therefor complicit in potentially destroying this mans life, and not just his life but also his GF. I know life can be hard, and confrontation scary, but BE THE STRONG, PROUD, AND JUST WOMAN that I know you are, because its clear from this post that you know something wrong is happing, correct that wrong and do the right thing.