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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my friend to lose in court.

79 replies

Newnamenewopenme · 14/11/2020 16:51

My friend split with her husband about 9 years ago, we will call her Lisa and him Tom. They have never divorced. Lisa initiated the split as she was seeing someone else - Tom isn’t aware of this. I get the impression Tom was surprised by the split, I saw him a couple of weeks after and he mentioned thinking it was PND so was hoping things would resolve with some space and time to think, Lisa had moved George in by this point. They didn’t own the house and Tom continued to pay the rent and was sending her money (she was bragging at the time). They were both in work full time and Tom had the kids on weekends and all of his annual leave.

Eventually Tom rented a house of his own but it was small and not great for the kids (he worked with my dp at the time so spoke with him frequently). Not long after the split my friend moved into a new rented house and bought a new car, she told Tom it was a company car. Her and George split up around now and Tom’s Mum died, leaving him inheritance.

Around two years after the split Tom bought a house for himself, from what Lisa has said to me he used all of his inheritance. Tom has since met someone and she has moved in and he seems really happy.

Lisa has also met someone and wants to marry him, she has initiated a divorce, blaming Tom for the breakdown of the marriage. Finances are also being sorted and she has claimed he got her in debt - her debt was buying the car. When I spoke to her this morning she was laughing that they had a court date arranged to sort out finances and she was going for his pension, and a payout to settle the “family debts”.

My dp spoke to him recently and Tom is terrified he will have to sell his house and won’t be able to afford anywhere else big enough for his now teenagers. His girlfriend has lost her business due to covid and he can’t afford a solicitor.

Aibu to end the friendship with Lisa, I don’t want to get involved with the divorce but I am so mad at her. We have been friends since nursery and in every other aspect she is lovely.

Well done if you’ve read this far!

OP posts:
slothtrot · 14/11/2020 17:56

@AnneLovesGilbert

Tom could have started divorce proceedings at any point and was incredibly stupid to buy a house before doing so.

Lisa sounds like a complete nightmare and she’s no friend of yours what with you airing her dirty laundry all over the internet so just cut her off. If Tom is also supposed to be a friend then why didn’t you tell him she was cheating on him?

It all sounds very dramatic. If you’re enjoying it then hang around. If not then walk away.

I doubt it’ll be long before you decide this is too identifying but I could be wrong...

Tom should have got a solicitor to draw up a deed of separation before buying a house, I did that to make sure that the house I was buying was not an asset of the marriage.
Ladybyrd · 14/11/2020 18:00

End your friendship with Lisa and tell Tom. If your partner works with him, she should have expected it. She's behaved like an arsehole and I'd have no qualms telling her so.

Bluepolkadots42 · 14/11/2020 18:01

Lisa sounds like a mercenary bitch and I wouldn't want anything more to do with her. If she's prepared to commit some type of divorce fraud by claiming the car debt she got in once they had separated is 'family debt' then she's a dick and I'm sure karma will come for her eventually.
I would tell her you are shocked by her actions and you no longer want to have a close relationship with her.

RandomMess · 14/11/2020 18:02

If inheritance is kept separate and not used for the benefit of the family then it isn't automatically classed as marital assets so hopefully they will be excluded from the financial settlement.

If you don't like this person anymore then you can cool the friendship.

Henio · 14/11/2020 18:03

@Caroncarona

Christ. What a bitch. I couldn't be friends with someone like that.
Same
ImMoana · 14/11/2020 18:04

she was laughing that they had a court date arranged to sort out finances and she was going for his pension, and a payout to settle the “family debts”

I couldn’t be friends with someone like this either.

Scoobydoobydo · 14/11/2020 18:04

Tom is a fool
Tom should have divorced her in the beginning
Tom should have divorced her before receiving his inheritance
Tom is going to be the loser
Poor Tom

cardswapping · 14/11/2020 18:06

I feel sorry for Tom. Esp with people watching it all and posting it for comments, but never giving him a piece of advice or a hint.

Tessiot · 14/11/2020 18:07

Tom, Tom the piper’s son married a pig and away she ran.....

KEA321 · 14/11/2020 18:08

I am currently divorcing and was concerned my soon to be ex might get hold of an inheritance I had coming. My solicitor said that as it was after we had separated (not legally), it would not be in the assets.

HollowTalk · 14/11/2020 18:08

I think he'll be OK. They were living separately, had their own places and their own bank accounts. That was an inheritance. It's obviously not intended for her.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 14/11/2020 18:10

Lisa is awful, I'd tell her what I think if her , I'd tell Tom about the affair too. She's a greedy spiteful horrible woman from what you have posted about her. Ugh. Dump her ass. Poor Tom.

TinkerPony · 14/11/2020 18:10

I hope tom would be able to prove that they have been separated for years and have proof of rental contact to show he no longer live with her from that point on.
That way the inheritance was given to him alone only after the fact.
I hope karma bite her ass. Wink

unmanagable · 14/11/2020 18:11

Lisa sounds like a total money grabbing cow , not the type I could have as a friend
Tom needs to get himself a decent lawyer , this is so raging he really needs to find some money for , the lawyer needs to know all the facts and can then act on his behalf accordingly
My understanding is that money from an inheritance is personal money and not included in the family "pot" , he needs to be able to prove this is how he bought his house .

unmanagable · 14/11/2020 18:12
  • something not so raging
5zeds · 14/11/2020 18:12

Her finances and marital status aren’t really anything to do with you.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 14/11/2020 18:12

I feel sorry for him having his personal details and finances broadcast on MN where people who know him IRL would probably recognise his circumstances.

You could have asked about ending your friendship without all that personal information about someone you barely know.

You seem to want to be involved on some level

All you have to do is ghost her, or tell her you disagree with how she is behaving and block her.

Original poster
Newnamenewopenme · 14/11/2020 18:13

I know he was a fool. I’ve known her most of my life and wouldn’t have ever expected anything like this of her, I imagine he thought the same. When I bumped into him after the split he seemed so hopeful that they would be getting back together. I tried to convince my partner to slip up about her new boyfriend moving in to give him a heads up. Thinking back, she must’ve told the kids not to say anything which unsettles me too.

I wonder how much her partner knows about all of this. They’ve been together about 3 years now and I’ve only met him once. Before covid I used to see her twice a week minimum.

OP posts:
Ladybyrd · 14/11/2020 18:13

Tom might think he's saving money not getting a solicitor, but it is not really optional in his situation. Representing himself could cost him a lot more.

They'll need to do financial disclosure. His solicitor should be able to work out she's lying about her finances, if he had one.

Not sure her having an affair will have any bearing on the settlement.

Lovemusic33 · 14/11/2020 18:18

Tom should have got legal advice before buying a house whilst still married, he should have waited and divorced her a long time ago. Although it seems unfair he is likely to have to pay his half of family debts.

I don’t think I would end the friendship but I wouldn’t be offering any advice to her either, maybe step back a bit until everything had been sorted.

DarkDarkNight · 14/11/2020 18:19

I would ask your husband to ask Tom to contact you and tell him what you have told us. Your friend sounds awful. Hopefully it will be clear they have been separated a long time but he needs legal advice and to go into court not still trying to be the nice guy.

GreenlandTheMovie · 14/11/2020 18:19

It can be shocking when you wake up to the poor behaviour of someone you've known fur a while. Well done for noticing. I think you should cut her off. Keep Tom as a friend.

Judges are used to seeing through bullshit and its unlikely that an inheritance, especially one received after the parties seperated, would be taken into account. The emphasis now is far more on clean breaks and women supporting themselves

FatCatThinCat · 14/11/2020 18:24

If she's a long standing friend from childhood, why not just tell her what you think. When my good friends are out of order, I tell them.

Genevieva · 14/11/2020 18:26

Tom needs to know about George. It means the 'fault' lies with Lisa rather than him.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 14/11/2020 18:26

Jesus she sounds absolutely toxic, a horrid person. I'd be dumping the friendship and I'd be telling her exactly why. Why do bad people get away with so much shit in life?